Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Bad News, Followed by Bad News, Followed by...You guess it!

I haven't updated in quite some time, and with good reason.
I've had my son at the doctors three times, and last night, I'd had enough and took him to the emergency room.
For the past month, my son has been up all night, SCREAMING like he's being murdered. He gets real bad gas and cries and cries and cries. The doctor has had me change his formula three times, and change bottles twice. I've tried a sleep wedge, I've tried Mylacon drops, and gripe water, to no avail.
Finally last night, to the emergency room we went. They determined he has reflux, which is causing colic. They sent us home with a prescription, and we're praying this does some work!
Exhausted does not begin to explain how tired I am, as I'm averaging three hours, NOT CONSTANT, sleep a night, for the last three weeks. My child is uncomfortable, and I'm at whits end.
The doctor told me all about how her daughter had this, and when her husband finally got home at night she would say..."YOU HAVE TO TAKE HER I CANT DO THIS". She said she cried and cried everyday.
And then I cried. I needed that cry. I cried for everything. For my sons pain, for my exhaustion, for frustration, for anger, for sadness, for my husband not being here, for the hell of it, I just cried. And she told me it was okay. She told me it was more then normal, and to get the hell out of the room sometimes and just take a break. I needed to hear that. I needed to know it was okay to NEED a break from your child when all he does is cry, and I needed to hear it was okay to CRY! I think I was so afraid of crying, and wanting a break, meaning I was failing, so I held it in. And now I feel a little better...if only for a day.
I'm praying this medicine works, however they say it will take five to seven days before we will know if it's working or not. Please let this give us, ATLEAST a little relief.

Untill I have something interesting to say...
I hope everyone is having better days..

<3 AA

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It's Been Crazy

I know I have been MIA lately. Things have been just a little crazy around here!
My baby boy would not sleep what so ever for about 4 days. He just screamed every time I laid him down. So I took him into the pediatricians office, and come to find out he has an ear infection! POOR BUBBA! That was Friday. So they started him on Amoxicilian, and he felt better immediately! Without surprise, Sunday morning I woke up sick as a dog. Monday I took MYSELF to the doctors, and got a ZPACK. Today is the first day I am feeling better, and boy am I grateful for that.
My poor J had to have surgery today. Ya see, when he was born, he was only four pounds, eight ounces. He was seven weeks premature, and spent twenty three days in the NICU. The hospital he was born in does not perform circumcisions on preemies! They tell you to speak with their pediatrician upon discharge. My son's pedi. in turn, referred us to a urologist. The Urologist would not circumcise him, until he had put on some weight, as he was already almost two months old. When a baby is this old, the circumcision is performed in the operating room, under general anesthesia. We had to weight until J was six months old. SO TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY! He could only have clear liquids after midnight, and nothing after 3 am. So at 2 am when he woke up, Jax got apple juice and water in his bubba. The apple juice gave him a gassy belly, in turn making him miserable. I went to bed at 1:30, which was terribly stupid of me. Little did I know our day would begin at 2 am. Jax screamed his head off. By the time we got to the hospital at 7:30 am, he was starving, and miserable. Overall, surgery went great. We are now home, and relaxing. Hopefully recovery is not to bad.
I'm hoping and praying this is the end of our terrible streak.
In the last three months, I have had emergency surgery to have my gall bladder removed, had to take my son to Detroit to see a specialist, my car got hit while parked in a parking lot, my sons formula was recalled- ultimately making him sick, he then could not adjust to new formula (either he was constipated or refused to eat), then the ear infection, then I was sick, and now surgery. I'm hoping we have had our fair share, and are now on the road to brighter days!

In happier news, I got to hear my husbands voice today, which made my week, or possibly my month. I miss that man, more then words can describe. I'm working on a fantastic Christmas surprise for him, and cannot wait to have him receive it!

Other then that, my days have consisted of an unhappy child, and a tired me! I'll update more when the days become more enjoyable! Hope everyone is having a better month then I!

<3 AA

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Sunday Lovin'

Happy Sunday folks! Chalk this up to another week down in this deployment...... Thank goodness!
The weekend has been ever so uneventful, and I'm so fine with that! We spent most of our time lounging around and doing nothing. However, we have had a couple mishaps.

Baby bear woke up Friday to the Butt Rash From Hell! Ultimately making him, the child from....well you get the picture! My husband contacted me, letting me know he is terribly sick, and vomiting. Ultimately making me a worry wart! My son has reformed back to his days of newborn-ism, in the fact that he feels it necessary to wake up every two hours in the middle of the night. Overall, I have had minimal amounts of sleep. And when I say minimal I'm referring to four hours MAX, combined sleep a night! It seems this hectic weekend has formed some sort of daunting schedule. Jaxson finally gives in and sleep at around midnight, my husband messages me around 2 am, and my son wakes up at 3.I would not change speaking with my husband at ANY time of the day, regardless of my lack of sleep. I would however, change my son waking up all night long, and not wanting to go back to bed, but as my husband says..."It is what it is", and for now, I'm handling it.

