If you've ever had the pleasure...

If you ever have the pleasure of knowing someone amazing...
If you ever have the pleasure of meeting someone remarkable...
Someone who makes you smile, or never fails to make you laugh...
Make sure you let them know.

One year ago today,

I received a phone call from a friend.

She was letting me know, her husband paid the ultimate price for our freedom.

She was so brave, and so strong from the get go.

As the day progressed, 

I learned of two other men from 1/327, Abu, 3rd Plt *BUKA*,

who gave their life.

Word quickly spread of others with life threatening injuries.

I will never forget the fear, and hurt, and anger I felt that day.

I as a point of contact,

had made countless phone calls letting wives know about lives lost in the battalion.

I never imagined I would have to make a phone call,

including the names of men in my husbands platoon.

I never imagined having to speak those words.

It's crazy to think how invincible we make ourselves feel.

We knew death was part of war, but never imagined it would hit so close to home.

Anytime I had to make one of those calls,

It was tragic and terrible....

But to be speaking of men I knew,

Men I'd had in my home for dinner,

Men who's families I had met....

It was something completely different.

All I could think about was the hurt and pain their families would endure...

The emotions my husband must of been dealing with,

And the realities of the war he had been fighting.

The remainder of that deployment,

I thought about three things:

Those three men, Their grieving families, And my husband still out there fighting.

I think it is safe to say my perspective on life changed after that.

It's far to often we take the ones we love for granted.

The people who are always there, no matter what...

The people who we love the most...

We assume they know we love them...

We don't say it enough.

We forget to let them know how much we appreciate them..

Or what they mean to us.

Life is far too short.

Some lives are taken tragically, some heroically,
Some expected, and some so very unexpectedly.

But at the end of the day,

What matters most is....

What you leave behind, in the hearts of the people who love you.

Don't ever take the people you love for granted,
You never know when God will need them!

R.I.P

Nagorski

Snow

&   

Lillard

You are the true definition of hero's,

And you will never be forgotten!

And the rambling continues

I am mentally exhuasted. My life seems to be on a never ending roller coaster and I just want it to stop at the top so I can jump off feet first. My hopes would be to land in something a m a z i n g, but I'd probably land in a pile of dog shit instead.

I'm so in need of a get away. I just want to run from here. I want to leave all this mess behind and run away, if just for a little while. I need a brain break. I need time to breathe and time to think about something other then all the ways in which my life is overpowering my will to succeed. 

It disgusts me how people just don't care about the way in which they hurt others. It disgusts me that I am stuck in the middle of such a mess. I wish I could change things. I wish I could take this disaster and turn it into something amazing... Maybe I will...Maybe I will find the courage to try.

I need to decompress. 

It looks like a margarita night, if you ask me.

Later.
AA

In with the new.

Peace Love & Problems. A new title! And I think this shall remain for a very long time. It pretty much sums up everything I write about most often. Finding peace with my past, Love of all sorts, and the inevitable problems. Changed up all my fonts and colors, made my banner, and fiddled with other little changes.

Hope you all enjoy the new look!

I need sleep.

I shall regret being up this late when my alarm goes off in eeeeeeek....four and a half hours.



---@@

Honor, Pride, and Confusion

"We all honor heroes for different reasons -
Sometimes for their daring, Sometimes for their bravery,
Sometimes for their goodness. But, mostly, we honor heroes because,
At one point or another, We all dream of being rescued.
Of course, if the right hero doesn't come along,
Sometimes we just have to rescue ourselves."

I came across this quote today. It made me think about so many things.

Mostly I am wondering what we are supposed to do, 

when our hero is the one who needs to be rescued. 

Who can save someone so brave, and full of pride?

Who can touch the mind of someone who has been through so much?

Who can rescue a hero?

--AA

I want to hibernate like a bear. I feel defeated.
I'm tired of being the only one fighting this battle.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm on the line waiting for you to reel me in, or toss me back.
I want to run....I want to run away from this all... to somewhere new, where no
one knows me. I feel like nothing good ever comes my way.
And no matter how much good I do for others, I get shit in return.
Constant shit.

I'm just fed up with everyone and everything.
And I want to run and hide and never be seen.

That is all.

Vent, Rant, TRUTH

I'm so frustrated. I mean... really....really frustrated.
I'm tired of feeling like the only one clinging to this family.
I know I deserve better. I know my son deserves better.
Somehow I don't want better...

I want you to come to terms with the fact that you had an affair.
I want you to admitt it, Plain and bold instead of beating around the bush.
I need you to say it.
I need you to feel bad....I need you to feel SOMETHING....anything....
I need to know you still feel.....
I atleast need you to feel sympathy....some sort of sympathy.
I need your family who tells me they love me, to realize they hid this from me too.

I need them to know I didn't deserve this.

I need them to stop putting you on a pedestal like you could never do wrong.

You did wrong.

I need them to stop pretending this isn't your fault.

It's your fault.

Most of all I need the world to stop putting their input into this marriage....

I don't need your approval...any of you.

I don't need your opinions. 

I don't need you to tell me I'm better then this and can do so much better.

I need you all to sit by and watch me fail, or watch me succeed, and stand by my choices regardless.

Because I have to be able to sleep with myself at night, and I have to know I did what I felt was best, not just for me...but for my son...for you....for this family....

I need to be able to sleep....I really really need sleep.

And I need to be able to look in the mirror and know I didn't give up when I wasn't sure I should have.

I feel like if I was the one who would have cheated during the deployment, the whole world would damn me to hell.I would be that horrible whore wife who couldn't keep her legs closed during a deployment. But I did. I did.. I did everything I could to make this deployment the best it could be for you. And you..you betrayed me...you betrayed our vows...you disrespected our family. You hurt me.. but most of all you stole the sacradness of a family from our son. And for that I am mad. That's right I'm mad. Instead of being villified...or damned to hell...you are held to be an amazing man... someone who "has too much on his plate"....someone who is "going through a lot"...someone who is tired and overworked and stressed out.

You think I'm not tired? You think I don't have a lot on my plate...you think I'm not completely defeated by a year long deployment, raising a newborn alone, waiting for my husband to come home, just to find out about HER!? You think I feel good? You think my plate is empty? IM TIRED. IM TIRED AND IM STRESSED AND I FEEL DEFEATED. I feel dead inside. I feel like I dont even have the right to hurt anymore. I feel like I'm not supposed to be mad or sad or angry or hurt, because you don't give a shit about ANYTHING... and if I give up, who does our son have? Who does he have to root for this family and pray to god you pull your head out of your ass and realize what you are throwing away by being "tired...and stressed...and not giving a fuck about anything."
I have to care, because If I don't....noone will.. and if noone does...then he has noone. And he doesn't deserve this. He didn't do this...he didn't ask for this. And the one person who DID do this...just doesn't care. I'm so tired of feeling guilty that you lost friends, that you fought this war, that you went through so much...and that your not the same anymore. Everyday I wake up feeling like I need to be the one to save you...I need to be the one to bring you back to life and make you feel again. I'm tired of feeling like I need to be your hero, but the truth is...more then anything...more then anyone, I WANT TO SAVE YOU. Because I believe the fight your fighting with your own mind, is real, and valid and tragic. You may not want to admit it, your family may not want to admit it, the army WONT admit it, everyone can ignore it. But I know it's real, I know it's there, and I know you know it's there.

