Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Don't touch my stuff

I have been in a serious organization mood lately.
I have created a COLOR CODED calendar...
Organized random drawers, and even my previously disastrous car.
I think this is mostly due to the fact that lately I have had reoccurring thoughts about a time when my "stuff" was touched and shouldn't of been.
My logic behind this, is that if everything is in a determined spot, no one can touch it.
And if they do touch it, not only will I know, but so will everyone around me.
This is terrible logic...and I don't enjoy it.
But it's where I am and who I need to be right now... I think...
So maybe something good will come out of it.

Oh that's all for tonight. I have far too many thoughts running through my head and need to stop before this turns into a hundred more topics of emotional diarrhea. *Emotional diarrhea being my new phrase of choice....It just sounds soo right on.
Too bad I can't organize my thoughts the way I have everything else around me.


Sunday, July 1, 2012

The Naked Truth

Well, here it is.
By far one of the most personal, and most important pieces out of my high school writing binder.
Although I have not found the binder itself, I found this and that makes me extremely happy.
This was written to describe the feelings I had when I first told my then-boyfriend-later husband, about an extremely painful time in my life and things that had happened to me. Prior to telling him, I had kept "the secret" from everyone. This year, more so then ever before, I have opened up about these events to a couple close people in my life. Maybe that is part of healing? Oh well.. On with it already...

(You can find me on Instagram @AlyAnger )

The Naked Truth
Layers too quickly melt away like warm wax...
And my past is exposed.
Utter embarrassment overcomes all other emotions,
And for once I am seen.
The wall I so meticulously built: Shattered.
You step over it, as if non-existent.
You welcome yourself into me. Then and Now.
Secrets spilled across the table like common dinner chit-chat.
Embarrassments whispered in the dark of bed.
You don't give me the chance to hold back.
You strip me of the layers I created to hide everything..
Everything you now see.
Puddles of the past surround us,
Puddles I fear are too deep for you to step through.
My own experiences, give you vivid dreams of things I wish you'd never seen.
And I suddenly feel the awkwardness of sitting naked in front of a stranger.
The feeling of needing to cover everything private-
Only we're fully dressed, and you're no stranger.
I feel the need to hide the guilt of what has happened...
But you strip me of the blankets, and wipe away my tears.
You stare into my eyes, the eyes I wish I could have hid.
Glaring at the memories I try so hard to blur.
Shaking, naked-cold...
The memories spew out with tears.
I can't hold it in any longer,
You stripped away my barrier,
Knocked down my wall..
It's hard to hold it in.
Secret after secret stripped from my suppressed memory.
Slowly, they pour out with utter disgust.
I start to feel dirty, sick....
Almost violated all over again.
I feel the need to hide from you.
Not just you, the entire world,
and especially the truth.
Build the all back up, and step out please.
Redress me.
I need the comfort, bury the past.
This never happened.
You know nothing.

-- aa

Sunday, June 24, 2012

In with the Old Pt. 2

If you didn't see part one, I am posting a few pieces out of my high school writing binder. All of these pieces are four or more years old, but I have held onto them all this time because they were all fairly important to me.

Face the World

Warm light shines obnoxiously through the cracks between the blinds. Tick...tick....tick....beep...beep...beep... Red light consumes her eyes 6:00 AM shines too brightly in her face. Beep...beep....snooze!
Blankets cover her face to hide the intolerable, awakening brightness.
Tick...tick...tick...and before she knew it...BEEP...BEEP! Red lights again. Six ten.
Blankets gather at the end of the bed, hair a mess. Yesterdays makeup smears don't hide the lack of confidence plastered on her face.
Faucets running, left over toothpaste in the sink. She combs her hair quickly, carelessly.
And the mirror above the sink reveals her dreaded reflection. She traces every facial feature with her glare, finding something wrong with everything. Concentrating on her eyes...momentarily lost in deep thought. Words that have so far been just thoughts, unexpectedly pass over her lips.

 "I'm conscious of my broken heart,
And well aware of my fears."
She paused...took a deep breath...
"I'm unpredictable and slightly overwhelmed,
and it's likely I may never fully trust again."
"I cry too hard, I scream too loud."
She let out a deep sigh, then shook her head.
"And...and I never sleep well..
..uhh..I second guess everything."
"And take things far too personally."
She hesitated...
"But I'm going to be okay?"
"Wait, what am I doing?"
"Trying to convince myself?"
She paused again,
Fists clenched,
Chin lowered,
Eyes welling with tears.
She took a deep breath,
And glared into the reflection of her eyes once again.
Hesitantly she spoke...
"No, I'm sure of it...."
"I'm going to be okay..."
She silently questioned herself once more.
"Yeah, I'm going to be just fine."

She shakes her flowing hair and a smile finds its way too her face. She walks away from the mirror, shuts off the lights, steps into her heels, flips her hair over her shoulder and walks out the door. Bright, warm, welcoming light hits her face. She stops on her doorstep. Deep breath...welcoming the fresh air. She takes it all in. Happiness still plastered to her face, she walked down the street confidently for the first time since he'd left.


In with the Old

A majority of my writing binder from high school is missing.... Which absolutely breaks my heart.
Everything I wrote from tenth grade up until the summer after senior year was in there.
Most things were written in my creative writing class- With the most inspiring teacher I've ever had.
She was a hippie, full blown. Dread locks and rockin' attitude. She made an ever lasting impression on my life.
Anyhow, a few loose sheets from my binder were on the top shelf of my closet, which was a nice surprise. I decided I'd share some old pieces, simply because I'm so upset about my binder, and I haven't read this stuff in years.

Adulterous attempts failed.
Devouring my emotions like Sundays brunch, undeserving.
Imperial chances, given far too many times.
But still, I just brushed off disgust.
I knew better.
Your impetuous bursts--
No longer found tolerable.
And I walked....
The house, I tried to make a home....
Never well enough.
One night stands-
Keeping you satisfied....
But you had to have me,
Idle on the side.
Vacant hearted. 
Emotions no longer counting.
Promises no longer fulfilled.
Latent adulterous success. 
I'm still idle.
One night stand- turned affair.
But, I'm still idle...
Imperial chance followed by imperial chance.
But that's okay.
I walked.... silently....
Your words screaming regret.
Your actions reaking of your intent. 
Nights alone...
Well, not your nights.
Mine - unaccompanied. 
This house's heat-
Cranked up.
But somehow...
Still cold...
A heart- emotion filled.
...Yet empty.
Idle on the side. Vacant hearted. 
Emotions screaming stay...
Head screaming GET THE HELL OUT!
Full of disgust, but it's okay.
I'll brush it off.
Words screaming regret!
Actions screaming "I meant it".
This time, I'll walk..
                               December 31st, 2007

I have a few more pieces I'll be adding in the days to come. Maybe another later tonight.
As always I'm open to any constructive criticism. Thanks for reading guys.
Its always interesting to look back at things I wrote so many years ago!


Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A city so full of life..

What an inspiring city.
A constant flow of people swarm the streets, feet constantly pounding the sidewalks.
The chatter from outdoor patios makes me smile.
It reminds me of a scene from Sex in the City.
Groups of girl friends laughing and talking, enjoying lunch.
I find it simply inspiring.
Eclectic shops line city streets.
A place where there is always something to do, or something new to see.
I think I was meant for big city's like this. 
It reminded me how much I miss Nashville.

Sunday, we woke up and headed to Navy Pier.
I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was more then excited.
The sun heated our backs as we made our way from the expensive parking garage to the pier.
We walked one end to the other.
Baby bear even walked--No stroller.
Perhaps we somewhat regret that choice...
but he felt proud and made most of the voyage like a big boy!
The water, the boats, the city view...it was everything I hoped it would be.
When we got to the end, an ambulance and firetruck were on scene helping someone out.
I think this was baby bears favorite part.

Needless to say it was a Father's Day well spent and we all had a great time!
It is without a doubt something I would do again.
Before we left, we rode the giant ferris wheel.
Baby bear was fearless and loved every minute of it.
I... well let's just say wasn't exactly thrilled when we got to the top.
The view however was worth every second of anxiety the height caused.
Simply breathtaking. 

We originally planned on heading back to Michigan afterwords, but decided to stay an extra night.
The sun and the heat wore us all out.
The remainder of Sunday was spent on the couch relaxing...
Much, much needed relaxing.
Monday came before we knew it.
We all sullenly said our goodbye's.
Soldier man headed to work.
Baby bear and I spent the morning cleaning and packing up.
We filled the tank and hit the road.
I was sad to be passing through Chicago one more time, this time on the way out.
The city never ceases to amaze me.
The gas prices however, are not as thrilling.
That's right, $70 bucks to fill up my Nitro.
I dread every penny that goes into the gas tank, but the trip was worth it.
We had a blast.
I miss Chicago already.
After being in a city so full of life for almost two weeks...
Plain old Michigan seems like a slow - painful death.
See ya soon Chicago!


Saturday, June 16, 2012

Fire flies and Chicago skies

I'm standing outside, between two buildings--sidewalks cut between the grass.
The perfect summer breeze makes my hair dance, and I see fireflies for the first time in years.
I hear the train plow down the tracks. Airplanes coming, airplanes going-cluttering the sky.
I step inside, pull up the blinds. Big city feel right outside your window.
People coming, people going. The bus lets off, straight ahead on the street.
Constant. Coming. And. Going.
I silence the lights. Lay down on the old brown couch and close my tired eyes.
The train howls. The planes still fly. I hear it perfectly, as if still outside.
Eyes closed, and I still see the fireflies. I feel secure. Alone, but secure. What a rare feeling.
They say the city is dangerous. Filled with crime and hate.
It's beautiful. Perfect sounds. Perfect feel.
I don't see 42 murders overnight. 
I see fireflies, trains and planes and perfect. Just perfect.
The air silences. It's quiet. No trains, no planes. The sidewalks are empty and the sky dark.
((photo by me. Thank you instagram))

"Daddy where are you?"
And my heart sinks.
I know this is what I will hear when we return.
Michigan bound tomorrow.
He will miss you.
I will miss you.
No longer close enough to O'Hare to hear the planes.
Trains wont shackle down the tracks close enough to recognize.
But for now I silence my heavy heart.
Once again, I am where I want to be.
I'm standing outside, between two buildings--sidewalks cut between the grass.
The perfect summer breeze makes my hair dance, and I see fireflies for the first time in years.
I hear the train plow down the tracks. Airplanes coming, airplanes going-cluttering the sky.
I step inside, pull up the blinds. Big city feel right outside your window.

((photo cred: timesunion.com))

Before we leave tomorrow, we will be admiring Navy Pier.
Check back tomorrow for my update and pictures I'm sure.
Until next time, Big Windy City, Until next time.

All my love,

Many things I am, some things I am not.

I am undoubtedly in love with words, intrigued by intelligence and absorbed with curiosity. I will follow a hunch until all hope has died and my heart has let go. I will ride the waves of unconditional love until...well...until.... Just until. I do not subscribe to luck. Fate however, that's a different story. Many things I am... some things I am not.

I am a hopeless lover. A dreamer with no limits. A mother with all that I have.
I am not however, someone who desires the approval of a room full of judgment.
I have seen so much these last few years.
I have witnessed death at young ages. Lost friends to unforgiving tragedies. Watched friends loose their minds, fighting wars they believed in, and friends loosing lives, doing the same.
Life is simply short. Too short.
If I lived for approval, I would never live at all.

