Monday, January 24, 2011

In a Perfectly-Imperfect World

In the perfect world, I would be Carrie Bradshaw.
I would write and the whole world would listen.
My words would be publicized in amazing magazines.
I would be completely secure with myself, and my life.
I would own lavish dresses, made by fancy people.
I'd wear expensive shoes with red bottoms.
And those shoes would walk the streets of New York City....
With the best friends a girl could ever ask for.
My Mac book would accompany me in bed, on nights when I cannot sleep.
And I would end each day with words of wisdom,
Summarizing the facts of life.

It all sounds so wonderful.
However John James Preston "Big", would have married me years ago.
I'd fill my luxury New York City apartment with babies.
I'd trade in my Manolo Blahnik's for practical shoes,
and I'd only wear Louis to fancy expensive date nights with my husband.

Hell, in all reality, I don't think I would trade places with Carrie Bradshaw.
I'd choose to have met my husband seven years ago, and to have married at 18.
I'd choose our pick-up-and-go army life.
I'd be more then satisfied with babies, and blue jeans.

I guess where I'm going with this is...
Things are not always greener on the other side.
It's so easy these days to look at someone else and admire what they have.
I wished the world still lived with the values of the fifties.
People did not have much...
But they valued what they had...their families, and their homes.
We live in a world full of glamor and substance.
And people forget to enjoy the things that are not actually things.

I love you Carrie Bradshaw. I really do.
I admire your presence, and your confidence.
I dream of your job with Vogue.
And laying in bed on a Mac Book, writing things people love to read.
I admire the way you carry yourself, and the friends you have.
But I would not trade my life for yours.

I think sometimes, the most important thing we can do,
Is to stop wishing for more and for better...
And look around at what we have been blessed with.

It's easy to admire someone elses life, if you haven't taken the time to admire your own.

Appreciative, AA <3

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Short and Sweet

Little bear didn't sleep last night, and today he seems to be coming down with a I'm not anticipating much sleep tonight either. I'll keep this rather short, since I'm exhausted and don't feel like going into depth about tonights thought.

In my short life, I have witnessed so many people who think it is okay to treat others like total.....crap.
And I don't think I have ever really taken the time to realize just how wrong this is.
Since when do people think it's okay to walk all over people who love them?
I feel like every time I turn around there is an amazing person being treated like...crap, by someone they treat rather well.
I guess this all really just goes along with my rant about how people continue to take others for granted...but it really has been bothering me lately.

Why do people have so many nice things to say once your dead....
But treat you like shit, and say the meanest things, while your alive and can feel the pain those words cause?

Everyone thought my uncle was crazy before he died. Talked about how he was loosing his mind. I'm fairly positive none of us took the time to tell him how much we'd miss him if he were gone, or how much we loved him, and how funny he was. We didn't take the time to tell him how his funny expressions make us laugh. But now, when my son makes that funny face...I think of him instantly, and regret never saying things. I wish we didn't always learn these lessons, when it was too late...

<3 AA

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The moments that matter

I know I just updated and all...but I just had a moment, that I could not pass up sharing.
And it kind of goes along with what I just blogged about..

My son woke up and wouldn't allow me to rock him back to sleep. So I resorted to the old, tiny bit of bottle trick. I made a quick bottle, and scooped him up in my arms. I sat down on the couch and removed his bink.I set it next to us. And began to give him his bottle. About half way through, he stopped looking at me, and began to stare off into space. I figured he was just getting sleepy, before I realized what he was really up too!
His bink was exactly his arms length away. I watched his little tiny fingers fiddle with the nipple, and then the edges. He was working so hard at getting it! He never stopped to look back at me, or even at that bink! He just continued to fiddle, until he had it. And then he pulled it up to his mouth and held it right there next to his bottle. He left it there, until the last drop of milk was gone, and I removed the bottle. Then he placed his bink into his mouth and fell right to sleep.

It's the moments like these that I live for. The moments that some don't understand, and will never cherish.
These are the moments that make me smile, no matter what is going on, and appreciate every second I have with my little boy, cuddled up in my arms.
Somethings are irreplaceable. Most of those things...are not things at all.
THIS was one of those things!

I have spent my fare share of gripes on getting no sleep, on a screaming baby who cannot be calmed, on late nights of rocking and feeding..but as these late night moments start to fade, and occur less and less...I begin to miss them more and more. I miss the entire house being dark and calm and quiet, and sharing that intimate time with my baby...where it's just the two of us. Cuddled Close. Experiencing something that matters so much.

