So I haven't been posting these last couple months like I usually do. I think that I have needed to find a little bit of peace on my own before writing about all of this. This entire process has been a rollar coaster of emotions, and I have finally stepped off. It took a long time for me to decide to give up on hope and let go of all I had pictured for my family, but I am to be where I am today. My life has finally hit the calm after the storm, and I have amazing people in my life making me smile and keeping me strong every single day.
While I cannot say I have found closure, I know that I'm on the right path. I have let go of the anger that has kept me from healing...but most importantly I have given up on believing the person I have known all these years is still there. War is a hard thing. It's hard on the economy, it's hard on the soldiers, and it's hard on the families. Most importantly it is hard on the minds of everyone involved. Some people go to war, and come home CLOSE to the same person they left, some leave and come home completely different. Regardless, no one comes home exactly the same.
On that note, I need to be the best me I can be, and I cannot keep worrying about saving him. It's not my job. I need to save myself. As most of you know I have struggled with the guilt of how war has changed him, the guilt of letting go, the guilt of breaking up my sons family, and the guilt of not "fixing" him. I can't do this to myself anymore.
I guess this leads us back to my Kenny Rogers song, which has been my "go-to" for the last couple months.
KR says it best.
"Every gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep
'Cause every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep"
"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done"
The truth is, you can make a winning situation out of everything. No matter what you're handed in life, you can either choose to win with it, or loose with it. But you HAVE to know when to walk away, you have to know when enough is enough, and when to give up. I'm taking my deuces and peacing out. I fold. And I consider it a win. Sometimes the best thing you can do is look out for yourself, and stop worrying about saving everyone else.
I know I keep posting that I will blog more, but things have been hectic and I feel like I'm not writting like myself lately. Hopefully I get myself back in all of this.