Thursday, December 30, 2010

No words left.

It has been some time since I have blogged. In previous posts, I complained. I complained about how ANYTHING that COULD go wrong during a deployment, WOULD go wrong. I complained about my surgery, my doctor mishaps, my sons formula recall, my car being hit....about everything. I took for granted the people who REALLY had something to complain about. Those people who everyday were dealing with the loss of a soldier.

My husbands unit endured terrifying losses last month. Not just his unit..not just his battalion..or even his company.....HIS PLATOON. His guys. His friends. His buddies. The people he not only worked with, but played with. The men he laughed with, and the men he bitched with. Men he helped train, men he fought a long side. Close friends. A friend whose family we are close with. A friend who's wife I know and love.

Rest In Peace to these heros.
But not just rest in peace, THANK YOU. Because of you my husband continues to fight. Because of you he is still breathing, and MY family can still continue to HOPE he will return home. Because of you he still gets to call home, and beacuse of you we still have a chance. I feel personally forever indebted to these men. Because of them, the others...they are standing strong and continuing to fight...because of them families are still praying and hoping for a return. It will never be will never have an explanation. But I thank you. I cannot say it enough. Every single day--I thank you.

Rest In Peace And Thank You-- November 14th, 2010
SPC. Scott Nagorski
SPC. Nathan Lillard
SPC. Jesse Snow

You are brave, outstanding, heros.

I haven't had much to say since then. I attended the beautiful and tragic funeral of Spc. Nagorski, as his wife and I have become very close. I consider her family. We worked through this deployment together. When she called me and spoke the words to me...that Scott was heart stopped. I was in disbelief. I was mortified. ME?! How fucking dare I? she is telling me her husband is dead, and MY heart stops? I should have been stronger.. I should have found better words to say. Still to this day, my words can never measure up to what I really feel for her. I cannot express the amount of concern and love and hope I hold for her and her one year old beautiful daughter. I can never find the words to tell her just how much I think about her, or how often I want to just drive to her and hug her.
There was nothing like that funeral. There never will be. It changed me. Made me realize a lot of things about life.. about not just military life, but everyday life. It made the challenges and the risks even more real. It made my heart heavy, and my mind constantly run. My concern for her family, and the families of the others..It will never end. I can only pray I never have to feel that kind of pain and hurt, but somehow, this tragedy has made my mind never stop. I feel pathetic, but there are days when I worry myself sick. I worry that every knock, every phone call...either could be news of another friends husband, or news about my own. And it has eaten me alive. Anytime a spouse calls, my heart jumps before I answer it. A knock at the door...I hesitate and stumble. There was a knock yesterday. My mom told me who it was without even looking. I said I didn't care...I sure as hell wasn't answering it! What if she was wrong? What if it wasn't someone we were expecting. It hurts. It's's terrifying.. I feel guilty for worrying and guilty for having no answers. Such an amazing woman is already feeling the aftermath of that knock, and here I sit constantly worrying about getting it. I need to feel my husband. Just touch him. Hold him, if only for a moment. I need to hear his voice, I need to see his face, I need to physically see that he is okay.These poor families will never have that. I feel guilty for wanting it. But I cannot yet separate my hope and prayers for my husbands safety for the guilt I feel for those families.

I don't have much more to say right now. I think I'm still trying to regain myself. I feel as though I have lost myself in this world of worry and wonder. I feel like the pain and sadness has overtaken me and until I have found a little peace, I'm just not myself yet. I cannot imagine how these families are feeling, or carrying on everyday, but I will never stop thinking of them, and praying for them, and holding their soldiers in my hearts, for all of the brave sacrifices they have made. These families are compiled of amazing, strong, proud people, and I wish I could take away just a little of their pain.

Until Next Time,

<3 AA

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


I have come to realize I am thankful for something rather unexpected. I am thankful for this deployment. The deployment was not unexpected, but me being thankful for it was! Now, don't get me wrong, if I could have forgone this deployment, I gladly would have, however I have learned some things!

My husband and I have been together on and off (mostly on) since I was fourteen! I think I have spent a lot of time in these years depending on him. I depended on him for support, and for comfort, for doing the "manly" things, for pretty much everything. He has been nothing short of my rock since the day we met. I have also forgotten about myself in these years. I have taken up a liking to all of my husbands hobbies, and joys, and forgotten to be myself. My husband fell in love with POKER in Iraq. When he came home, I learned his game of choice and enjoyed it (most of the time). My husband has been a hockey fanatic since he was a child. I have never watched sport. NEVER... but I now too love the Red Wings and am somewhat of a FANATIC myself. But as for me? I have not yet found the little joys of my life....

My grandma has a curio cabinet in her living room. I have admired it since I was a little girl. All of the pretty little nic-nacks have fascinated me for as long as I can remember. Being back in MI, I have gone to see my grandma a few times, and still I admire this eclectic collection of treasures. I searched online for some treasures, and have fallen in love with Swarovski Crystals. One day, I too will have a cabinet full of beautiful treasures on display to be admired.

I have come to love myself during this deployment. I have learned I can survive on my own. I am self-sufficent, and I can problem solve without consulting my husband. This is in no way saying I have realized I don't need him, or that I don't still love the things I have come to love because of him. I am just proud to say I have realized to appreciate things for myself, and come to realize I no longer need to dwell on having someone to help me along the way. I am so greatful for this time. I have realized to only appreciate those who appreciate me. I have found independance, and I have stood on my own two feet for the first time in my entire life.

If nothing else has come from this deployment, an appreciation for who I AM, has surly developed. I have faced challenges I didn't even know existed. I have solved problems alone, I would have turned to him for help with, I have found a love for something of my own. I have grown as a person, as a mother, and as a wife.

I have learned more about myself in the last 6 months, then I have in the last 6 years, and for that, deployment, I THANK YOU. 

Oh a lower note, I hate you deployment. I hate you for the time, the distance, and the lack of communication. I hate you for taking him so far away, for giving me gray hairs of worry, and for the things he has missed.
However, today I am being thankful, and I am thankful for the growth, change, and adventure you have caused. So today I say this deployment, THANK YOU. Thank you for allowing me to grow, and appreciate my husband in a light I never before would have. Thank you for allowing me a chance to stand on my own, and be strong by myself. Thank you for the triumphs I have achieved because of you. Thank you for sucking so bad, that you have made me stronger.
In a way, I am glad this deployment has been so down right- SHITTY. I am glad it has thrown every single curve ball. I am glad I had my first surgery alone, my car was hit, my child gave me hell, my feelings were hurt, my eyes were heavy, and my heart was tried. Okay, I'm not really GLAD for any of that, but I'm really glad for the outcome, and the strength overcoming these things has given me.

