In a Perfectly-Imperfect World

In the perfect world, I would be Carrie Bradshaw.

I would write and the whole world would listen.
My words would be publicized in amazing magazines.
I would be completely secure with myself, and my life.
I would own lavish dresses, made by fancy people.
I'd wear expensive shoes with red bottoms.

And those shoes would walk the streets of New York City....

With the best friends a girl could ever ask for.
My Mac book would accompany me in bed, on nights when I cannot sleep.
And I would end each day with words of wisdom,
Summarizing the facts of life.

It all sounds so wonderful.
However John James Preston "Big", would have married me years ago.
I'd fill my luxury New York City apartment with babies.
I'd trade in my Manolo Blahnik's for practical shoes,
and I'd only wear Louis to fancy expensive date nights with my husband.

Hell, in all reality, I don't think I would trade places with Carrie Bradshaw.

I'd choose to have met my husband seven years ago, and to have married at 18.
I'd choose our pick-up-and-go army life.
I'd be more then satisfied with babies, and blue jeans.

I guess where I'm going with this is...

Things are not always greener on the other side.

It's so easy these days to look at someone else and admire what they have.
I wished the world still lived with the values of the fifties.
People did not have much...
But they valued what they had...their families, and their homes.
We live in a world full of glamor and substance.
And people forget to enjoy the things that are not actually things.


I love you Carrie Bradshaw. I really do.
I admire your presence, and your confidence.
I dream of your job with Vogue.
And laying in bed on a Mac Book, writing things people love to read.
I admire the way you carry yourself, and the friends you have.
But I would not trade my life for yours.

I think sometimes, the most important thing we can do,
Is to stop wishing for more and for better...
And look around at what we have been blessed with.


It's easy to admire someone elses life, if you haven't taken the time to admire your own.


Appreciative, AA <3

Short and Sweet

Little bear didn't sleep last night, and today he seems to be coming down with a cold...so I'm not anticipating much sleep tonight either. I'll keep this rather short, since I'm exhausted and don't feel like going into depth about tonights thought.

In my short life, I have witnessed so many people who think it is okay to treat others like total.....crap.
And I don't think I have ever really taken the time to realize just how wrong this is.
Since when do people think it's okay to walk all over people who love them?
I feel like every time I turn around there is an amazing person being treated like...crap, by someone they treat rather well.
I guess this all really just goes along with my rant about how people continue to take others for granted...but it really has been bothering me lately.

Why do people have so many nice things to say once your dead....
But treat you like shit, and say the meanest things, while your alive and can feel the pain those words cause?

Everyone thought my uncle was crazy before he died. Talked about how he was loosing his mind. I'm fairly positive none of us took the time to tell him how much we'd miss him if he were gone, or how much we loved him, and how funny he was. We didn't take the time to tell him how his funny expressions make us laugh. But now, when my son makes that funny face...I think of him instantly, and regret never saying things. I wish we didn't always learn these lessons, when it was too late...

<3 AA

The moments that matter

I know I just updated and all...but I just had a moment, that I could not pass up sharing.
And it kind of goes along with what I just blogged about..


My son woke up and wouldn't allow me to rock him back to sleep. So I resorted to the old, tiny bit of bottle trick. I made a quick bottle, and scooped him up in my arms. I sat down on the couch and removed his bink.I set it next to us. And began to give him his bottle. About half way through, he stopped looking at me, and began to stare off into space. I figured he was just getting sleepy, before I realized what he was really up too!
His bink was exactly his arms length away. I watched his little tiny fingers fiddle with the nipple, and then the edges. He was working so hard at getting it! He never stopped to look back at me, or even at that bink! He just continued to fiddle, until he had it. And then he pulled it up to his mouth and held it right there next to his bottle. He left it there, until the last drop of milk was gone, and I removed the bottle. Then he placed his bink into his mouth and fell right to sleep.


It's the moments like these that I live for. The moments that some don't understand, and will never cherish.
These are the moments that make me smile, no matter what is going on, and appreciate every second I have with my little boy, cuddled up in my arms.
Somethings are irreplaceable. Most of those things...are not things at all.
THIS was one of those things!

I have spent my fare share of gripes on getting no sleep, on a screaming baby who cannot be calmed, on late nights of rocking and feeding..but as these late night moments start to fade, and occur less and less...I begin to miss them more and more. I miss the entire house being dark and calm and quiet, and sharing that intimate time with my baby...where it's just the two of us. Cuddled Close. Experiencing something that matters so much.

I leave you with that tonight. In hopes that everyone has the chance to experience a moment, of any kind...that others would take for granted, but you- you stop to realize what it's really worth, and enjoy its every second. <3

Goodnight,

<3 AA

Just clearing my mind.

The last couple months have brought a lot of pain and hurt to many people.
Among those emotions, are pride, and hope, and admiration.
Some have laughed about memories passed.
Some of have reminiced about good times.
I think mostly, we have all cried.
I have done all of the above.
I admire the men that were lost, I admire their families for their strength and courage. I admire their wives and children, for the battles they will continue to fight each and everyday as they walk down the path of coping, and carrying on.
Most importantly I have learned.

I have learned that you never take a person you love for granted.
You never ever stop appreciating what they are in your life.
Close your eyes and imagine them vanished forever, and then tell me how much they piss you off.
Tell me how much they upset you, or frustrate you. Tell me then that you just don't care.
I have learned just how little...the little things mean, when it comes to that argument, or that fight.
Choose your battles. Some are just not worth it.

I have come to see that nothing in the world can take the place of someone you cherish so much,
and nobody words will ever ease the pain of their loss.


Everyone is always in such a rush.
Where are we going?
If the person we love isn't sitting next to us...there is nowhere all that important to go.
We can close our eyes and dream a million dreams, but if we do not have the one we drempt them with...
What are they really worth?
Stop worrying so much about the little fight, the argument, the misjudgment, the wrong turn, the burn dinner, getting woken up to early, running out of gas...whatever it is. Does it really matter?


I have realized that the most important of all things are family.
I want to wake up every single day to my son and my husband.
Not everyone still has that luxury.
I want to spend holiday mornings in the arms of my love.
Some will miss this, every single year.
I want to watch my son grow old, and give my grandbabies..
while I'm rocking in the rocking chair next to my husband.
Some will never have that.
I admire those who have lose their lover. Their best friend. Their other half.
Your strength is something I can not even fathom.
For today, and for always, I want hold my son and my husband in a higher light then ever before.
I want them to know how much I admire them, and appreciate them.
That the little fight, or the spilled juicy cup, or the hard times, will never matter, like they matter.
Those are merely specks of sand, in the big picture.
If I can wake up everyday with my son and my husband, I am forever indebted to the God, for allowing me to be so blessed, and so humbled to have had this wake up call, and see just what IS important in life.

Don't ever take those who love you for granted.
Don't run through life so fast.
Don't hold on to the little arguments and hard times...
Forever look forward and know, that if you have each other you have the most important things.



My prayer tonight is for the families and wives, who do not have another day with their hero.
May God fill your life with gentle reminders of your love, your lifetime of memories, and your dreams.
May your babies be constant reminders of who they were.
May you forever be greatful for the times you have.
I also pray for me and my family to forever be this aware of what is important, and to continue to take life for what it is worth, and realize what matters the most, and what the real importance is...FAMILY! <3


I guess that's all. I'm going to try to sleep now.


