Thursday, January 12, 2012

Destination Unknown.

It has been a long rough journey, and I still don't know where I'm going to end up. I have found myself low...and on top...and low again.
But I think as 2011 was wrapping up and the holidays were passing... I hit rock bottom.
I realized that yet again this year, I was a single parent, playing Santa, saving money, doing the shopping, doing the wrapping, doing the celebrating. I realized that last year it was not by choice since baby bears father was deployed. However, this year... he chose to not have a family. He spent holidays with a woman he had an affair with.  

And then it dawned on me.

Why did I care? Why have I spent so much time... too much time worrying about what I did wrong. I was not perfect. I am human. I have made mistakes in the last seven years. However, I was not the downfall of this family. I did not betray my vows. I did not choose to run from my family. I was a faithful wife, who supported her husband, while raising our child alone, while he was deployed. I thought I was standing behind a man who was doing a dignified job. I was loyally waiting for a man who was having an affair.

I will never downplay that deployment. Many men were killed. Men saw things, they never should have had to seen. It was a long, hard deployment. But the death of your friends, does not permitted an affair. It is not a free pass. It is not a get out of jail free. It is not an excuse. It does not mean you are not guilty. And that is something this man has never realized. But I do not care anymore. I just don't.
I have spent close to a year wondering if he would ever genuinely be sorry. He will not. I spent the greater part of that year, wishing he was still the person he was I feel for when I was 13 years old. He will never be.

It took hitting rock bottom, faking the holidays, and hitting almost complete break down, to realize I am so much better then all of this. I gave my all. I tried to revive something someone else killed. I forgave. I had hope. I had faith. I did more then I ever should have. And now I can do whatever I want.

My life can go on from here, and I do not have to feel guilty. I don't have to feel like I gave up too soon. I don't have to feel like there was something else I could have done. 

My heart beats to a new tune. I feel a sense of freedom. I feel a sense of wholeness for the first time since before that deployment began. But most of all, I feel accomplished. I have given my all, and now I get all of myself back.

I want to love again. Without holding back. Without fear of pain and hurt and betrayal.

And my goals for this year are simple:
Be the best mom I can be.
Be the best ME I can be.
Go on a date with an open mind.
Remember my own worth
And just for fun, I'd like to go somewhere I've never been before!

I have to say that witnessing my best friend get married a couple weeks ago really made me wake up. Her husband treats her son as if he were his own. He loves her unconditionally and would do anything in his power to see her happy. Those are traits I cannot say I always had. They are things I know I am worthy of having, and I know I will not settle until I meet someone who loves me for exactly who I am, and loves my son to the moon and back.

The last two years have contained the biggest life lessons for me. I have sat by and hated myself, I have learned how to love myself, I have hurt for love, and learned it's okay to love after love. I have learned my worth, and I have learned it's okay to long as you pick yourself up off the ground before you get walked over. I have learned so many things. The most important thing I have learned is that the journey can be hard as hell...and the destination may be unknown...however knowing what you're worth can save your life.

My life is good. 
And I'm excited to have a free heart, full of love,
searching for someone who will actually appreciate it.

Yours Truly,

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