It's almost Thanksgiving. I'm in the holiday mood, and I'm thankful for a lot this morning. I hope everyone out there is finding simple little things to be thankful for. 

Thankfully Yours,

Friday, November 5, 2010

Life has been happening...

I'm not so sure if I have updated about all of the bare with me! Life has been a little hectic, and I have been a little...A LOT tired.

After 4 pediatrician visits in 3 weeks, I took my son to the E.R, where they told me he has reflux which is causing colic. They prescribed him Zantac, and three days later, the miracle drug kicked in! THANK GOD! My son wasn't sleeping but fifteen minutes at a time, and I wasn't sleeping, but 3 hours combined a night.
Yesterday Jax started beta blockers to help with his birthmarks, and so far, no issues. THANK GOD AGAIN!
Hey, it is November...Thanksgivings around the corner, and I SURE AM thankful for a lot these last couple weeks.

I ordered my husbands new wedding band which will be acting as his Anniversary present, and I'm pretty excited about it. I love it a lot, and I hope he does too. Speaking of my wonderful man, hopefully he will be home for some much needed R & R in the next couple months!

Today, I went and got my sons pictures done. Some for Christmas, and some for fun :)
I'll update with those later tonight or when life gives me another chance to have five minutes to sit down.

I'm still catching up on my sleep, and I've got a list as long as the Nile of things to get done.
I have much more to say, but as of right now, my child is a callin'.

Hope everyone is doing well..and getting into the holiday spirit!
I sure am! HOWEVER, I really could pass on these freezing temperatures, and the flakes of snow that just started falling. No, not much snow...just little flurries...but that's more snow then I'm ready for!

Until next time....
Stay thankful my friends. <3

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Bad News, Followed by Bad News, Followed by...You guess it!

I haven't updated in quite some time, and with good reason.
I've had my son at the doctors three times, and last night, I'd had enough and took him to the emergency room.
For the past month, my son has been up all night, SCREAMING like he's being murdered. He gets real bad gas and cries and cries and cries. The doctor has had me change his formula three times, and change bottles twice. I've tried a sleep wedge, I've tried Mylacon drops, and gripe water, to no avail.
Finally last night, to the emergency room we went. They determined he has reflux, which is causing colic. They sent us home with a prescription, and we're praying this does some work!
Exhausted does not begin to explain how tired I am, as I'm averaging three hours, NOT CONSTANT, sleep a night, for the last three weeks. My child is uncomfortable, and I'm at whits end.
The doctor told me all about how her daughter had this, and when her husband finally got home at night she would say..."YOU HAVE TO TAKE HER I CANT DO THIS". She said she cried and cried everyday.
And then I cried. I needed that cry. I cried for everything. For my sons pain, for my exhaustion, for frustration, for anger, for sadness, for my husband not being here, for the hell of it, I just cried. And she told me it was okay. She told me it was more then normal, and to get the hell out of the room sometimes and just take a break. I needed to hear that. I needed to know it was okay to NEED a break from your child when all he does is cry, and I needed to hear it was okay to CRY! I think I was so afraid of crying, and wanting a break, meaning I was failing, so I held it in. And now I feel a little better...if only for a day.
I'm praying this medicine works, however they say it will take five to seven days before we will know if it's working or not. Please let this give us, ATLEAST a little relief.

Untill I have something interesting to say...
I hope everyone is having better days..

<3 AA

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It's Been Crazy

I know I have been MIA lately. Things have been just a little crazy around here!
My baby boy would not sleep what so ever for about 4 days. He just screamed every time I laid him down. So I took him into the pediatricians office, and come to find out he has an ear infection! POOR BUBBA! That was Friday. So they started him on Amoxicilian, and he felt better immediately! Without surprise, Sunday morning I woke up sick as a dog. Monday I took MYSELF to the doctors, and got a ZPACK. Today is the first day I am feeling better, and boy am I grateful for that.
My poor J had to have surgery today. Ya see, when he was born, he was only four pounds, eight ounces. He was seven weeks premature, and spent twenty three days in the NICU. The hospital he was born in does not perform circumcisions on preemies! They tell you to speak with their pediatrician upon discharge. My son's pedi. in turn, referred us to a urologist. The Urologist would not circumcise him, until he had put on some weight, as he was already almost two months old. When a baby is this old, the circumcision is performed in the operating room, under general anesthesia. We had to weight until J was six months old. SO TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY! He could only have clear liquids after midnight, and nothing after 3 am. So at 2 am when he woke up, Jax got apple juice and water in his bubba. The apple juice gave him a gassy belly, in turn making him miserable. I went to bed at 1:30, which was terribly stupid of me. Little did I know our day would begin at 2 am. Jax screamed his head off. By the time we got to the hospital at 7:30 am, he was starving, and miserable. Overall, surgery went great. We are now home, and relaxing. Hopefully recovery is not to bad.
I'm hoping and praying this is the end of our terrible streak.
In the last three months, I have had emergency surgery to have my gall bladder removed, had to take my son to Detroit to see a specialist, my car got hit while parked in a parking lot, my sons formula was recalled- ultimately making him sick, he then could not adjust to new formula (either he was constipated or refused to eat), then the ear infection, then I was sick, and now surgery. I'm hoping we have had our fair share, and are now on the road to brighter days!

In happier news, I got to hear my husbands voice today, which made my week, or possibly my month. I miss that man, more then words can describe. I'm working on a fantastic Christmas surprise for him, and cannot wait to have him receive it!

Other then that, my days have consisted of an unhappy child, and a tired me! I'll update more when the days become more enjoyable! Hope everyone is having a better month then I!

<3 AA

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Sunday Lovin'

Happy Sunday folks! Chalk this up to another week down in this deployment...... Thank goodness!
The weekend has been ever so uneventful, and I'm so fine with that! We spent most of our time lounging around and doing nothing. However, we have had a couple mishaps.

