Monday, June 27, 2011


So reacently I have come to realize I might be a little angry...and by might be...I mean I am...and by a little, I mean a lot.

I often think about the funeral of a good friends husband. A good father, a good friend, a good man. I think about how I sat in that funeral home so full of sadness. Yet, I can't help but remember how thankful I was. I was so thankful he did what he did, so thankful my husband was alive, and he made that sacrafice so other fathers, and friends could come home. I felt guilty for being thankful.  How could I be thankful at a time like this?
And now, I am angry. I am angry that this good man made this heroic sacrafice, for my husband to come home and leave his family. I am angry that we had a chance this man never had, and yet MY HUSBAND took this chance away from me, away from our son....away from himself.
Who does he think he is? Alive and safe...and giving up...walking away.
Walking away from people who loved him so very much.
People who admired him, and prayed for him... people who were not supposed to be disposable.
I am angry that for eight years, I have given everything to this man..
Who in the end took the single most important thing from me.
My family.

The ball was this past weekend. And I'm angry. I'm angry that I didn't get to be there, with I'd planned for such a long time. It was something I'd looked forward to all of deployment. Dressing up, and feeling beautiful. Celebrating my huband being home. Being in the company of such brave men, and amazing wives.
I'm angry this was another memory I did not get to make.
It's just like homecoming. Something I so long waited for, taken.
When my husband went to Iraq, we were only dating. I wasn't at homecomin, because his family wanted it to be just them. So this time, it would have been so amazing to experience.
But again, I was not there.

I'm angry that for an entire deployment, my support, my tears, my prayers went un-acknowleged..
by a man who came home and "disposed" of me.
All of the things I so longed for, never came.
Sure he came home...good and safe...
(and for that I am forever thankful)
But he didn't come home to me.
He chose not too.
And somehow, I feel so robbed.
He had a choice... he got to choose...
And he didn't choose to be with us.
Why was I a CHOICE?!?
Sometimes I just don't understand.
I'm so very angry...
Or maybe I'm just hurt.
I feel like for so long, all I did was support him and make myself available to his needs.
And in the end, it wasn't enough..
And I was robbed of the memories I planned on making.
Maybe that sounds a little selfish, I'm sorry if it does.
But the truth is..
For the majority of a year, all I could think about was his safety and well-being.
I drempt of the homecoming, and what it would feel like..what I would say.
I dreampt of feeling gorgous at that ball..
And celebrating the fact that he was home and okay.
I never got it.
I somehow feel stuck in this deployment.
Like it's never-ending..
Because I drempt of the end being him coming home to us..
And he is not here.
We are not together.
I am not celebrating.
Is it pathetic to be angry?

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