We can choose to live our lives in judgment of others, or we can choose to truly live our lives.
You are put on this planet for such a short period of time. Concern yourself with the most rewarding things in life. Help someone. Change something. Stand up for something you believe in.... But do these things free of judgment...do them without seeking reward or recognition. Do it because it speaks volumes about your character... Or possibly do it without reason, without rhyme, and without explanation.

It is simply to easy to wake up in the morning and seek the wrongs of others. It is far too simple minded of us to look to others for their faults. Spend an entire day finding the beauty in ugly situations, seek only the good in people, look for the positive in negative situations. I promise it will be much easier to lay your head down at night and truly rest. In a world full of negative, YOU can be the positive. If you're asking me why... I'm asking you...Why not?
The world is full of hate, and war, and violence and anger. People are fighting battles you know nothing about, and you still want to seek the bad...point it out? For what? Who does that help, and what does that change? Seeking the ugly in others, does not make you beautiful.
In fact, It mostly makes you ignorant.


Character is defined as the "mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual."
What does your character say about you


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Do you believe in fate?

"Accident or Grand Design?"

Lately I have found myself quite regularly wondering this very concept. How did I get to where I am? Was this an accident? Is this where I'm meant to be? How does one know the answer to these questions?

22. (almost) Single mom of a 2 year old. Just starting college. Unsure of where I want to be in life.
Could this be where I am supposed to be?
While it does not seem likely, I try to believe in fate and keep a positive outlook.
Do you think it is true that everything happens for a reason? Or it possible our life is by chance...
A series of mistakes that cause us to land where we land...
Perhaps life is all this "meant to be".
Could this really be where I'm meant to be?
Sometimes I wish the world gave us just a little more reassurance.
I feel like I would be so much more motivated in life, if I knew that this was where I was supposed to be. Sometimes I wonder what would have been, could have been, if just one choice or one mistake had not occurred.

Are you where you're supposed to be?
Was it by accident...or was it fate?

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Oh it's been a long time...

I haven't written in quite some time. School and baby bear have kept me busy. Nursing seems less appealing these days. I really am considering a switch into Journalism, or Business Administration... Or maybe I'm just not sure. I have time. But I like a plan. And not having a plan scares the shit out of me.

In other news, my poetry binder from high school is missing...and I'm slightly devastated.I haven't looked through it in a while and really had the urge to tonight. I'm sure it's around here somewhere. After taking creative writing three years in a row, I have a lifetime of work in there.. Poems that mean so much to me.

Writing has been such a big part of my life. I don't know why I have hit this spot where I'm finding it so hard to blog these days. I have so much going on, and so much to say... but nothing seems to come out right. I know I will come out of this, just like I have before.

Also, I've come across something called the "slutwalk" Has anyone heard of it? Have you done it? It's pretty amazing, and I would like to participate this year. Detroit's SlutWalk will be announced (date and location) on May 1st. I'm pretty excited. 

The slut walk is for people (men and women) who want to take a stand for people who have been raped or molested. It began after a Canadian officer stated that women should avoid dressing like sluts so they don't get raped. The entire point of this walk is to spread awareness about these crimes, and make it known, it is never the victims fault. Here are a few facts to wrap your mind around:
  • The standard pedophile will commit 117 sexual crimes in their lifetime.

  • Most sexual abuse happens between the ages of 7 and 13.
  • There are over 491,720 registered sex offenders in the United States.
  •  Of those, 50% - 80% are known by the victim. (Relative, friend, significant other, ect.)

      "The child of five or older who knows and cares for the abuser becomes trapped between affection or loyalty for the person, and the sense that the sexual activities are terribly wrong. If the child tries to break away from the sexual relationship, the abuser may threaten the child with violence or loss of love. When sexual abuse occurs within the family, the child may fear the anger, jealousy or shame of other family members, or be afraid the family will break up if the secret is told.
A child who is the victim of prolonged sexual abuse usually develops low self-esteem, a feeling of worthlessness and an abnormal or distorted view of sex. The child may become withdrawn and mistrustful of adults, and can become suicidal. Some children who have been sexually abused have difficulty relating to others except on sexual terms."

Now that you have all been educated...
If anyone want's to do Detroit's Slutwalk with me, Let me know! If you're not near by, find out when your local walk is and participate!

Until next time, 


Monday, January 23, 2012

Simple Reminder

Stopping in to be thankful tonight. I am thankful for so many things in life.
Tonight I am thankful for new friends...a new out look, and that stupid grin stuck on my face from time to time.
Life is a crazy adventure...hold on...and don't forget to enjoy the ride.
Somethings are a big mystery...and you just have to follow your heart...
When you're feeling defeated, or tired...or broken...don't forget to be thankful!
I am thankful for YOU!
This is a simple reminder, that sometimes the little things we overlook, are the ones we should be most thankful for!

What exactly were you thankful for tonight?


Sunday, January 22, 2012

Pure Triumph

Well, what can I say? It's been a hell of a year....two years of hell? I don't quite know how to word it...
And I'm having a hard time making it sound right...so to be blunt... The last two years have been hella crazy. HELLA? (shout out to F.Robinson...that word reminds me of you love!)

I left Fort Campbell in tears...terrified my husband would not return from his deployment. Terrified we would loose good friends, terrified to be a brand new mother, whose husband was at war, and whose mind was in a million places all at once.  
*Why didn't anyone offer me a xanax back then?*

Anyways, I spent that entire year in fear. Fearful that I was not the best mother...that I had no idea what I was doing, that I would do something wrong...that I wouldn't do something I should be doing. Fearful my husband would loose his life to this war, that he wouldn't love me when he came home, that we wouldn't be connected...that this war would change who we had been for so long.