Baby bear woke up Friday to the Butt Rash From Hell! Ultimately making him, the child from....well you get the picture! My husband contacted me, letting me know he is terribly sick, and vomiting. Ultimately making me a worry wart! My son has reformed back to his days of newborn-ism, in the fact that he feels it necessary to wake up every two hours in the middle of the night. Overall, I have had minimal amounts of sleep. And when I say minimal I'm referring to four hours MAX, combined sleep a night! It seems this hectic weekend has formed some sort of daunting schedule. Jaxson finally gives in and sleep at around midnight, my husband messages me around 2 am, and my son wakes up at 3.I would not change speaking with my husband at ANY time of the day, regardless of my lack of sleep. I would however, change my son waking up all night long, and not wanting to go back to bed, but as my husband says..."It is what it is", and for now, I'm handling it.

Tomorrow my son has his 6 month check up, and I have a confession. I'm praying this butt rash magically disappears! I know diaper rashes are a normal occurrence, however, I'm ONE OF THOSE MOMS. You know the kind... The mom who thinks, oh my goodness, I look like a terrible mom.This doctor is going to think I let my child sit in dirty diapers all day long. He's going to think I'm a terrible, irresponsible woman. I know this is so irrational, but I watch too much television. Mostly, too much Nancy Grace! All you ever hear about is woman who strap their kids in the car seat and drive their car into a lake, or woman who duct tape their kids to the walls and take pictures, and post them on facebook. (Yes, I have seen both of these stories on Nancy, just this week!) It's terrible. What kind of world are we living in? There are millions of woman in the world, doing everything they can to have a child. Woman who will adopt, or go through years of extensive medical treatment, just to mother, and yet we have woman abusing and murdering their innocent kids! GET A GRIP! These yucky, excuses for human beings, do not deserve to even be called mothers. Mothers nurture, care, love, and devote their lives to their children. THEY DO NOT murder, assault, or beat their innocent babies. Okay okay...End rant!

In brighter news, the weather is beautiful, the leaves are changing colors, and the sky is bright! What a perfect Sunday, to do absolutely nothing except enjoy my son, and the weather! My brother-in-law came over today, and fixed my computer and hooked up my printer, so tonight's task? Print and organize all of my recipes and get them into my recipe binders! You don't even know my excitement over this! I'm one of those people, who like everything to be organized, alphabetized, and categorized! I get excited over storage bins, and plastic containers. I would label every drawer, cabinet and bin if I wouldn't look like a total psycho!

So I'm off for now, to begin my new task! I hope everyone is having a peaceful, relaxing Sunday. Don't blink, it will be Monday before we know it!

<3 AA

Ps. I have reread some older posts, and realized I have quite a few grammar and typing errors. Excuse those. I usually blog on my balcony, (weather permitting) and either my laptop is about to die, or my child begins to scream, and I don't find the chance to go back and proof read! I always say I'll fix it later..but I never seem to see later on the clock! <3

Thursday, October 7, 2010

He laughes. I Cry.

Yesterday, I spent the entire day singing, "Happy Half Birthday To You" to my son. He spent the day laughing at me. It was rather enjoyable, and light-hearted. So there you have it, my baby boy is officially one half of a year old! I can hardly believe how the time has flown! In real time, my baby is only supposed to be four months old, but in our time, *since he came 7 weeks early* he is a whole six months!

These past six months have been full of trial and tribulation, triumph and failure. But mostly, they have been full of the best memories I could ever imagine. Of course, my husband being here, would have made them better, but we deal with what we are delt. I have watched Baby J grow from a tiny 4 pound peanut in the nicu, into what I like to call my baby bear! He has filled my grueling months of longing and sadness (due to deployment) with joy and fun. His smile lights up my day, and his laugh lightens my load.
Of course, there are times when I'm exhausted, and strained. Times when I want nothing more then a drink, and a night out. Nights, when I want nothing more then sleep, and days when I want nothing more then silence, however, I would not trade those late nights rocking him to sleep, or those long days of whining, for the world. The past six months have taught me to cherish every moment. (Hence those words being tattooed to my foot!) I know, in no time at all, he will be too big to rock, to old to want mommy, and to grown to need me. But for the time being, I'm latching onto ever second of him being little.

As you can see, yesterday was bitter sweet for me. I celebrated the six months I have had. I celebrated his growth, his progress, and his achievements. I mourned the days when my husband was here to help, the days my husband held him, and hell...the days my husband was here to hold me. But today, I'm looking forward. Forward to my baby turning into a little boy, forward to the memories that are yet to come, and forward to the days my husband will be here to enjoy this journey we have created.

Emotional old me, got to thinking last night. What if? What if my husband doesn't make it back? What if we loose our hero? What if he never gets to celebrate this journey with us? I cried. I needed a good cry. It's been quite some time. I have held myself together, refused tears, refused the what ifs? I need it. It was like a release of so many things. So in the dark, alone, I cried. And after words, I pulled myself together. I picked up our baby boy, and I laughed. Do I sound crazy yet? I laughed, because he was laughing. I laughed because he put his hand on my face as if to embrace me. I laughed for my husband. I laughed. I found confidence, I found pride, and I found hope. My husband IS coming home to us. He IS going to enjoy this journey. He IS going to be here until we are old and gray! Why? Because I said so. Because I have faith in him. Because I have faith in God. Because I know he is supposed to be here. Because I know our story does not end just yet. I know that we have more things to endure, more memories to make, more time. I'm holding my head high today. I'm keeping that faith in my back pocket. I refuse to acknowledge the what if's.

There are times in life when we learn very valuable lessons. Today I learned. Maybe, I have always know, but today it made itself ever so clear. Maybe I can thank this deployment. Maybe I can thank my emotions, maybe I can thank no body but my self, however, today's lesson was worth learning....

My husband and I have been together for seven years. Seven. We're in our early twenties. Not many people under the age of 23, can say they have been with their soul mate for seven years. I'm grateful for this. I think sometimes in our day to day lives, we forget to be thankful. Today I am thankful. Thankful for the life my husband has provided us. Thankful for love. Thankful for family. Thankful for being thankful. Sometimes we need to stop the hecticness, and just be grateful.
While passing a church sign, I noticed a quote the other night. It truly spoke to me...
"You are not rich in life, until you have the things, money cannot buy."
I'm rich! I'm stinkin' RICH! I never thought I would say it..but I AM!