YOU FOUGHT A WAR....SO DID I! Everyday I'm at war with my own mind...trying to decide what is best. Do I leave the man who betrayed me and had an affair in the dust, say fuck this family and move on? Or Do I continue to fight this war, and hope that you realize you need to start caring because someone loves you more then anyone else ever will...and someone wants you to be you again. Someone wants you to be the husband and father you would of been before you left for Afghanistan? If anyone feels pride and sorrow for the men who go off to war and loose friends, loose limbs, loose time with their family, trust me--I DO! I feel for them. I think of them on a daily basis. But very few people ever think of the families they leave behind...and the wars we will be fighting when these men return. The war doesn't end when they come home. I'm still fighting it.

Broken.

    Lost.

        Defeated.

             --AA

"Do you feel safe"

Not too long ago my husband was home visiting. He was holding me in bed. He softly spoke into my ear, and asked me "Do you feel safe?" For just that moment...I felt safe. I felt like everything in the world would find it's place and we would once again know the happiness of our love.




Sometimes I feel so completely lost in the world.
I feel as though I could simply be left behind.
Most of all I find myself questioning the world... motives, goals, peoples perspective, but most of all peoples integrity. 

I am constantly trying to be a superhero; saving people from themselves...saving myself....from myself. I wish I could turn back the hands on the clock, and return to a time when I innocently had no idea the mistakes I was making... the mistakes we were both naively making....the fights that never should of occurred and the issues that only existed in our minds.

I find myself valuing the concept of family, more then I ever anticipated I would. My parents divorced when I was quite young. My family has never been extremely close. I find myself longing for oh so much better for my son. I find myself loosing my cool when that concept seems to be dust in the wind to other people. I want nothing more then to give my son EVERYTHING in the world. Most of all a happy, whole family.

I wish that I could shake you...and show you what this is all about. I wish I could snap you out of this fog. I'm tired of hearing the words "he talked about how amazing you were and how much he loved you, the entire deployment." Where did that disperse? I find myself questioning oh so many things, and wondering how I can get that back. I want to see you happy. But more then anything I want to be the one making you happy. I want to save you. I want to save us. I want to save this. Most of all I want to feel like you are not a stranger...that my husband didn't disappear in Afghanistan never to be seen again.  Where are you? Can you hear me? Are you out there? Someone send a search party....my husband... my best friend..he is missing...gone... we need him. Someone tell him we need him. Someone tell him we miss him.

It pains me to hear someone I love so much say to me that they have no motivation for anything in life. A man who I always admired so much for his passion and his fierce drive....now seems to have none of that. I want to see you find yourself again. I want to see you smile like you did long before this deployment. I want to see your heart again...and I long to hear your old laugh. I want to know that you are not gone. There once was a man who smiled in the face of adversity and always had the passion to get not only himself, but the people around him...through anything. Where is that man? He seems to no longer exist. I hope he knows this is temporary. I hope he knows I remember him, and I know he will someday come back. That is the man I want my son to know... The man who was faithful to his family, and had such an amazing outlook on life... that's the hero I want my son to know... that's the man we miss...the man we idolize and the man we love.

I don't want to leave you behind. You would enjoy that. Feeling like everyone has given up, and you can now go on with your life...hating the world...and never again being yourself. I won't give up. If not for myself, if not for you....for our baby boy. He deserves to know the amazing man you once were...and once again can be.

In a marriage where things are constantly "being fixed" and then being given up on... I find myself hoping stability comes along. I find myself hoping for so many things. Most of all I find myself feeling comletely lost, because everything I knew seems to be such a distant memory.




I so badly want to feel safe again.



...aa

Problems and Prayers

The last fourteen months of my life have been hectic, complicating, challenging, and overall tiring. From deployment, to raising a baby alone, to separation, reconciliation, and trying to find myself...I just seem to be more lost now then ever.

I keep searching for answers to question I don't even know if I'm ready to ask. I keep hoping things will magically fix themselves and I'll wake up from this horrid nightmare I feel I am existing in.
I want to be so many things in life...and I want to be them all...PERFECTLY.
I struggle with repairing this marriage, because trust is lost and communication has always been lacking. There is nothing more in this world, that I want...then to find 'us' again, and move past all of the things that have happened. But sometimes I simply feel depleted. I feel like no matter how much I give, will I ever be enough? This will take time, and I keep expecting miracles over night. I want to find my passion. I want to find my way. I want to make something amazing out of myself. I want to be the best mother I can possibly be. I want to be everything, perfectly.

And sometimes...I wish I could just stop. Stop thinking, stop over-thinking, stop trying to be everyone's savior, and everyone's right hand woman. Most of all I want to be able to turn to someone and tell them exactly how crazy I'm driving myself, by trying to be everything...to everyone, including myself. I have these outrageous expectations for myself, and when I can't live up to them, I feel like such a failure. Sometimes I just want to scream and let it all out. Sometimes I want a break from all the mess and clutter in my mind, and just have a day of peace. I just want peace.

Tonight I feel so cluttered and messy in my mind, and all I could think was about my want for simple peace. My need for diarrhea of the brain, so that I can just be free. So I decided that all I can do is pray. All I can do is put my hopes and dreams and faith and trust into the one man who has never left, Amen.....Literally. 

So tonight, like many nights, I have prayed. I've prayed most nights for the last two years...but tonight it was different. I put my everything into that prayer...I poured all of the weight on my shoulders out and I hoped to feel relief.
I don't. I mean..I feel a little better...but I think it's going to take some time for me to feel relief from prayer.

I think the most important things in life are not things at all... 

Life is not about what we do...where we live...what we have...or who we know.

Life is about our relationships.

It's about the people we love...

the people who mean the most to us...

the people who keep us going...

And so today, I hope for all of you, to truly appreciate the relationships in your life.
Put all of your problems up to God,
and take the time to truly appreciate and love the relationships that surround you.
Everything in life is replaceable, except for people.


I guess I will leave you with this for now...
Pray tonight. Pray for whatever you need to. Pray for peace. Most of all pray for the relationships you are lucky enough to embrace.

--AA

Short and Sweet.

Big bear is back at Fort Campbell. Baby bear is healed from surgery. And my heart is in both places. I wish so purely that our family was already back together under one roof, putting a new foot forward, but I know it is not our time yet.

It is hard to be six hundred miles away from your husband, and be trying so hard after a year long deployment and six months on and off of separation. Honestly, I began to feel it was impossible... but something inside of me says this is very possible. There is so much love inside of me for this little family, and for that man, that I know anything is possible. And so everyday I wake up, put on the most positive attitude I can muster up, and I give my all to connecting the dots and connecting to my husband. Most days I recall a little reason in which I first fell in love with him, and for me that helps.

I am anxiously awaiting his return from recruiter school, so we know where he will be stationed. I hope it's somewhere new and exciting. Most of all I just want my family back together.