Until whenever..

<3 AA

"If you loose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose the courage to be, the quality that helps you go on in spite of it all."

Sleepless

It's another one of those 'I'm exhausted, but not to the point where my mind will shut off and let me sleep' kind of nights. I'm not over joyed.

For the first time since my husband left, I returned to Fort Campbell. I felt at home as soon as I was close enough to recognize my surroundings. I wish I could say I returned for good, or even for vacation, but I returned for the memorial of some amazing men. I was only in town for three days, but I enjoyed being there. I somehow felt closer to my husband. I know he was still on the other side of the world, but being there..it reminded me of the life we have together. I passed places that brought back amazing memories, and it made me long for making more. I need to get motivated, and start looking online for a place for us to live, but lately things have been happening one after the other, and I never seem to be able to dedicate two minutes to that task...or sleep...or the organizing and packing of things to prepare for this move. Come on motivation and time management..I know your out there somewhere!

Anyways, in other news...tiny isn't so tiny anymore. He is a whopping nine months old. Don't dwell on that, I might break down and cry! I cannot even believe it has been nine months since he came into the world, and sometimes, I don't want too! He is just growing up way to quickly! My little peanut was four and a half pounds at birth, and he is a generous 18 pounds now. He is not a tiny, and people laugh at me when I call him that. Oh and he has to have surgery...yet again. My poor bear has been through so much in his short little life.
Lets recap.  Why? Because this is my blog and I can.
Born seven weeks early.
23 days in the NICU.
Daddy deploys ten days later.
We move to MI.
Milk allergy discovered.
Formula recall.
Reflux and colic.
Circumcision surgery due to being a preemie.
Road trip to WI for funeral.
Road trip to TN for memorial.
AND NOW....prepare yourself..
My poor baby goes for his check up, and they discover one of his little testicles went back up.
They say it could be caused by a hernia, or it could be naturally occurring.
They keep reassuring me that this surgery is common, and simple, and everything will be fine.
THEY don't have to undress their baby, put him into a hospital gown, hug and kiss him, and hand him over to a nurse.
THEY don't have to sign papers stating they are aware of the risks of surgery and anestisia.
THEY don't realize I am a first time mother, with a deployed husband, who is handing over her only child to a bunch of people she doesn't know.
The problems have already began. I explained to the doctor when I will be moving away. He offered to do the surgery early enough to alot for Jaxsons recovery before the long trip.
So when I get the letter in the mail from his surgery team stating surgery will be the end of March, I flip.
Surgery will NOT be the end of March. Just wait till Monday. This will be fixed.

Pray things go simply, and that recovery is quick and easy for him! 

My mom says I need to have Xanax on hand...she may be right.

My husband should be getting leave soon. I can not be any happier. It has been eight months in the making! Dear Army,

If you fuck it up this time....

we will be fighting.

Sincerely,

Me.
We need this. I desperately need to see him, touch him, wake up next to him.
My husband is my rock, and I admire him, probably more then even he knows.
We will be taking a few days out of town to visit with some friends. Our moms are babysitting. Therefor, we will be spending just a little bit of time with no baby, and no anybody.
I look forward to this most. Even if it is just the travel time, and going to sleep. It's time I will value quite a bit! 





Okay, my eyes have become even heavier then before. I need to try and get some sleep. It's four : ten in the morning, and my son will be up within a few short hours..like probably three.
I hate this couch, and truly miss the king sized bed in that hotel room! Oh well.



Until Next Time.
AA <3

Please Excuse Me.

Yes, Please excuse me..
For I am about to be a complete bitch.
If you can't handle complete honest bitch...kick rocks.
I am tired of shitty people. I'm tired of it.
Since when do people have such disregard for other human beings?
It seems to me, deployment hits, and our guys aren't even pulled out of the parking lot, before the rumors and drama began.No one is innocent. We have all said yeah I heard this happened..yeah I saw what she was wearing...yeah I heard what she said...but this shit...these rumors, and lies...wooooah!
This is a whole new level of crazy.

I'm disgusted. I'm saddened. And I am fed the fuck up.

Shady ass people, make you constantly question who you can trust.
And it's not just who you can trust...
Our husbands are thousands of miles away.
I personally have not seen mine in 8 months.
We're living alone, raising children alone, loosing sleep, constantly worrying, and under extreme amounts of stress and pressure.
It's sad you can no longer turn to a fellow army wife and vent!
It's sad you can't tell her how you're feeling, or why you're upset.
And why?
Because there is now a constant fear that you never know who is going to turn around and tell the news.
You can never be sure who is going to take your story, exaggerate and change it, and make it public record.

It's sad. It really is.

We have recently lost soldiers. Amazing men. 
We have grieving families. And soldiers still in harms way.
We have soldiers here at home who are injured and ot only dealing with the losses,
but also dealing with being away from their brothers.

And yet people have nothing better to do then degrade and ostracize eachother?

It is nothing but toxic...

And quite frankly, I don't think people stop to think about how they are making others feel. 
Lies and rumors hurt people.
I don't have it in me to make up lies and rumors.

That's an ugly, ugly trait.



I'm tired of the drama.
I'm physically exhausted.
Do you not have anything in your own life good enough to talk about?
If this is the case, DO Call me up. We can find you a good hobby or book.
If you insist on making up rumors and lies, be my guest...(just don't call me with it.)
I do not want to hear what anyone has to say about me, my husband or my child.
I do not want to hear what anyone thinks about anyone else.
I do not want to hear about another soldiers business, another wives business, or what another mothers, fathers, cousins, sisters neighbor has to say.
If you hear something about me, and it did not come out of my husbands mouth or my own, feel free to pass it around....That's right go ahead. (Not that anyone needed my permission.)
You will look like an asshole, but hey go right ahead.
*End Rant.


I hope to blog again tomorrow. Hopefully with something...anything better then this shit! 


Angry, Sad and Disgusted,
AA 

And on and on and on....

You wake up one day, and the whole world makes sense.
You see the past.
Times when you were wrong, when you could of swore you were right.
Times when you shouldn't have done, what you did.
Times when you did exactly what you needed too..
And times when everything felt perfect.

I have waken up.
It's that time.

I wish I were the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter.
I wish I could be everything to everyone.
I want to make people happy.
I want to make myself happy.
I want to raise productive citizens ; and successful happy beings.
I want my husband to be proud of the woman he married.
I want my mother to admire her daughter...my son to admire his mother..my friends to admire their companion.
I want to be a million things.

When do we stop wanting?
When can we let go of the past.
When do we forgive ourselves our mistakes,
our misjudgments
and our misfortunes?

I think we learn the most important lessons with time.

We just wake up and know what is right and what is wrong.
We know what we want to change and what we want to keep the same.
The people who truly love us...
They forgive our mistakes, except our imperfections, and look brightly into the future.
I think sometimes we get too caught up on regretting things..
and we forget to learn the lessons that are there.

