Freeing My Mind and Wasting Time

One of the ladies I came across on Military Spouse Blogs posted about the 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind. I fell in love with this concept and followed her link to the website. I will now.."Free My Mind.."

"These questions have no right or wrong answers.

Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer."

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
   I would have to be at least 30. I'm not joking around here. In my mind I dream of being such a wonderful housewife. Ya know the type. The ones from the fifties. My husband told me if we were all born in another life, I'd be a house wife from the fifties. I dream of having one of those fancy little housewife dresses on, and when my husband walks through the door, my hands are dressed with two oven mitts and the hot dish I just pulled from the oven, ready perfectly on time for his arrival. In all truth I'm a 20 year old army wife with an almost six month old baby. Dinner is never done on time, and I don't wear dresses. EVER. But maybe by the time I'm really 30, I'll be a much better housewife.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
   I have done my fair share of both. And while my head keeps telling me the answer to this question is never trying..my heart tells me the answer is failing. I think failing is like rejection. I tried it, I gave it my all..and I sucked horribly. If I never try, at least I don't have to feel like I lost. If I never try, I can put it in the back of my mind, and conciously forget I ever wanted to attempt it. If I fail. It's plain as day, right there- in my face.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
   Because we are human. We make mistakes, we make poor decisions, we do things we never thought we would do, and we never do things we intended on doing. That's just life. Sometimes the wrong answer is the easy answer, and sometimes life gets the best of us, and our intentions are never followed through on.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
   Not if I have my way. I have so many aspirations for my future. I have so many things I dream of accomplishing, and if I accomplish even half..I'll be okay with that. I want to make my world of people proud of me. Most importantly my son and my husband. But also, truly...myself.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
   I feel as if the whole world is unhappy. No one is ever content with what they have. People too often (myself included) take things for granted, and don't appreciate the things and people in their lives. We are all fortunate enough to breathe another breath, and dream a bigger dream. Today's divorce rate is sickening. People have decided to always look for better, in my opinion. People to often forget why they once fell in-love, stop caring about making things work, and appreciating the person who has committed themselves to the other. Love is a choice. If you choose to give up, look elsewhere, stray, wonder, or all together give up. When did our country decide divorcing was so normal? When did people decide that giving up and looking elsewhere was okay? I understand, some people change. Some people turn into someone they once were not. But really America, why must our whole world divorce? This is tragically sad to me. Truly. I hate the D word. I hate it spoken, I hate it threatened, and I more so hate it happening.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
   Love. No questions asked. I love being in love. I love loving. I love showing my love. I love-....LOVE!
   I will not pretend to be the most lovey-dovey person in the world, however, I love being in love. Without love I would be lost. My husband whole-heatedly is the center of my heart. We may not always be flowers and rainbows, but we are always in love. The worst of the worst experiences have not torn us apart, and I'd like to believe they never will. My husband truly is my rock, and my soul mate. I gave my heart to him seven years ago, and he will have it until the day I'm in the ground. He makes my heart beat, and he puts the light in my eyes. I breathe for my son and my husband. So if the national currency were LOVE, I would be the richest person walking this earth.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
   I'd say truthfully I am doing both. At this exact moment in my life, I am settling for what I'm doing. I'm being a wife, and a mommy, and I'm putting me on the back burner...but with all honesty...THATS WHAT I BELIEVE IN. I believe I am second to my family at this moment in time. The most important thing to me right now, is raising and taking care of my son, and supporting my husband who has given up years of his life to do a job he believes in. I would love to be in school, acheving personal greatness.. making something wonderfully admire-able out of myself, but to me, that's not as important as taking care of my family. So when my husband comes home, I long to work out a schedule in which I can attend school, and he can spend time alone with our son. I hate the concept of day-care but realize it will be somewhat necessary. Oh, am I sidetracked again? Back to the question.. I'm doing both.. because they have crossed paths.. I'm settling for putting MYSELF on the backseat, BECAUSE that is what I believe in.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
   I would steal my husband from the army..because the hell if a deployment or 5 is going to steal years out of my 40 years of life. There's just not enough time in 40 years to be spent away from him. Lets just face the facts. I'll live much longer then 40 years.. (atleast I HOPE I do.) and as it is, I hate spending a year on end without that man beside me. I hold on to every single second I have with him, which I realize now, is probably overbearing..and I'm sure he cannot stand it. But when the smell of deployment fills my home, the smell of my husband begins to fade. I want every single second I can have with him...as if I will miss out on a breath he takes. I'm in panic mode. So if I had only forty years.. My husband would not be spending years in far off lands, oh and I'd have more babies, RIGHT AWAY. I'd go to school. I'd make something of myself, something he would be proud of. I'd take a million pictures for my babies to have. And I'd get a good life insurance policy so at least my kids had good money to live up the remainder of their forty years!
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
   Life is full of fate and decisions in my mind. It's a fifty fifty. Sometimes we make choices, and sometimes we react to situations. Sometimes we let fate take us where we're going, and other times, we choose the path we wish to follow. My life is a combination of both things. Decisions. And. Fate.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
    I'm actually a worry wart. And I'm equally worried about both things. I think all people fear being judged, and all people fear rejection. We want everyone to see that we are doing everything correctly. But who does everything perfect? Doing the right thing makes me feel good. For instance, I was at the drug store the other day picking up a proscription and milk, and gas drops for my son. The man forgot to ring up the 8$ gas drops, so when he told me my total I knew it was wrong. I pointed it out. For the remainder of the day, I felt good about that. So many people in the world today, would have celebrated the fact that they had 8 extra dollars in their pocket. I spent my day celebrating my honesty.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?