I have to say thank you to the amazing readers who have stuck with me from the beginning of this journey... But most of all I have to say I LOVE YOU to the friends I have had, who day in and day out have stuck out every bit of this. I have some amazing friends, who have heard me cry, seen me laugh, and helped me in ways they will never know, as they have always and still continue to support me, my family and my (hopefully) healing marriage. You guys are amazing, and you know who you are... It is you guys who have made me strong enough to survive this deployment, separation, and reconciliation. Without the love and faith and prayers of you guys, I would be off a bridge somewhere! I LOVE YOU ALL!

 ---AA

Ketchup

It's been so long since I have updated. Truth is, I've thought about updating for some time now... but life has been so crazy and such an adventure that I don't even know where to start. Now it's time to CATCH UP.

I guess I'll start abruptly with some dull updates about what's been happening.

Baby bear had surgery. He had to be circumsized at six months due to being premature. Long story short, shortly after that surgery, they discover one of his testicles was no longer descended. So about a week ago they went into correct that, and also discovered a small hernia. Now baby boys testicles are healthy and...down. The first couple days of recovery were touch and go, but he is back to being an active bouncing bear.

My husband came to Michigan from Fort Campbell for the surgery. We'd been discussing having a sit down for a couple weeks prior to this. We had a sit down...or five. We let it all out. Put everything on the table. We cried, we yelled, we argued, we hurt, we got answers, we discovered new questions, and we decided to start the uphill battle to fixing our family. 
Deep down, we both have an abundance of love for each other. We're major parts of each others lives, and have been together since we were kids. In all these years together, we have grown, changed, evolved, but most of all messed up. We both have had our insecurities, we both have had our share of "boo-boos" and we both have had our share of MAJOR FUCK UPS. After all this time, we have broken up, made up, and as I've said quite blatantly, fucked up.

However, after eight years of being together, I think these last few months I have learned some of the most valuable lessons of my life. I can't keep depending on people to make me who I am. At some point I have to stand on my own two feet and allow people to accept me for who I am. I think I have always looked for the approval of the people I love most, hoping they won't leave. This separation from my husband has shown me, that even the people you least expect, can walk out. And you have to be prepared to survive in your own skin. I have learned that it is important to see the bigger picture, and to always view things from both sides. It's important to let a little sand slip through the cracks, and not always take life so seriously. Sometimes I have been so consumed with the fear of loosing people, that I force myself to be lost.

At the end of the day, I am happy to say, everything is out on the table, and my husband and I are taking things a day at a time. I have never loved someone more then I love that man, and having my family be whole again is something I have prayed for more times then I can count. People make mistakes, people hurt each other, people use poor judgment....but at the end of it all, things have a way of working themselves out...or so I hope.

This is an uphill battle, and I know it won't be easy. But the reality is, I would love to wake up next to him every single day, and watch our children grown old together. My husband leaves for recruiting school next month. We have a list of places we'd love to go. Mostly I'd like to be out of Michigan, exploring somewhere new with my husband and son. After all, it is the army...we do have the chance to live somewhere new and adventurous...why not take it? Hopefully by November or December we will all be together again. I miss falling asleep next to him. I miss so many little things about him, that I have for quite some time, taken for granted. 

In other news, I want so badly to go back to school. I want to make something amazing out of myself, and I'd love to be working. I admire being a full time mom, and wouldn't trade this time with my son for the world, but the fact of the matter is, it's not a paying job, and sometimes I need a break too. And by break, I mean, time out of the house. However, financial aid has once again screwed me over, and they doubt I will be getting "confirmed amounts" but the time payments are due, so that too is on hold.

Sometimes I feel like my life is constantly on hold. I'd love to be with my husband, RIGHT NOW...but it's just not logical. Why move to move again? I wish I could reasonably answer this with: to have my family together.... but I know we can't afford to keep moving...and he is staying with friends until he goes to school anyways.
So being a family is on hold.
Going to school is on hold.
Hold...
....Hold...
...........HOLD!

I hate being on hold.

I miss my friends in Tennessee...and Wisconsin...and California...And wherever else they may be. I miss them terribly. Some of the best friends I have ever had came from my time at Fort Campbell with my husband. I miss Friday night poker at our best of best friends house...and outings with the SKIS. 

I hope to see old friends in good time, being close to my husband again, and get my life back on track and moving in a positive direction. I also hope to keep updating this, and hopefully watch things fall back into place.

In the mean time, I have plenty of reading to catch up on and I hope you are all doing well.


Long Lost,
AA

Happiness

I laugh big.
I love hard.
I fight for what I believe in.
I'm just a girl....
On the pursuit to happiness.

Been busy being busy!

I have been MIA yet again. My life has been a hectic mess of busy-ness. My mom found a house to rent, and so we have moved from the two bedroom apartment to this beautiful house. When my husband deployed, baby bear and I moved home with my mother to save some money and pay down some debt. My brother and mother had reacently moved into a two bedroom apartment...and therfore, my son and I set up shop in the living room. The situation was less then ideal, but we survived it. A few months ago, my sister had open heart surgery and stayed at the apartment afterwords. Needless to say, she never left. Yes, you are reading this correctly. In a two bedroom apartment, my mother, my brother, my sister, my son and myself all co-existed. It was nothing short of a hot mess. It never felt much like home, since I thought it was temporary.

We have finally moved all of our belongings into this new house. It is updated and spacious. Baby bear and I finally have seperate bedrooms, and I FINALLY have a bed. I cannot tell you how much you appareciate a bed, until you have slept on a couch for so long. My belongings finally have a place, and I finally have as much privacy as a single mother can have. Non the less, having a bedroom door, feels damn good!

I have also submitted my financial aid request, and enrolled in college. I have settled on the Medical Assistant program. I was up in the air on that for a while, but it's something I have wanted to do for years. Now, I have to meet with an educational advisor and sort out a few things with financial aid. Hopefully I will be registered for classes by the end of next week, and feel like that is acomplished!

Baby bear just got over Scarlette Fever. And let me tell you, that was not something I wish anyone ever have to experience. The poor boy had a fever of 105 on more then one occasion. In four days, we had been to the ER twice and urgent care once. His entire body broke out in rash, and the poor boy was miserable.
And he had surgery scheduled for one of those days also!

So babybears surgery has been rescheduled, college enrollment is underway, and we're all moved in! It has been crazy, but it will all be worth it!

I hope everyone is having a good week!
More updates to come!


--AA

Anger

So reacently I have come to realize I might be a little angry...and by might be...I mean I am...and by a little, I mean a lot.

I often think about the funeral of a good friends husband. A good father, a good friend, a good man. I think about how I sat in that funeral home so full of sadness. Yet, I can't help but remember how thankful I was. I was so thankful he did what he did, so thankful my husband was alive, and he made that sacrafice so other fathers, and friends could come home. I felt guilty for being thankful.  How could I be thankful at a time like this?

And now, I am angry. I am angry that this good man made this heroic sacrafice, for my husband to come home and leave his family. I am angry that we had a chance this man never had, and yet MY HUSBAND took this chance away from me, away from our son....away from himself.

Who does he think he is? Alive and safe...and giving up...walking away.

Walking away from people who loved him so very much.

People who admired him, and prayed for him... people who were not supposed to be disposable.

I am angry that for eight years, I have given everything to this man..

Who in the end took the single most important thing from me.

My family.