I will never be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter..
but I will be the best that I can be, and I know the people who matter most...
Well...that's enough for them. <3


Anyhowwww....
I'm posted up in this hotel. King size bed all to myself. I haven't slept in a bed since my husband left for deployment. Strictly couches for me. I was quite elated when I saw this king size bed...overjoyed actually. After 10+ hours in the car, with an infant (might I add), I wanted to crawl under the covers and not come out for a week. Of course, with an infant, who'd been in his car seat for far too long...this just wasn't going to happen. So we did our thing. He played...and played and played! He was ecstatic to be rolling around and stretching out his little limbs! Finally, he rubbed his eyes, and gave me...the look. I gave him his bottle, and let him fall asleep in my arms. I have made a habit of not rocking him to sleep, because we've had previous issues with him refusing his bed! However, tonight...I prolonged my shower. I rocked and cuddled that boy for over an hour. I sat in bed, with the tv on, and rubbed his back and swayed. It was peaceful. It was perfect. It's not often we can sit in the quiet and just be alone. Hell, now that he is 9 months old, it is not often he wants to lay on his mommy.... He would much rather be on the go!

Finally, I laid him into his pack and play, covered him up, and took my shower. I checked on him afterwords, then crawled into this big king size bed. I couldn't sleep. I listened to him make cute little noises, and wiggle around, all while peacefully asleep. Their is nothing in the world more amazing. Watching him, I think of so many wonderful things. 

I think of the amazing mom I have, the husband who helped me bring this blessing into the world (not physically, I did that all on my own..haha.). I think of the night I got married, the dreams we have. I think of how amazing it is to see your dream peacefully sleeping before your eyes. My son makes me feel closer to my husband, and for that I am thankful. There is always that piece of him with me. Rather my husband be in Afghanistan or not, there is this little piece of him, right here in front of me. They share so many of the same traits. He is my constant reminder of the man I married two years ago, of my best friend, of a person I admire beyond belief. Each sweet little sigh helps subdue the loneliness I feel. My husband has been gone for eight months now, and we have yet to see the face of r & r. Eight months is a long time. Sometimes I begin to think I have forgotten his smile, or his silly personality, or the way he rubs his eyes when he's over tired. I am instantly reminded that my son has all of these traits. For that, I am forever grateful.

Now that I'm in this big king size bed...it's not as exciting. It's rather lonely. My husband is hogging the covers, he's not reaching out and pulling me over to him, and I don't hear his breath in my ear. I want more then anything to scoop my baby boy up and bring him into this big empty bed with me, but I know he will wake up and be oh so unhappy with me. There is nothing better then sharing a king size bed with your little man....except sharing a king sized bed, with both your men.


I long for February. F...o...u...r...t...e...e...n days of together. ( I say it like that because I don't want it to fly by, like I know it will...) For 14 days my family is whole again. I don't think words can describe the new sense of love I have found for my husband over this long eight months. I have reflected back and laughed, cried, regret and celebrated times we have had. Most of all I have realized what an amazing person he is, and found the inspiration to always be a better me. I want to be everything to him, because he is everything to me. My boys are my rock, my heart, and my soul. Without the two of them, I would come undone.



This is all I leave you with for now.

*Disclaimer* Please excuse anything that is out of order, random, misspelled, a hot mess, or otherwise ridiculous. I have been up for 23 hours, and cannot find the urge to sleep, regardless of how tired I am.

Until next time...

<3 AA

No words left.

It has been some time since I have blogged. In previous posts, I complained. I complained about how ANYTHING that COULD go wrong during a deployment, WOULD go wrong. I complained about my surgery, my doctor mishaps, my sons formula recall, my car being hit....about everything. I took for granted the people who REALLY had something to complain about. Those people who everyday were dealing with the loss of a soldier.

My husbands unit endured terrifying losses last month. Not just his unit..not just his battalion..or even his company.....HIS PLATOON. His guys. His friends. His buddies. The people he not only worked with, but played with. The men he laughed with, and the men he bitched with. Men he helped train, men he fought a long side. Close friends. A friend whose family we are close with. A friend who's wife I know and love.

Rest In Peace to these heros.
But not just rest in peace, THANK YOU. Because of you my husband continues to fight. Because of you he is still breathing, and MY family can still continue to HOPE he will return home. Because of you he still gets to call home, and beacuse of you we still have a chance. I feel personally forever indebted to these men. Because of them, the others...they are standing strong and continuing to fight...because of them families are still praying and hoping for a return. It will never be fair..it will never have an explanation. But I thank you. I cannot say it enough. Every single day--I thank you.

Rest In Peace And Thank You-- November 14th, 2010
SPC. Scott Nagorski
SPC. Nathan Lillard
SPC. Jesse Snow
You are brave, outstanding, heros.

I haven't had much to say since then. I attended the beautiful and tragic funeral of Spc. Nagorski, as his wife and I have become very close. I consider her family. We worked through this deployment together. When she called me and spoke the words to me...that Scott was dead...my heart stopped. I was in disbelief. I was mortified. ME?! How fucking dare I? she is telling me her husband is dead, and MY heart stops? I should have been stronger.. I should have found better words to say. Still to this day, my words can never measure up to what I really feel for her. I cannot express the amount of concern and love and hope I hold for her and her one year old beautiful daughter. I can never find the words to tell her just how much I think about her, or how often I want to just drive to her and hug her.
There was nothing like that funeral. There never will be. It changed me. Made me realize a lot of things about life.. about not just military life, but everyday life. It made the challenges and the risks even more real. It made my heart heavy, and my mind constantly run. My concern for her family, and the families of the others..It will never end. I can only pray I never have to feel that kind of pain and hurt, but somehow, this tragedy has made my mind never stop. I feel pathetic, but there are days when I worry myself sick. I worry that every knock, every phone call...either could be news of another friends husband, or news about my own. And it has eaten me alive. Anytime a spouse calls, my heart jumps before I answer it. A knock at the door...I hesitate and stumble. There was a knock yesterday. My mom told me who it was without even looking. I said I didn't care...I sure as hell wasn't answering it! What if she was wrong? What if it wasn't someone we were expecting. It hurts. It's sad..it's terrifying.. I feel guilty for worrying and guilty for having no answers. Such an amazing woman is already feeling the aftermath of that knock, and here I sit constantly worrying about getting it. I need to feel my husband. Just touch him. Hold him, if only for a moment. I need to hear his voice, I need to see his face, I need to physically see that he is okay.These poor families will never have that. I feel guilty for wanting it. But I cannot yet separate my hope and prayers for my husbands safety for the guilt I feel for those families.

I don't have much more to say right now. I think I'm still trying to regain myself. I feel as though I have lost myself in this world of worry and wonder. I feel like the pain and sadness has overtaken me and until I have found a little peace, I'm just not myself yet. I cannot imagine how these families are feeling, or carrying on everyday, but I will never stop thinking of them, and praying for them, and holding their soldiers in my hearts, for all of the brave sacrifices they have made. These families are compiled of amazing, strong, proud people, and I wish I could take away just a little of their pain.


Until Next Time,


<3 AA

Thankful

I have come to realize I am thankful for something rather unexpected. I am thankful for this deployment. The deployment was not unexpected, but me being thankful for it was! Now, don't get me wrong, if I could have forgone this deployment, I gladly would have, however I have learned some things!