After ten lonely, dreadful months of deployment and single parenting, my husband came home for R &R and I was no longer fearful. I was devastated. I had spent these ten months worrying I wasn't sending enough boxes, worrying he wasn't feeling my love from so far away, worried I didn't know the right words to say when he was down... I never once worried he was having an affair. Not until the day I found out about the affair that I never imagined he was having. And from there...there was another year.

My husband never once admitted to this affair. The woman did, her husband did, a handful of other soldiers did....spouses did...(yes even other spouses knew..) But me? I was clueless...and he felt innocent. What did he owe me? Nothing. He was the soldier, fighting the war...and nothing he did would ever warrant punishment, or guilt. He is so much above me, that he is the innocent one. In fact, this was all my fault.

No, I am no longer the idiot who believes that...but for a long time...I did...because I allowed him to make me feel that way.
I spent the year following this heart shattering news, tearing myself apart...and now putting myself back together. I spent three fourths of that year tearing myself apart. Begging him to love me again, hating the world, hating myself, but mostly hating her. I spent much time alone...in the dark...crying. Tears no one knew about. I preferred it that way. Everyone around me said he's an *insert expletive here*  "Get over it..." "You deserve better" "He doesn't deserve you". I didn't care. No one in the world knew me like that man and all I wanted was his love. (Now I ask myself why? Why would I want the love of a man so willing to shatter me)
Needless to say, we spent the next six or so months fucking with each others heads....me trying to win him back...him trying to decide what he wanted.

In the last couple months of 2011 I found myself a new person almost. I had faced the worst of the worst that year- - A deployment, a divorce, a mental break down (or 10)... And I was still breathing. I was still whole...and I was still a damn good mother. I think one day I just woke up (Yes, I honestly mean one day I just woke up...literally) And said I don't care anymore. I realized I could have a beating heart without this man...I realized how much I had dealt with and how much I didn't deserve to hurt. I realized what kind of person I was and how much I had done for others... I realized I deserved someone who loved me enough to be faithful to me and to treat me right.

So hello 2012....Thank you for stopping by.
With this new year, I have found my dreams again...my goals...my heart...my spirit, and MYSELF.
And Damn, it feels good to be me!
This year, I am determined to walk with my head held high and know my own worth.
Maybe I will fall in love this year...maybe I won't. Either way this year will be better then last year, and I will no longer depend on someone else's love to make me happy. 
I made it through the last two years...I can make it through anything.
I have a heart that is full again...complete and whole...and I can only hope to love someone who loves me just as much back.
I think the best thing about getting your heart broken, is realizing your worth...and the feeling you get when you let go, and you take that first breath as a free person again.

I want to laugh again...and love...and laugh with the person I love...every single day.
If it's not fun anymore, I'm not doing it.
I'm not wasting my life away with someone who doesn't want to enjoy me.
And I want to be surprised.
I want to be swept off my feet.
I want to be astonished by someones passion for life...but more-so by someones passion for me.
I want to love someone who loves me for exactly who I am....
Someone who will forever allow me to be that person. 
Someone who believes in me and someone who wants to see me happy. 
Someone trustworthy and honest, and someone who only wants me.
Are you out there? Can you hear me...I'm looking for you!

 I'm feeling rather triumphent and whole...
I'm feeling proud of myself for the place I'm in today.

Until next time,

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Destination Unknown.

It has been a long rough journey, and I still don't know where I'm going to end up. I have found myself low...and on top...and low again.
But I think as 2011 was wrapping up and the holidays were passing... I hit rock bottom.
I realized that yet again this year, I was a single parent, playing Santa, saving money, doing the shopping, doing the wrapping, doing the celebrating. I realized that last year it was not by choice since baby bears father was deployed. However, this year... he chose to not have a family. He spent holidays with a woman he had an affair with.  

And then it dawned on me.

Why did I care? Why have I spent so much time... too much time worrying about what I did wrong. I was not perfect. I am human. I have made mistakes in the last seven years. However, I was not the downfall of this family. I did not betray my vows. I did not choose to run from my family. I was a faithful wife, who supported her husband, while raising our child alone, while he was deployed. I thought I was standing behind a man who was doing a dignified job. I was loyally waiting for a man who was having an affair.

I will never downplay that deployment. Many men were killed. Men saw things, they never should have had to seen. It was a long, hard deployment. But the death of your friends, does not permitted an affair. It is not a free pass. It is not a get out of jail free. It is not an excuse. It does not mean you are not guilty. And that is something this man has never realized. But I do not care anymore. I just don't.
I have spent close to a year wondering if he would ever genuinely be sorry. He will not. I spent the greater part of that year, wishing he was still the person he was I feel for when I was 13 years old. He will never be.

It took hitting rock bottom, faking the holidays, and hitting almost complete break down, to realize I am so much better then all of this. I gave my all. I tried to revive something someone else killed. I forgave. I had hope. I had faith. I did more then I ever should have. And now I can do whatever I want.

My life can go on from here, and I do not have to feel guilty. I don't have to feel like I gave up too soon. I don't have to feel like there was something else I could have done. 

My heart beats to a new tune. I feel a sense of freedom. I feel a sense of wholeness for the first time since before that deployment began. But most of all, I feel accomplished. I have given my all, and now I get all of myself back.

I want to love again. Without holding back. Without fear of pain and hurt and betrayal.

And my goals for this year are simple:
Be the best mom I can be.
Be the best ME I can be.
Go on a date with an open mind.
Remember my own worth
And just for fun, I'd like to go somewhere I've never been before!