I have an amazing husband, who puts his life on the line. Not for a paycheck, not for health care, not because he couln't find a job. My husband chose the army, long before he graduated high school. He longed for it. It was all he ever wanted. I'm thankful for the person my husband is, the job he does, and the way he makes me feel.
I have a full of life, happy -go- lucky little boy. He is healthy, he is growing, and he is amazing.
I have a wonderful family. A mother who would stop at nothing to make her children happy.
I have love. I have faith. I have hope. I have things others only dream of.
I am rich.

So today, I leave you with this....
No matter what is going on, how crazy your day becomes, or how stressed out you may be. Be thankful. Be thankful for the things that money cannot buy, and the people you could never replace. All of your troubles will be there when you wake up...I promise, they are going nowhere. Today, laugh. Hold your children. Call your mother. Celebrate the things we have been given, and the times we have had. Embrace the memories that are yet to come, forget about the bills. Don't let anything bring you down. Because, I bet, you too are rich!

AA <3

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Partys Over

So my pity party has ended. Actually it ended the afternoon it began, but that's beside the point. I have gotten to talk to my husband a couple times via Yahoo Messenger, and this morning I even got to hear his voice!

Yesterday, Hubby and I had a most enjoyable conversation about the future. In previous convos, he had seemed a little down...and there's nothing I hate more then that! But yesterday I found hope and aspiration in his words. He spoke of wanting to go to Ranger School, and getting a sleeve tattooed. *So hot, if you ask me!*                                   
Most my life, I have settled. Settled for C's. Settled for simple dinner fixes. Settled for content instead of happy. I'm tired of settling. Before my husband left, I had SETTLED on going to hair school when he returned. Do I love hair? Yes. Do I want to do it for the rest of my life? No. But it would be quick, and it would bring home a paycheck. I do like quick. I could settle on easy. But why settle? Why not do something I've dreamed of doing? Why not work hard, and be something I can be proud of?
I'm over settling. I'm done choosing easy. And I'm done thinking I won't be good enough. So there you have it, in January, I plan to take pre req's online, and when my husband returns from this deployment, I will push myself. I will go to school. I will make it. I will do something enjoyable with my life.

In other news, my husbands computer was acting up and so he mailed it home to his brother to be fixed. Thank you USPS, for completly terrorizing the box. My husbands computer screen is now trashed. My smart husband did purchase $1,500 worth of insurance on the thing, so hopefully tomorrow when I bring it to the post office to make an insurance claim, they do something about it.

Today I dug out my external so all of his pictures and videos from deployment can be put on there, and I am rather excited about seeing these pictures and videos. Any glimpse I can get of where he is, or more importantly, HIM, is like a million dollars at this point. I cannot describe how much I miss that man...there just aren't words for that. So needless to say, I'm over the moon excited his computer took a shit, and these pictures and videos will now be available for my enjoyment. I am NOT however over the moon that the post office trashed the computer on the way here and it is now nonfunctional completely.

Other then that, not much is new on the home front. My baby boy will be six months old tomorrow, and I can hardly believe it. It's his half birthday..six months since that day? Six months worth of growing and learning as a first time mom. I get sad just thinking about how I will never have those first six months back. They have been the most enjoyable, and rewarding six months of my life, and I honestly feel like nothing I do will ever be as important as this. My son is my whole world. Between him and my husband, I have everything I could ever dream of. They are my happy place. So baby boy, happy half birthday tomorrow. You are forever my baby.
I cannot wait to experience the next 6 months, and all the years to follow.

I'll leave you all with that. And promise to update again soon. If not for your reading enjoyment, then to keep my sanity! Hope everyone has a good week, and don't forget to tune into Sons of Anarchy tonight! It's sure to be amazing! <3

--Double A <3

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Pity Party- Open Invite!

That's Right! I'm throwing a pity party, and you're all invited!

Last night, I went to sleep to the sound of a peaceful, calm, constant rain. It was almost beautiful. And if you know me, I'm not one to enjoy rain, or storms for that matter. In fact, thunderstorms scare my pretty little panties off. But this was a different kind of rain. It was diligent and soothing. It relaxed me beyond belief. I slept. I mean, really slept. Insomnia has taken over my life since the beginning of this deployment, and I've had very few nights of "real" sleep. But last night, that almost beautiful rain put me to sleep. * Okay, I'll be honest, I'm not one hundred percent convinced it was the rain..It could have been the lack of sleep I have had, the exhausting two weeks, or even the fact that I was just plain worn out.. But, I'd like to think it was the rain!

After awakening to the sound of my son babbling in his crib, I felt refreshed....for a second. Until I opened up the blinds and saw my surroundings. The sky was gloomy and dark. The rain was violent and harsh, and the wind was mind blowing. Gross. The flowers look dead, and the grass appears muddy. Thank you rain, for allowing me to love you for a whole night, before you ruined my day.

So with the let down of the rain, I got the boy up, turned on the radio, and fed him some breakfast. Every single song that played was a downer.
I'm talking...real downer.
Brian McKnight- Whenever you call... Thank you for reminding me I have not heard my husbands voice, and it will be days again, before I do.
Aerosmith- I don't want to miss a thing...Thank you for making me think about all of the things my husband is missing while on this long, stupid, deployment!
Lady Antebellum- Need you now...Thank you for pointing out just how much I could really use my husband right now.
Yep. That's right..Three in a row. True downers...And so, my pity party began.

My husband is deployed, my son is teething and hates the world, the rain is ugly and torturous, I still have to deal with a smashed up car, and my knee hurts like a mother effer. That's right.. I said it.. A MOTHER EFFER!

Any who, I continue on with my motherly duties. Get the boy burped, and dressed, and set him on his play mat with some toys. Pick up his cereal bottle, and bowl and head to the kitchen. Just to find that pile of bottles and bowls and spoons I so carelessly left in the sink last night because I was just so in love with the pitter-patter of the rain, and all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and look out the window at this ALMOST beautiful sight. So, now to tackle this stinkin' pile. I absolutely hate bowls of crusted mess. And what did I do in my euphoria of giddiness about the rain? Left my sons dinner cereal leftovers in his bowl and stacked it in the sink. SOMEONE decided to run some water in that bowl, and that cereal was now a hot crusted mess of gush on every single dish. LOVE MY LIFE at this point! So I get through with that, and head back into the living room and look at that dreaded over-flowing laundry basket of baby clothes that need to be washed. Now, usually laundry is my favorite household chore, but good god, when you have to walk three flights of stairs to get to the washer and dryer, that someone else in the building usually has left their laundry sitting in for at least eight hours..I HATE LAUNDRY. Oh how I miss my pretty little apartment where the laundry was quietly tucked away in a closet two steps from my living room. So you think I tackled that laundry basket? NOPE! I let it sit. I stared at it for a few minutes, and thought about how badly I need to conquer it, I considered the fact that there were only two cars in the parking lot, and hopefully no ones laundry would be down there..but I left it there..over flowing onto the floor, looking hideous. Oh well! Today is MY pity party, and I'm not doing anything I don't want to do.

