Monday, August 15, 2011

Problems and Prayers

The last fourteen months of my life have been hectic, complicating, challenging, and overall tiring. From deployment, to raising a baby alone, to separation, reconciliation, and trying to find myself...I just seem to be more lost now then ever.

I keep searching for answers to question I don't even know if I'm ready to ask. I keep hoping things will magically fix themselves and I'll wake up from this horrid nightmare I feel I am existing in.
I want to be so many things in life...and I want to be them all...PERFECTLY.
I struggle with repairing this marriage, because trust is lost and communication has always been lacking. There is nothing more in this world, that I want...then to find 'us' again, and move past all of the things that have happened. But sometimes I simply feel depleted. I feel like no matter how much I give, will I ever be enough? This will take time, and I keep expecting miracles over night. I want to find my passion. I want to find my way. I want to make something amazing out of myself. I want to be the best mother I can possibly be. I want to be everything, perfectly.

And sometimes...I wish I could just stop. Stop thinking, stop over-thinking, stop trying to be everyone's savior, and everyone's right hand woman. Most of all I want to be able to turn to someone and tell them exactly how crazy I'm driving myself, by trying to be everyone, including myself. I have these outrageous expectations for myself, and when I can't live up to them, I feel like such a failure. Sometimes I just want to scream and let it all out. Sometimes I want a break from all the mess and clutter in my mind, and just have a day of peace. I just want peace.

Tonight I feel so cluttered and messy in my mind, and all I could think was about my want for simple peace. My need for diarrhea of the brain, so that I can just be free. So I decided that all I can do is pray. All I can do is put my hopes and dreams and faith and trust into the one man who has never left, Amen.....Literally. 

So tonight, like many nights, I have prayed. I've prayed most nights for the last two years...but tonight it was different. I put my everything into that prayer...I poured all of the weight on my shoulders out and I hoped to feel relief.
I don't. I mean..I feel a little better...but I think it's going to take some time for me to feel relief from prayer.

I think the most important things in life are not things at all... 
Life is not about what we do...where we live...what we have...or who we know.
Life is about our relationships.
It's about the people we love...
the people who mean the most to us...
the people who keep us going...

And so today, I hope for all of you, to truly appreciate the relationships in your life.
Put all of your problems up to God,
and take the time to truly appreciate and love the relationships that surround you.
Everything in life is replaceable, except for people.

I guess I will leave you with this for now...
Pray tonight. Pray for whatever you need to. Pray for peace. Most of all pray for the relationships you are lucky enough to embrace.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Short and Sweet.

Big bear is back at Fort Campbell. Baby bear is healed from surgery. And my heart is in both places. I wish so purely that our family was already back together under one roof, putting a new foot forward, but I know it is not our time yet.

It is hard to be six hundred miles away from your husband, and be trying so hard after a year long deployment and six months on and off of separation. Honestly, I began to feel it was impossible... but something inside of me says this is very possible. There is so much love inside of me for this little family, and for that man, that I know anything is possible. And so everyday I wake up, put on the most positive attitude I can muster up, and I give my all to connecting the dots and connecting to my husband. Most days I recall a little reason in which I first fell in love with him, and for me that helps.

I am anxiously awaiting his return from recruiter school, so we know where he will be stationed. I hope it's somewhere new and exciting. Most of all I just want my family back together.

I have to say thank you to the amazing readers who have stuck with me from the beginning of this journey... But most of all I have to say I LOVE YOU to the friends I have had, who day in and day out have stuck out every bit of this. I have some amazing friends, who have heard me cry, seen me laugh, and helped me in ways they will never know, as they have always and still continue to support me, my family and my (hopefully) healing marriage. You guys are amazing, and you know who you are... It is you guys who have made me strong enough to survive this deployment, separation, and reconciliation. Without the love and faith and prayers of you guys, I would be off a bridge somewhere! I LOVE YOU ALL!