The ball was this past weekend. And I'm angry. I'm angry that I didn't get to be there, with him...like I'd planned for such a long time. It was something I'd looked forward to all of deployment. Dressing up, and feeling beautiful. Celebrating my huband being home. Being in the company of such brave men, and amazing wives.

I'm angry this was another memory I did not get to make.

It's just like homecoming. Something I so long waited for, taken.

When my husband went to Iraq, we were only dating. I wasn't at homecomin, because his family wanted it to be just them. So this time, it would have been so amazing to experience.

But again, I was not there.

I'm angry that for an entire deployment, my support, my tears, my prayers went un-acknowleged..

by a man who came home and "disposed" of me.

All of the things I so longed for, never came.

Sure he came home...good and safe...
(and for that I am forever thankful)

But he didn't come home to me.

He chose not too.

And somehow, I feel so robbed.

He had a choice... he got to choose...

And he didn't choose to be with us.

Why was I a CHOICE?!?

Sometimes I just don't understand.

I'm so angry...so very angry...

Or maybe I'm just hurt.

I feel like for so long, all I did was support him and make myself available to his needs.

And in the end, it wasn't enough..

And I was robbed of the memories I planned on making.

Maybe that sounds a little selfish, I'm sorry if it does.

But the truth is..

For the majority of a year, all I could think about was his safety and well-being.

I drempt of the homecoming, and what it would feel like..what I would say.

I dreampt of feeling gorgous at that ball..

And celebrating the fact that he was home and okay.

I never got it.

I somehow feel stuck in this deployment.

Like it's never-ending..

Because I drempt of the end being him coming home to us..

And he is not here.

We are not together.

I am not celebrating.

Is it pathetic to be angry?

Marriage and Divorce

Love is such a crazy emotion. It is a constant rollarcoaster, and I can only dream of finding someone willing to constantly enjoy the ride with me. I simply love to love.. I find it to be one of the most impowering things a person can have....true love. The kind of love that never holds back, and never gives up.

Now don't get me wrong, I have come to learn, that sometimes love has to give up. Sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away. I believe that everyone is meant for someone. And if we stay too long with someone who we are not meant to be with, could we possibly miss out on THE ONE? I believe there is more then one demension to love.

My grandparents are in their late 80s. They married at eighteen. For the duration of my marriage I envied this kind of marriage. I hoped that I too would be their age, still married. But I think somethings happen in our lives, that broaden our view. My marriage and now my divorce have opened my eyes. My grandparents seem miserable. They constantly bicker. My grandma often tells people she should of married someone else. I often respond with "It's kind of late now, your old and grey and that person probobly already kicked the bucket. Be thankful you can be old and grey and miserable together instead of alone." For most of my life I have thought I wanted their kind of love... The kind that withers away decades together, and never gives up. I wished the world was still in a "50's mind set", where divorces never happened. But the truth is, now that I have witnessed a failed marriage (first hand), I don't want what they have. I actually fancy the fact that divorce is acceptable. I think it's nessicarry in todays world.

We can forever live with the person we marry...and grow old together, miserable about the life we had, or we can be strong, independant people, and know that we deserve to be happy! Sometimes in marriage, trust and communication are broken. The one person we thought we could always depend on and trust, proves us wrong. And I don't want to live my entire life doubting the person I share everything with. I would much rather gather up my emotions, my trust, my heart, and my life and move on. I would much rather find someone I never have to resent, then forever live a life of wonder and doubt. I feel like everyone is meant for someone. And if we invest ourselves in a marriage where we are not happy, and do not feel secure, then we are missing out on THAT SOMEONE.


I think marriage is sacred. It is a beautiful bond between two people. The vows you speak may just be the most important words you will ever say. But at the end of the day, people change, people make mistakes and people take wrong turns. Some things forever dampen those vows, and forever change the dynamic of a relationship. And I think there is a giant difference between leaving a relationship because you just feel like giving up, and leaving a relationship because you won't ever again be happy there. I think too often people make careless mistakes when it comes to marriage and love.
-People leave because they don't feel like putting the effort in. -Mistake.
-People stay and forever hope to find happiness in an unhappy situation. -Mistake.

I think marriage is something you have to constantly work at. But it should never feel like work. When you love someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them, you won't ever have to doubt your comittment. I know there is someone in the world who will love me, exactly as I am. They won't ever make me doubt myself, or their comittment to me. That's the kind of marriage I want. I want to spend my life with someone... Someone who will be there beside me when I need them most, and won't ever leave me alone to fight the big challenges. If I am constantly wondering if you will be beside me when I need you most, or wondering if you will betray me, or lie to me, I don't feel like I am living a happy and successful marriage.

I never want to feel insecure in a marriage. I have for some time had a fear of being left, and I think that has played a big role in my life. I want to find someone who will embrace my fears and help me over come them...Not someone who will play on my fears for their own satisfaction. I want to learn from all my mistakes, and I want someone beside me who will help me continue to learn as we go. Life is a constant lesson, and I think if you can find someone just as willing to learn and grow, you have found something worth keeping.

Overall, I think I have come to accept divorce as sometimes nessicarry. Something I have forever feared and dreaded can now be viewed as a blessing in SOME situations. Sometimes we fall in love, and sometimes we fall apart. There is nothing wrong with that. I think it is more important to be thankful for the time we had, and learn what we need to learn, then to forever stay somewhere we cannot be completely happy. Because at the end of the day, if you're not happy, how can your other half be happy? It is a vicious cycle, and we can either choose to continue it, or we can continue to fake it. And if you ask me, life is far to short to be anything less then happy. And I not only don't want to fake it to make it, but I would never want to be with someone who has to fake it.

The best gift we can give ourselves is happiness.
The best gift we can give someone we love is happiness.
Sometimes that means parting ways.

As Always,
AA

Do we choose?

In life, everything is a choice. We choose where we go, what we do, what we believe, what we say. Of course our choices have consequeces, or reactions, and those are inevitable. But for the most part, our life is consumed with choices. This leaves me wondering....Do we choose who we love?

Do you think it's one of those things in life that just kind of happens...or do we have to make a concious choice to fall in love with someone. Is there a point when we decide, we're either going to allow our hearts and minds to feel these emotions or not?

I guess I feel like for the most part, love just happens. We don't really get to choose who we love, but I do think we can choose to accept it. I think people fall in love, unknowingly. It's something our hearts and minds do without our consent. We can't choose who we connect with, or who makes us feel good. We only get to choose what we do with it.

Theres this feeling you get. Butterflies in your stomach, shaky legs, but most importantly, your heart beats fast. You're overwhelmed with excitment. Love is a feeling, a thought, a sense, an emotion. Most of all it is a hectic mess.

We cannot choose who we love.
We cannot choose what we feel.


We simply choose what to do with it.


What will you do?

Daddy

Fathers day is approaching. It's a holiday in which I always purchase a card for my mother. She has done a damn good job of being both parents- all of my life, which is why I find it nessicary to celebrate her on mothers day and fathers day, along with most other days.