My husband and I have been together on and off (mostly on) since I was fourteen! I think I have spent a lot of time in these years depending on him. I depended on him for support, and for comfort, for doing the "manly" things, for pretty much everything. He has been nothing short of my rock since the day we met. I have also forgotten about myself in these years. I have taken up a liking to all of my husbands hobbies, and joys, and forgotten to be myself. My husband fell in love with POKER in Iraq. When he came home, I learned his game of choice and enjoyed it (most of the time). My husband has been a hockey fanatic since he was a child. I have never watched sport. NEVER... but I now too love the Red Wings and am somewhat of a FANATIC myself. But as for me? I have not yet found the little joys of my life....
UNTIL THIS DEPLOYMENT.

My grandma has a curio cabinet in her living room. I have admired it since I was a little girl. All of the pretty little nic-nacks have fascinated me for as long as I can remember. Being back in MI, I have gone to see my grandma a few times, and still I admire this eclectic collection of treasures. I searched online for some treasures, and have fallen in love with Swarovski Crystals. One day, I too will have a cabinet full of beautiful treasures on display to be admired.

I have come to love myself during this deployment. I have learned I can survive on my own. I am self-sufficent, and I can problem solve without consulting my husband. This is in no way saying I have realized I don't need him, or that I don't still love the things I have come to love because of him. I am just proud to say I have realized to appreciate things for myself, and come to realize I no longer need to dwell on having someone to help me along the way. I am so greatful for this time. I have realized to only appreciate those who appreciate me. I have found independance, and I have stood on my own two feet for the first time in my entire life.

If nothing else has come from this deployment, an appreciation for who I AM, has surly developed. I have faced challenges I didn't even know existed. I have solved problems alone, I would have turned to him for help with, I have found a love for something of my own. I have grown as a person, as a mother, and as a wife.

I have learned more about myself in the last 6 months, then I have in the last 6 years, and for that, deployment, I THANK YOU. 

Oh a lower note, I hate you deployment. I hate you for the time, the distance, and the lack of communication. I hate you for taking him so far away, for giving me gray hairs of worry, and for the things he has missed.
However, today I am being thankful, and I am thankful for the growth, change, and adventure you have caused. So today I say this deployment, THANK YOU. Thank you for allowing me to grow, and appreciate my husband in a light I never before would have. Thank you for allowing me a chance to stand on my own, and be strong by myself. Thank you for the triumphs I have achieved because of you. Thank you for sucking so bad, that you have made me stronger.
In a way, I am glad this deployment has been so down right- SHITTY. I am glad it has thrown every single curve ball. I am glad I had my first surgery alone, my car was hit, my child gave me hell, my feelings were hurt, my eyes were heavy, and my heart was tried. Okay, I'm not really GLAD for any of that, but I'm really glad for the outcome, and the strength overcoming these things has given me.


It's almost Thanksgiving. I'm in the holiday mood, and I'm thankful for a lot this morning. I hope everyone out there is finding simple little things to be thankful for. 

Thankfully Yours,
<3
AA

Life has been happening...

I'm not so sure if I have updated about all of the following..so bare with me! Life has been a little hectic, and I have been a little...A LOT tired.

After 4 pediatrician visits in 3 weeks, I took my son to the E.R, where they told me he has reflux which is causing colic. They prescribed him Zantac, and three days later, the miracle drug kicked in! THANK GOD! My son wasn't sleeping but fifteen minutes at a time, and I wasn't sleeping, but 3 hours combined a night.
Yesterday Jax started beta blockers to help with his birthmarks, and so far, no issues. THANK GOD AGAIN!
Hey, it is November...Thanksgivings around the corner, and I SURE AM thankful for a lot these last couple weeks.

I ordered my husbands new wedding band which will be acting as his Anniversary present, and I'm pretty excited about it. I love it a lot, and I hope he does too. Speaking of my wonderful man, hopefully he will be home for some much needed R & R in the next couple months!

Today, I went and got my sons pictures done. Some for Christmas, and some for fun :)
I'll update with those later tonight or when life gives me another chance to have five minutes to sit down.

I'm still catching up on my sleep, and I've got a list as long as the Nile of things to get done.
I have much more to say, but as of right now, my child is a callin'.


Hope everyone is doing well..and getting into the holiday spirit!
I sure am! HOWEVER, I really could pass on these freezing temperatures, and the flakes of snow that just started falling. No, not much snow...just little flurries...but that's more snow then I'm ready for!



Until next time....
Stay thankful my friends. <3

Bad News, Followed by Bad News, Followed by...You guess it!

I haven't updated in quite some time, and with good reason.
I've had my son at the doctors three times, and last night, I'd had enough and took him to the emergency room.
For the past month, my son has been up all night, SCREAMING like he's being murdered. He gets real bad gas and cries and cries and cries. The doctor has had me change his formula three times, and change bottles twice. I've tried a sleep wedge, I've tried Mylacon drops, and gripe water, to no avail.
Finally last night, to the emergency room we went. They determined he has reflux, which is causing colic. They sent us home with a prescription, and we're praying this does some work!
Exhausted does not begin to explain how tired I am, as I'm averaging three hours, NOT CONSTANT, sleep a night, for the last three weeks. My child is uncomfortable, and I'm at whits end.
The doctor told me all about how her daughter had this, and when her husband finally got home at night she would say..."YOU HAVE TO TAKE HER I CANT DO THIS". She said she cried and cried everyday.
And then I cried. I needed that cry. I cried for everything. For my sons pain, for my exhaustion, for frustration, for anger, for sadness, for my husband not being here, for the hell of it, I just cried. And she told me it was okay. She told me it was more then normal, and to get the hell out of the room sometimes and just take a break. I needed to hear that. I needed to know it was okay to NEED a break from your child when all he does is cry, and I needed to hear it was okay to CRY! I think I was so afraid of crying, and wanting a break, meaning I was failing, so I held it in. And now I feel a little better...if only for a day.
I'm praying this medicine works, however they say it will take five to seven days before we will know if it's working or not. Please let this give us, ATLEAST a little relief.

Untill I have something interesting to say...
I hope everyone is having better days..