I have to say that witnessing my best friend get married a couple weeks ago really made me wake up. Her husband treats her son as if he were his own. He loves her unconditionally and would do anything in his power to see her happy. Those are traits I cannot say I always had. They are things I know I am worthy of having, and I know I will not settle until I meet someone who loves me for exactly who I am, and loves my son to the moon and back.

The last two years have contained the biggest life lessons for me. I have sat by and hated myself, I have learned how to love myself, I have hurt for love, and learned it's okay to love after love. I have learned my worth, and I have learned it's okay to hurt....as long as you pick yourself up off the ground before you get walked over. I have learned so many things. The most important thing I have learned is that the journey can be hard as hell...and the destination may be unknown...however knowing what you're worth can save your life.

My life is good. 
And I'm excited to have a free heart, full of love,
searching for someone who will actually appreciate it.

Yours Truly,

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

How do you measure a year?

Another year, come and gone.

I am not one to dwell on resolutions, mourning a year past, or celebrating a new year coming.Everyone always says they hope this year is better then last...or that things go better. Lets face it...
This year will have it's ups and downs just like every other year.
Bad things are bound to happen. Good times are sure to come. That is life.

However something feels different to me this time around...
I guess I feel like THIS new year is a clean slate.
Okay...ok..maybe not a "clean slate".... Maybe I just feel like it's time to stop sobbing, and pouting and hoping for things I should have given up on a long time ago.
Perhaps it is time for me to focus on myself, and not on saving people who do not wish to be saved.

It is simply too easy to look at my husband (yes, we're still "technically married"...as he calls it) and think about all the bad things that happened to him during that deployment...all the terrible things he witnessed, and saw....all the heartbreaking situations he had been in. It is easy to dwell on all those situations. Over the last year, I have failed to remind myself that during that heart wrenching deployment, he also had an affair, betrayed my trust, and lied to me constantly.He broke every vow we took, he broke my trust, but most importantly, he broke me.

I've made a self conscious choice to dwell on neither of those things...(the poor him, or the poor me.) At least, to try not too. I've decided that I don't need to save him. I don't need to hate him either. What I need to do is get my life on track and stop wondering where I went wrong and how I can save everyone and everything. I just need to save myself at this point...let people take the fall for their own actions. I must realize, I did not go wrong. I have been the best me I could be. I was faithful, I was loyal, and I was grateful. I may never have been the best wife in the world, but I gave him all of me, and I trusted him with that.

Anyways....back to this new year..

I already quit smoking, so I can check that off my list of things I would like to get done this year.After, four or so years, I officially gave it up on December 3rd, 2011. I had a couple on Christmas because I was drinking and stressed the hell out, but other then that I have been a trooper! I'm quite proud of myself. I don't think I ever really believed I would stick to it...but I have!

What else do I want to do this year? 
1. Go to school. I'm undecided, and the classes I'm registered for start on the 9th.
We will see in the next week which path I choose to take with that.

2. NOT have a mental break down when my baby bear turns two in three months! -- Lord, where did the time go?! ((-Speaking of the lord.... Jaxson and I have been saying our prayers every night before bed...and now when you tell Jaxson to send a kiss to Jesus he blows a kiss up twords the ceiling... it IS the cutest thing you could ever witness! ))

3. Love myself. --Inside and Out.

4. I have been saving pop tabs from cans for the last two months. When I reach ten pounds I'm donating the money from them to breast cancer research. --In the name of a very important fallen soldier. Breast Cancer, in honor of my Grandma. In this fallen soldiers name, because well..he's awesome.

5. Write more. I have sort of fallen out of my blog, and it used to be such a good source of release for me. I would really like to get back into the swing of things.

6. Be the best mom I can be, keep my son happy and healthy! :)

7. Live this entire year, without a single regret. Lessons learned-yes! But I would like all of my choices to have meaning and reason, and not be something I will later say "why the hell did I do that?!"

It's easy to measure a year in terms of success and failures...in terms of months...weeks...days...
But why measure a year at all.
The months, weeks days do not matter.
It's the moments we will never forget that mean the most..
For it is the moments we will never forget in which we have learned our most valuable lessons, witnessed our most treasured memories, or experienced something truly life changing....
And for that, this year, and always.. I am grateful.

As always....

Monday, November 14, 2011

If you've ever had the pleasure...

If you ever have the pleasure of knowing someone amazing...
If you ever have the pleasure of meeting someone remarkable...
Someone who makes you smile, or never fails to make you laugh...
Make sure you let them know.

One year ago today,
I received a phone call from a friend.
She was letting me know, her husband paid the ultimate price for our freedom.
She was so brave, and so strong from the get go.
As the day progressed, 
I learned of two other men from 1/327, Abu, 3rd Plt *BUKA*,
who gave their life.
Word quickly spread of others with life threatening injuries.
I will never forget the fear, and hurt, and anger I felt that day.
I as a point of contact,
had made countless phone calls letting wives know about lives lost in the battalion.
I never imagined I would have to make a phone call,
including the names of men in my husbands platoon.
I never imagined having to speak those words.
It's crazy to think how invincible we make ourselves feel.
We knew death was part of war, but never imagined it would hit so close to home.
Anytime I had to make one of those calls,
It was tragic and terrible....
But to be speaking of men I knew,
Men I'd had in my home for dinner,
Men who's families I had met....
It was something completely different.

All I could think about was the hurt and pain their families would endure...
The emotions my husband must of been dealing with,
And the realities of the war he had been fighting.
The remainder of that deployment,
I thought about three things:
Those three men, Their grieving families, And my husband still out there fighting.