I have very few memories of my father. Even fewer which are good. I do recall being very young, at the cabbin upnorth. Every time we went snowmobiling, I would fall asleep. I remember waking up wondering how long we had been out there. I remember him owning an auto parts store. I remember this giant pink elephant at the party store next to his store. I remember rarely seeing him. I remember not wanting to go.I remember going to my sixth grade daddy-daughter dance with my neighbors dad. I remember so many things, I wish I could forget. Most of all I remember wish for him to be all the things I saw other peoples daddys be. I wanted what they had. I wanted a father. I wanted to admire him. I wanted to know what it was like to be daddys little girl, and to have him light up with joy when he saw me. Instead I got nothing.

When someone mentions my father, most times I remember him throwing a picture frame across the living room of our home. I remember it shattering at my feet, and the fear I felt. I must of been about four. I remember him screaming and yelling, I have no idea what about. I remember my mother calling the cops, and him franticlly cleaning up the glass. I remember standing on a chair in the kitchen scaerd to death I'd slice my foot open on glass and die. I was a dramatic little girl. I remember him telling the cops there was no problem, and that he didn't know what they were called for. I remember my father being taken off to jail, and my grandmother taking my sister and I home with her.

When someone mentions my father, I feel hate. I feel anger. I feel pain. I feel abandoned, and left. Most of all I feel nothing for him. All my life people have told me that our time on earth is too short, and that I should make amends with him. They tell me I will regret the lack of relationship, once he is gone. Gone? He has always been GONE. I'm angry that people put this responsibility on me.Where has he been?

My mother remarried when I was six or seven. To a man I do not think fondly of. It was another relationship filled with hate and anger. Another man who hurt her...hurt us. I remember calling the cops on him more then once. I remember his name calling, his anger, his rage, his obsessive ways. I remember my father never being there to save me, to protect me, to love me. I think most of all I hate my father for never caring that this man too was hurting us. They were more alike then I'd like to remember. Both yelled a lot, both were angry, and loud. Both men treated my mother poorly. For that they were nothing to me.

After my mothers second divorce, I was left wondering what a marriage was supposed to be? What was a real father? Would I have one? Would I ever know what to expect? I have never, and will never blame my mother for the choices that she made, the men she married, or the bullshit she delt with. I know that love is a powerful thing, and sometimes people turn into someone you never expected they could be. Instead I admire my mom. She always had the strength to see a way out, and to continue pushing on for us kids.

I have very few memories of my father. And from the few things I remember, most of all I remember how much I disliked him. A major part of him not being in my life had to do with the choices he made, and the way he made his children a convience. But I too can take some of the blame. I never wanted to be around him. I never wanted to see him. I would refuse visits the seldom times he offered. He was very strict. His stern voice put fear in my veins. He was always angry, and he always spoke poorly of my mother. I think that is what I hated most. Every time we got into the car to go with him, conversations started with things like "Your mother this..your mother that..." In the first little while following his divorce, I recall him always telling us that our mother chose this...that it was her fault he wasn't around all the time...that we weren't a family. When my mother remarried, I remember him badgering us about the new man. Did we call him dad? What was he like? I recall once slipping up and calling the other man "dad" to my father. Hell had nothing on the words and anger that filled his truck that day. I remember questioning how he could be so angry over this? He was never around. He rarely called. Everything in his life at this time revolved around passing girlfriends, his business and hunting. We were merely baggage to him, and he hated to take his baggage anywhere.

My father is not in my life, and for the most part, I have come to accept what has been a fatherless childhood. I know that it has changed me, and shaped me into who I am today. But I also know that because he has never loved me, never been there for me, never cared, I am constantly trying to fill a void that will never be filled. There is this tiny piece of my heart that wishes I could get back the years he carelessly threw away. I know that it has stopped bleeding and scabbed over. I know that one day that whole will be a scar. I am okay with that. I think that scars are just reminders of where we have been and what we have conqured.

As fathers day approaches, I want to send a huge shout out to all the amazing fathers in this world. To often we hear of children who never see their dads, Of fathers who just left and never looked back, of men who forget their children exist. I admire the fathers in the world who do their damndest to be around, and be a positive, supportive influance on their children. Every little girl deserves to have that example of what an amazing man is like, and every little boy needs his daddy to show him what being a man is all about. So if your a father, never forget that what you do today shapes who your children are tomorrow, and never let a single day go by without knowing that you are needed, and loved.

Happy Fathers Day in advance to all you amazing daddys and to all the mothers who play the role of both parents.


    AA

Life, Laughter, and Construction

   Lately, I have been thinking a lot about relationships. Relationships of all kinds. Family relationships, friendly relationships, and well...REAL relationships. I took a trip to Tennenesse. I got back to Michigan yesterday. I thought about a lot of things while I was gone. Maybe it was the constant reminders of my past life there, the friends left behind, the hopes and dream that fell through and the marriage that was born and died in that very city. Maybe it was my mind just needing to decompress.

   On my long drive down, I decided that life is like the highway. You're always on a jounry. It doesn't matter where you are going, there are bumps in the road. Truth is, sometimes there is construction and you feel completely stuck. I feel like- right now in my life, I'm stuck in construction... Bumper to bumper....stop and go....unsure of my destination. In life, just like in construction, we may take a detour, we may make a wrong turn...but eventually we will end up, exactly where we are supposed to be...right? I sure hope so.

   Thinking about all of this quickly lead my mind to evaluate relationships, and their effects on your life. I think that the relationships we choose to hold somewhat define the direction of our lives. Okay, maybe not define...but they greatly affect our day to day.

   I enjoy the kind of love that comes easy. Uplifting, pleasent, simple love. But the truth is, nothing about love is ever simple. In my marriage, I struggled a lot with the issues of trust. I was always the kind of person that said, once you loose trust, YOU CAN get it back...I said things like..It just takes time...or if we both work on it, we will get past this. The truth is, once complete trust is gone, there is no getting it back. You spend so much time dealing with the effects of the lack of trust, that you never get around to working on rebuilding it. I had faith in "the fairytale". The one that ended with happily ever after. Disney never mentioned that "ever after" meant after the messy divorce, the splitting and dividing of assets and debts, and the signature on the dotted line stating that you were no longer married. Happily ever after doesn't exist. The perfect marriage doesn't exist, but the truth is- Real, true love...it exists. The love that grows old and lasts forever. I have not lost hope. I have simply realized that sometimes in life we fall in love, and it feels like a forever kind of thing, but in the end, maybe that love was a stepping stone, a life lesson, to get you to where you are supposed to go. And if that's not true, then maybe the truth is we just fucked up along the way and our choices made it so that this love would not last forever.

  I think for me these last couple months have been more about learning then about anything else. Love seemed so simple to me growing up. I knew what love was, and I knew I felt it, so everything else was just there. I felt that when you loved someone, no amount of bullshit mattered, you still loved them and you stuck it out. I always did my best to make him happy. I would sacrafice anything for his happiness. I thought that's what a good wife did. What I didn't realize, that sacraficing my happiness was causing me to loose myself, and if I wasn't myself, I wasn't the person he fell in love with.

   Love is a game of give and take. And I see now that sometimes you give so much that you are ultimitly taking away from not only yourself, but your partner too. Sometimes I think you just have to let go. You have to allow yourself to grow and change, and if in the end the trust, the hope, the faith...the laughter is gone...You give up and you both allow eachother to move on and find happiness.