<3 AA

It's Been Crazy

I know I have been MIA lately. Things have been just a little crazy around here!
My baby boy would not sleep what so ever for about 4 days. He just screamed every time I laid him down. So I took him into the pediatricians office, and come to find out he has an ear infection! POOR BUBBA! That was Friday. So they started him on Amoxicilian, and he felt better immediately! Without surprise, Sunday morning I woke up sick as a dog. Monday I took MYSELF to the doctors, and got a ZPACK. Today is the first day I am feeling better, and boy am I grateful for that.
My poor J had to have surgery today. Ya see, when he was born, he was only four pounds, eight ounces. He was seven weeks premature, and spent twenty three days in the NICU. The hospital he was born in does not perform circumcisions on preemies! They tell you to speak with their pediatrician upon discharge. My son's pedi. in turn, referred us to a urologist. The Urologist would not circumcise him, until he had put on some weight, as he was already almost two months old. When a baby is this old, the circumcision is performed in the operating room, under general anesthesia. We had to weight until J was six months old. SO TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY! He could only have clear liquids after midnight, and nothing after 3 am. So at 2 am when he woke up, Jax got apple juice and water in his bubba. The apple juice gave him a gassy belly, in turn making him miserable. I went to bed at 1:30, which was terribly stupid of me. Little did I know our day would begin at 2 am. Jax screamed his head off. By the time we got to the hospital at 7:30 am, he was starving, and miserable. Overall, surgery went great. We are now home, and relaxing. Hopefully recovery is not to bad.
I'm hoping and praying this is the end of our terrible streak.
In the last three months, I have had emergency surgery to have my gall bladder removed, had to take my son to Detroit to see a specialist, my car got hit while parked in a parking lot, my sons formula was recalled- ultimately making him sick, he then could not adjust to new formula (either he was constipated or refused to eat), then the ear infection, then I was sick, and now surgery. I'm hoping we have had our fair share, and are now on the road to brighter days!

In happier news, I got to hear my husbands voice today, which made my week, or possibly my month. I miss that man, more then words can describe. I'm working on a fantastic Christmas surprise for him, and cannot wait to have him receive it!

Other then that, my days have consisted of an unhappy child, and a tired me! I'll update more when the days become more enjoyable! Hope everyone is having a better month then I!

<3 AA

Sunday Lovin'

Happy Sunday folks! Chalk this up to another week down in this deployment...... Thank goodness!
The weekend has been ever so uneventful, and I'm so fine with that! We spent most of our time lounging around and doing nothing. However, we have had a couple mishaps.

Baby bear woke up Friday to the Butt Rash From Hell! Ultimately making him, the child from....well you get the picture! My husband contacted me, letting me know he is terribly sick, and vomiting. Ultimately making me a worry wart! My son has reformed back to his days of newborn-ism, in the fact that he feels it necessary to wake up every two hours in the middle of the night. Overall, I have had minimal amounts of sleep. And when I say minimal I'm referring to four hours MAX, combined sleep a night! It seems this hectic weekend has formed some sort of daunting schedule. Jaxson finally gives in and sleep at around midnight, my husband messages me around 2 am, and my son wakes up at 3.I would not change speaking with my husband at ANY time of the day, regardless of my lack of sleep. I would however, change my son waking up all night long, and not wanting to go back to bed, but as my husband says..."It is what it is", and for now, I'm handling it.

Tomorrow my son has his 6 month check up, and I have a confession. I'm praying this butt rash magically disappears! I know diaper rashes are a normal occurrence, however, I'm ONE OF THOSE MOMS. You know the kind... The mom who thinks, oh my goodness, I look like a terrible mom.This doctor is going to think I let my child sit in dirty diapers all day long. He's going to think I'm a terrible, irresponsible woman. I know this is so irrational, but I watch too much television. Mostly, too much Nancy Grace! All you ever hear about is woman who strap their kids in the car seat and drive their car into a lake, or woman who duct tape their kids to the walls and take pictures, and post them on facebook. (Yes, I have seen both of these stories on Nancy, just this week!) It's terrible. What kind of world are we living in? There are millions of woman in the world, doing everything they can to have a child. Woman who will adopt, or go through years of extensive medical treatment, just to mother, and yet we have woman abusing and murdering their innocent kids! GET A GRIP! These yucky, excuses for human beings, do not deserve to even be called mothers. Mothers nurture, care, love, and devote their lives to their children. THEY DO NOT murder, assault, or beat their innocent babies. Okay okay...End rant!

In brighter news, the weather is beautiful, the leaves are changing colors, and the sky is bright! What a perfect Sunday, to do absolutely nothing except enjoy my son, and the weather! My brother-in-law came over today, and fixed my computer and hooked up my printer, so tonight's task? Print and organize all of my recipes and get them into my recipe binders! You don't even know my excitement over this! I'm one of those people, who like everything to be organized, alphabetized, and categorized! I get excited over storage bins, and plastic containers. I would label every drawer, cabinet and bin if I wouldn't look like a total psycho!

So I'm off for now, to begin my new task! I hope everyone is having a peaceful, relaxing Sunday. Don't blink, it will be Monday before we know it!

<3 AA

Ps. I have reread some older posts, and realized I have quite a few grammar and typing errors. Excuse those. I usually blog on my balcony, (weather permitting) and either my laptop is about to die, or my child begins to scream, and I don't find the chance to go back and proof read! I always say I'll fix it later..but I never seem to see later on the clock! <3

He laughes. I Cry.

Yesterday, I spent the entire day singing, "Happy Half Birthday To You" to my son. He spent the day laughing at me. It was rather enjoyable, and light-hearted. So there you have it, my baby boy is officially one half of a year old! I can hardly believe how the time has flown! In real time, my baby is only supposed to be four months old, but in our time, *since he came 7 weeks early* he is a whole six months!

These past six months have been full of trial and tribulation, triumph and failure. But mostly, they have been full of the best memories I could ever imagine. Of course, my husband being here, would have made them better, but we deal with what we are delt. I have watched Baby J grow from a tiny 4 pound peanut in the nicu, into what I like to call my baby bear! He has filled my grueling months of longing and sadness (due to deployment) with joy and fun. His smile lights up my day, and his laugh lightens my load.
Of course, there are times when I'm exhausted, and strained. Times when I want nothing more then a drink, and a night out. Nights, when I want nothing more then sleep, and days when I want nothing more then silence, however, I would not trade those late nights rocking him to sleep, or those long days of whining, for the world. The past six months have taught me to cherish every moment. (Hence those words being tattooed to my foot!) I know, in no time at all, he will be too big to rock, to old to want mommy, and to grown to need me. But for the time being, I'm latching onto ever second of him being little.

As you can see, yesterday was bitter sweet for me. I celebrated the six months I have had. I celebrated his growth, his progress, and his achievements. I mourned the days when my husband was here to help, the days my husband held him, and hell...the days my husband was here to hold me. But today, I'm looking forward. Forward to my baby turning into a little boy, forward to the memories that are yet to come, and forward to the days my husband will be here to enjoy this journey we have created.

Emotional old me, got to thinking last night. What if? What if my husband doesn't make it back? What if we loose our hero? What if he never gets to celebrate this journey with us? I cried. I needed a good cry. It's been quite some time. I have held myself together, refused tears, refused the what ifs? I need it. It was like a release of so many things. So in the dark, alone, I cried. And after words, I pulled myself together. I picked up our baby boy, and I laughed. Do I sound crazy yet? I laughed, because he was laughing. I laughed because he put his hand on my face as if to embrace me. I laughed for my husband. I laughed. I found confidence, I found pride, and I found hope. My husband IS coming home to us. He IS going to enjoy this journey. He IS going to be here until we are old and gray! Why? Because I said so. Because I have faith in him. Because I have faith in God. Because I know he is supposed to be here. Because I know our story does not end just yet. I know that we have more things to endure, more memories to make, more time. I'm holding my head high today. I'm keeping that faith in my back pocket. I refuse to acknowledge the what if's.