Friday, August 5, 2011


It's been so long since I have updated. Truth is, I've thought about updating for some time now... but life has been so crazy and such an adventure that I don't even know where to start. Now it's time to CATCH UP.

I guess I'll start abruptly with some dull updates about what's been happening.

Baby bear had surgery. He had to be circumsized at six months due to being premature. Long story short, shortly after that surgery, they discover one of his testicles was no longer descended. So about a week ago they went into correct that, and also discovered a small hernia. Now baby boys testicles are healthy and...down. The first couple days of recovery were touch and go, but he is back to being an active bouncing bear.

My husband came to Michigan from Fort Campbell for the surgery. We'd been discussing having a sit down for a couple weeks prior to this. We had a sit down...or five. We let it all out. Put everything on the table. We cried, we yelled, we argued, we hurt, we got answers, we discovered new questions, and we decided to start the uphill battle to fixing our family. 
Deep down, we both have an abundance of love for each other. We're major parts of each others lives, and have been together since we were kids. In all these years together, we have grown, changed, evolved, but most of all messed up. We both have had our insecurities, we both have had our share of "boo-boos" and we both have had our share of MAJOR FUCK UPS. After all this time, we have broken up, made up, and as I've said quite blatantly, fucked up.

However, after eight years of being together, I think these last few months I have learned some of the most valuable lessons of my life. I can't keep depending on people to make me who I am. At some point I have to stand on my own two feet and allow people to accept me for who I am. I think I have always looked for the approval of the people I love most, hoping they won't leave. This separation from my husband has shown me, that even the people you least expect, can walk out. And you have to be prepared to survive in your own skin. I have learned that it is important to see the bigger picture, and to always view things from both sides. It's important to let a little sand slip through the cracks, and not always take life so seriously. Sometimes I have been so consumed with the fear of loosing people, that I force myself to be lost.

At the end of the day, I am happy to say, everything is out on the table, and my husband and I are taking things a day at a time. I have never loved someone more then I love that man, and having my family be whole again is something I have prayed for more times then I can count. People make mistakes, people hurt each other, people use poor judgment....but at the end of it all, things have a way of working themselves out...or so I hope.

This is an uphill battle, and I know it won't be easy. But the reality is, I would love to wake up next to him every single day, and watch our children grown old together. My husband leaves for recruiting school next month. We have a list of places we'd love to go. Mostly I'd like to be out of Michigan, exploring somewhere new with my husband and son. After all, it is the army...we do have the chance to live somewhere new and adventurous...why not take it? Hopefully by November or December we will all be together again. I miss falling asleep next to him. I miss so many little things about him, that I have for quite some time, taken for granted. 

In other news, I want so badly to go back to school. I want to make something amazing out of myself, and I'd love to be working. I admire being a full time mom, and wouldn't trade this time with my son for the world, but the fact of the matter is, it's not a paying job, and sometimes I need a break too. And by break, I mean, time out of the house. However, financial aid has once again screwed me over, and they doubt I will be getting "confirmed amounts" but the time payments are due, so that too is on hold.

Sometimes I feel like my life is constantly on hold. I'd love to be with my husband, RIGHT NOW...but it's just not logical. Why move to move again? I wish I could reasonably answer this with: to have my family together.... but I know we can't afford to keep moving...and he is staying with friends until he goes to school anyways.
So being a family is on hold.
Going to school is on hold.
I hate being on hold.

I miss my friends in Tennessee...and Wisconsin...and California...And wherever else they may be. I miss them terribly. Some of the best friends I have ever had came from my time at Fort Campbell with my husband. I miss Friday night poker at our best of best friends house...and outings with the SKIS. 

I hope to see old friends in good time, being close to my husband again, and get my life back on track and moving in a positive direction. I also hope to keep updating this, and hopefully watch things fall back into place.

In the mean time, I have plenty of reading to catch up on and I hope you are all doing well.

Long Lost,