I leave you with that tonight. In hopes that everyone has the chance to experience a moment, of any kind...that others would take for granted, but you- you stop to realize what it's really worth, and enjoy its every second. <3

<3 AA

Monday, January 17, 2011

Just clearing my mind.

The last couple months have brought a lot of pain and hurt to many people.
Among those emotions, are pride, and hope, and admiration.
Some have laughed about memories passed.
Some of have reminiced about good times.
I think mostly, we have all cried.
I have done all of the above.
I admire the men that were lost, I admire their families for their strength and courage. I admire their wives and children, for the battles they will continue to fight each and everyday as they walk down the path of coping, and carrying on.
Most importantly I have learned.

I have learned that you never take a person you love for granted.
You never ever stop appreciating what they are in your life.
Close your eyes and imagine them vanished forever, and then tell me how much they piss you off.
Tell me how much they upset you, or frustrate you. Tell me then that you just don't care.
I have learned just how little...the little things mean, when it comes to that argument, or that fight.
Choose your battles. Some are just not worth it.

I have come to see that nothing in the world can take the place of someone you cherish so much,
and nobody words will ever ease the pain of their loss.

Everyone is always in such a rush.
Where are we going?
If the person we love isn't sitting next to us...there is nowhere all that important to go.
We can close our eyes and dream a million dreams, but if we do not have the one we drempt them with...
What are they really worth?
Stop worrying so much about the little fight, the argument, the misjudgment, the wrong turn, the burn dinner, getting woken up to early, running out of gas...whatever it is. Does it really matter?

I have realized that the most important of all things are family.
I want to wake up every single day to my son and my husband.
Not everyone still has that luxury.
I want to spend holiday mornings in the arms of my love.
Some will miss this, every single year.
I want to watch my son grow old, and give my grandbabies..
while I'm rocking in the rocking chair next to my husband.
Some will never have that.
I admire those who have lose their lover. Their best friend. Their other half.
Your strength is something I can not even fathom.
For today, and for always, I want hold my son and my husband in a higher light then ever before.
I want them to know how much I admire them, and appreciate them.
That the little fight, or the spilled juicy cup, or the hard times, will never matter, like they matter.
Those are merely specks of sand, in the big picture.
If I can wake up everyday with my son and my husband, I am forever indebted to the God, for allowing me to be so blessed, and so humbled to have had this wake up call, and see just what IS important in life.

Don't ever take those who love you for granted.
Don't run through life so fast.
Don't hold on to the little arguments and hard times...
Forever look forward and know, that if you have each other you have the most important things.

My prayer tonight is for the families and wives, who do not have another day with their hero.
May God fill your life with gentle reminders of your love, your lifetime of memories, and your dreams.
May your babies be constant reminders of who they were.
May you forever be greatful for the times you have.
I also pray for me and my family to forever be this aware of what is important, and to continue to take life for what it is worth, and realize what matters the most, and what the real importance is...FAMILY! <3

I guess that's all. I'm going to try to sleep now.

Until whenever..

<3 AA

Saturday, January 15, 2011

"If you loose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose the courage to be, the quality that helps you go on in spite of it all."


It's another one of those 'I'm exhausted, but not to the point where my mind will shut off and let me sleep' kind of nights. I'm not over joyed.

For the first time since my husband left, I returned to Fort Campbell. I felt at home as soon as I was close enough to recognize my surroundings. I wish I could say I returned for good, or even for vacation, but I returned for the memorial of some amazing men. I was only in town for three days, but I enjoyed being there. I somehow felt closer to my husband. I know he was still on the other side of the world, but being reminded me of the life we have together. I passed places that brought back amazing memories, and it made me long for making more. I need to get motivated, and start looking online for a place for us to live, but lately things have been happening one after the other, and I never seem to be able to dedicate two minutes to that task...or sleep...or the organizing and packing of things to prepare for this move. Come on motivation and time management..I know your out there somewhere!