    I'm going to be disgustingly honest here. Judge me all you want.. I don't say anything. Does that make me a bad friends? I hate being the odd one out. I hate feeling like the elephant in the room. I of course don't join in on this blabber..but I don't defend either. I'm a terrible friend. But at least I'm honest. If this were a friend I was extremely close with..I'd mouth up and bite the bullet.. but if it's just a kind-of-friend.. I truthfully keep my mind shut, and move on with my day... okay, stop judging me now..
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
    Follow your heart. Not your head.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
    Without a doubt..without a second thought.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
    I hate the word insanity. I think creativity is beautiful, in all shapes. So I'm not quite sure how to answer this question. I think creativity is what makes a person beautiful. I have been with people who see a woman completely covered in tattoos..when they crack a joke, or say eww.. or even "what the hell was she thinking", I can't help but think.. "She was thinking she does what she wants, that she is fully in control of her body and won't allow peoples judgments to stop her from doing what she wants to do." So I guess, the truth is, I see beauty in peoples own creativity, even if other people consider it insane! :)
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
    I prefer to brush my teeth in the shower. And I fancy putting ketchup or ranch on anything and EVERYTHING.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
    Because everyone has their own vision, and opinion. No two people see everything exactly the same. It is all fuzzy and warm to think that people who love us will be happy that we are happy..but the truth is.. more times then not.. that is not the case! People always want everyone to do things they would approve of.. or do things how they would do them. I think relationships are composed of compromise. While you must be yourself, and do things to make your self happy, you must also compromise in order to be a whole.  At some point in your life, you have to find an equal medium between making yourself happy, and keeping those who matter to you happy.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What's holding you back?
    I would love to go to hair school. I would love it. I love hair. I love my hair, other peoples hair. Hair. Hair. Hair. My husband is deployed and my son is not even six months old. This dream is on hold until a more convenient time. Perhaps, when my husband comes home, and my son is a year old..and we can work out a schedule between day care and my husband.. then this dream will become a reality. Until then, I'm more then happy to be a stay at home mommy, and not miss a single second of my sons first year of life..and not miss a single phone call or instant message from my husband- who is worlds away.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
    Don't we all? Isn't our past always a part of us? No matter how damaging or derogatory it may be.. I think it's always going to be there..lurking in the cobwebs of our brains. I think it's okay told hold on, as long as what you're holding onto helps make you a better you in the future.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
    I'm currently in Michigan. Staying with my mom until just before the end of this deployment. But trust me, I'd much rather be in Tennessee. I think I was meant to be born there. The people are friendly. The countryside is beautiful, and the weather is to die for. If I had my way, we'd never live in Michigan again. I always tell my husband, I enjoy being far enough away to miss Michigan, and close enough to visit.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
    I push it once. And I'm absolutely positive, that pushing it multiple times, will not make it go any faster. I just think people have a lack of patience these days.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
    A joyful simpleton. I worry enough as it is...and I'm far from genius. But I wouldn't wish the worry wart gene on anyone. If you let worrying take over your life, you will never really live...so what good would it be to a genius, who does nothing but worry?!
22. Why are you, you?
    I am a perfect compilation of my past, and my future. I say this because I think every event in your life, helps shape you into who you are today. However I also think your dreams and goals and aspirations help make you exactly who you want to be. So I am me because of my dreams, and because of my adventures and experiences.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
    Honestly, Not always. But when I have a true friend, who means the world to me, and I can truly rely on and trust, I put stock into that. I give then my heart, and I am always there. No one is perfect. I have always preferred to stay at my own home. I have always wanted my friends to come to me. I have often turned down plans and activities, in order to sit home and do nothing. I can't explain why.. but I often regret it. I will come up with the lamest of lame excuses. Oh I think I'm getting a cold.. I have to go grocery shopping..I'm waiting for a package in the mail, that I must sign for.. Ect. ect.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
    Loosing touch with a good friend who lives right near you. As an army wife, I know the day will come when I see a good friend PCS. or when we ourselves PCS. I have already watched great friends get out of the army and move back to their hometown. How sad. I miss those friends all the time. But we still talk. We still keep in contact, and we in fact plan to visit, when my dear hubby comes home. So I say loosing touch with someone who is right there is the worst. That person is missing from your life.
25. What are you most grateful for?
    My son. My son makes me see the world in a whole nother light. I have a new appreciation for all things, and I have learned so much about myself during this journey of motherhood I am on. Being a mom is the most rewarding (and hardest) thing I have ever done. He is by far the biggest blessing I have ever been given.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
    This is really tough. I guess I would rather loose all my old memories. Because I have only been married for a year and a half, and my son is only 5 months old. Both my marriage and my son have so much to show me in the future, and I can't wake to make beautiful memories with both.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
    I think that people choose to challenge the truth, because they have doubt. Some people find it nessicary to have every ounce of proof, before they believe anything..or they have to "see it for themselves" so to say. But, yes..it is possible.
    
