Thursday, December 30, 2010

No words left.

It has been some time since I have blogged. In previous posts, I complained. I complained about how ANYTHING that COULD go wrong during a deployment, WOULD go wrong. I complained about my surgery, my doctor mishaps, my sons formula recall, my car being hit....about everything. I took for granted the people who REALLY had something to complain about. Those people who everyday were dealing with the loss of a soldier.

My husbands unit endured terrifying losses last month. Not just his unit..not just his battalion..or even his company.....HIS PLATOON. His guys. His friends. His buddies. The people he not only worked with, but played with. The men he laughed with, and the men he bitched with. Men he helped train, men he fought a long side. Close friends. A friend whose family we are close with. A friend who's wife I know and love.

Rest In Peace to these heros.
But not just rest in peace, THANK YOU. Because of you my husband continues to fight. Because of you he is still breathing, and MY family can still continue to HOPE he will return home. Because of you he still gets to call home, and beacuse of you we still have a chance. I feel personally forever indebted to these men. Because of them, the others...they are standing strong and continuing to fight...because of them families are still praying and hoping for a return. It will never be will never have an explanation. But I thank you. I cannot say it enough. Every single day--I thank you.

Rest In Peace And Thank You-- November 14th, 2010
SPC. Scott Nagorski
SPC. Nathan Lillard
SPC. Jesse Snow

You are brave, outstanding, heros.

I haven't had much to say since then. I attended the beautiful and tragic funeral of Spc. Nagorski, as his wife and I have become very close. I consider her family. We worked through this deployment together. When she called me and spoke the words to me...that Scott was heart stopped. I was in disbelief. I was mortified. ME?! How fucking dare I? she is telling me her husband is dead, and MY heart stops? I should have been stronger.. I should have found better words to say. Still to this day, my words can never measure up to what I really feel for her. I cannot express the amount of concern and love and hope I hold for her and her one year old beautiful daughter. I can never find the words to tell her just how much I think about her, or how often I want to just drive to her and hug her.
There was nothing like that funeral. There never will be. It changed me. Made me realize a lot of things about life.. about not just military life, but everyday life. It made the challenges and the risks even more real. It made my heart heavy, and my mind constantly run. My concern for her family, and the families of the others..It will never end. I can only pray I never have to feel that kind of pain and hurt, but somehow, this tragedy has made my mind never stop. I feel pathetic, but there are days when I worry myself sick. I worry that every knock, every phone call...either could be news of another friends husband, or news about my own. And it has eaten me alive. Anytime a spouse calls, my heart jumps before I answer it. A knock at the door...I hesitate and stumble. There was a knock yesterday. My mom told me who it was without even looking. I said I didn't care...I sure as hell wasn't answering it! What if she was wrong? What if it wasn't someone we were expecting. It hurts. It's's terrifying.. I feel guilty for worrying and guilty for having no answers. Such an amazing woman is already feeling the aftermath of that knock, and here I sit constantly worrying about getting it. I need to feel my husband. Just touch him. Hold him, if only for a moment. I need to hear his voice, I need to see his face, I need to physically see that he is okay.These poor families will never have that. I feel guilty for wanting it. But I cannot yet separate my hope and prayers for my husbands safety for the guilt I feel for those families.

I don't have much more to say right now. I think I'm still trying to regain myself. I feel as though I have lost myself in this world of worry and wonder. I feel like the pain and sadness has overtaken me and until I have found a little peace, I'm just not myself yet. I cannot imagine how these families are feeling, or carrying on everyday, but I will never stop thinking of them, and praying for them, and holding their soldiers in my hearts, for all of the brave sacrifices they have made. These families are compiled of amazing, strong, proud people, and I wish I could take away just a little of their pain.

Until Next Time,

<3 AA