Anyways, in other news...tiny isn't so tiny anymore. He is a whopping nine months old. Don't dwell on that, I might break down and cry! I cannot even believe it has been nine months since he came into the world, and sometimes, I don't want too! He is just growing up way to quickly! My little peanut was four and a half pounds at birth, and he is a generous 18 pounds now. He is not a tiny, and people laugh at me when I call him that. Oh and he has to have surgery...yet again. My poor bear has been through so much in his short little life.
Lets recap.  Why? Because this is my blog and I can.
Born seven weeks early.
23 days in the NICU.
Daddy deploys ten days later.
We move to MI.
Milk allergy discovered.
Formula recall.
Reflux and colic.
Circumcision surgery due to being a preemie.
Road trip to WI for funeral.
Road trip to TN for memorial.
AND NOW....prepare yourself..
My poor baby goes for his check up, and they discover one of his little testicles went back up.
They say it could be caused by a hernia, or it could be naturally occurring.
They keep reassuring me that this surgery is common, and simple, and everything will be fine.
THEY don't have to undress their baby, put him into a hospital gown, hug and kiss him, and hand him over to a nurse.
THEY don't have to sign papers stating they are aware of the risks of surgery and anestisia.
THEY don't realize I am a first time mother, with a deployed husband, who is handing over her only child to a bunch of people she doesn't know.
The problems have already began. I explained to the doctor when I will be moving away. He offered to do the surgery early enough to alot for Jaxsons recovery before the long trip.
So when I get the letter in the mail from his surgery team stating surgery will be the end of March, I flip.
Surgery will NOT be the end of March. Just wait till Monday. This will be fixed.
Pray things go simply, and that recovery is quick and easy for him! 
My mom says I need to have Xanax on hand...she may be right.

My husband should be getting leave soon. I can not be any happier. It has been eight months in the making! Dear Army,
If you fuck it up this time....
we will be fighting.
We need this. I desperately need to see him, touch him, wake up next to him.
My husband is my rock, and I admire him, probably more then even he knows.
We will be taking a few days out of town to visit with some friends. Our moms are babysitting. Therefor, we will be spending just a little bit of time with no baby, and no anybody.
I look forward to this most. Even if it is just the travel time, and going to sleep. It's time I will value quite a bit! 

Okay, my eyes have become even heavier then before. I need to try and get some sleep. It's four : ten in the morning, and my son will be up within a few short probably three.
I hate this couch, and truly miss the king sized bed in that hotel room! Oh well.

Until Next Time.
AA <3

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Please Excuse Me.

Yes, Please excuse me..
For I am about to be a complete bitch.
If you can't handle complete honest bitch...kick rocks.
I am tired of shitty people. I'm tired of it.
Since when do people have such disregard for other human beings?
It seems to me, deployment hits, and our guys aren't even pulled out of the parking lot, before the rumors and drama began.No one is innocent. We have all said yeah I heard this happened..yeah I saw what she was wearing...yeah I heard what she said...but this shit...these rumors, and lies...wooooah!
This is a whole new level of crazy.
I'm disgusted. I'm saddened. And I am fed the fuck up.
Shady ass people, make you constantly question who you can trust.
And it's not just who you can trust...
Our husbands are thousands of miles away.
I personally have not seen mine in 8 months.
We're living alone, raising children alone, loosing sleep, constantly worrying, and under extreme amounts of stress and pressure.
It's sad you can no longer turn to a fellow army wife and vent!
It's sad you can't tell her how you're feeling, or why you're upset.
And why?
Because there is now a constant fear that you never know who is going to turn around and tell the news.
You can never be sure who is going to take your story, exaggerate and change it, and make it public record.
It's sad. It really is.

We have recently lost soldiers. Amazing men. 
We have grieving families. And soldiers still in harms way.
We have soldiers here at home who are injured and ot only dealing with the losses,
but also dealing with being away from their brothers.

And yet people have nothing better to do then degrade and ostracize eachother?
It is nothing but toxic...
And quite frankly, I don't think people stop to think about how they are making others feel. 
Lies and rumors hurt people.
I don't have it in me to make up lies and rumors.

That's an ugly, ugly trait.

I'm tired of the drama.
I'm physically exhausted.
Do you not have anything in your own life good enough to talk about?
If this is the case, DO Call me up. We can find you a good hobby or book.
If you insist on making up rumors and lies, be my guest...(just don't call me with it.)
I do not want to hear what anyone has to say about me, my husband or my child.
I do not want to hear what anyone thinks about anyone else.
I do not want to hear about another soldiers business, another wives business, or what another mothers, fathers, cousins, sisters neighbor has to say.
If you hear something about me, and it did not come out of my husbands mouth or my own, feel free to pass it around....That's right go ahead. (Not that anyone needed my permission.)
You will look like an asshole, but hey go right ahead.
*End Rant.