Any who, the night before last, I went to the gym. I worked my ass off...I mean really...WORKED MY ASS OFF. I'm talking a "level 4 on the bike, level 5 on the elliptical" kind of worked my ass off. Not to mention I did floor work! I killed my abs, and my hips. Literally, I think their still laying there in Lifetime! I've never been one for much of a floor work out, but the personal trainers were up there doing some demonstrations, and I caught on. Planks, elevated ab twists, squats with weights on these balancing things. Oh lord, did I ever push myself. I left out feeling pretty damn good about myself. I never once told myself I couldn't do it, and I never quit before finishing the goal I had set... well okay, once I actually did. I was doing that exercise where you get down in the push up position and alternate bringing your legs up..ya know the ones..where it looks like your running on the ground? Anyways, I would do that for a minute, then switch to bicycle, then back. Well shit! After one round of these my knee was in dyer pain. I fell out- Like a private on their first road march after drinking too many beers the night before! I was done. My knee hated me! So I cooled down, and then headed home. My knee was still sore after a long hot bath, but I figured it would be fine.
Woke up yesterday, got up to get the baby...NO GO! My knee killed. I mean KILLED. I brushed it off, and figured it would be better today. Nope, woke up today...Probably ten times worse. I'm so disgusted with today. If it's not one thing, it is constantly another.

Regardless of today's pity party, I have decided to stay motivated about the gym, and life in general..After I'm done sulking today of course! Tonight is Sons of Anarchy, so I will be skipping the gym. And to be honest, if it wasn't SOA night, I'd probably skip anyways, because I'm busy sulking! But tomorrow, I'm hitting that gym just as hard as I did on Sunday. Minus the floor running, and the bicycle, because I don't feel like having a bad knee for the rest of my life. I'm also on the prowl for a good home work out, for the days when my mom can't watch the baby while I hit the gym, or SOA nights, or nights when it's grossly raining like it is today. I've decided to kick my own ass, every single week, until I look exactly how I want to. I'm so tired of being disgusted with how I look, and being envious of the skinny pretty girls, who care wear sweat pants and rags and look beautiful.
So my diet has began, and so far, so good. I worked my ass off at the gym- YES! And I'm looking for a home workout routine.- FANTASTIC!
Let's hope I can stick with this, and kick this weight. I'm staying positive -about THIS at least!

Now, I guess I should stop sulking, end my pity party, and do that damn laundry!
John Michael Montgomry- I can love you like that, just came on. And It's a nice contrast from all the downers I've been listening to all morning..
So on that note, I'm off to perk up, get things done, and play with the most handsome, energetic little boy in the whole wide world! After all, his smile is simply contagious, and I could sure use a nice smile right about now!

Check back later, and find out if this pity party has really ended, of if I'm just fooling myself.
Oh, and I hope you don't have this nasty ugly rain and wind in your neck of the woods.

<3 AA

Monday, September 27, 2010

Personal, Pathetic, and Patient...

So lately I've had all kinds of things going on and I wish to share them with all of  the people reading this. Or basically just my computer screen, in case no one ends up reading this!

I'll start with a follow up from the last few things I've wrote about.

1. Similac is still not selling the powder form of my sons formula, so we have resorted to buying the liquid concentrate, which is more expensive. It's a bummer, but what can ya do? Hopefully they will get their act together soon and produce some bug free powder for us moms on a budget to purchase!
On the brighter side, my son is back to sleeping like a peaceful baby, hasn't been spitting up, and is happy as can be! On the downside, we haven't had any world war III diaper explosions, or even poop for that matter in two days, and I'm starting to worry! It's the days when your infant is constipated that you really wish he would have those diaper explosions!

2. All State, the insurance of the old folks who hit my parked car, has contacted me! They have accepted full responsibility (as they should, since I was not in my vehicle and it was parked in a parking lot) and they are going to cover full costs of the damage to my car. So I took my car into their offices, had the damage evaluated and will be taking it to a shop later this week to be fixed! WOOHOO on that!

3. We have been doing compression wraps on J's "strawberry" mark on his arm. It actually puts me at ease. I don't have to worry about his scratching at it or pulling on it and it bleeding profusely! The resident in the doctors office in Detroit called me and said that the doctor will be contacting the pediatrician this week, and I should find out about when he will be able to start the medication to hopefully get rid of these buggers! :) Makes me happy. Now lets hope I hear from him! Speaking of these marks I am reminded of a funny story, that I will throw in here for kicks and giggles!
About a month and a half ago I had to have emergency surgery to have my gallbladder removed, and was in the hospital for a week! While in the hospital, my mom was taking care of my son, working two jobs and trying to visit and comfort me. Two of the nights my mom had to work at night and took J to my cousins house to be watched. My cousin has a 4 year old son. J and my cousin were in the living room, and her son was in the kitchen. He said to his mom, COVER HIS DOT! The poor little boy refused to come around J until the "dot" was covered! He was terrified of this dot! It was absolutly adorable. It is now a standing joke at family functions, that the "DOT" must be hidden.

