This past year has brought so much change to my life. Some good, some bad, some indifferent, and some that will forever change me. People too have come and gone. I think that's all a part of life. I'm a firm believer that everyone who comes into our lives comes for a reason. They may teach you something, help you cope with something, or simply just love you. Some people are in our lives for just a short time, some forever. The best kind of people are the ones who have forever found a place in your heart...the people who reguardless of how long they stay, you will never forget.
I like to think that God has a plan for everyone. Hope and faith are the only things that help me exist in the toughest of times, and I know that I am exactly where God wants me to be. There is always a reason, and always a chance to make the best of what you have. Life is not about having perfection, life is about seeing perfection in the most imperfect times. And I like to think that imperfection is beauty. -Sometimes life is beautiful and sometimes it is a beautiful mess.- Reguardless, you always have the choice to see the beauty in the misery.
For quite some time I have struggled with finding closure from my past. Rahther it be issues with my father, my marriage or myself, closure has never come easy. I think I have always felt like I needed someone else to give me closure. Someone who hurt me, someone who betrayed me, or someone who simply changed my life in less then beautiful ways. I've come to realize that closure is my own. I can create it, I can find it, and I can achieve it, without the help of anyone else. Closure comes from within yourself. It comes from your heart, your soul, your mind, your very being. It comes from finding peace within yourself, and letting go of the anger, the pain and the problems that have once controlled you. And it is true...if we cannot find closure, our past controlls our future.
My past has haunted me for a very long time. I have struggled with knowing my self worth, and feeling confident with who I am. I don't find this irrational. A little girl whos father never cared to be around...? A father who hurt her, abandoned her, and made her a convience...How could I love myself if my own father could not? How could I feel worthy of love...worthy of confidence...worthy of anything? MY OWN FATHER DID NOT FIND ME WORTHY OF HIS TIME AND LOVE, how could I expect anyone else too? I think for a long time this has weighed on my heart. I allowed others to treat me poorly, because I didn't feel worthy of better. I allowed people to make me their door mat, patiently waiting for them to walk over me, whenever they felt like prancing through the door. I allowed people to disrespect me, because how could I command respect? I did not feel worthy of respect, or confidence, or love for that matter.
After years of feeling worthless, I have finally come to see the other side. (Some one may of helped me see the other side...thank you.) I think I finally see that I don't need anyone else to find me worthy of the things I want in life or the things I want out of love, for that matter. I do not need someone else to validate my worth (even though it feels damn good when they do). I feel like for the first time in a long time, I don't need someone else to make me feel important or special. I have realized it was my fathers loss to not love me. I would agree it was a loose-loose situation, however. I would have loved to have had a father who I could forever admire...but the truth is, I didn't... I don't, I never will....
And for once I feel at peace with that.
And for once I feel at peace with that.
I think for a long time I felt as though I was the only one who suffered from his decision to never be there. I was not. Infact, I lost much less then he did. He not only never got to know me, he will never know my son; his grandchild. He has a child and a grandchild in this world, and he will never know us. He will never know who we really are. He mearly knows of us. And that truly is a shame. I can finally see my own worth, and know that HE IS MISSING OUT. Now, I'm not going to say the lack of a father in my life was not a loss to me aswell, but I cannot change the choices of others. And I have lived my life long enough feeling like there was something wrong with me. I have lived for FAR TOO LONG feeling as though I did not deserve the love and care of my father, or any other man for that matter. I wondered if I would ever be capable of deserving love. And now I finally feel as though there was nothing I had done or could do to change that. I had irrational fears and gult for a majority of my life.
I -to some extent- feel as though I am worthy of more then just love and care. I deserve to be treated as well as I treat others. I may not be a model, I may not be super skinny, I may not be perfect, but I know my heart is beautiful. I know that I love unconditionally, I give my all to the people I care about, and I care about every person who comes into my life, reguardless of how long they stay. I know that I like to make others happy, and making someone smile or laugh, makes my day. I know that I love beyond a doubt, and I know I am worthy of all the same. I have hope, that I never again will allow someone to treat me like less then I am worth. I feel it is only right to be treated as good as you treat others. And people who don't notice your worth, or treat you like less then you deserve, DON'T DESERVE A PLACE IN YOUR LIFE.
I feel free. Almost. I know this is a journey, and I have not reached the end- I'm still walking the path. But it is definatly good to feel like some of my wounds have scabbed over and they continue to heal. It feels good to finally
know realize, that I have all along deserved love. I have deserved effort, and patience, and time, and affection. I deserve everything I have always given, and never required in return. I will (try to) never again allow myself to fall at the feet of others because I feel worthless. I have to require more of the people I care for, and I have to require more of myself. I know damn well I am capable of amazing things. I know I love beyond extrodinary means, and I know that I too deserve that kind of love in return.
My life is no longer just about making other people smile. I'll make me smile too. And I know that I will find someone who cares as much about my happiness as I do about theirs. Because after all, isn't that what loving someone is all about? Maybe for a long time love has been a false sense of security for me. I know I have loved. I know I have been in love. But I do not know if I have known love this way before. I don't think I have ever before realized that love shouldn't conquour you. You should not have to sacrafice your own happiness to please someone else. If you cannot simply be you and be loved for it, are you being loved at all? Sometimes I feel like so much of me has changed because of past relationships. Past loves. And
sometimes I miss those parts of me. But I am comfortable knowing, I now get to be me, and watch someone fall in love with me for exactly who I am, exactly as I am, without requiring me to dote on their every need and want; without making me compramise myself. I'm no longer worried about being everything to someone else. I am more concerned with being myself, and allowing THAT to mean everything to someone, somewhere, someday.
"Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope."