Thursday, September 22, 2011

And the rambling continues

I am mentally exhuasted. My life seems to be on a never ending roller coaster and I just want it to stop at the top so I can jump off feet first. My hopes would be to land in something a m a z i n g, but I'd probably land in a pile of dog shit instead.

I'm so in need of a get away. I just want to run from here. I want to leave all this mess behind and run away, if just for a little while. I need a brain break. I need time to breathe and time to think about something other then all the ways in which my life is overpowering my will to succeed. 

It disgusts me how people just don't care about the way in which they hurt others. It disgusts me that I am stuck in the middle of such a mess. I wish I could change things. I wish I could take this disaster and turn it into something amazing... Maybe I will...Maybe I will find the courage to try.

I need to decompress. 

It looks like a margarita night, if you ask me.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

In with the new.

Peace Love & Problems. A new title! And I think this shall remain for a very long time. It pretty much sums up everything I write about most often. Finding peace with my past, Love of all sorts, and the inevitable problems. Changed up all my fonts and colors, made my banner, and fiddled with other little changes.

Hope you all enjoy the new look!

I need sleep.

I shall regret being up this late when my alarm goes off in eeeeeeek....four and a half hours.


Honor, Pride, and Confusion

"We all honor heroes for different reasons -
Sometimes for their daring, Sometimes for their bravery,
Sometimes for their goodness. But, mostly, we honor heroes because,
At one point or another, We all dream of being rescued.
Of course, if the right hero doesn't come along,
Sometimes we just have to rescue ourselves."

I came across this quote today. It made me think about so many things.
Mostly I am wondering what we are supposed to do, 
when our hero is the one who needs to be rescued. 
Who can save someone so brave, and full of pride?
Who can touch the mind of someone who has been through so much?
Who can rescue a hero?


Thursday, September 15, 2011

I want to hibernate like a bear. I feel defeated.
I'm tired of being the only one fighting this battle.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm on the line waiting for you to reel me in, or toss me back.
I want to run....I want to run away from this all... to somewhere new, where no
one knows me. I feel like nothing good ever comes my way.
And no matter how much good I do for others, I get shit in return.
Constant shit.

I'm just fed up with everyone and everything.
And I want to run and hide and never be seen.

That is all.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Vent, Rant, TRUTH

I'm so frustrated. I mean... really....really frustrated.
I'm tired of feeling like the only one clinging to this family.
I know I deserve better. I know my son deserves better.
Somehow I don't want better...

I want you to come to terms with the fact that you had an affair.
I want you to admitt it, Plain and bold instead of beating around the bush.
I need you to say it.
I need you to feel bad....I need you to feel SOMETHING....anything....
I need to know you still feel.....
I atleast need you to feel sympathy....some sort of sympathy.
I need your family who tells me they love me, to realize they hid this from me too.
I need them to know I didn't deserve this.
I need them to stop putting you on a pedestal like you could never do wrong.
You did wrong.
I need them to stop pretending this isn't your fault.
It's your fault.
Most of all I need the world to stop putting their input into this marriage....
I don't need your approval...any of you.
I don't need your opinions. 
I don't need you to tell me I'm better then this and can do so much better.
I need you all to sit by and watch me fail, or watch me succeed, and stand by my choices regardless.
Because I have to be able to sleep with myself at night, and I have to know I did what I felt was best, not just for me...but for my son...for you....for this family....
I need to be able to sleep....I really really need sleep.
And I need to be able to look in the mirror and know I didn't give up when I wasn't sure I should have.

I feel like if I was the one who would have cheated during the deployment, the whole world would damn me to hell.I would be that horrible whore wife who couldn't keep her legs closed during a deployment. But I did. I did.. I did everything I could to make this deployment the best it could be for you. And betrayed betrayed our disrespected our family. You hurt me.. but most of all you stole the sacradness of a family from our son. And for that I am mad. That's right I'm mad. Instead of being villified...or damned to are held to be an amazing man... someone who "has too much on his plate"....someone who is "going through a lot"...someone who is tired and overworked and stressed out.

You think I'm not tired? You think I don't have a lot on my think I'm not completely defeated by a year long deployment, raising a newborn alone, waiting for my husband to come home, just to find out about HER!? You think I feel good? You think my plate is empty? IM TIRED. IM TIRED AND IM STRESSED AND I FEEL DEFEATED. I feel dead inside. I feel like I dont even have the right to hurt anymore. I feel like I'm not supposed to be mad or sad or angry or hurt, because you don't give a shit about ANYTHING... and if I give up, who does our son have? Who does he have to root for this family and pray to god you pull your head out of your ass and realize what you are throwing away by being "tired...and stressed...and not giving a fuck about anything."
I have to care, because If I don't....noone will.. and if noone does...then he has noone. And he doesn't deserve this. He didn't do this...he didn't ask for this. And the one person who DID do this...just doesn't care. I'm so tired of feeling guilty that you lost friends, that you fought this war, that you went through so much...and that your not the same anymore. Everyday I wake up feeling like I need to be the one to save you...I need to be the one to bring you back to life and make you feel again. I'm tired of feeling like I need to be your hero, but the truth is...more then anything...more then anyone, I WANT TO SAVE YOU. Because I believe the fight your fighting with your own mind, is real, and valid and tragic. You may not want to admit it, your family may not want to admit it, the army WONT admit it, everyone can ignore it. But I know it's real, I know it's there, and I know you know it's there.

YOU FOUGHT A WAR....SO DID I! Everyday I'm at war with my own mind...trying to decide what is best. Do I leave the man who betrayed me and had an affair in the dust, say fuck this family and move on? Or Do I continue to fight this war, and hope that you realize you need to start caring because someone loves you more then anyone else ever will...and someone wants you to be you again. Someone wants you to be the husband and father you would of been before you left for Afghanistan? If anyone feels pride and sorrow for the men who go off to war and loose friends, loose limbs, loose time with their family, trust me--I DO! I feel for them. I think of them on a daily basis. But very few people ever think of the families they leave behind...and the wars we will be fighting when these men return. The war doesn't end when they come home. I'm still fighting it.


Monday, September 12, 2011

"Do you feel safe"

Not too long ago my husband was home visiting. He was holding me in bed. He softly spoke into my ear, and asked me "Do you feel safe?" For just that moment...I felt safe. I felt like everything in the world would find it's place and we would once again know the happiness of our love.

Sometimes I feel so completely lost in the world.
I feel as though I could simply be left behind.
Most of all I find myself questioning the world... motives, goals, peoples perspective, but most of all peoples integrity. 

I am constantly trying to be a superhero; saving people from themselves...saving myself....from myself. I wish I could turn back the hands on the clock, and return to a time when I innocently had no idea the mistakes I was making... the mistakes we were both naively making....the fights that never should of occurred and the issues that only existed in our minds.

I find myself valuing the concept of family, more then I ever anticipated I would. My parents divorced when I was quite young. My family has never been extremely close. I find myself longing for oh so much better for my son. I find myself loosing my cool when that concept seems to be dust in the wind to other people. I want nothing more then to give my son EVERYTHING in the world. Most of all a happy, whole family.

I wish that I could shake you...and show you what this is all about. I wish I could snap you out of this fog. I'm tired of hearing the words "he talked about how amazing you were and how much he loved you, the entire deployment." Where did that disperse? I find myself questioning oh so many things, and wondering how I can get that back. I want to see you happy. But more then anything I want to be the one making you happy. I want to save you. I want to save us. I want to save this. Most of all I want to feel like you are not a stranger...that my husband didn't disappear in Afghanistan never to be seen again.  Where are you? Can you hear me? Are you out there? Someone send a search husband... my best friend..he is missing...gone... we need him. Someone tell him we need him. Someone tell him we miss him.

It pains me to hear someone I love so much say to me that they have no motivation for anything in life. A man who I always admired so much for his passion and his fierce seems to have none of that. I want to see you find yourself again. I want to see you smile like you did long before this deployment. I want to see your heart again...and I long to hear your old laugh. I want to know that you are not gone. There once was a man who smiled in the face of adversity and always had the passion to get not only himself, but the people around him...through anything. Where is that man? He seems to no longer exist. I hope he knows this is temporary. I hope he knows I remember him, and I know he will someday come back. That is the man I want my son to know... The man who was faithful to his family, and had such an amazing outlook on life... that's the hero I want my son to know... that's the man we miss...the man we idolize and the man we love.

I don't want to leave you behind. You would enjoy that. Feeling like everyone has given up, and you can now go on with your life...hating the world...and never again being yourself. I won't give up. If not for myself, if not for you....for our baby boy. He deserves to know the amazing man you once were...and once again can be.

In a marriage where things are constantly "being fixed" and then being given up on... I find myself hoping stability comes along. I find myself hoping for so many things. Most of all I find myself feeling comletely lost, because everything I knew seems to be such a distant memory.

I so badly want to feel safe again.