Tomorrow my son has his 6 month check up, and I have a confession. I'm praying this butt rash magically disappears! I know diaper rashes are a normal occurrence, however, I'm ONE OF THOSE MOMS. You know the kind... The mom who thinks, oh my goodness, I look like a terrible mom.This doctor is going to think I let my child sit in dirty diapers all day long. He's going to think I'm a terrible, irresponsible woman. I know this is so irrational, but I watch too much television. Mostly, too much Nancy Grace! All you ever hear about is woman who strap their kids in the car seat and drive their car into a lake, or woman who duct tape their kids to the walls and take pictures, and post them on facebook. (Yes, I have seen both of these stories on Nancy, just this week!) It's terrible. What kind of world are we living in? There are millions of woman in the world, doing everything they can to have a child. Woman who will adopt, or go through years of extensive medical treatment, just to mother, and yet we have woman abusing and murdering their innocent kids! GET A GRIP! These yucky, excuses for human beings, do not deserve to even be called mothers. Mothers nurture, care, love, and devote their lives to their children. THEY DO NOT murder, assault, or beat their innocent babies. Okay okay...End rant!

In brighter news, the weather is beautiful, the leaves are changing colors, and the sky is bright! What a perfect Sunday, to do absolutely nothing except enjoy my son, and the weather! My brother-in-law came over today, and fixed my computer and hooked up my printer, so tonight's task? Print and organize all of my recipes and get them into my recipe binders! You don't even know my excitement over this! I'm one of those people, who like everything to be organized, alphabetized, and categorized! I get excited over storage bins, and plastic containers. I would label every drawer, cabinet and bin if I wouldn't look like a total psycho!

So I'm off for now, to begin my new task! I hope everyone is having a peaceful, relaxing Sunday. Don't blink, it will be Monday before we know it!

<3 AA

Ps. I have reread some older posts, and realized I have quite a few grammar and typing errors. Excuse those. I usually blog on my balcony, (weather permitting) and either my laptop is about to die, or my child begins to scream, and I don't find the chance to go back and proof read! I always say I'll fix it later..but I never seem to see later on the clock! <3

Thursday, October 7, 2010

He laughes. I Cry.

Yesterday, I spent the entire day singing, "Happy Half Birthday To You" to my son. He spent the day laughing at me. It was rather enjoyable, and light-hearted. So there you have it, my baby boy is officially one half of a year old! I can hardly believe how the time has flown! In real time, my baby is only supposed to be four months old, but in our time, *since he came 7 weeks early* he is a whole six months!

These past six months have been full of trial and tribulation, triumph and failure. But mostly, they have been full of the best memories I could ever imagine. Of course, my husband being here, would have made them better, but we deal with what we are delt. I have watched Baby J grow from a tiny 4 pound peanut in the nicu, into what I like to call my baby bear! He has filled my grueling months of longing and sadness (due to deployment) with joy and fun. His smile lights up my day, and his laugh lightens my load.
Of course, there are times when I'm exhausted, and strained. Times when I want nothing more then a drink, and a night out. Nights, when I want nothing more then sleep, and days when I want nothing more then silence, however, I would not trade those late nights rocking him to sleep, or those long days of whining, for the world. The past six months have taught me to cherish every moment. (Hence those words being tattooed to my foot!) I know, in no time at all, he will be too big to rock, to old to want mommy, and to grown to need me. But for the time being, I'm latching onto ever second of him being little.

As you can see, yesterday was bitter sweet for me. I celebrated the six months I have had. I celebrated his growth, his progress, and his achievements. I mourned the days when my husband was here to help, the days my husband held him, and hell...the days my husband was here to hold me. But today, I'm looking forward. Forward to my baby turning into a little boy, forward to the memories that are yet to come, and forward to the days my husband will be here to enjoy this journey we have created.

Emotional old me, got to thinking last night. What if? What if my husband doesn't make it back? What if we loose our hero? What if he never gets to celebrate this journey with us? I cried. I needed a good cry. It's been quite some time. I have held myself together, refused tears, refused the what ifs? I need it. It was like a release of so many things. So in the dark, alone, I cried. And after words, I pulled myself together. I picked up our baby boy, and I laughed. Do I sound crazy yet? I laughed, because he was laughing. I laughed because he put his hand on my face as if to embrace me. I laughed for my husband. I laughed. I found confidence, I found pride, and I found hope. My husband IS coming home to us. He IS going to enjoy this journey. He IS going to be here until we are old and gray! Why? Because I said so. Because I have faith in him. Because I have faith in God. Because I know he is supposed to be here. Because I know our story does not end just yet. I know that we have more things to endure, more memories to make, more time. I'm holding my head high today. I'm keeping that faith in my back pocket. I refuse to acknowledge the what if's.