There are times in life when we learn very valuable lessons. Today I learned. Maybe, I have always know, but today it made itself ever so clear. Maybe I can thank this deployment. Maybe I can thank my emotions, maybe I can thank no body but my self, however, today's lesson was worth learning....

My husband and I have been together for seven years. Seven. We're in our early twenties. Not many people under the age of 23, can say they have been with their soul mate for seven years. I'm grateful for this. I think sometimes in our day to day lives, we forget to be thankful. Today I am thankful. Thankful for the life my husband has provided us. Thankful for love. Thankful for family. Thankful for being thankful. Sometimes we need to stop the hecticness, and just be grateful.
While passing a church sign, I noticed a quote the other night. It truly spoke to me...
"You are not rich in life, until you have the things, money cannot buy."
I'm rich! I'm stinkin' RICH! I never thought I would say it..but I AM!

I have an amazing husband, who puts his life on the line. Not for a paycheck, not for health care, not because he couln't find a job. My husband chose the army, long before he graduated high school. He longed for it. It was all he ever wanted. I'm thankful for the person my husband is, the job he does, and the way he makes me feel.
I have a full of life, happy -go- lucky little boy. He is healthy, he is growing, and he is amazing.
I have a wonderful family. A mother who would stop at nothing to make her children happy.
I have love. I have faith. I have hope. I have things others only dream of.
I am rich.

So today, I leave you with this....
No matter what is going on, how crazy your day becomes, or how stressed out you may be. Be thankful. Be thankful for the things that money cannot buy, and the people you could never replace. All of your troubles will be there when you wake up...I promise, they are going nowhere. Today, laugh. Hold your children. Call your mother. Celebrate the things we have been given, and the times we have had. Embrace the memories that are yet to come, forget about the bills. Don't let anything bring you down. Because, I bet, you too are rich!


AA <3

Partys Over

So my pity party has ended. Actually it ended the afternoon it began, but that's beside the point. I have gotten to talk to my husband a couple times via Yahoo Messenger, and this morning I even got to hear his voice!


Yesterday, Hubby and I had a most enjoyable conversation about the future. In previous convos, he had seemed a little down...and there's nothing I hate more then that! But yesterday I found hope and aspiration in his words. He spoke of wanting to go to Ranger School, and getting a sleeve tattooed. *So hot, if you ask me!*                                   
Most my life, I have settled. Settled for C's. Settled for simple dinner fixes. Settled for content instead of happy. I'm tired of settling. Before my husband left, I had SETTLED on going to hair school when he returned. Do I love hair? Yes. Do I want to do it for the rest of my life? No. But it would be quick, and it would bring home a paycheck. I do like quick. I could settle on easy. But why settle? Why not do something I've dreamed of doing? Why not work hard, and be something I can be proud of?
I'm over settling. I'm done choosing easy. And I'm done thinking I won't be good enough. So there you have it, in January, I plan to take pre req's online, and when my husband returns from this deployment, I will push myself. I will go to school. I will make it. I will do something enjoyable with my life.



In other news, my husbands computer was acting up and so he mailed it home to his brother to be fixed. Thank you USPS, for completly terrorizing the box. My husbands computer screen is now trashed. My smart husband did purchase $1,500 worth of insurance on the thing, so hopefully tomorrow when I bring it to the post office to make an insurance claim, they do something about it.


Today I dug out my external so all of his pictures and videos from deployment can be put on there, and I am rather excited about seeing these pictures and videos. Any glimpse I can get of where he is, or more importantly, HIM, is like a million dollars at this point. I cannot describe how much I miss that man...there just aren't words for that. So needless to say, I'm over the moon excited his computer took a shit, and these pictures and videos will now be available for my enjoyment. I am NOT however over the moon that the post office trashed the computer on the way here and it is now nonfunctional completely.

Other then that, not much is new on the home front. My baby boy will be six months old tomorrow, and I can hardly believe it. It's his half birthday..six months since that day? Six months worth of growing and learning as a first time mom. I get sad just thinking about how I will never have those first six months back. They have been the most enjoyable, and rewarding six months of my life, and I honestly feel like nothing I do will ever be as important as this. My son is my whole world. Between him and my husband, I have everything I could ever dream of. They are my happy place. So baby boy, happy half birthday tomorrow. You are forever my baby.
I cannot wait to experience the next 6 months, and all the years to follow.

I'll leave you all with that. And promise to update again soon. If not for your reading enjoyment, then to keep my sanity! Hope everyone has a good week, and don't forget to tune into Sons of Anarchy tonight! It's sure to be amazing! <3



--Double A <3

Pity Party- Open Invite!

That's Right! I'm throwing a pity party, and you're all invited!

Last night, I went to sleep to the sound of a peaceful, calm, constant rain. It was almost beautiful. And if you know me, I'm not one to enjoy rain, or storms for that matter. In fact, thunderstorms scare my pretty little panties off. But this was a different kind of rain. It was diligent and soothing. It relaxed me beyond belief. I slept. I mean, really slept. Insomnia has taken over my life since the beginning of this deployment, and I've had very few nights of "real" sleep. But last night, that almost beautiful rain put me to sleep. * Okay, I'll be honest, I'm not one hundred percent convinced it was the rain..It could have been the lack of sleep I have had, the exhausting two weeks, or even the fact that I was just plain worn out.. But, I'd like to think it was the rain!

After awakening to the sound of my son babbling in his crib, I felt refreshed....for a second. Until I opened up the blinds and saw my surroundings. The sky was gloomy and dark. The rain was violent and harsh, and the wind was mind blowing. Gross. The flowers look dead, and the grass appears muddy. Thank you rain, for allowing me to love you for a whole night, before you ruined my day.

So with the let down of the rain, I got the boy up, turned on the radio, and fed him some breakfast. Every single song that played was a downer.
I'm talking...real downer.
Brian McKnight- Whenever you call... Thank you for reminding me I have not heard my husbands voice, and it will be days again, before I do.
Aerosmith- I don't want to miss a thing...Thank you for making me think about all of the things my husband is missing while on this long, stupid, deployment!
Lady Antebellum- Need you now...Thank you for pointing out just how much I could really use my husband right now.
Yep. That's right..Three in a row. True downers...And so, my pity party began.

My husband is deployed, my son is teething and hates the world, the rain is ugly and torturous, I still have to deal with a smashed up car, and my knee hurts like a mother effer. That's right.. I said it.. A MOTHER EFFER!

Any who, I continue on with my motherly duties. Get the boy burped, and dressed, and set him on his play mat with some toys. Pick up his cereal bottle, and bowl and head to the kitchen. Just to find that pile of bottles and bowls and spoons I so carelessly left in the sink last night because I was just so in love with the pitter-patter of the rain, and all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and look out the window at this ALMOST beautiful sight. So, now to tackle this stinkin' pile. I absolutely hate bowls of crusted mess. And what did I do in my euphoria of giddiness about the rain? Left my sons dinner cereal leftovers in his bowl and stacked it in the sink. SOMEONE decided to run some water in that bowl, and that cereal was now a hot crusted mess of gush on every single dish. LOVE MY LIFE at this point! So I get through with that, and head back into the living room and look at that dreaded over-flowing laundry basket of baby clothes that need to be washed. Now, usually laundry is my favorite household chore, but good god, when you have to walk three flights of stairs to get to the washer and dryer, that someone else in the building usually has left their laundry sitting in for at least eight hours..I HATE LAUNDRY. Oh how I miss my pretty little apartment where the laundry was quietly tucked away in a closet two steps from my living room. So you think I tackled that laundry basket? NOPE! I let it sit. I stared at it for a few minutes, and thought about how badly I need to conquer it, I considered the fact that there were only two cars in the parking lot, and hopefully no ones laundry would be down there..but I left it there..over flowing onto the floor, looking hideous. Oh well! Today is MY pity party, and I'm not doing anything I don't want to do.