Now onto new news...
Lately I have been having some thoughts about my father. My parents divorced when I was three. I recall a time when I was little that my father was angry and threw a picture frame across the room, at what I recall to be my mother. Unfortunately this picture frame broke all over the place right in front of me. My father moved hours away, into the upper peninsula of Michigan, and my mother, my sister and I moved in with my Grandma and Papa. My dad would occasionally come and take us for the weekend. And by occasionally, I mean, when it was convenient for him, when he felt like it, when he wasn't too busy. My mom remarried when I was 6 (and had a son when I was 7) , and my father dated an old fling for a majority of my childhood. My sister was born with quite a few health problems. There is a white coating around everyone's brain and part of hers is missing, she has a form of Cerebral Palsy, she had cataracts and cornea scars (if I recall correctly), and she also has a heart murmur. I found out later in life, the doctors told my mother some issues could have been a result of my fathers physical abuse during my mothers pregnancy. (He sat on her while she was pregnant, among other things...) Most of my life, I grew up terribly jealous of my sister, because she was always the center of attention. Most of my life my dad favored my sister greatly. I now realize it is probably because he feels guilty for the issues he has caused. But does that make it okay? Anyways, when I was about 10 years old I recall my dad saying he wanted to pick JUST ME up for a weekend up north with him! I was over the moon. My father rarely visited by this time in my life, and I secretly hated it. I was sad I had no "real" father, and felt like he just didn't care. I jumped out of our pool, packed my bags immediately and waited on the couch by the front door. Mind you, he lives 3 hours away. I didn't care how long I would be sitting on that couch, I was too excited! About five hours later..still on that couch..refused dinner, refused tv, just wanted to wait..My father called and stated he had to work and would not be coming. I was heart broken..YET AGAIN. I was traumatized. I waited all day for that man. And he acted so nonchalant about the whole situation! I think it was that point in my life when I really gave up on him. The older I got, the more stories I had heard of not just the past but the present. My father was well off. He owned his own successful business, drove new cars, was adding onto his house, ect. Yet he rarely payed child support, and lied about his finanaces in order to pay as little as possible. My father was a scammer. He was wanted by the GVT. for taxes he hadn't payed down state, and he lied about how much money he made. I started to hate this man more and more every single day. Who was he? Who was he to think his children were of a convenience to him? And why did he have the right to never buy school clothes, pay doctors bills, or even CHILD SUPPORT! It was not just my mother and her family who disliked him.. It was his family too. This man was as fake as babrie in my eyes. At some time around 12 I completely stopped wanting anything to do with him. I refused Christmas cards, and I defiantly refused his CONVENIENT visits, once every three months or when he found time. At some point around the age of 16 my father called me and tried to "discipline" me over the phone. Telling me I was to young for a boyfriend, and I had better not be having sex, and I had better be getting good grades. It was just the cherry on top. I was over him. Good riddens!

Recently, I find myself angry. I'm angry at this angry! My husband tried to do the right thing by asking this NON EXISTENT FATHER OF MINE, for my hand in marriage, he said he didn't really care. My half-sister has two children now. Both of which he acknowledges far more then he ever acknowledged me. My father and I have not been on speaking terms for a very long time. But I now have an (almost) six month old son of my own. My father never once picked up a phone, wrote a letter, sent a card! He never once acted like he had a grandchild in this world that he could possibly congratulate his youngest child on! I get it, we don't speak, we haven't spoken, we don't communicate. But in my heart, there are certain things that "father" do, no matter what! My son was 7 weeks premature, and spent 23 days in the NICU. He was well aware of all of this. Did he care enough to pick up the phone and say "Congrats! How is he?" I didn't expect a call. But I expected something. A card? A baloon? For god sakes, an email! I got nothing. Not a thing. Not a word. Like I didn't exist and this baby was never born. At what point does a father stop caring about the past, and start being a man, and start trying to fix the future? I have the urge to write my father. I would like to enclose a couple pictures of my son, and simply state that at some point it would have been nice if he acknowledged my son. I'm not asking for him to come around, or be in either of our lives..I just wanted a congratulations, a how are you..a how is he? I want to let him know that I have the most beautiful, full of life little boy in the whole wide world, and it's a shame he is missing out! Am I wrong for that? After all, he is darlingly close with my two sisters.

Any who, to end my rant on that...
My husband told me he sent me a box! I'm over the moon ecstatic!
I cannot wait to recieve it! I am a BIG sucker for surprises, and he keeps telling me I'm going to love it!
Boy, that man sure does know how to excite a girl. I'm soo super impatient though! Hurry up USPS, I wanna rip that box open! I watch for the mail lady every single day in anticipation of that box! Infact, a couple days ago, she came into the building with a box, and I rushed down the stairs and said is THAT for appartment 6?! She replied with "'s for apartment 2." I was bummed. I dragged my sorry self back up the stairs and closed my door rather hard, as if it was her fault or something! haha.

In conclusion, the last 2 weeks have been a rollar coaster, and I'm holding on for the ride!
Tomorrow is Sons of Anarchy, so I pretty much plot my day around that!
Keep reading...if not...
Well, I'll keep typing to cyber space, and fooling myself into thinking someones reading!

Heres hoping for a better week!
<3 AA

Friday, September 24, 2010

Bored enough to do this....

That's right! I'm bored enough to do another one of these exciting little things!
I'm not sure who I swooped this up from..but if it was you..
Thank you for curing me...(for just a few minutes) of pure boredness. (Yes, I'm aware that is no real word.)

1. What is your favorite no-frills meal?
Grilled Chicken! Throw it on the Georgy Forman (as I like to call it). Cook it up 8 minutes..and serve it with.. well just about anything...On a salad, with a soup, with a veggie, or all alone!

2. What is your favorite picture? Post it!
I have far to many favorites. However, I will pick just a couple..

3. Do you prefer flip flops, boots, sneakers or heels?
Flip flops please. I would wear them all year round if I didn't get such funny looks when I do! :p
I love flip flops. Their comfortable, and convenient. 

4. Where is your favorite place to vacation?
I've never really been on a real vacation! I would love to see the country. The whole country. My tops picks of places to go would have to be...
1. New York
2. California
3. Chicago
4. Florida
5.  NEW ORLEANS... Actually this is probably more twords the top of the list.

And if we're talking about out of the country...
1. Italy
2. Mexico
3. Ireland

5. Do you sleep on your back, side or stomach?
Well, usually my side. But sometimes my back..Most of the time, I'm all over the place!

6. Do you own any television series box sets.
I have the first two seasons of Sons of Anarchy...

7. Do you have any hidden talents?
Nope. No special hidden talents here.

8. Who is your best friend?
My husband of course, and Andrea (my "bff" from high school). Also my mom. Since I moved away, got married and had a baby, my mom and I have gotten so much closer. We do butt heads sometimes now that J and I are living in her two bedroom apartment with my brother and her, but we're still extremely close, and I think the distance did us wonders for our relationship!
I do have to say, that my "Bff" in Clarksville is Nadine. She's been a great friend, and we've stayed close through this deployment!
ANDDDD as if that wasn't enough BFFS
I love Fawn to death. She is now in Cali, however she used to be at Fort Campbell with us. She is a great person, and we still stay connected even though they are out of the army and so far away! When my husband returns from deployment, we look forward to a trip *with Jax in tow* to Cali to visit them! I miss them and baby frank (who isn't even a baby anymore, but the name stuck!) ohhhh soo much! <3

1. What is your favorite sport? What's your favorite team in that sport?
I love watching and attending hockey games with my husband! WOOHOO RED WINGS!