There are times in life when we learn very valuable lessons. Today I learned. Maybe, I have always know, but today it made itself ever so clear. Maybe I can thank this deployment. Maybe I can thank my emotions, maybe I can thank no body but my self, however, today's lesson was worth learning....

My husband and I have been together for seven years. Seven. We're in our early twenties. Not many people under the age of 23, can say they have been with their soul mate for seven years. I'm grateful for this. I think sometimes in our day to day lives, we forget to be thankful. Today I am thankful. Thankful for the life my husband has provided us. Thankful for love. Thankful for family. Thankful for being thankful. Sometimes we need to stop the hecticness, and just be grateful.
While passing a church sign, I noticed a quote the other night. It truly spoke to me...
"You are not rich in life, until you have the things, money cannot buy."
I'm rich! I'm stinkin' RICH! I never thought I would say it..but I AM!

I have an amazing husband, who puts his life on the line. Not for a paycheck, not for health care, not because he couln't find a job. My husband chose the army, long before he graduated high school. He longed for it. It was all he ever wanted. I'm thankful for the person my husband is, the job he does, and the way he makes me feel.
I have a full of life, happy -go- lucky little boy. He is healthy, he is growing, and he is amazing.
I have a wonderful family. A mother who would stop at nothing to make her children happy.
I have love. I have faith. I have hope. I have things others only dream of.
I am rich.

So today, I leave you with this....
No matter what is going on, how crazy your day becomes, or how stressed out you may be. Be thankful. Be thankful for the things that money cannot buy, and the people you could never replace. All of your troubles will be there when you wake up...I promise, they are going nowhere. Today, laugh. Hold your children. Call your mother. Celebrate the things we have been given, and the times we have had. Embrace the memories that are yet to come, forget about the bills. Don't let anything bring you down. Because, I bet, you too are rich!

AA <3

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Partys Over

So my pity party has ended. Actually it ended the afternoon it began, but that's beside the point. I have gotten to talk to my husband a couple times via Yahoo Messenger, and this morning I even got to hear his voice!

Yesterday, Hubby and I had a most enjoyable conversation about the future. In previous convos, he had seemed a little down...and there's nothing I hate more then that! But yesterday I found hope and aspiration in his words. He spoke of wanting to go to Ranger School, and getting a sleeve tattooed. *So hot, if you ask me!*                                   
Most my life, I have settled. Settled for C's. Settled for simple dinner fixes. Settled for content instead of happy. I'm tired of settling. Before my husband left, I had SETTLED on going to hair school when he returned. Do I love hair? Yes. Do I want to do it for the rest of my life? No. But it would be quick, and it would bring home a paycheck. I do like quick. I could settle on easy. But why settle? Why not do something I've dreamed of doing? Why not work hard, and be something I can be proud of?
I'm over settling. I'm done choosing easy. And I'm done thinking I won't be good enough. So there you have it, in January, I plan to take pre req's online, and when my husband returns from this deployment, I will push myself. I will go to school. I will make it. I will do something enjoyable with my life.

In other news, my husbands computer was acting up and so he mailed it home to his brother to be fixed. Thank you USPS, for completly terrorizing the box. My husbands computer screen is now trashed. My smart husband did purchase $1,500 worth of insurance on the thing, so hopefully tomorrow when I bring it to the post office to make an insurance claim, they do something about it.

Today I dug out my external so all of his pictures and videos from deployment can be put on there, and I am rather excited about seeing these pictures and videos. Any glimpse I can get of where he is, or more importantly, HIM, is like a million dollars at this point. I cannot describe how much I miss that man...there just aren't words for that. So needless to say, I'm over the moon excited his computer took a shit, and these pictures and videos will now be available for my enjoyment. I am NOT however over the moon that the post office trashed the computer on the way here and it is now nonfunctional completely.

Other then that, not much is new on the home front. My baby boy will be six months old tomorrow, and I can hardly believe it. It's his half birthday..six months since that day? Six months worth of growing and learning as a first time mom. I get sad just thinking about how I will never have those first six months back. They have been the most enjoyable, and rewarding six months of my life, and I honestly feel like nothing I do will ever be as important as this. My son is my whole world. Between him and my husband, I have everything I could ever dream of. They are my happy place. So baby boy, happy half birthday tomorrow. You are forever my baby.
I cannot wait to experience the next 6 months, and all the years to follow.

I'll leave you all with that. And promise to update again soon. If not for your reading enjoyment, then to keep my sanity! Hope everyone has a good week, and don't forget to tune into Sons of Anarchy tonight! It's sure to be amazing! <3

--Double A <3