Monday, September 12, 2011

"Do you feel safe"

Not too long ago my husband was home visiting. He was holding me in bed. He softly spoke into my ear, and asked me "Do you feel safe?" For just that moment...I felt safe. I felt like everything in the world would find it's place and we would once again know the happiness of our love.

Sometimes I feel so completely lost in the world.
I feel as though I could simply be left behind.
Most of all I find myself questioning the world... motives, goals, peoples perspective, but most of all peoples integrity. 

I am constantly trying to be a superhero; saving people from themselves...saving myself....from myself. I wish I could turn back the hands on the clock, and return to a time when I innocently had no idea the mistakes I was making... the mistakes we were both naively making....the fights that never should of occurred and the issues that only existed in our minds.

I find myself valuing the concept of family, more then I ever anticipated I would. My parents divorced when I was quite young. My family has never been extremely close. I find myself longing for oh so much better for my son. I find myself loosing my cool when that concept seems to be dust in the wind to other people. I want nothing more then to give my son EVERYTHING in the world. Most of all a happy, whole family.

I wish that I could shake you...and show you what this is all about. I wish I could snap you out of this fog. I'm tired of hearing the words "he talked about how amazing you were and how much he loved you, the entire deployment." Where did that disperse? I find myself questioning oh so many things, and wondering how I can get that back. I want to see you happy. But more then anything I want to be the one making you happy. I want to save you. I want to save us. I want to save this. Most of all I want to feel like you are not a stranger...that my husband didn't disappear in Afghanistan never to be seen again.  Where are you? Can you hear me? Are you out there? Someone send a search husband... my best friend..he is missing...gone... we need him. Someone tell him we need him. Someone tell him we miss him.

It pains me to hear someone I love so much say to me that they have no motivation for anything in life. A man who I always admired so much for his passion and his fierce seems to have none of that. I want to see you find yourself again. I want to see you smile like you did long before this deployment. I want to see your heart again...and I long to hear your old laugh. I want to know that you are not gone. There once was a man who smiled in the face of adversity and always had the passion to get not only himself, but the people around him...through anything. Where is that man? He seems to no longer exist. I hope he knows this is temporary. I hope he knows I remember him, and I know he will someday come back. That is the man I want my son to know... The man who was faithful to his family, and had such an amazing outlook on life... that's the hero I want my son to know... that's the man we miss...the man we idolize and the man we love.

I don't want to leave you behind. You would enjoy that. Feeling like everyone has given up, and you can now go on with your life...hating the world...and never again being yourself. I won't give up. If not for myself, if not for you....for our baby boy. He deserves to know the amazing man you once were...and once again can be.

In a marriage where things are constantly "being fixed" and then being given up on... I find myself hoping stability comes along. I find myself hoping for so many things. Most of all I find myself feeling comletely lost, because everything I knew seems to be such a distant memory.

I so badly want to feel safe again.


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