   That's the most important lesson I have learned- Not only about love, but about life. I am the kind of person who loves to laugh. I get satisfaction from the smiles on the faces of the people I care most about. So in the days of my marriage where no smiles were presant, and life was a constant routine of muck, I wish I would have realized what was happening. Instead I forced an imagine in my mind of this perfect marriage and perfect family that would someday be. But the truth is, once your marriage is so far gone, you can't get it back. You have to work at a marriage, every single day. You have to be involved in the happiness and love it takes to make a marriage work. And I think there were times when I THOUGHT I was involved, but I was simply hoping that tomorrow would be better.

   My husband was not happy for a while. He pushed me away, and I was the kind of person who let it happen. I never stood my ground. I, instead convinced myself that someday we would get back to the way we were when we first married. I told myself that someday he would again be an active part in this. But the truth is I was telling myself lies. I did what I was supposed to do. I cleaned, I cooked, I smiled, I took him lunch, I made the bed...well most days atleast. But in the end, I did not stop to realize what we were loosing, little by little. We spent so much time worrying about not trusting eachother, and bickering over the little things, that we lost the laughter then once drew us together.

   And so now I have come to realize this: I am the kind of person who likes to laugh. I never want to be with someone I can't laugh with every single day. In ever relationship, there are troubles, and problems, and arguments. There are days when you want to just be left alone, and days when you want to cry, but at the end of the day, I want to be able to laugh with my lover. No matter how angry we may be, or how shitty our day was. Life is far to short to convince yourself that tomorrow will be better. I feel like the sun should never set on an argument, because you are not promised tomorrow. So from now on I am requiring laughter out of every relationship.

   In conclusion, I have come to find this... Everyone deserves to be happy. You only get ONE life, and it's way to short to be unhappy. I never want someone else to sacrafice their happiness for mine. I know that, in order to be politiclly correct, or IDEAL, we are supposed to get married once, have children, raise them in a happy home. But who wants to be politiclly correct, at the risk of their own happiness? I don't think children raised in a home that is forced or fake will be any happiner then children raised in two happy homes. I want my kids to know happiness, laughter and love. Happiness, laughter and love that are genuine and real, not politiclly correct. Life is not always what you think it ought to be. Sometimes you have to make a wrong turn, or take a detour. Sometimes you have to let go no matter how much it hurts, and sometimes you have to have faith in taking that leap. Because at the end of the day, I'd rather see someone I love happy without me, then unhappy with me.

   Trust, Love, and Devotion cannot be faked, cannot be forced, and cannot be found, once they are gone. In love, just like in construction, we have to know when to take the nearest exit, and when to stick it out for the ride.


--AA

Simply Complex

I like to think of myself as a simple woman, with a complex mind. Some may think this makes me less simple..I simply think it makes me more interesting! I fancy the little things in life.- Things others take for granted, Things easily over looked. Active communication, and open conversation is a must. I'm a sucker for a good surprise, and I love to be in love. I like to see people smile, and if you can make me laugh, you've probobly stole my heart, atleast a little bit. I'd take Sunflowers or Daisys over diamonds. (Although, I don't mind diamonds.) I think that happiness and love are ultimatly the best gifts someone can give you. I like to think I'm a simple woman. Someone who seeks the little joys in life. I like to enjoy the moment, but sometimes that complex mind that I spoke of...well it gets in the way. It just does. Sometimes I wish I could put my mind on the back burner, and enjoy the moment a little more. But the truth is, I cannot turn off who I am. And sometimes I think my heart has something to do with the way my mind works too.

Is it possible to be a lover of the simple things, yet have such a complex mind? I often contemplate situations I wish I could just dive into. I argue with myself about what is right and what is wrong. I find happiness in situations I sometimes feel I should avoid. I find myself vacationing in situations that make my heart beat fast, and put butterflys in my belly. However, my mind often reminds me, I'm JUST vacationing. And like any good vacation, the end is the worst part. So what do we do? Do we allow ourselves to "vacation" in these places that make our hearts beat fast, even if it makes our mind spin.... Even if we don't know where we'll land? Or should we forever "live" in situations that feel safe?

Ultimately, the question remains; Is it logical to live for the beating of your heart?


I like to think of myself as a simple woman. One who puts thought into the things she does, and the way she lives. I like to think of myself as a lover of the simplest of things...Someone who is easy to please, and easy to love. But the truth is, I'm simply complex.



Thoughtfully Yours,
AA

I'll tell YOU what...

  This past year has brought so much change to my life. Some good, some bad, some indifferent, and some that will forever change me. People too have come and gone. I think that's all a part of life. I'm a firm believer that everyone who comes into our lives comes for a reason. They may teach you something, help you cope with something, or simply just love you. Some people are in our lives for just a short time, some forever. The best kind of people are the ones who have forever found a place in your heart...the people who reguardless of how long they stay, you will never forget.

  I like to think that God has a plan for everyone. Hope and faith are the only things that help me exist in the toughest of times, and I know that I am exactly where God wants me to be. There is always a reason, and always a chance to make the best of what you have. Life is not about having perfection, life is about seeing perfection in the most imperfect times. And I like to think that imperfection is beauty. -Sometimes life is beautiful and sometimes it is a beautiful mess.- Reguardless, you always have the choice to see the beauty in the misery.

  For quite some time I have struggled with finding closure from my past. Rahther it be issues with my father, my marriage or myself, closure has never come easy. I think I have always felt like I needed someone else to give me closure. Someone who hurt me, someone who betrayed me, or someone who simply changed my life in less then beautiful ways. I've come to realize that closure is my own. I can create it, I can find it, and I can achieve it, without the help of anyone else. Closure comes from within yourself. It comes from your heart, your soul, your mind, your very being. It comes from finding peace within yourself, and letting go of the anger, the pain and the problems that have once controlled you. And it is true...if we cannot find closure, our past controlls our future.

  My past has haunted me for a very long time. I have struggled with knowing my self worth, and feeling confident with who I am. I don't find this irrational. A little girl whos father never cared to be around...? A father who hurt her, abandoned her, and made her a convience...How could I love myself if my own father could not? How could I feel worthy of love...worthy of confidence...worthy of anything? MY OWN FATHER DID NOT FIND ME WORTHY OF HIS TIME AND LOVE, how could I expect anyone else too? I think for a long time this has weighed on my heart. I allowed others to treat me poorly, because I didn't feel worthy of better. I allowed people to make me their door mat, patiently waiting for them to walk over me, whenever they felt like prancing through the door. I allowed people to disrespect me, because how could I command respect? I did not feel worthy of respect, or confidence, or love for that matter.

  After years of feeling worthless, I have finally come to see the other side. (Some one may of helped me see the other side...thank you.)   I think I finally see that I don't need anyone else to find me worthy of the things I want in life or the things I want out of love, for that matter. I do not need someone else to validate my worth (even though it feels damn good when they do). I feel like for the first time in a long time, I don't need someone else to make me feel important or special. I have realized it was my fathers loss to not love me. I would agree it was a loose-loose situation, however. I would have loved to have had a father who I could forever admire...but the truth is, I didn't... I don't, I never will....
And for once I feel at peace with that.

  I think for a long time I felt as though I was the only one who suffered from his decision to never be there. I was not. Infact, I lost much less then he did. He not only never got to know me, he will never know my son; his grandchild. He has a child and a grandchild in this world, and he will never know us. He will never know who we really are. He mearly knows of us. And that truly is a shame. I can finally see my own worth, and know that HE IS MISSING OUT. Now, I'm not going to say the lack of a father in my life was not a loss to me aswell, but I cannot change the choices of others. And I have lived my life long enough feeling like there was something wrong with me. I have lived for FAR TOO LONG feeling as though I did not deserve the love and care of my father, or any other man for that matter. I wondered if I would ever be capable of deserving love. And now I finally feel as though there was nothing I had done or could do to change that. I had irrational fears and gult for a majority of my life.

  I -to some extent- feel as though I am worthy of more then just love and care. I deserve to be treated as well as I treat others. I may not be a model, I may not be super skinny, I may not be perfect, but I know my heart is beautiful. I know that I love unconditionally, I give my all to the people I care about, and I care about every person who comes into my life, reguardless of how long they stay. I know that I like to make others happy, and making someone smile or laugh, makes my day. I know that I love beyond a doubt, and I know I am worthy of all the same. I have hope, that I never again will allow someone to treat me like less then I am worth. I feel it is only right to be treated as good as you treat others. And people who don't notice your worth, or treat you like less then you deserve, DON'T DESERVE A PLACE IN YOUR LIFE.

  I feel free. Almost. I know this is a journey, and I have not reached the end- I'm still walking the path. But it is definatly good to feel like some of my wounds have scabbed over and they continue to heal. It feels good to finally know realize, that I have all along deserved love. I have deserved effort, and patience, and time, and affection. I deserve everything I have always given, and never required in return. I will (try to) never again allow myself to fall at the feet of others because I feel worthless. I have to require more of the people I care for, and I have to require more of myself. I know damn well I am capable of amazing things. I know I love beyond extrodinary means, and I know that I too deserve that kind of love in return.

  My life is no longer just about making other people smile. I'll make me smile too. And I know that I will find someone who cares as much about my happiness as I do about theirs. Because after all, isn't that what loving someone is all about? Maybe for a long time love has been a false sense of security for me. I know I have loved. I know I have been in love. But I do not know if I have known love this way before. I don't think I have ever before realized that love shouldn't conquour you. You should not have to sacrafice your own happiness to please someone else. If you cannot simply be you and be loved for it, are you being loved at all? Sometimes I feel like so much of me has changed because of past relationships. Past loves. And sometimes I miss those parts of me. But I am comfortable knowing, I now get to be me, and watch someone fall in love with me for exactly who I am, exactly as I am, without requiring me to dote on their every need and want; without making me compramise myself. I'm no longer worried about being everything to someone else. I am more concerned with being myself, and allowing THAT to mean everything to someone, somewhere, someday.

-As Always,

AA

"Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope."

Vulnerable

I often find myself thinking about what could of been, what should of been, and what will never be. I hate that. I hate regret... I try to live without it, but regret is like a cavity, and once you have it, it's there for keeps. I keep reminding myself that could of, would of and should of...are NOT, so why bother entertaining those thoughts. I guess some things in life are just enevitable.

Lately, I find myself struggling with what I could of done with my life. What chances did I loose, that I can't ever get back? It doesn't matter, I know. But curiosity is a bitch. I guess lately I have been questioning all kinds of things...

Pain mostly.

I've written previously about how much I fear it. Yet, I always find myself in the most vulnerable positions...
I often care about people I know will hurt me. I do things I know will never get me to the places I want to be, simply because they are convient and often tempting. I know that I have this overwhleming want to love. Once I love you, I will go to the ends of earth to care for you...reguardless of the fact that you will eventually hurt me. I once again, cannot help but question why? Why put myself in such a vulnerable position... to care so much for people who will eventually dissapoint me and hurt me. Why set myself up for heartach?

Can't a girl ever find peace?!

I was so incredibly consumed with loving my husband. I invested my heart, my soul, my future and my dreams into my marriage. I left a comfortable home, my family, my dreams of college, my full time job, and my common sense to run away, get married, be the perfect wife, and support his military dreams. I left everything I thought I was... because my heart told me too. Even when I felt my marriage slipping away, I invested my hope, my faith, and my trust into that man. I do not regret it. But in the end, I am left with nothing, except an amazing son and a broken heart. And don't get me wrong, I would not trade the broken heart for my son...but I would have liked to have seen a different outcome. Afterall, who wants a broken heart...lost dreams...and a failed marriage on there resume? (I wish I knew how to put the little line over that e so that looked correct.)

I wish I knew where I was giong with this. I feel scatter brained. My head is in a million places right now, and sometimes I just wish I knew the answer before the question. However, the question remains...

Do we put ourselves in vulnerable positions and know we will get hurt, or do we air on the side of caution and forget the journey all together?

I was trying to live my life on this new theory, that "You only live once..." But hell, who wants to live a life full of bad decisions, simply because we're trying to be carefree? I know I'll find a happy medium.. I'm just wondering WHEN?!

Cosntruction...

My blogs underconstruction for the time being. I will continue to post, however I'm just not sure what I want to do with it- design wise. I feel like everything in my life is changing, so why not this too?
I did change the title, and the webaddress (Yes again.) Please bare with me. I'm trying to find "my own".... Make a name for myself so to speak..(or litterally..)



...AA

Baggage

It's so hard to be yourself in a world full of let down.
Being vulnerable is impossible.
I refuse to tear down walls, that feel so nessicary.
I fear break down, I fear let down, I fear people.
How can you survive when you're so full of fear?
I want to love.
But I know I'll first have to trust....
And trusting doesn't come easy.

My entire life I have jumped in head first...
Fears and worries were packed away like old treasures.
I never bother to unpack.
I've lived out of an emotional suitcase for quite some time.
But now, these fears and worries hang politley in my closet.
Their the only clothes I own.
I resentfully wear them everyday.
I wish I could pack them away like old treasures..
But I need them. I need them to protect me, and to keep me safe from the world.

The pain of my past has controlled me, consumed me, conqured me.
I want to break free.
But how do you escape from all you have ever known?

I feel as though I am being cheated out of so many things.
And I'm cheating myself.
I'm holding myself back.
Fear has overcome me.
I want to trust.
I want to love.


I wish these issues would turn to scars.
I'm okay with scars.
Scars say "I have healed but I am forever changed."
Instead, I'm left with open wounds.
I'm okay with being changed...
I'm okay with remembering what the past has taught me,
I'm even okay with the occasional reminder that having a scar will bring.
But open wounds continue to bleed...
and I just want to heal.

"As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a girl will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda woulda, buckle up and just keep going." -C.B.

But, the question is....How do you let go?





Yours Truley.

Continuence...

I live to tell a good story....but where is my story going?

Life is a Story...

I live to tell a good story. Afterall, isn't life all about who you have become, what you have accomplished and what you have given back to the world?

I live to tell a good story...
But what if my story ends up being a tragic mess?
What if I'm lost, and my story feels dead stopped...somewhere between failing and failed.
My story seems to be a series of events I have shelved, to do some other day.
Some other day, when the time was right, and it was my turn to be, to succeed, to achieve.
What if someday never finds me?
I constantly struggle, wondering if I will ever be all that I have dreamed.
I wonder just how good my story will become....