Any who, the night before last, I went to the gym. I worked my ass off...I mean really...WORKED MY ASS OFF. I'm talking a "level 4 on the bike, level 5 on the elliptical" kind of worked my ass off. Not to mention I did floor work! I killed my abs, and my hips. Literally, I think their still laying there in Lifetime! I've never been one for much of a floor work out, but the personal trainers were up there doing some demonstrations, and I caught on. Planks, elevated ab twists, squats with weights on these balancing things. Oh lord, did I ever push myself. I left out feeling pretty damn good about myself. I never once told myself I couldn't do it, and I never quit before finishing the goal I had set... well okay, once I actually did. I was doing that exercise where you get down in the push up position and alternate bringing your legs up..ya know the ones..where it looks like your running on the ground? Anyways, I would do that for a minute, then switch to bicycle, then back. Well shit! After one round of these my knee was in dyer pain. I fell out- Like a private on their first road march after drinking too many beers the night before! I was done. My knee hated me! So I cooled down, and then headed home. My knee was still sore after a long hot bath, but I figured it would be fine.
Woke up yesterday, got up to get the baby...NO GO! My knee killed. I mean KILLED. I brushed it off, and figured it would be better today. Nope, woke up today...Probably ten times worse. I'm so disgusted with today. If it's not one thing, it is constantly another.

Regardless of today's pity party, I have decided to stay motivated about the gym, and life in general..After I'm done sulking today of course! Tonight is Sons of Anarchy, so I will be skipping the gym. And to be honest, if it wasn't SOA night, I'd probably skip anyways, because I'm busy sulking! But tomorrow, I'm hitting that gym just as hard as I did on Sunday. Minus the floor running, and the bicycle, because I don't feel like having a bad knee for the rest of my life. I'm also on the prowl for a good home work out, for the days when my mom can't watch the baby while I hit the gym, or SOA nights, or nights when it's grossly raining like it is today. I've decided to kick my own ass, every single week, until I look exactly how I want to. I'm so tired of being disgusted with how I look, and being envious of the skinny pretty girls, who care wear sweat pants and rags and look beautiful.
So my diet has began, and so far, so good. I worked my ass off at the gym- YES! And I'm looking for a home workout routine.- FANTASTIC!
Let's hope I can stick with this, and kick this weight. I'm staying positive -about THIS at least!

Now, I guess I should stop sulking, end my pity party, and do that damn laundry!
John Michael Montgomry- I can love you like that, just came on. And It's a nice contrast from all the downers I've been listening to all morning..
So on that note, I'm off to perk up, get things done, and play with the most handsome, energetic little boy in the whole wide world! After all, his smile is simply contagious, and I could sure use a nice smile right about now!

Check back later, and find out if this pity party has really ended, of if I'm just fooling myself.
Oh, and I hope you don't have this nasty ugly rain and wind in your neck of the woods.

<3 AA

Personal, Pathetic, and Patient...

So lately I've had all kinds of things going on and I wish to share them with all of  the people reading this. Or basically just my computer screen, in case no one ends up reading this!

I'll start with a follow up from the last few things I've wrote about.

1. Similac is still not selling the powder form of my sons formula, so we have resorted to buying the liquid concentrate, which is more expensive. It's a bummer, but what can ya do? Hopefully they will get their act together soon and produce some bug free powder for us moms on a budget to purchase!
On the brighter side, my son is back to sleeping like a peaceful baby, hasn't been spitting up, and is happy as can be! On the downside, we haven't had any world war III diaper explosions, or even poop for that matter in two days, and I'm starting to worry! It's the days when your infant is constipated that you really wish he would have those diaper explosions!

2. All State, the insurance of the old folks who hit my parked car, has contacted me! They have accepted full responsibility (as they should, since I was not in my vehicle and it was parked in a parking lot) and they are going to cover full costs of the damage to my car. So I took my car into their offices, had the damage evaluated and will be taking it to a shop later this week to be fixed! WOOHOO on that!

3. We have been doing compression wraps on J's "strawberry" mark on his arm. It actually puts me at ease. I don't have to worry about his scratching at it or pulling on it and it bleeding profusely! The resident in the doctors office in Detroit called me and said that the doctor will be contacting the pediatrician this week, and I should find out about when he will be able to start the medication to hopefully get rid of these buggers! :) Makes me happy. Now lets hope I hear from him! Speaking of these marks I am reminded of a funny story, that I will throw in here for kicks and giggles!
About a month and a half ago I had to have emergency surgery to have my gallbladder removed, and was in the hospital for a week! While in the hospital, my mom was taking care of my son, working two jobs and trying to visit and comfort me. Two of the nights my mom had to work at night and took J to my cousins house to be watched. My cousin has a 4 year old son. J and my cousin were in the living room, and her son was in the kitchen. He said to his mom, COVER HIS DOT! The poor little boy refused to come around J until the "dot" was covered! He was terrified of this dot! It was absolutly adorable. It is now a standing joke at family functions, that the "DOT" must be hidden.


Now onto new news...
Lately I have been having some thoughts about my father. My parents divorced when I was three. I recall a time when I was little that my father was angry and threw a picture frame across the room, at what I recall to be my mother. Unfortunately this picture frame broke all over the place right in front of me. My father moved hours away, into the upper peninsula of Michigan, and my mother, my sister and I moved in with my Grandma and Papa. My dad would occasionally come and take us for the weekend. And by occasionally, I mean, when it was convenient for him, when he felt like it, when he wasn't too busy. My mom remarried when I was 6 (and had a son when I was 7) , and my father dated an old fling for a majority of my childhood. My sister was born with quite a few health problems. There is a white coating around everyone's brain and part of hers is missing, she has a form of Cerebral Palsy, she had cataracts and cornea scars (if I recall correctly), and she also has a heart murmur. I found out later in life, the doctors told my mother some issues could have been a result of my fathers physical abuse during my mothers pregnancy. (He sat on her while she was pregnant, among other things...) Most of my life, I grew up terribly jealous of my sister, because she was always the center of attention. Most of my life my dad favored my sister greatly. I now realize it is probably because he feels guilty for the issues he has caused. But does that make it okay? Anyways, when I was about 10 years old I recall my dad saying he wanted to pick JUST ME up for a weekend up north with him! I was over the moon. My father rarely visited by this time in my life, and I secretly hated it. I was sad I had no "real" father, and felt like he just didn't care. I jumped out of our pool, packed my bags immediately and waited on the couch by the front door. Mind you, he lives 3 hours away. I didn't care how long I would be sitting on that couch, I was too excited! About five hours later..still on that couch..refused dinner, refused tv, just wanted to wait..My father called and stated he had to work and would not be coming. I was heart broken..YET AGAIN. I was traumatized. I waited all day for that man. And he acted so nonchalant about the whole situation! I think it was that point in my life when I really gave up on him. The older I got, the more stories I had heard of not just the past but the present. My father was well off. He owned his own successful business, drove new cars, was adding onto his house, ect. Yet he rarely payed child support, and lied about his finanaces in order to pay as little as possible. My father was a scammer. He was wanted by the GVT. for taxes he hadn't payed down state, and he lied about how much money he made. I started to hate this man more and more every single day. Who was he? Who was he to think his children were of a convenience to him? And why did he have the right to never buy school clothes, pay doctors bills, or even CHILD SUPPORT! It was not just my mother and her family who disliked him.. It was his family too. This man was as fake as babrie in my eyes. At some time around 12 I completely stopped wanting anything to do with him. I refused Christmas cards, and I defiantly refused his CONVENIENT visits, once every three months or when he found time. At some point around the age of 16 my father called me and tried to "discipline" me over the phone. Telling me I was to young for a boyfriend, and I had better not be having sex, and I had better be getting good grades. It was just the cherry on top. I was over him. Good riddens!