2. What's your favorite color to wear?
Black. Black. and Black.

3. What do you spend most of your free time doing?
Hi, my name is alyssa, and I'm a facebook addict. Especially since my husband is gone. I spend most of my free time on Facebook, or blogging, or reading! That is when I'm not busy shopping and spoiling my son!

4. If you could spend one hour with one person - past or present - who would it be and why?
Right about now, my husband. It seems like he has been gone soooooo long, when in reality it has only been four months!
If I can't pick him, then it'd be my uncle. He passed away unexpectidly, and I'd like to spend an hour with him, introducing him to my son. (whose middle name is David, after my uncle!)

5. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you "grew up?"

A nurse. I still would love to be. If school wasn't so expensive and took so long. And I could get over my fear of BLOOD!

6. What is one place that you've always wanted to visit but haven't been able to yet?
*See Above. I have given an extensive list! haha.

7. Name one movie you could watch over and over and over again and never get tired of.
The Ladies Man. HA- LARIOUS!

Well, I'm off now. My laptop battery is flashing, and it's going to die at any time.

Is there anyone out there?
IF SO... Check back later. 

<3 AA

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Terrible, Horrible, Rediculous!

As if my husband being in a war zone, and my son teething wasn't enough?
 Well...Where to begin?

I'll start with yesterday. My son has three Hemangiomas. One on his arm, one on his neck, and one on his scalp. The one on his neck, and the one on his scalp are rather un-noticeable. However, the one on his arm, is ever present. They are not harmful, nor do they affect his health. Thank goodness! So yesterday my son and I were off to the second dermatologist we were referred to, to find out about possible treatments. All was well, except they just referred us to another dermatologist, after telling me about ten different things that could be wrong, or come from these marks. Supposedly this next doctor is the only one in the state specializing in these marks. Who, of course, does not accept my insurance. However, I was told to pay out of pocket, because it was "well worth it", for him to be seen by this doctor. Okay.. so we leave there, go home, feed J, off to the post office, mail daddy a box. Now on to my doctors appointment. My appointment was at 3 pm . After arriving at 2:30, I am called into the office at 3:30. At 3:45, (still not seen by the doctor) a nurse comes in and asks if my car has TN plates. I say yes, she says, well in that case, an elderly man just smashed your car in the parking lot, leave your baby here, I'll watch him, go check it out. So I go down the 3 flights of steps to find a man atleast 75 years old. He says, "Oh little lady, my foot just slipped off the brake and onto the gas pedal." I look at my car, and just sob. My eyes fill with  tears, and all I can think about is how much my husband loves his car. So they say, finish your appointment and we will follow you to the police station to file a report. They come upstairs with me, give me all their information and respectively wait in the waiting room. I finish my appointment, and then follow these folks to the police station. The drive alone took forty five minutes due to traffic.. WONDERFUL.
I get a message on my phone from my husband. I let him know what happens, he's not upset. Thank goodness. I was so worried, he was going to be pissed off!
So then we get home, and my poor baby is just screaming. I mean hysterically screaming....Kicking his legs and all.  This continues on and off all night. My son has been teething for about a week now. He's been chewing on his hand and drooling like crazy! So I chalk it up to just teething discomfort.
This morning I call this "SPECIAL DOCTOR". I get his scheduling office. They take all of my information and say oh, you're in luck, his next available appointment isn't until the end of October, but someone JUST canceled, can you be there in an hour?  Okay, where it located? DETROIT! That will take me 45 minutes. So I rush, get the baby together, load up the car, set the GPS, and I'm off. We make it just in time.. Or so I think. Park the car in the parking garage. I was told the doctor is located on the 8th floor of Henry Ford Hospital. So Get Jax into his stroller and up the elevator to the 8th floor... Just to see a sign that says, "Dr. Shwayder's office has been moved to the 8th floor of the New City Center across the street." Ohhhh GREAT! So down the elevator, out the door, and across the busiest street in Detroit with a baby stroller, a screaming baby, a diaper bag, a folder with doctors papers, and a ringing phone. Are you kidding? Wasn't this enough stress? So we get there. We wait..and we wait.. Finally, they call us in. The nurse asks me ten questions then says she will be back with a baby gown for him to change into. Not even two seconds later Jaxson spits up all down the front of himself, and me. WONDERFUL. Forty-five minutes go by..I'm getting more and more impatient. I go to the desk, I ask the lady if they forgot about us...she says Oh no mam, actually the appointment was already booked, but not updated with his scheduling office, so he is double booked, he should be right in...Mmmhmm..GREAT! So another 20 minutes and finally a resident doctor comes in. Asks me the same ten questions, then says the Dr will be in shortly...As if I believed that at this point. Ten minutes later, FINALLY! A doctor, the resident, and two students. Just what I need. 5 adults and a baby in a room the size of my closet. The doctor goes over all the possible treatments, some basic information about the marks, and shows me on his computer the progress that has been made in recent studies about these marks. The pictures are overly convincing and give me hopes that these will be gone and done with before we know it!
He decides beta blocker medication (which has had amazing results, with little to no risk) will be the best option for little Jaxson. He tells me he would like me to come back once a month for the next year. Yeah okay, at the rate of 270$ a visit, OUT OF POCKET! I explain he doesn't accept my insurance, and I'm not sure we can afford such a thing. He tells me he will contact Jaxsons pedi, and see how he feels about following up with the treatment, and only coming back in six months to see him. That sounds much more reasonable to me. He then tells me pressure wraps will also help to reduce the puffiness of the mark on his arm. So he shows me how to wrap his arm, and tells me to keep him wrapped 24/7, and only undo these wraps for baths. Okay! So that's great news. His hemangioms are not growing on the inside, and their simply common birthmarks. I'm ecstatic. I finally get a sigh of relief. Pay my dues(which were outrageous!), and out the door we go..Cross the street. Get to my car.
Pull out into the lovely streets of Detroit. My mom calls me. I cant get to my phone and people are crossing the street left and right. Finally I get to my phone. Four missed calls. She calls again, I pick up.

