Sunday, May 22, 2011


I often find myself thinking about what could of been, what should of been, and what will never be. I hate that. I hate regret... I try to live without it, but regret is like a cavity, and once you have it, it's there for keeps. I keep reminding myself that could of, would of and should of...are NOT, so why bother entertaining those thoughts. I guess some things in life are just enevitable.

Lately, I find myself struggling with what I could of done with my life. What chances did I loose, that I can't ever get back? It doesn't matter, I know. But curiosity is a bitch. I guess lately I have been questioning all kinds of things...

Pain mostly.

I've written previously about how much I fear it. Yet, I always find myself in the most vulnerable positions...
I often care about people I know will hurt me. I do things I know will never get me to the places I want to be, simply because they are convient and often tempting. I know that I have this overwhleming want to love. Once I love you, I will go to the ends of earth to care for you...reguardless of the fact that you will eventually hurt me. I once again, cannot help but question why? Why put myself in such a vulnerable position... to care so much for people who will eventually dissapoint me and hurt me. Why set myself up for heartach?

Can't a girl ever find peace?!

I was so incredibly consumed with loving my husband. I invested my heart, my soul, my future and my dreams into my marriage. I left a comfortable home, my family, my dreams of college, my full time job, and my common sense to run away, get married, be the perfect wife, and support his military dreams. I left everything I thought I was... because my heart told me too. Even when I felt my marriage slipping away, I invested my hope, my faith, and my trust into that man. I do not regret it. But in the end, I am left with nothing, except an amazing son and a broken heart. And don't get me wrong, I would not trade the broken heart for my son...but I would have liked to have seen a different outcome. Afterall, who wants a broken heart...lost dreams...and a failed marriage on there resume? (I wish I knew how to put the little line over that e so that looked correct.)

I wish I knew where I was giong with this. I feel scatter brained. My head is in a million places right now, and sometimes I just wish I knew the answer before the question. However, the question remains...

Do we put ourselves in vulnerable positions and know we will get hurt, or do we air on the side of caution and forget the journey all together?

I was trying to live my life on this new theory, that "You only live once..." But hell, who wants to live a life full of bad decisions, simply because we're trying to be carefree? I know I'll find a happy medium.. I'm just wondering WHEN?!


  1. You're a wonderful writer! And I needed to read this tonight, just to know someone else questions things like I do. So, thank you for being so honest in your blog. :) Sending a blog hug to you!

  2. What a gorgeous post! Beautiful writing. I think sometimes we put ourselves in harm's way because we hope/think we're going to get something positive out of it. If we don't find the happiness, I think we immediately shut down to avoid any more pain. Thanks for being so honest!


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