Monday, August 15, 2011

Problems and Prayers

The last fourteen months of my life have been hectic, complicating, challenging, and overall tiring. From deployment, to raising a baby alone, to separation, reconciliation, and trying to find myself...I just seem to be more lost now then ever.

I keep searching for answers to question I don't even know if I'm ready to ask. I keep hoping things will magically fix themselves and I'll wake up from this horrid nightmare I feel I am existing in.
I want to be so many things in life...and I want to be them all...PERFECTLY.
I struggle with repairing this marriage, because trust is lost and communication has always been lacking. There is nothing more in this world, that I want...then to find 'us' again, and move past all of the things that have happened. But sometimes I simply feel depleted. I feel like no matter how much I give, will I ever be enough? This will take time, and I keep expecting miracles over night. I want to find my passion. I want to find my way. I want to make something amazing out of myself. I want to be the best mother I can possibly be. I want to be everything, perfectly.

And sometimes...I wish I could just stop. Stop thinking, stop over-thinking, stop trying to be everyone's savior, and everyone's right hand woman. Most of all I want to be able to turn to someone and tell them exactly how crazy I'm driving myself, by trying to be everyone, including myself. I have these outrageous expectations for myself, and when I can't live up to them, I feel like such a failure. Sometimes I just want to scream and let it all out. Sometimes I want a break from all the mess and clutter in my mind, and just have a day of peace. I just want peace.

Tonight I feel so cluttered and messy in my mind, and all I could think was about my want for simple peace. My need for diarrhea of the brain, so that I can just be free. So I decided that all I can do is pray. All I can do is put my hopes and dreams and faith and trust into the one man who has never left, Amen.....Literally. 

So tonight, like many nights, I have prayed. I've prayed most nights for the last two years...but tonight it was different. I put my everything into that prayer...I poured all of the weight on my shoulders out and I hoped to feel relief.
I don't. I mean..I feel a little better...but I think it's going to take some time for me to feel relief from prayer.

I think the most important things in life are not things at all... 
Life is not about what we do...where we live...what we have...or who we know.
Life is about our relationships.
It's about the people we love...
the people who mean the most to us...
the people who keep us going...

And so today, I hope for all of you, to truly appreciate the relationships in your life.
Put all of your problems up to God,
and take the time to truly appreciate and love the relationships that surround you.
Everything in life is replaceable, except for people.

I guess I will leave you with this for now...
Pray tonight. Pray for whatever you need to. Pray for peace. Most of all pray for the relationships you are lucky enough to embrace.


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