I hope to blog again tomorrow. Hopefully with something...anything better then this shit

Angry, Sad and Disgusted,

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

And on and on and on....

You wake up one day, and the whole world makes sense.
You see the past.
Times when you were wrong, when you could of swore you were right.
Times when you shouldn't have done, what you did.
Times when you did exactly what you needed too..
And times when everything felt perfect.

I have waken up.
It's that time.

I wish I were the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter.
I wish I could be everything to everyone.
I want to make people happy.
I want to make myself happy.
I want to raise productive citizens ; and successful happy beings.
I want my husband to be proud of the woman he married.
I want my mother to admire her son to admire his friends to admire their companion.
I want to be a million things.

When do we stop wanting?
When can we let go of the past.
When do we forgive ourselves our mistakes,
our misjudgments
and our misfortunes?

I think we learn the most important lessons with time.
We just wake up and know what is right and what is wrong.
We know what we want to change and what we want to keep the same.
The people who truly love us...
They forgive our mistakes, except our imperfections, and look brightly into the future.
I think sometimes we get too caught up on regretting things..
and we forget to learn the lessons that are there.

I will never be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter..
but I will be the best that I can be, and I know the people who matter most...
Well...that's enough for them. <3

I'm posted up in this hotel. King size bed all to myself. I haven't slept in a bed since my husband left for deployment. Strictly couches for me. I was quite elated when I saw this king size bed...overjoyed actually. After 10+ hours in the car, with an infant (might I add), I wanted to crawl under the covers and not come out for a week. Of course, with an infant, who'd been in his car seat for far too long...this just wasn't going to happen. So we did our thing. He played...and played and played! He was ecstatic to be rolling around and stretching out his little limbs! Finally, he rubbed his eyes, and gave me...the look. I gave him his bottle, and let him fall asleep in my arms. I have made a habit of not rocking him to sleep, because we've had previous issues with him refusing his bed! However, tonight...I prolonged my shower. I rocked and cuddled that boy for over an hour. I sat in bed, with the tv on, and rubbed his back and swayed. It was peaceful. It was perfect. It's not often we can sit in the quiet and just be alone. Hell, now that he is 9 months old, it is not often he wants to lay on his mommy.... He would much rather be on the go!

Finally, I laid him into his pack and play, covered him up, and took my shower. I checked on him afterwords, then crawled into this big king size bed. I couldn't sleep. I listened to him make cute little noises, and wiggle around, all while peacefully asleep. Their is nothing in the world more amazing. Watching him, I think of so many wonderful things. 

I think of the amazing mom I have, the husband who helped me bring this blessing into the world (not physically, I did that all on my own..haha.). I think of the night I got married, the dreams we have. I think of how amazing it is to see your dream peacefully sleeping before your eyes. My son makes me feel closer to my husband, and for that I am thankful. There is always that piece of him with me. Rather my husband be in Afghanistan or not, there is this little piece of him, right here in front of me. They share so many of the same traits. He is my constant reminder of the man I married two years ago, of my best friend, of a person I admire beyond belief. Each sweet little sigh helps subdue the loneliness I feel. My husband has been gone for eight months now, and we have yet to see the face of r & r. Eight months is a long time. Sometimes I begin to think I have forgotten his smile, or his silly personality, or the way he rubs his eyes when he's over tired. I am instantly reminded that my son has all of these traits. For that, I am forever grateful.

Now that I'm in this big king size's not as exciting. It's rather lonely. My husband is hogging the covers, he's not reaching out and pulling me over to him, and I don't hear his breath in my ear. I want more then anything to scoop my baby boy up and bring him into this big empty bed with me, but I know he will wake up and be oh so unhappy with me. There is nothing better then sharing a king size bed with your little man....except sharing a king sized bed, with both your men.

I long for February. F...o...u...r...t...e...e...n days of together. ( I say it like that because I don't want it to fly by, like I know it will...) For 14 days my family is whole again. I don't think words can describe the new sense of love I have found for my husband over this long eight months. I have reflected back and laughed, cried, regret and celebrated times we have had. Most of all I have realized what an amazing person he is, and found the inspiration to always be a better me. I want to be everything to him, because he is everything to me. My boys are my rock, my heart, and my soul. Without the two of them, I would come undone.

This is all I leave you with for now.
*Disclaimer* Please excuse anything that is out of order, random, misspelled, a hot mess, or otherwise ridiculous. I have been up for 23 hours, and cannot find the urge to sleep, regardless of how tired I am.

Until next time...

<3 AA