Thursday, October 7, 2010

He laughes. I Cry.

Yesterday, I spent the entire day singing, "Happy Half Birthday To You" to my son. He spent the day laughing at me. It was rather enjoyable, and light-hearted. So there you have it, my baby boy is officially one half of a year old! I can hardly believe how the time has flown! In real time, my baby is only supposed to be four months old, but in our time, *since he came 7 weeks early* he is a whole six months!

These past six months have been full of trial and tribulation, triumph and failure. But mostly, they have been full of the best memories I could ever imagine. Of course, my husband being here, would have made them better, but we deal with what we are delt. I have watched Baby J grow from a tiny 4 pound peanut in the nicu, into what I like to call my baby bear! He has filled my grueling months of longing and sadness (due to deployment) with joy and fun. His smile lights up my day, and his laugh lightens my load.
Of course, there are times when I'm exhausted, and strained. Times when I want nothing more then a drink, and a night out. Nights, when I want nothing more then sleep, and days when I want nothing more then silence, however, I would not trade those late nights rocking him to sleep, or those long days of whining, for the world. The past six months have taught me to cherish every moment. (Hence those words being tattooed to my foot!) I know, in no time at all, he will be too big to rock, to old to want mommy, and to grown to need me. But for the time being, I'm latching onto ever second of him being little.

As you can see, yesterday was bitter sweet for me. I celebrated the six months I have had. I celebrated his growth, his progress, and his achievements. I mourned the days when my husband was here to help, the days my husband held him, and hell...the days my husband was here to hold me. But today, I'm looking forward. Forward to my baby turning into a little boy, forward to the memories that are yet to come, and forward to the days my husband will be here to enjoy this journey we have created.

Emotional old me, got to thinking last night. What if? What if my husband doesn't make it back? What if we loose our hero? What if he never gets to celebrate this journey with us? I cried. I needed a good cry. It's been quite some time. I have held myself together, refused tears, refused the what ifs? I need it. It was like a release of so many things. So in the dark, alone, I cried. And after words, I pulled myself together. I picked up our baby boy, and I laughed. Do I sound crazy yet? I laughed, because he was laughing. I laughed because he put his hand on my face as if to embrace me. I laughed for my husband. I laughed. I found confidence, I found pride, and I found hope. My husband IS coming home to us. He IS going to enjoy this journey. He IS going to be here until we are old and gray! Why? Because I said so. Because I have faith in him. Because I have faith in God. Because I know he is supposed to be here. Because I know our story does not end just yet. I know that we have more things to endure, more memories to make, more time. I'm holding my head high today. I'm keeping that faith in my back pocket. I refuse to acknowledge the what if's.

There are times in life when we learn very valuable lessons. Today I learned. Maybe, I have always know, but today it made itself ever so clear. Maybe I can thank this deployment. Maybe I can thank my emotions, maybe I can thank no body but my self, however, today's lesson was worth learning....

My husband and I have been together for seven years. Seven. We're in our early twenties. Not many people under the age of 23, can say they have been with their soul mate for seven years. I'm grateful for this. I think sometimes in our day to day lives, we forget to be thankful. Today I am thankful. Thankful for the life my husband has provided us. Thankful for love. Thankful for family. Thankful for being thankful. Sometimes we need to stop the hecticness, and just be grateful.
While passing a church sign, I noticed a quote the other night. It truly spoke to me...
"You are not rich in life, until you have the things, money cannot buy."
I'm rich! I'm stinkin' RICH! I never thought I would say it..but I AM!

I have an amazing husband, who puts his life on the line. Not for a paycheck, not for health care, not because he couln't find a job. My husband chose the army, long before he graduated high school. He longed for it. It was all he ever wanted. I'm thankful for the person my husband is, the job he does, and the way he makes me feel.
I have a full of life, happy -go- lucky little boy. He is healthy, he is growing, and he is amazing.
I have a wonderful family. A mother who would stop at nothing to make her children happy.
I have love. I have faith. I have hope. I have things others only dream of.
I am rich.

So today, I leave you with this....
No matter what is going on, how crazy your day becomes, or how stressed out you may be. Be thankful. Be thankful for the things that money cannot buy, and the people you could never replace. All of your troubles will be there when you wake up...I promise, they are going nowhere. Today, laugh. Hold your children. Call your mother. Celebrate the things we have been given, and the times we have had. Embrace the memories that are yet to come, forget about the bills. Don't let anything bring you down. Because, I bet, you too are rich!

AA <3

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