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
    No. And I'm grateful for that every single day.
    
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?
    No. Life goes on. Things hurt, and they hurt for a while. But can I tell you what I was hurting over five years ago? Sure I can generalize.. but specifically? No. Maybe I have been blessed with less life changing, traumatizing, events in my life. But truthfully I'm trying to live my life looking forward, and not backwords.
    
30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?
    Honestly, I did not have a bad childhood. But nothing sticks out in my mind. There was nothing overly spectacular. We did not take big family vacations, have family reunions or do extravagant things. I'd never left my home state, until my husband was in boot camp. My childhood truly did not have a spectacular moment that is near and dear to my heart, as sad as that sounds.
    
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
    I would have to say in the fist few weeks of my husbands deployment I felt the most passionate and alive. I rediscovered reasons for which I loved him. I began missing the little things that I never realized I even cared about. My heart ached for my husband, which was a nice change from arguing over bills, and stress, and worrying about having everything ready for this deployment. While it hurt so terribly to miss every little thing, it made me fall in love with my husband all over again. Funny how things like this happen.. Your husband leaves for Afghanistan, and all of a sudden a new appreciation for the little things that you miss.. suddenly your more in love with him, then the day you married him.
    
32. If not now, then when?
    I'm such a bad example for this question. I love to plan things out. Down to the tee. And then I procrastinate and ruin my plan! Ugh... I guess my answer to this is as follows:
    People do things on their own time, when it's good for them, when it will work, when it's convenient, or when they finally kick themselves in the ass and force themselves to perform. So if not now...Whenever you get around to it!
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
    Confidence. The fear of never achieving, I think keeps people from trying. The only thing worse then not trying, is failing miserably.
    
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
    Honestly, no. I am a very emotional person. I like to hear things verbalized to me. I want to hear how you feel, how much you love me, or hate me, or what is bothering you. I don't like things implied, and I hate reading between the lines.
    
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
    I do not like this question, and I am choosing to not answer it.
    
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
    Of course, because good and evil are all in the eyes of the beholder. You may perceive good in something I perceive evil. Everything in life, is all about how you see it.
    
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
    I'm currently a stay at home mother, so No. I would not quit my job, because being a stay at home mom is the best thing I have ever done. I wouldn't want a nanny. I wouldn't want a sitter. But I wouldn't mind hiring a maid! ;)
    
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
    I would rather have more work I enjoy, then do less work, that I hate.
    