I feel as thought, I have, for quite some time put my life on hold.
And it has not been for nothing, but for the most part, it has not been for ME.
I have put myself on hold for other peoples hopes, others dreams, and most importantly others needs.
I can't say that I mind. It is who I am. I would gladly help another, at no benefit to myself.
But today, I would like to help myself.
I would like my story to be solid, and strong.
I would like it to be inspirational and entertaining.
Afterall, no one likes to read a boring story.

I drempt as a young girl my story would entail marriage, and chidren...a big family.
Most importantly a happy family.
I wanted to be someones wife, and someones mother. I wanted to make people happy.
I drempt of this amazing family that was strong as steel.
I never hoped to be twenty one, divorcing, and single parenting my one year old.
But sometimes we have to go through bad times to arrive in beautiful places..
And now I patiently wait..
I'm waiting to wake up and look out my window and find the beauty.
I need the sun to shine again.

Now, yes, I am well aware I must make the sun shine.
Things like this do not just happen on their own.
But give me time. I will get there.
For now, I am somewhat comfortable in the mush.
I needed this time to find peace and closure...
To quit blaming myself...to feel like a failure...
And then to self-realize I have forever done all I could.
I may have failed...
But it was not by choice..it was not by fault..and I will not feel guilty.

The sun will shine again.
I will find beauty, amidst my mush...
I will tell a good story.


*AA

Inconsistent

People always say life is what you make it, however I FEEL, life is partially what happens to you, and partially how you handle it. "We're a product of our up-bringing", but we're also a product of how we decide to live our lives after our parents are done doing their job. I've become a firm believer that even those with the worst childhood, can DECIDE to make the best of adult-hood. You do determine your fate, but your circumstances will always be a part of you.

I grew up the majority of my life without my father. Infact, I cringe when people refer to that man as my "dad". While he may be a father, he was far from a dad. My parents divorced when I was...three? Maybe a little younger, I cannot even recall. HE moved hours away, and rarely had the time to see us. It was always on terms of convenience for him. I grew to resent him with each passing year. Whenever I think of this man, I think of the most disapointing experience of my childhood. Said "man" was on the other line of my telephone telling me he was coming to get me. He was taking JUST ME. This was beyond exciting for me. My sister has grown up with countless medical conditions and for much of our childhood was the center of everyones day. Constant doctors appointments, care and concern consumed our lives. For HIM to be coming to get just me...well I felt special for the first time in a long time. As soon as I knew he was coming, I was done swimming, which happened to be my favorite hobby at the time. I had to of been nine or ten at the time. He wouldn't be there for six hours, but I waited intently on the couch with my bags packed. I didn't even eat dinner. Roughly five hours later HE called. He wasn't going to make it. He just couldn't leave work...or some nonsense that really hurt. The man owned his own business. Really...couldn't leave? You waited five hours to tell me? It was then I decided he was not a father. He was the kind who tried to call when you were in trouble. He once told me I was grounded over the phone...I hadn't seen him in over six months...was he joking? By age eleven it was set in my mind I wanted nothing to do with him, and at age tweleve I completely stopped calling him dad, stopped visiting even when it was convenient for him, and stopped caring, or so I thought.

The truth is, when your a little girl and "daddy" leaves, and acts as though you are a convenicnce, it hurts you, it changes you. I couldn't come to face this until I was an adult and really had the capacity to see what he had done to me. I wanted a daddy, I wanted to be loved and feel important, but it never happened. For the next couple years, I saw him only from the window of my hosue while he pulled up in the drive way to pick up my sister, when he FOUND THE TIME. I was okay with that. I wanted nothing to do with a man who found his children to be a convenience.

I married my highschool sweetheart at eighteen. Our relationship had always been rocky. He joined the army two years prior and had just returned from a fifteen month long deployment, in which our relationship was even rockier. For the most part, I spent everyday that I was his wife, doing all the things I felt a wife was supposed to do. I cooked, I cleaned, I did the laundry, I laid out his clothes, I left him sweet love notes in his ruck when he had to go to the field for days on end. It never seemed to be enough. He spend much of his time working, and the rest playing poker at the bar. I faught with him over it, but ultimatly I settled. I settled on the fact that this was my reality and I'd rather have my husband at the bar playing poker and drinking while I sat at home, then not have him at all. We had a child a year and a half into our marriage. And the day my son was born I could think of nothing other then the fact that I hoped my husband would be the kind of father neither he, nor I ever had. I knew he was an absent husband, but I prayed to God he would never be an absent father. I convinced myself I could deal with being home alone while he was out, as long as when he was home, he was the best damn father he could be. I could endure the lonliness of deployments and bar nights, so long as my child was happy with his father.

Infact, even after the divorce papers were filed and delivered, one day he would love me and want to fix things, and the next he would hate me. Sometimes he wanted me back, and sometimes he wanted to put a knife in my back. I found myself on a constant emotional rollarcoaster, and it wasn't until reacently that I COMPLETELY stepped off and decided I had- had enough. More inconcentiencies.

Here I am a thirteen months past the birth of my son and I have never felt more like that twelve year old before. My [ soon to be ] ex husband lives in TN, and my son and I in Michigan. He was deployed just a month after baby bear was born. And returned just past his first birthday. Since then he has been in Michigan once. He spent a couple hours with our son the weekend he was home. He is coming back again this week, and I am anxious [and less then overjoyed] to see how much of an effort is put it. I know he has good intentions. But unfortunatly I don't think his intentsions always show. He loves our son...he really does. But I'm not sure parenting is at the top of his list of priorities. It seems that he too has found time with his son to be more of an "at his convenience" kind of thing- Which of course was my worst fear. I don't want this cycle to repeat itself, but I'm not exactly sure if there is anything I can do to change it. I am the best mother I can be. My son comes before anything in my life, and I would never change that. However, I know first hand what it is like to have an amazing mother and an absent father. There are some things money cannot buy, and two awesome parents are one of those things.

Now that I am "seperated" from the man I have invested seven years of my life with, I find it so hard to trust anyone. Every man I have given my faith and trust too, have eventually dissapointed me, broken my heart, and abandoned me. I feel as though this is my fate, and I wish there was a switch I could flip to end this madness. My wall is up. I feel like there is no reason I should ever let it down. I feel like letting people in, will just lead to repetition of let down and hurt...and let's face it, who wants to be set up for pain? [Unless it's a tattoo of course...]

So my question is this...
The msot important men in my life have always made me a convenience, let me down, and eventually left. I find it impossible to trust, and even harder to let people in. When does this stop, and how do I learn to trust again? At what point do I get to forget this hurt and move on to find someone who will never make me feel this way? Do such men exist? Is there something wrong with me...? I want to be able to open up and trust again, I don't like feeling permanently damaged. I constantly find myself questioning the sincerity of people around me. Words are so easy to say....but to mean them...that's another thing. And I want someone to mean them.

I can only hope as my journey continues, I find the power to knock down my own walls- open up, and trust someone again. I am the kind of person who loves with everything inside of me, and I do not want to watch another man DESTROY everything inside of me. I'm trying to figure out how to make the correct choices, so that my childhood no longer depicts my adult-hood. Best wishes to me, huh?

Oh well, that's my thought for tonight!

As Always,
AA