Saturday, April 23, 2011

Questioning Everything

[Disclaimer] It's been so long since I've blogged. It's not that I haven't written. I just haven't blogged. I guess I felt like I needed to get some things out, and they were just far to emotional and meaningful and person for me to blog about. I miss my blog. I miss feeling like my writing had purpose and I had something worth while to say.
[And now on to the real stuff]

There are so many people in the world. Why is it so easy to feel alone? Even in a city you know like the back of your's so easy to feel lost. I don't understand. I don't think I've ever felt so alone, or so lost in my entire life. I have people who love me, and would go to the end of the earth to help me...but I feel so lonely.
Sometimes, I think there is only one person you really need. Sometimes there is only one person you feel can help you make it through...or one person you WANT to listen. What do you do when that one person just doesn't care? How do you heal that emptiness? There comes a point in every situation, where it's do or die. Sometimes your just so exhuasted you need someone else to carry the load. Can you hear me? I need you to just take a little weight off my back...can you help me? Are you out there? What do you do when there's no answer? Do you drive on? Do you hold onto hope and faith, and know that at some point they will see you struggling and it will hit them?

I feel alone. I feel like no one can possibly understand what I am feeling, and no body has tried. I feel like the more I struggle with my emotions and my questions, the further I become from the people who mean the most to me. Can you care too much? Do you sometimes sacrifice your own well being, by caring far too much? I have always been a caring person. It hurts my heart to see others struggle, and unhappy. I know I would gladly be miserable to make the ones I love happy. But can a person really live like that? Can you really invest all of your car into others, and compromise yourself?

I think sometimes we want to get through to people who just aren't willing. They don't want to see the truth. They are so focused on seeing hate and anger, that they refuse to see love and care. It's so frustrating to want someone to understand something so bad, that you want to PHYSICALLY SHAKE THEM into reality.

I wish I had the answers. I wish I could get through to you. I wish I didn't constantly feel so alone.

Until next time...

<3 AA

Thursday, April 7, 2011


On a warm summer's evenin' on a train bound for nowhere
I met up with the gambler, we were both too tired to sleep
So we took turns a starin' out the window at the darkness
'Til boredom overtook us and he began to speak

He said, "Son, I've made a life, out of readin' people's faces
And knowin' what their cards were by the way they held their eyes
So if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of aces
For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice"

So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light
And the night got deathly quiet and his face lost all expression
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, you gotta learn to play it right"

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done

Every gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep

'Cause every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep

And when he finished speakin', he turned back towards the window
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep
And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run

You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done

This song has been stuck in my head for over a week now.
I've found it's relevance to me.
And I love it. I will probobly listen to this atleast another ten times today.
I'll go more into depth later....


Ps. Thank you Kenny Rogers

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Let's. Recap.

Well, let's just say it's been some time since I've posted anything of real substance. My life has been a real roller coaster this last year and I feel confident in saying I am finally on a steady path. To put it blatantly I had a hard time excepting the realities that my family was now broken, my dreams shattered, and everything I wished for my son and his parents, dead. Today I stand confident in my decisions, choices, actions and future. I know that new dreams are born, new wishes can be made, and new aspirations. I know that love will find me, and I will be stronger, and smarter.

In May I will be starting some classes. I'm actually very excited. It is nice to be able to focus on myself for the first time in a very long time. I don't mean that selfishly either. It's not that I am resentful for what I invested in my marriage or my husband...I am just glad to be able to invest in myself now.
In 11th grade, I left high school to move with my (then boyfriend, now...ex husband to be) to stay with him in TN for the year prior to his Iraq deployment. When he left, I moved back to Michigan and finished my last year of high school. When I graduated high school he came home. When he came home, I left my full time job, my college dreams, and my family to be with get support his every dream. I never once regret it. I never once hated my choice.
But I do think it's time I do something to support MY dreams.

I spent the majority of that relationship being under appreciated and overly obsessed with making everyone else happy. I would of sacrificed my soul to see him smile. What I never saw, was how my self esteem and self worth was slowly being chipped away at. I think when you put so much of yourself into someone else, and receive so little appreciation back, you compromise your very being. Being on the outside, looking in now, I can see just how long it's been since I've been myself. There are so many things about myself, that I never got to be in that relationship. I truly missed me. It seems almost delusional to say, but it's never felt so good to be me.