I think it is safe to say my perspective on life changed after that.
It's far to often we take the ones we love for granted.
The people who are always there, no matter what...
The people who we love the most...
We assume they know we love them...
We don't say it enough.
We forget to let them know how much we appreciate them..
Or what they mean to us.
Life is far too short.
Some lives are taken tragically, some heroically,
Some expected, and some so very unexpectedly.
But at the end of the day,
What matters most is....
What you leave behind, in the hearts of the people who love you.

Don't ever take the people you love for granted,
You never know when God will need them!

You are the true definition of hero's,
And you will never be forgotten!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

And the rambling continues

I am mentally exhuasted. My life seems to be on a never ending roller coaster and I just want it to stop at the top so I can jump off feet first. My hopes would be to land in something a m a z i n g, but I'd probably land in a pile of dog shit instead.

I'm so in need of a get away. I just want to run from here. I want to leave all this mess behind and run away, if just for a little while. I need a brain break. I need time to breathe and time to think about something other then all the ways in which my life is overpowering my will to succeed. 

It disgusts me how people just don't care about the way in which they hurt others. It disgusts me that I am stuck in the middle of such a mess. I wish I could change things. I wish I could take this disaster and turn it into something amazing... Maybe I will...Maybe I will find the courage to try.

I need to decompress. 

It looks like a margarita night, if you ask me.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

In with the new.

Peace Love & Problems. A new title! And I think this shall remain for a very long time. It pretty much sums up everything I write about most often. Finding peace with my past, Love of all sorts, and the inevitable problems. Changed up all my fonts and colors, made my banner, and fiddled with other little changes.

Hope you all enjoy the new look!

I need sleep.

I shall regret being up this late when my alarm goes off in eeeeeeek....four and a half hours.


Honor, Pride, and Confusion

"We all honor heroes for different reasons -
Sometimes for their daring, Sometimes for their bravery,
Sometimes for their goodness. But, mostly, we honor heroes because,
At one point or another, We all dream of being rescued.
Of course, if the right hero doesn't come along,
Sometimes we just have to rescue ourselves."

I came across this quote today. It made me think about so many things.
Mostly I am wondering what we are supposed to do, 
when our hero is the one who needs to be rescued. 
Who can save someone so brave, and full of pride?
Who can touch the mind of someone who has been through so much?
Who can rescue a hero?


Thursday, September 15, 2011

I want to hibernate like a bear. I feel defeated.
I'm tired of being the only one fighting this battle.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm on the line waiting for you to reel me in, or toss me back.
I want to run....I want to run away from this all... to somewhere new, where no
one knows me. I feel like nothing good ever comes my way.
And no matter how much good I do for others, I get shit in return.
Constant shit.

I'm just fed up with everyone and everything.
And I want to run and hide and never be seen.

That is all.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Vent, Rant, TRUTH

I'm so frustrated. I mean... really....really frustrated.
I'm tired of feeling like the only one clinging to this family.
I know I deserve better. I know my son deserves better.
Somehow I don't want better...

I want you to come to terms with the fact that you had an affair.
I want you to admitt it, Plain and bold instead of beating around the bush.
I need you to say it.
I need you to feel bad....I need you to feel SOMETHING....anything....
I need to know you still feel.....
I atleast need you to feel sympathy....some sort of sympathy.
I need your family who tells me they love me, to realize they hid this from me too.
I need them to know I didn't deserve this.
I need them to stop putting you on a pedestal like you could never do wrong.
You did wrong.
I need them to stop pretending this isn't your fault.
It's your fault.
Most of all I need the world to stop putting their input into this marriage....
I don't need your approval...any of you.
I don't need your opinions. 
I don't need you to tell me I'm better then this and can do so much better.
I need you all to sit by and watch me fail, or watch me succeed, and stand by my choices regardless.
Because I have to be able to sleep with myself at night, and I have to know I did what I felt was best, not just for me...but for my son...for you....for this family....
I need to be able to sleep....I really really need sleep.
And I need to be able to look in the mirror and know I didn't give up when I wasn't sure I should have.

I feel like if I was the one who would have cheated during the deployment, the whole world would damn me to hell.I would be that horrible whore wife who couldn't keep her legs closed during a deployment. But I did. I did.. I did everything I could to make this deployment the best it could be for you. And you..you betrayed me...you betrayed our vows...you disrespected our family. You hurt me.. but most of all you stole the sacradness of a family from our son. And for that I am mad. That's right I'm mad. Instead of being villified...or damned to hell...you are held to be an amazing man... someone who "has too much on his plate"....someone who is "going through a lot"...someone who is tired and overworked and stressed out.

You think I'm not tired? You think I don't have a lot on my plate...you think I'm not completely defeated by a year long deployment, raising a newborn alone, waiting for my husband to come home, just to find out about HER!? You think I feel good? You think my plate is empty? IM TIRED. IM TIRED AND IM STRESSED AND I FEEL DEFEATED. I feel dead inside. I feel like I dont even have the right to hurt anymore. I feel like I'm not supposed to be mad or sad or angry or hurt, because you don't give a shit about ANYTHING... and if I give up, who does our son have? Who does he have to root for this family and pray to god you pull your head out of your ass and realize what you are throwing away by being "tired...and stressed...and not giving a fuck about anything."
I have to care, because If I don't....noone will.. and if noone does...then he has noone. And he doesn't deserve this. He didn't do this...he didn't ask for this. And the one person who DID do this...just doesn't care. I'm so tired of feeling guilty that you lost friends, that you fought this war, that you went through so much...and that your not the same anymore. Everyday I wake up feeling like I need to be the one to save you...I need to be the one to bring you back to life and make you feel again. I'm tired of feeling like I need to be your hero, but the truth is...more then anything...more then anyone, I WANT TO SAVE YOU. Because I believe the fight your fighting with your own mind, is real, and valid and tragic. You may not want to admit it, your family may not want to admit it, the army WONT admit it, everyone can ignore it. But I know it's real, I know it's there, and I know you know it's there.

