Vent, Rant, TRUTH

I'm so frustrated. I mean... really....really frustrated.
I'm tired of feeling like the only one clinging to this family.
I know I deserve better. I know my son deserves better.
Somehow I don't want better...

I want you to come to terms with the fact that you had an affair.
I want you to admitt it, Plain and bold instead of beating around the bush.
I need you to say it.
I need you to feel bad....I need you to feel SOMETHING....anything....
I need to know you still feel.....
I atleast need you to feel sympathy....some sort of sympathy.
I need your family who tells me they love me, to realize they hid this from me too.

I need them to know I didn't deserve this.

I need them to stop putting you on a pedestal like you could never do wrong.

You did wrong.

I need them to stop pretending this isn't your fault.

It's your fault.

Most of all I need the world to stop putting their input into this marriage....

I don't need your approval...any of you.

I don't need your opinions. 

I don't need you to tell me I'm better then this and can do so much better.

I need you all to sit by and watch me fail, or watch me succeed, and stand by my choices regardless.

Because I have to be able to sleep with myself at night, and I have to know I did what I felt was best, not just for me...but for my son...for you....for this family....

I need to be able to sleep....I really really need sleep.

And I need to be able to look in the mirror and know I didn't give up when I wasn't sure I should have.

I feel like if I was the one who would have cheated during the deployment, the whole world would damn me to hell.I would be that horrible whore wife who couldn't keep her legs closed during a deployment. But I did. I did.. I did everything I could to make this deployment the best it could be for you. And you..you betrayed me...you betrayed our vows...you disrespected our family. You hurt me.. but most of all you stole the sacradness of a family from our son. And for that I am mad. That's right I'm mad. Instead of being villified...or damned to hell...you are held to be an amazing man... someone who "has too much on his plate"....someone who is "going through a lot"...someone who is tired and overworked and stressed out.

You think I'm not tired? You think I don't have a lot on my plate...you think I'm not completely defeated by a year long deployment, raising a newborn alone, waiting for my husband to come home, just to find out about HER!? You think I feel good? You think my plate is empty? IM TIRED. IM TIRED AND IM STRESSED AND I FEEL DEFEATED. I feel dead inside. I feel like I dont even have the right to hurt anymore. I feel like I'm not supposed to be mad or sad or angry or hurt, because you don't give a shit about ANYTHING... and if I give up, who does our son have? Who does he have to root for this family and pray to god you pull your head out of your ass and realize what you are throwing away by being "tired...and stressed...and not giving a fuck about anything."
I have to care, because If I don't....noone will.. and if noone does...then he has noone. And he doesn't deserve this. He didn't do this...he didn't ask for this. And the one person who DID do this...just doesn't care. I'm so tired of feeling guilty that you lost friends, that you fought this war, that you went through so much...and that your not the same anymore. Everyday I wake up feeling like I need to be the one to save you...I need to be the one to bring you back to life and make you feel again. I'm tired of feeling like I need to be your hero, but the truth is...more then anything...more then anyone, I WANT TO SAVE YOU. Because I believe the fight your fighting with your own mind, is real, and valid and tragic. You may not want to admit it, your family may not want to admit it, the army WONT admit it, everyone can ignore it. But I know it's real, I know it's there, and I know you know it's there.

YOU FOUGHT A WAR....SO DID I! Everyday I'm at war with my own mind...trying to decide what is best. Do I leave the man who betrayed me and had an affair in the dust, say fuck this family and move on? Or Do I continue to fight this war, and hope that you realize you need to start caring because someone loves you more then anyone else ever will...and someone wants you to be you again. Someone wants you to be the husband and father you would of been before you left for Afghanistan? If anyone feels pride and sorrow for the men who go off to war and loose friends, loose limbs, loose time with their family, trust me--I DO! I feel for them. I think of them on a daily basis. But very few people ever think of the families they leave behind...and the wars we will be fighting when these men return. The war doesn't end when they come home. I'm still fighting it.

Broken.

    Lost.

        Defeated.

             --AA