She then tells me Similac, has recalled a whole bunch of formula, and to check Jaxsons when we get home.. OH GREAT. My baby is now screaming, he's hungry. I turn on my GPS, hit the home button and it tells me... "turn right, enter lodge on right" Oh okay. Onto the lodge I get, I look around, looks like im going out of the city. WTF? So I look at my gps. It tells me to continue 52 miles to the Ohio turnpike. LOVELY. My gps is set for TN as home, and not my moms house. So I change the address. "exit first exit on right." Oh okay, well if MI didn't have construction cones up for the next 15 miles, (WITH NO ONE WORKING...) then I could of. However, I had to drive 15 miles twords Ohio before being able to get off the expressway. gas warning comes on. Great. In Detroit. No gas. Pull over. Get gas. Back in my car. Back on the expressway. Get about 20 miles, (so basically where I started) Just to be in dead stopped traffic with a screaming, hungry baby.

Finally after an hour and ten minutes in traffic, we get home. I check my sons formula. YEP RECALLED. For what you may ask? BEETLE AND BEETLE LARVA CONTAMINATION! So for the last week, I have been feeding my poor son, formula with a side of beetle contamination. GREAT. I cry some more. Because what the hell else could go wrong? So I call his pediatricians after hours answering service, and they tell me Dr. V will call me back. Calls back immediately. ( I love his pedi, he's wonderful) I explain what has happened, and he reassures me everything will be fine, and I don't need to rush my son to the ER like I was prepared to do. He tells me I must however toss every single bottle, bowl, spoon, formula container, travel case. ANYTHING that came into contact with his formula had to be replaced, and that I should bring him into the office tomorrow. So with a screaming, hungry, baby with a tummy ache, I'm off to babies r us! Where swarms of mom are scowering the bottle isle, and the formula isle. Similac has pulled all of their powder, so you can only buy liquid concentrate (because their liquid was not affected), which we all know is twice as expensive as the powder. Oh well, I suck it up. Get Jax new bottles, formula, spoons, bowls and formula travel case. 120 some dollars later, we're out the door. And I'm positive every person in the store was glad to see me and my screaming son go. I get home, scrub a new bottle, and feed my poor boy. And a smile I have not seen in three days plants itself on his face. WHEW! I'm so relieved to see that! My poor baby is now swinging away and content as can be...Thank goodness. I can't even imagine what tomorrow has in store for me!
All in all, my sons marks are harmless, the specialist was wonderful...(and well worth it I have to admit), and we've got new "un-tainted" formula... So, here's hoping everyone out there has had a better two days then me, and that tomorrow is much less hectic and traumatizing...


Monday, September 20, 2010

Me and You

I stumbled upon this pretty little survey and decided to fill it out. This is all about My Lovie and I. <3

1. What are your middle names?
Noelle and Marcus

2. How long have you been together?
Seven years, Married for two in December.

3. How long did you know each other before you started dating?
A few months! We were best friends before we dated.

4. Who asked who out?
My husband asked me to "be his girlfriend" three times. And I said no way.
I was terrified. We were young, and I was not about to fall in love.
But eventually, I couldn't help but fall for him.
And here we are seven years, one wedding, one baby, later.
And I wouldn't change it for the world.

5. How old are each of you?
He is 22 and I will be 21 in December.

6. Did you go to the same school?
Same High School.

7. Are you from the same home town?
Sure are!

8. Who is the smartest?
We're both smart about different things.
He's smart about his job, and he's book smart.
I'm more in the moment, solve the problem kind of smart.

9. Who majored in what?
Neither of us went to college.
My husband is an awesome Soldier.
And I am majoring in mother and wife.
Eventually both of us would like to do the college thing.

10. Who is the most sensitive?
Me. By far. Without a doubt.

11. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
We traveled home from Georgia together, when he graduated AIT.
And we travel between TN and MI all the time.

12. Who has the worst temper?
We're both pretty hot headed.

13. How many children do you want?
I would love to have four babies, while my husband wants two.I always tell him we can compromise for three, and I'll hope for twins! ;) haha.

14. Who does the cooking?
I do a majority of the cooking. But my husband doesn't mind helping out sometimes.

15. Who is more social?
My husband. By far. He can make friends with anyone.
I'm more laid back and kept to myself.
But once you get to know me, I'm very outgoing.
I guess you could say, he makes friends easier then I do..
And I'm more comfortable around people I know.

16. Who is the neat freak?
We both have our days. My husband is the type to come home, take off his uniform and throw it on the floor, and he will let it lay untill...well.. untill I pick it up, or he needs to wear it.
But then he has days where he turns on the radio and cleans his mind out.
I don't mind a little messy..because it's messy in my own way.. I like my things where I know where they are. So while my closet may be a pile, I know exactly where the shirt I'm looking for -is... in that pile. If that makes any sense.

17. Who is the most stubborn?
We're both pretty stubborn, but I think my husband might take the cake on this one.

18. Who wakes up earlier?
During the week, MY HUSBAND for sure. But weekends.. oh man. He could sleep the day away.I would win this if he wasn't in the army, but his job calls for an early wake up.

19. Where was your first date?
Well we met at my moms house, through a mutual friend.
After that we kind of hung out all over.
I guess our first "REAL" date was homecoming!

20. Who has the bigger family?
I do.

21. Do you get flowers often?
I get them occasionally.

22. How do you spend the holidays?
We usually travel from TN to MI, to be with our families. I'm looking forward to making new family traditions next year, when he is home from deployment and our little family is all together. <3

23. Who is more jealous?
I am. No questions asked.
My husband is much more secure then I am.

24. How long did it take to get serious?
I was serious from the get go.
He came trotting along later on.

25. Who eats more?
My husband can eat and eat and gain no weight.

26. What do you do for a living?
He is a hero, and I'm superwoman.
He is an army infantryman, and I'm a stay at home mommy and wife.
My duties include, sending packages, changing diapers, paying bills, and staying sane for his return!

27. Who does the laundry?
I do. But he doesn't mind throwing a load in- need be.

28. Who's better with the computer?
My husband, for sure.

29. Who drives when you are together?
He does.
Especially for the road trips.

30. What is your song?
Every Step You Take. Has been since we met.