YOU FOUGHT A WAR....SO DID I! Everyday I'm at war with my own mind...trying to decide what is best. Do I leave the man who betrayed me and had an affair in the dust, say fuck this family and move on? Or Do I continue to fight this war, and hope that you realize you need to start caring because someone loves you more then anyone else ever will...and someone wants you to be you again. Someone wants you to be the husband and father you would of been before you left for Afghanistan? If anyone feels pride and sorrow for the men who go off to war and loose friends, loose limbs, loose time with their family, trust me--I DO! I feel for them. I think of them on a daily basis. But very few people ever think of the families they leave behind...and the wars we will be fighting when these men return. The war doesn't end when they come home. I'm still fighting it.


Monday, September 12, 2011

"Do you feel safe"

Not too long ago my husband was home visiting. He was holding me in bed. He softly spoke into my ear, and asked me "Do you feel safe?" For just that moment...I felt safe. I felt like everything in the world would find it's place and we would once again know the happiness of our love.

Sometimes I feel so completely lost in the world.
I feel as though I could simply be left behind.
Most of all I find myself questioning the world... motives, goals, peoples perspective, but most of all peoples integrity. 

I am constantly trying to be a superhero; saving people from themselves...saving myself....from myself. I wish I could turn back the hands on the clock, and return to a time when I innocently had no idea the mistakes I was making... the mistakes we were both naively making....the fights that never should of occurred and the issues that only existed in our minds.

I find myself valuing the concept of family, more then I ever anticipated I would. My parents divorced when I was quite young. My family has never been extremely close. I find myself longing for oh so much better for my son. I find myself loosing my cool when that concept seems to be dust in the wind to other people. I want nothing more then to give my son EVERYTHING in the world. Most of all a happy, whole family.

I wish that I could shake you...and show you what this is all about. I wish I could snap you out of this fog. I'm tired of hearing the words "he talked about how amazing you were and how much he loved you, the entire deployment." Where did that disperse? I find myself questioning oh so many things, and wondering how I can get that back. I want to see you happy. But more then anything I want to be the one making you happy. I want to save you. I want to save us. I want to save this. Most of all I want to feel like you are not a stranger...that my husband didn't disappear in Afghanistan never to be seen again.  Where are you? Can you hear me? Are you out there? Someone send a search party....my husband... my best friend..he is missing...gone... we need him. Someone tell him we need him. Someone tell him we miss him.

It pains me to hear someone I love so much say to me that they have no motivation for anything in life. A man who I always admired so much for his passion and his fierce drive....now seems to have none of that. I want to see you find yourself again. I want to see you smile like you did long before this deployment. I want to see your heart again...and I long to hear your old laugh. I want to know that you are not gone. There once was a man who smiled in the face of adversity and always had the passion to get not only himself, but the people around him...through anything. Where is that man? He seems to no longer exist. I hope he knows this is temporary. I hope he knows I remember him, and I know he will someday come back. That is the man I want my son to know... The man who was faithful to his family, and had such an amazing outlook on life... that's the hero I want my son to know... that's the man we miss...the man we idolize and the man we love.

I don't want to leave you behind. You would enjoy that. Feeling like everyone has given up, and you can now go on with your life...hating the world...and never again being yourself. I won't give up. If not for myself, if not for you....for our baby boy. He deserves to know the amazing man you once were...and once again can be.

In a marriage where things are constantly "being fixed" and then being given up on... I find myself hoping stability comes along. I find myself hoping for so many things. Most of all I find myself feeling comletely lost, because everything I knew seems to be such a distant memory.

I so badly want to feel safe again.


Monday, August 15, 2011

Problems and Prayers

The last fourteen months of my life have been hectic, complicating, challenging, and overall tiring. From deployment, to raising a baby alone, to separation, reconciliation, and trying to find myself...I just seem to be more lost now then ever.

I keep searching for answers to question I don't even know if I'm ready to ask. I keep hoping things will magically fix themselves and I'll wake up from this horrid nightmare I feel I am existing in.
I want to be so many things in life...and I want to be them all...PERFECTLY.
I struggle with repairing this marriage, because trust is lost and communication has always been lacking. There is nothing more in this world, that I want...then to find 'us' again, and move past all of the things that have happened. But sometimes I simply feel depleted. I feel like no matter how much I give, will I ever be enough? This will take time, and I keep expecting miracles over night. I want to find my passion. I want to find my way. I want to make something amazing out of myself. I want to be the best mother I can possibly be. I want to be everything, perfectly.

And sometimes...I wish I could just stop. Stop thinking, stop over-thinking, stop trying to be everyone's savior, and everyone's right hand woman. Most of all I want to be able to turn to someone and tell them exactly how crazy I'm driving myself, by trying to be everything...to everyone, including myself. I have these outrageous expectations for myself, and when I can't live up to them, I feel like such a failure. Sometimes I just want to scream and let it all out. Sometimes I want a break from all the mess and clutter in my mind, and just have a day of peace. I just want peace.

Tonight I feel so cluttered and messy in my mind, and all I could think was about my want for simple peace. My need for diarrhea of the brain, so that I can just be free. So I decided that all I can do is pray. All I can do is put my hopes and dreams and faith and trust into the one man who has never left, Amen.....Literally. 

So tonight, like many nights, I have prayed. I've prayed most nights for the last two years...but tonight it was different. I put my everything into that prayer...I poured all of the weight on my shoulders out and I hoped to feel relief.
I don't. I mean..I feel a little better...but I think it's going to take some time for me to feel relief from prayer.

