I guess I'll start abruptly with some dull updates about what's been happening.
Baby bear had surgery. He had to be circumsized at six months due to being premature. Long story short, shortly after that surgery, they discover one of his testicles was no longer descended. So about a week ago they went into correct that, and also discovered a small hernia. Now baby boys testicles are healthy and...down. The first couple days of recovery were touch and go, but he is back to being an active bouncing bear.
My husband came to Michigan from Fort Campbell for the surgery. We'd been discussing having a sit down for a couple weeks prior to this. We had a sit down...or five. We let it all out. Put everything on the table. We cried, we yelled, we argued, we hurt, we got answers, we discovered new questions, and we decided to start the uphill battle to fixing our family.
Deep down, we both have an abundance of love for each other. We're major parts of each others lives, and have been together since we were kids. In all these years together, we have grown, changed, evolved, but most of all messed up. We both have had our insecurities, we both have had our share of "boo-boos" and we both have had our share of MAJOR FUCK UPS. After all this time, we have broken up, made up, and as I've said quite blatantly, fucked up.
However, after eight years of being together, I think these last few months I have learned some of the most valuable lessons of my life. I can't keep depending on people to make me who I am. At some point I have to stand on my own two feet and allow people to accept me for who I am. I think I have always looked for the approval of the people I love most, hoping they won't leave. This separation from my husband has shown me, that even the people you least expect, can walk out. And you have to be prepared to survive in your own skin. I have learned that it is important to see the bigger picture, and to always view things from both sides. It's important to let a little sand slip through the cracks, and not always take life so seriously. Sometimes I have been so consumed with the fear of loosing people, that I force myself to be lost.
At the end of the day, I am happy to say, everything is out on the table, and my husband and I are taking things a day at a time. I have never loved someone more then I love that man, and having my family be whole again is something I have prayed for more times then I can count. People make mistakes, people hurt each other, people use poor judgment....but at the end of it all, things have a way of working themselves out...or so I hope.
This is an uphill battle, and I know it won't be easy. But the reality is, I would love to wake up next to him every single day, and watch our children grown old together. My husband leaves for recruiting school next month. We have a list of places we'd love to go. Mostly I'd like to be out of Michigan, exploring somewhere new with my husband and son. After all, it is the army...we do have the chance to live somewhere new and adventurous...why not take it? Hopefully by November or December we will all be together again. I miss falling asleep next to him. I miss so many little things about him, that I have for quite some time, taken for granted.
In other news, I want so badly to go back to school. I want to make something amazing out of myself, and I'd love to be working. I admire being a full time mom, and wouldn't trade this time with my son for the world, but the fact of the matter is, it's not a
Sometimes I feel like my life is constantly on hold. I'd love to be with my husband, RIGHT NOW...but it's just not logical. Why move to move again? I wish I could reasonably answer this with: to have my family together.... but I know we can't afford to keep moving...and he is staying with friends until he goes to school anyways.
So being a family is on hold.
Going to school is on hold.
I hate being on hold.
I miss my friends in Tennessee...and Wisconsin...and California...And wherever else they may be. I miss them terribly. Some of the best friends I have ever had came from my time at Fort Campbell with my husband. I miss Friday night poker at our best of best friends house...and outings with the SKIS.
I hope to see old friends in good time, being close to my husband again, and get my life back on track and moving in a positive direction. I also hope to keep updating this, and hopefully watch things fall back into place.
In the mean time, I have plenty of reading to catch up on and I hope you are all doing well.