I spent my entire marriage trying to live up to standards. "What a good house wife would do", What he wanted, what made his job easier, what made his life easier, what made him happier, what made him succeed, what was good for him, what was good for the army...
I never once had the self esteem, or drive to worry about what made ME happy, or what would make ME succeed.

I will forever be a person who puts other before myself. I will never stop living to make others laugh and smile. I will never care more about myself, then the people I love and care about....but I will remember to take care of myself. I think we take better care of others, when we remember to take care of ourselves. 
And there is nothing I love more then to see the people who mean the most to me, happy, smiling, and laughing. So from now on.... I'm just as important to myself, as those people are to me. <3

Ok, enough for tonight. I miss blogging more often. I promise to get back to this. I still have so much I want to say, but as usual I'm sorting out my thoughts.

Stay Classy America, Ireland, Israel, Germany, Afghanistan, India, Serbia & Russia.
That's right, I checked my stats...I have readers in all those places. Kinda crazy huh?
Anyways, I love you all. Across the world... <3

Monday, April 4, 2011

No I didn't say T & A...I said Q & A.

I was on no sleep. Some of these answers are ridiculously sarcastic.

What is your full name as it appears on you birth certificate:
Alyssa Noelle (ill leave my last name off since anyone and their mom can view this blog)
What do you like to be called: Alyssa..or obnoxious loving pet names like baby and sweeie and booboo.
Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake: 21...only there was no cake. How depressing...I didn't get to make a 21st birthday wish? Why didn't I realize this sooner? I was Jewed. *I mean no disrespect to any Jews out there.
Date you were born: December 27th.
What's your Sun sign: Capricorn.
Notable Events on the Day You Were Born: UHM...I WAS BORN! How much more notable could something be? As if anything could top that!
Parent's names: Candy...Really her name is Candice. Parent for me. The man who helped make me was a D bag. :)
Birthplace: Grose Point, MI, in your moms bathtub.
Hometown: Sterling Heights, MI
Current Residence: Still your moms bathtub.
Height: 5'4''
Eye color: Green.
Hair color: Blonde by choice.
Piercings: ears. had my bellybutton before baby bear. And I had my tragius before surgery happened. I could never get it back in.
Tattoos: Seven. I dont feel like explaining, but I really have the urge for a new one.
What's your most attractive feature: People comment on my eyes a lot. And THIS BAD ASS personality too!
Pets: I have a little brother whos 14. Does that count?
What are the perks of your job: I'm a full time mother right now. The perks beat out a pay ck and medical ANYday!
How much do you love your job: A LOT!
Are you an inside or outdoors person? Depends. I'd say I'm a little bit of both.
Do you have children? I have one. I want more. Like 25 more, I think.
What Laundry detergent do you use? Tide.
Color of socks: My feet are naked.
What did you want to be when you were little? A nurse. And a mommy. I always wanted to be a mommy. I'm 1 for 2. Not to shabby.

When Was The Last Time You:

Took a shower: This morning.
Danced: This afternoon.
Received flowers and from whom: My ex, at the beginning of deployment. The card should of read something like "I'm going to cheat while away, don't waste your time waiting." but it didn't. *Two thumbs down*
Watched Bambi: Never.
Got a real letter: See the RECEIVED FLOWERS question above.
Gave to charity: Goodwill. I keep that place STOCKED UP.
What did you have for breakfast? I did not eat breakfast.
What was the last movie you saw: I watched the Green Mile a few days ago. I love that movie.
From whom did you get your last e-mail? Tanning coupons.
Last person you went to dinner with? Jaxson. Mom stayed at the hospital, and Dominic is locked in his dungeon AKA bedroom.
What are you listening to right now? Jaxson snore.
Best thing that happened to you today: My son is the best thing that happens to me EVERYDAY.