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
    Sometime, I truly do. This deployment "routine" just isn't for me. I enjoy the everyday adventure of having my husband home. I enjoy spending time with friends, and mostly my husband. I enjoy having that person to talk to every single day. Since this deployment, it's me and the boy, against the world. We do live with my mom, but she works two jobs, and I rarely see her. I miss my beautiful TN. I miss having friends going through the same things, and I miss being on my own.. with space of my own, and a life of my own. I long for the change of scenery, the change of space, and well..quite honestly, to sleep on a mattress and not a couch.I long for adult conversation, and my husbands touch. But mostly just to have my own space, and be able to spread my wings once more.
    
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
    My husband and I had dated all through high school. Up's and down's. Breakups, and makeups. He left for Iraq, and we stayed together, broke up, were kind of together, broke up. We always loved each other. That was the constant in our relationship. When my husband returned home from Iraq, on a whim he asked me to drive the 10 hours to come and see him, through the night. I did it. We were technically broken up..(at least I think we were?) Anyhow, I spent two nights there, and when it came time to leave, he asked me to stay one more. So I did. I called into the job I took ever-so seriously.. I called my mom and pissed her off.. and I stayed. We drove back to MI that next day. And it was then and there we decided we were getting married. We didn't want to spend more time apart. I didn't want him going back to Fort Campbell and me staying in Michigan. I didn't want to continue to ride this roller coaster separate.  I told my mother, she was against me moving there. I spoke nothing of this marriage we had secretly planned. But I went. He did not tell his family I was coming. A couple short days later, my husband and I wed. Alone. On a night with a beautiful, simple, slow snowfall. Probably the most beautiful snow I ever witnessed fall in Tennessee. When the secret was out, people were angry, sad, hurt. But in the end, I followed my heart, I believed so much in this man, and our relationship and our future and the love we had shared all of thees years, that I was proud of the choice we made. It was the first time in our lives, and our relationship, that truly no ones opinion mattered, and we did what we did solely for us. In December we will have been married for two years. We have the most full of life, handsome 5 month old son. And I'd say we love each other more today then we did the day we married. I have found a new appreciation for my husband, since he left, and I would not change a thing about the way we "ran off and married".
    
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
    I would spend tonight closely enclosed with my son and my husband and the closest of our family members.
    
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
    No. That's superficial. I think God chooses when we come and when we go. He chooses what we look like and what we do with our lives. Who am I to trade ten years of the life God has given me for fame or beauty?
    
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
    Everyone breathing, is alive. To truly live, is to make your life what you want it to be, to follow your dreams, to be happy and blissful, to enjoy each day, and make memories, not just moments.
    
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
    I think calculating risk and reward makes life to stressful. Follow your heart, do what you know is right!
    
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
    Because making a mistaken feels like a failure. We don't see the lesson in the mistake until we have gotten over the feeling of failing, and have moved on.
    
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
    I would write a book, spilling my entire past. Every corner of my memory spilled into words on pages for the world to read.
    
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
    HA! When I was giving birth to my son. BREATH...BREATH..."I'm breathing..don't you fools hear me?"
    
48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
    I love my husband. I love my son. Just a couple days ago I mailed something out to my husband to try to express my love him and show him, just what he means to me. I think he will love what this surprise is, and I'm hoping it shows him a new aspect of just how much I care for him, especially when he is so far away.
    
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?
    Sadly, no. The last few days have been just another day. I could have walked through them with my eyes closed. Nothing major happened. Nothing exciting took place, and nothing memorable happened.
    
50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
    I'd say my life is a fair mixture of both. I am a fine friend of compromise. I think you cannot exist in a marriage without compromise, and compassion. They are to very important factors. I never ever make a major decision without my husbands input and point of view. At the end of the day, no decision will be as important as having my husband by my side, therefore his input and opinion matter greatly to me, and weigh heavily on each decision I make.
    
    
    And now...My Mind Is Free..
    
    More question and answers to come later.
    
    But right now, my son is unhappy and fussy, so I'm off to pick him up, spoil him, and baby him. After all he is teething, five months old, and the light of my life..he deserves to be spoiled a little every now and then... every minute of every single day! :)
    
    
    Peace And Love
    <3 AA