Recently, I find myself angry. I'm angry at this man...so angry! My husband tried to do the right thing by asking this NON EXISTENT FATHER OF MINE, for my hand in marriage, he said he didn't really care. My half-sister has two children now. Both of which he acknowledges far more then he ever acknowledged me. My father and I have not been on speaking terms for a very long time. But I now have an (almost) six month old son of my own. My father never once picked up a phone, wrote a letter, sent a card! He never once acted like he had a grandchild in this world that he could possibly congratulate his youngest child on! I get it, we don't speak, we haven't spoken, we don't communicate. But in my heart, there are certain things that "father" do, no matter what! My son was 7 weeks premature, and spent 23 days in the NICU. He was well aware of all of this. Did he care enough to pick up the phone and say "Congrats! How is he?" I didn't expect a call. But I expected something. A card? A baloon? For god sakes, an email! I got nothing. Not a thing. Not a word. Like I didn't exist and this baby was never born. At what point does a father stop caring about the past, and start being a man, and start trying to fix the future? I have the urge to write my father. I would like to enclose a couple pictures of my son, and simply state that at some point it would have been nice if he acknowledged my son. I'm not asking for him to come around, or be in either of our lives..I just wanted a congratulations, a how are you..a how is he? I want to let him know that I have the most beautiful, full of life little boy in the whole wide world, and it's a shame he is missing out! Am I wrong for that? After all, he is darlingly close with my two sisters.

Any who, to end my rant on that...
My husband told me he sent me a box! I'm over the moon ecstatic!
I cannot wait to recieve it! I am a BIG sucker for surprises, and he keeps telling me I'm going to love it!
Boy, that man sure does know how to excite a girl. I'm soo super impatient though! Hurry up USPS, I wanna rip that box open! I watch for the mail lady every single day in anticipation of that box! Infact, a couple days ago, she came into the building with a box, and I rushed down the stairs and said is THAT for appartment 6?! She replied with "Uhh....no mam..it's for apartment 2." I was bummed. I dragged my sorry self back up the stairs and closed my door rather hard, as if it was her fault or something! haha.

In conclusion, the last 2 weeks have been a rollar coaster, and I'm holding on for the ride!
Tomorrow is Sons of Anarchy, so I pretty much plot my day around that!
Keep reading...if not...
Well, I'll keep typing to cyber space, and fooling myself into thinking someones reading!


Heres hoping for a better week!
<3 AA

Bored enough to do this....

That's right! I'm bored enough to do another one of these exciting little things!

I'm not sure who I swooped this up from..but if it was you..
Thank you for curing me...(for just a few minutes) of pure boredness. (Yes, I'm aware that is no real word.)


1. What is your favorite no-frills meal?
Grilled Chicken! Throw it on the Georgy Forman (as I like to call it). Cook it up 8 minutes..and serve it with.. well just about anything...On a salad, with a soup, with a veggie, or all alone!

2. What is your favorite picture? Post it!
I have far to many favorites. However, I will pick just a couple..

3. Do you prefer flip flops, boots, sneakers or heels?
Flip flops please. I would wear them all year round if I didn't get such funny looks when I do! :p
I love flip flops. Their comfortable, and convenient. 

4. Where is your favorite place to vacation?
I've never really been on a real vacation! I would love to see the country. The whole country. My tops picks of places to go would have to be...
1. New York
2. California
3. Chicago
4. Florida
5.  NEW ORLEANS... Actually this is probably more twords the top of the list.
And if we're talking about out of the country...
1. Italy
2. Mexico
3. Ireland

5. Do you sleep on your back, side or stomach?
Well, usually my side. But sometimes my back..Most of the time, I'm all over the place!

6. Do you own any television series box sets.
I have the first two seasons of Sons of Anarchy...

7. Do you have any hidden talents?
Nope. No special hidden talents here.

8. Who is your best friend?
My husband of course, and Andrea (my "bff" from high school). Also my mom. Since I moved away, got married and had a baby, my mom and I have gotten so much closer. We do butt heads sometimes now that J and I are living in her two bedroom apartment with my brother and her, but we're still extremely close, and I think the distance did us wonders for our relationship!
I do have to say, that my "Bff" in Clarksville is Nadine. She's been a great friend, and we've stayed close through this deployment!
ANDDDD as if that wasn't enough BFFS
I love Fawn to death. She is now in Cali, however she used to be at Fort Campbell with us. She is a great person, and we still stay connected even though they are out of the army and so far away! When my husband returns from deployment, we look forward to a trip *with Jax in tow* to Cali to visit them! I miss them and baby frank (who isn't even a baby anymore, but the name stuck!) ohhhh soo much! <3

1. What is your favorite sport? What's your favorite team in that sport?
I love watching and attending hockey games with my husband! WOOHOO RED WINGS!


2. What's your favorite color to wear?
Black. Black. and Black.

3. What do you spend most of your free time doing?
Hi, my name is alyssa, and I'm a facebook addict. Especially since my husband is gone. I spend most of my free time on Facebook, or blogging, or reading! That is when I'm not busy shopping and spoiling my son!

4. If you could spend one hour with one person - past or present - who would it be and why?
Right about now, my husband. It seems like he has been gone soooooo long, when in reality it has only been four months!
If I can't pick him, then it'd be my uncle. He passed away unexpectidly, and I'd like to spend an hour with him, introducing him to my son. (whose middle name is David, after my uncle!)

5. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you "grew up?"
A nurse. I still would love to be. If school wasn't so expensive and took so long. And I could get over my fear of BLOOD!

6. What is one place that you've always wanted to visit but haven't been able to yet?
*See Above. I have given an extensive list! haha.

7. Name one movie you could watch over and over and over again and never get tired of.
The Ladies Man. HA- LARIOUS!

Well, I'm off now. My laptop battery is flashing, and it's going to die at any time.
Is there anyone out there?
IF SO... Check back later. 




<3 AA