Sunday, January 22, 2012

Pure Triumph

Well, what can I say? It's been a hell of a year....two years of hell? I don't quite know how to word it...
And I'm having a hard time making it sound to be blunt... The last two years have been hella crazy. HELLA? (shout out to F.Robinson...that word reminds me of you love!)

I left Fort Campbell in tears...terrified my husband would not return from his deployment. Terrified we would loose good friends, terrified to be a brand new mother, whose husband was at war, and whose mind was in a million places all at once.  
*Why didn't anyone offer me a xanax back then?*

Anyways, I spent that entire year in fear. Fearful that I was not the best mother...that I had no idea what I was doing, that I would do something wrong...that I wouldn't do something I should be doing. Fearful my husband would loose his life to this war, that he wouldn't love me when he came home, that we wouldn't be connected...that this war would change who we had been for so long.

After ten lonely, dreadful months of deployment and single parenting, my husband came home for R &R and I was no longer fearful. I was devastated. I had spent these ten months worrying I wasn't sending enough boxes, worrying he wasn't feeling my love from so far away, worried I didn't know the right words to say when he was down... I never once worried he was having an affair. Not until the day I found out about the affair that I never imagined he was having. And from there...there was another year.

My husband never once admitted to this affair. The woman did, her husband did, a handful of other soldiers did....spouses did...(yes even other spouses knew..) But me? I was clueless...and he felt innocent. What did he owe me? Nothing. He was the soldier, fighting the war...and nothing he did would ever warrant punishment, or guilt. He is so much above me, that he is the innocent one. In fact, this was all my fault.

No, I am no longer the idiot who believes that...but for a long time...I did...because I allowed him to make me feel that way.
I spent the year following this heart shattering news, tearing myself apart...and now putting myself back together. I spent three fourths of that year tearing myself apart. Begging him to love me again, hating the world, hating myself, but mostly hating her. I spent much time the dark...crying. Tears no one knew about. I preferred it that way. Everyone around me said he's an *insert expletive here*  "Get over it..." "You deserve better" "He doesn't deserve you". I didn't care. No one in the world knew me like that man and all I wanted was his love. (Now I ask myself why? Why would I want the love of a man so willing to shatter me)
Needless to say, we spent the next six or so months fucking with each others trying to win him back...him trying to decide what he wanted.

In the last couple months of 2011 I found myself a new person almost. I had faced the worst of the worst that year- - A deployment, a divorce, a mental break down (or 10)... And I was still breathing. I was still whole...and I was still a damn good mother. I think one day I just woke up (Yes, I honestly mean one day I just woke up...literally) And said I don't care anymore. I realized I could have a beating heart without this man...I realized how much I had dealt with and how much I didn't deserve to hurt. I realized what kind of person I was and how much I had done for others... I realized I deserved someone who loved me enough to be faithful to me and to treat me right.

So hello 2012....Thank you for stopping by.
With this new year, I have found my dreams spirit, and MYSELF.
And Damn, it feels good to be me!
This year, I am determined to walk with my head held high and know my own worth.
Maybe I will fall in love this year...maybe I won't. Either way this year will be better then last year, and I will no longer depend on someone else's love to make me happy. 
I made it through the last two years...I can make it through anything.
I have a heart that is full again...complete and whole...and I can only hope to love someone who loves me just as much back.
I think the best thing about getting your heart broken, is realizing your worth...and the feeling you get when you let go, and you take that first breath as a free person again.

I want to laugh again...and love...and laugh with the person I love...every single day.
If it's not fun anymore, I'm not doing it.
I'm not wasting my life away with someone who doesn't want to enjoy me.
And I want to be surprised.
I want to be swept off my feet.
I want to be astonished by someones passion for life...but more-so by someones passion for me.
I want to love someone who loves me for exactly who I am....
Someone who will forever allow me to be that person. 
Someone who believes in me and someone who wants to see me happy. 
Someone trustworthy and honest, and someone who only wants me.
Are you out there? Can you hear me...I'm looking for you!

 I'm feeling rather triumphent and whole...
I'm feeling proud of myself for the place I'm in today.

Until next time,

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