What is Your Favorite:

Breakfast cereal: Peanut Butter Capt N Crunch.
Candy: I basically hate candy.
Salad Dressing: Ranch
Food: Pizza.
Cuisine: American-Italian. 
Pie: Pumpkin. or Apple.
Alcoholic beverage: Sex on the Beach, or Beer. No shots. Thanks for asking though. I do indulge in the occasional margarita too! By Occasional, I mean...DON'T give me tequila often.
Type of Ice: Vanilla? :)
Your favorite potato chip? Hate chips unless their in the form of Nachos. And in that case I like them home baked.
Ice cream: Not a huge ice cream fan.
Sobe flavor: Never had a "SOBE" in my life.
Soda: I'm currently trying to give up pop again so I can loose this tummy.
Restaurant: Yamatos in TN. Hands down. I hate sushi, but their grill is to die for. Also, Old Chicago. And Shields.
Fast Food Restaurant: I gave up fast food too.
Toothpaste: As long as my breath is fresh, we're straight.
Perfume/cologne: Black by Kenneth Cole
Accessory: A kid on my hip.
Clothes: I would live in Victoria secret sweat outfits if I didn't feel like such a bum. So those, or comfy jeans and tees.
Number: 06 and 13.
Flower: Sunflowers or Daisys
Smell: Vanilla
Song you love but are embarrassed to admit to:The Gambler- Kenny Rogers! <3
Favorite sport to watch on TV: HOCKEY!
Sport to Watch at the game: HOCKEY!
Sports team:Uhm is there any team other then the Detroit Red Wings?!
Car: My Black Dodge Nitro is my SECOND baby!
What do you want for Christmas: Love Please.
What movie makes you cry: PS I LOVE YOU, but I love that movie. It's one of my top favs!

Which Is Better:

Hot tubs or pools: Pools.
Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds please.
Coffee or Coffee Ice Cream: Coffee.
Creamy or crunchy peanut butter: Creamy.
What's the right way to eat a Reese's: I hate no way at all.
Are you a morning person or a night owl? I'll be whatever you want me to be baby ;)
Pedicure or manicure? Pedicure. and that is THE ONLY time (other then my tattoo) that someone is EVER allowed to touch my foot.
What first catches your eye in the opposite (or same) sex (ie, legs, boobs, etc): Height and then eyes.
What do you look for in a person: Respect, if you cant respect me, get the fuck out. Humor, honesty, values.
If you could be any place right now, where would you choose: TN. I miss it soooo much!
Childhood Blanket or Stuffed Animal: I'm a sucker for a teddy bear. Buy me a teddy bear, I'll marry you.
One pillow or two: The more the better..and by more I mean upwords of four.
Which came first; the chicken or the egg? My mom.
Is honesty the best policy: YES! If you can't be honest....what's the point? Why do something you're not proud of?
Are you the jealous type: If you give me a reason to be once...I will be quite a few more times.
What's your pet peeve: Disrespect. Latent, Rude, Careless Disrespect.
What are you afraid of: Being alone forever.

I was clearly bored. Now I shall sleep.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Life & Love Baby!

It's gray and rainy. And I'm in a phenomenal mood.
That is not sarcasm for those of you who personally know me and think I mean the exact oposite.
I've been rockin' out to the GAC channel all day, and it has felt amazing.
Although it just gives me another reason to miss Tennessee. :(
I will live there again someday. I feel like I belong there.
Nashville is the most amazing city in the world. (Maybe not, but of the few big cities I've seen, it tops the list.)

For the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again.
I get to simply be me.
If I want to dance ridiculously around the living room...well hell I can!
And no one is going to bitch about it.
And if I want to sing obnoxiously loud in the car,
no one is going to tell me to shut up.
Why? Because it's MY car...Because it's MY life...Because I deserve to be happy too.
I think for the longest time, I was way too concerened with making everyone else happy,
That I never worried about making me happy.
There is no room left for ornery people in my life.
I enjoy laughing waaaayyyy too much for that.
If you can't laugh with me, you sure as hell can't hang with me.
And if you don't appreciate me, you don't deserve me.

Cheers to life and love!
I know somewhere out there I will find an amazing person who will laugh with me, cry with me, and be ridiculous with me :) Someone who will love me for me, and someone who will let me steal their tee shirts, because God knows letting me wear all of your clothes is on the top of my requirements list. DUH!
Life is way to short to not have fun and to sacrifice your own happiness for someone elses.

The past is the past, and I'm never looking back.