I think the most important things in life are not things at all... 
Life is not about what we do...where we live...what we have...or who we know.
Life is about our relationships.
It's about the people we love...
the people who mean the most to us...
the people who keep us going...

And so today, I hope for all of you, to truly appreciate the relationships in your life.
Put all of your problems up to God,
and take the time to truly appreciate and love the relationships that surround you.
Everything in life is replaceable, except for people.

I guess I will leave you with this for now...
Pray tonight. Pray for whatever you need to. Pray for peace. Most of all pray for the relationships you are lucky enough to embrace.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Short and Sweet.

Big bear is back at Fort Campbell. Baby bear is healed from surgery. And my heart is in both places. I wish so purely that our family was already back together under one roof, putting a new foot forward, but I know it is not our time yet.

It is hard to be six hundred miles away from your husband, and be trying so hard after a year long deployment and six months on and off of separation. Honestly, I began to feel it was impossible... but something inside of me says this is very possible. There is so much love inside of me for this little family, and for that man, that I know anything is possible. And so everyday I wake up, put on the most positive attitude I can muster up, and I give my all to connecting the dots and connecting to my husband. Most days I recall a little reason in which I first fell in love with him, and for me that helps.

I am anxiously awaiting his return from recruiter school, so we know where he will be stationed. I hope it's somewhere new and exciting. Most of all I just want my family back together.

I have to say thank you to the amazing readers who have stuck with me from the beginning of this journey... But most of all I have to say I LOVE YOU to the friends I have had, who day in and day out have stuck out every bit of this. I have some amazing friends, who have heard me cry, seen me laugh, and helped me in ways they will never know, as they have always and still continue to support me, my family and my (hopefully) healing marriage. You guys are amazing, and you know who you are... It is you guys who have made me strong enough to survive this deployment, separation, and reconciliation. Without the love and faith and prayers of you guys, I would be off a bridge somewhere! I LOVE YOU ALL!


Friday, August 5, 2011


It's been so long since I have updated. Truth is, I've thought about updating for some time now... but life has been so crazy and such an adventure that I don't even know where to start. Now it's time to CATCH UP.

I guess I'll start abruptly with some dull updates about what's been happening.

Baby bear had surgery. He had to be circumsized at six months due to being premature. Long story short, shortly after that surgery, they discover one of his testicles was no longer descended. So about a week ago they went into correct that, and also discovered a small hernia. Now baby boys testicles are healthy and...down. The first couple days of recovery were touch and go, but he is back to being an active bouncing bear.

My husband came to Michigan from Fort Campbell for the surgery. We'd been discussing having a sit down for a couple weeks prior to this. We had a sit down...or five. We let it all out. Put everything on the table. We cried, we yelled, we argued, we hurt, we got answers, we discovered new questions, and we decided to start the uphill battle to fixing our family. 
Deep down, we both have an abundance of love for each other. We're major parts of each others lives, and have been together since we were kids. In all these years together, we have grown, changed, evolved, but most of all messed up. We both have had our insecurities, we both have had our share of "boo-boos" and we both have had our share of MAJOR FUCK UPS. After all this time, we have broken up, made up, and as I've said quite blatantly, fucked up.

However, after eight years of being together, I think these last few months I have learned some of the most valuable lessons of my life. I can't keep depending on people to make me who I am. At some point I have to stand on my own two feet and allow people to accept me for who I am. I think I have always looked for the approval of the people I love most, hoping they won't leave. This separation from my husband has shown me, that even the people you least expect, can walk out. And you have to be prepared to survive in your own skin. I have learned that it is important to see the bigger picture, and to always view things from both sides. It's important to let a little sand slip through the cracks, and not always take life so seriously. Sometimes I have been so consumed with the fear of loosing people, that I force myself to be lost.

At the end of the day, I am happy to say, everything is out on the table, and my husband and I are taking things a day at a time. I have never loved someone more then I love that man, and having my family be whole again is something I have prayed for more times then I can count. People make mistakes, people hurt each other, people use poor judgment....but at the end of it all, things have a way of working themselves out...or so I hope.

This is an uphill battle, and I know it won't be easy. But the reality is, I would love to wake up next to him every single day, and watch our children grown old together. My husband leaves for recruiting school next month. We have a list of places we'd love to go. Mostly I'd like to be out of Michigan, exploring somewhere new with my husband and son. After all, it is the army...we do have the chance to live somewhere new and adventurous...why not take it? Hopefully by November or December we will all be together again. I miss falling asleep next to him. I miss so many little things about him, that I have for quite some time, taken for granted. 

In other news, I want so badly to go back to school. I want to make something amazing out of myself, and I'd love to be working. I admire being a full time mom, and wouldn't trade this time with my son for the world, but the fact of the matter is, it's not a paying job, and sometimes I need a break too. And by break, I mean, time out of the house. However, financial aid has once again screwed me over, and they doubt I will be getting "confirmed amounts" but the time payments are due, so that too is on hold.

Sometimes I feel like my life is constantly on hold. I'd love to be with my husband, RIGHT NOW...but it's just not logical. Why move to move again? I wish I could reasonably answer this with: to have my family together.... but I know we can't afford to keep moving...and he is staying with friends until he goes to school anyways.
So being a family is on hold.
Going to school is on hold.
I hate being on hold.

I miss my friends in Tennessee...and Wisconsin...and California...And wherever else they may be. I miss them terribly. Some of the best friends I have ever had came from my time at Fort Campbell with my husband. I miss Friday night poker at our best of best friends house...and outings with the SKIS. 

I hope to see old friends in good time, being close to my husband again, and get my life back on track and moving in a positive direction. I also hope to keep updating this, and hopefully watch things fall back into place.

In the mean time, I have plenty of reading to catch up on and I hope you are all doing well.

Long Lost,