Wednesday, January 12, 2011

And on and on and on....

You wake up one day, and the whole world makes sense.
You see the past.
Times when you were wrong, when you could of swore you were right.
Times when you shouldn't have done, what you did.
Times when you did exactly what you needed too..
And times when everything felt perfect.

I have waken up.
It's that time.

I wish I were the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter.
I wish I could be everything to everyone.
I want to make people happy.
I want to make myself happy.
I want to raise productive citizens ; and successful happy beings.
I want my husband to be proud of the woman he married.
I want my mother to admire her son to admire his friends to admire their companion.
I want to be a million things.

When do we stop wanting?
When can we let go of the past.
When do we forgive ourselves our mistakes,
our misjudgments
and our misfortunes?

I think we learn the most important lessons with time.
We just wake up and know what is right and what is wrong.
We know what we want to change and what we want to keep the same.
The people who truly love us...
They forgive our mistakes, except our imperfections, and look brightly into the future.
I think sometimes we get too caught up on regretting things..
and we forget to learn the lessons that are there.

I will never be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter..
but I will be the best that I can be, and I know the people who matter most...
Well...that's enough for them. <3

I'm posted up in this hotel. King size bed all to myself. I haven't slept in a bed since my husband left for deployment. Strictly couches for me. I was quite elated when I saw this king size bed...overjoyed actually. After 10+ hours in the car, with an infant (might I add), I wanted to crawl under the covers and not come out for a week. Of course, with an infant, who'd been in his car seat for far too long...this just wasn't going to happen. So we did our thing. He played...and played and played! He was ecstatic to be rolling around and stretching out his little limbs! Finally, he rubbed his eyes, and gave me...the look. I gave him his bottle, and let him fall asleep in my arms. I have made a habit of not rocking him to sleep, because we've had previous issues with him refusing his bed! However, tonight...I prolonged my shower. I rocked and cuddled that boy for over an hour. I sat in bed, with the tv on, and rubbed his back and swayed. It was peaceful. It was perfect. It's not often we can sit in the quiet and just be alone. Hell, now that he is 9 months old, it is not often he wants to lay on his mommy.... He would much rather be on the go!

Finally, I laid him into his pack and play, covered him up, and took my shower. I checked on him afterwords, then crawled into this big king size bed. I couldn't sleep. I listened to him make cute little noises, and wiggle around, all while peacefully asleep. Their is nothing in the world more amazing. Watching him, I think of so many wonderful things. 

I think of the amazing mom I have, the husband who helped me bring this blessing into the world (not physically, I did that all on my own..haha.). I think of the night I got married, the dreams we have. I think of how amazing it is to see your dream peacefully sleeping before your eyes. My son makes me feel closer to my husband, and for that I am thankful. There is always that piece of him with me. Rather my husband be in Afghanistan or not, there is this little piece of him, right here in front of me. They share so many of the same traits. He is my constant reminder of the man I married two years ago, of my best friend, of a person I admire beyond belief. Each sweet little sigh helps subdue the loneliness I feel. My husband has been gone for eight months now, and we have yet to see the face of r & r. Eight months is a long time. Sometimes I begin to think I have forgotten his smile, or his silly personality, or the way he rubs his eyes when he's over tired. I am instantly reminded that my son has all of these traits. For that, I am forever grateful.

Now that I'm in this big king size's not as exciting. It's rather lonely. My husband is hogging the covers, he's not reaching out and pulling me over to him, and I don't hear his breath in my ear. I want more then anything to scoop my baby boy up and bring him into this big empty bed with me, but I know he will wake up and be oh so unhappy with me. There is nothing better then sharing a king size bed with your little man....except sharing a king sized bed, with both your men.

I long for February. F...o...u...r...t...e...e...n days of together. ( I say it like that because I don't want it to fly by, like I know it will...) For 14 days my family is whole again. I don't think words can describe the new sense of love I have found for my husband over this long eight months. I have reflected back and laughed, cried, regret and celebrated times we have had. Most of all I have realized what an amazing person he is, and found the inspiration to always be a better me. I want to be everything to him, because he is everything to me. My boys are my rock, my heart, and my soul. Without the two of them, I would come undone.

This is all I leave you with for now.
*Disclaimer* Please excuse anything that is out of order, random, misspelled, a hot mess, or otherwise ridiculous. I have been up for 23 hours, and cannot find the urge to sleep, regardless of how tired I am.

Until next time...

<3 AA

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