[Disclaimer] It's been so long since I've blogged. It's not that I haven't written. I just haven't blogged. I guess I felt like I needed to get some things out, and they were just far to emotional and meaningful and person for me to blog about. I miss my blog. I miss feeling like my writing had purpose and I had something worth while to say.
[And now on to the real stuff]
There are so many people in the world. Why is it so easy to feel alone? Even in a city you know like the back of your hand...it's so easy to feel lost. I don't understand. I don't think I've ever felt so alone, or so lost in my entire life. I have people who love me, and would go to the end of the earth to help me...but I feel so lonely.
Sometimes, I think there is only one person you really need. Sometimes there is only one person you feel can help you make it through...or one person you WANT to listen. What do you do when that one person just doesn't care? How do you heal that emptiness? There comes a point in every situation, where it's do or die. Sometimes your just so exhuasted you need someone else to carry the load. Can you hear me? I need you to just take a little weight off my back...can you help me? Are you out there? What do you do when there's no answer? Do you drive on? Do you hold onto hope and faith, and know that at some point they will see you struggling and it will hit them?
I feel alone. I feel like no one can possibly understand what I am feeling, and no body has tried. I feel like the more I struggle with my emotions and my questions, the further I become from the people who mean the most to me. Can you care too much? Do you sometimes sacrifice your own well being, by caring far too much? I have always been a caring person. It hurts my heart to see others struggle, and unhappy. I know I would gladly be miserable to make the ones I love happy. But can a person really live like that? Can you really invest all of your car into others, and compromise yourself?
I think sometimes we want to get through to people who just aren't willing. They don't want to see the truth. They are so focused on seeing hate and anger, that they refuse to see love and care. It's so frustrating to want someone to understand something so bad, that you want to PHYSICALLY SHAKE THEM into reality.
I wish I had the answers. I wish I could get through to you. I wish I didn't constantly feel so alone.
Until next time...
<3 AA
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Gambler
On a warm summer's evenin' on a train bound for nowhere
I met up with the gambler, we were both too tired to sleep
So we took turns a starin' out the window at the darkness
'Til boredom overtook us and he began to speak
He said, "Son, I've made a life, out of readin' people's faces
And knowin' what their cards were by the way they held their eyes
So if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of aces
For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice"
So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light
And the night got deathly quiet and his face lost all expression
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, you gotta learn to play it right"
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done
Every gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep
'Cause every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep
And when he finished speakin', he turned back towards the window
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep
And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done
AA
Ps. Thank you Kenny Rogers
I met up with the gambler, we were both too tired to sleep
So we took turns a starin' out the window at the darkness
'Til boredom overtook us and he began to speak
He said, "Son, I've made a life, out of readin' people's faces
And knowin' what their cards were by the way they held their eyes
So if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of aces
For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice"
So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light
And the night got deathly quiet and his face lost all expression
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, you gotta learn to play it right"
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done
Every gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep
'Cause every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep
And when he finished speakin', he turned back towards the window
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep
And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done
This song has been stuck in my head for over a week now.
I've found it's relevance to me.
And I love it. I will probobly listen to this atleast another ten times today.
I'll go more into depth later....
A
Ps. Thank you Kenny Rogers
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Let's. Recap.
Well, let's just say it's been some time since I've posted anything of real substance. My life has been a real roller coaster this last year and I feel confident in saying I am finally on a steady path. To put it blatantly I had a hard time excepting the realities that my family was now broken, my dreams shattered, and everything I wished for my son and his parents, dead. Today I stand confident in my decisions, choices, actions and future. I know that new dreams are born, new wishes can be made, and new aspirations. I know that love will find me, and I will be stronger, and smarter.
In May I will be starting some classes. I'm actually very excited. It is nice to be able to focus on myself for the first time in a very long time. I don't mean that selfishly either. It's not that I am resentful for what I invested in my marriage or my husband...I am just glad to be able to invest in myself now.
In 11th grade, I left high school to move with my (then boyfriend, now...ex husband to be) to stay with him in TN for the year prior to his Iraq deployment. When he left, I moved back to Michigan and finished my last year of high school. When I graduated high school he came home. When he came home, I left my full time job, my college dreams, and my family to be with him...to get married...to support his every dream. I never once regret it. I never once hated my choice.
But I do think it's time I do something to support MY dreams.
I spent the majority of that relationship being under appreciated and overly obsessed with making everyone else happy. I would of sacrificed my soul to see him smile. What I never saw, was how my self esteem and self worth was slowly being chipped away at. I think when you put so much of yourself into someone else, and receive so little appreciation back, you compromise your very being. Being on the outside, looking in now, I can see just how long it's been since I've been myself. There are so many things about myself, that I never got to be in that relationship. I truly missed me. It seems almost delusional to say, but it's never felt so good to be me.
I spent my entire marriage trying to live up to standards. "What a good house wife would do", What he wanted, what made his job easier, what made his life easier, what made him happier, what made him succeed, what was good for him, what was good for the army...
I never once had the self esteem, or drive to worry about what made ME happy, or what would make ME succeed.
I will forever be a person who puts other before myself. I will never stop living to make others laugh and smile. I will never care more about myself, then the people I love and care about....but I will remember to take care of myself. I think we take better care of others, when we remember to take care of ourselves.
And there is nothing I love more then to see the people who mean the most to me, happy, smiling, and laughing. So from now on.... I'm just as important to myself, as those people are to me. <3
Ok, enough for tonight. I miss blogging more often. I promise to get back to this. I still have so much I want to say, but as usual I'm sorting out my thoughts.
Anyways, I love you all. Across the world... <3
In May I will be starting some classes. I'm actually very excited. It is nice to be able to focus on myself for the first time in a very long time. I don't mean that selfishly either. It's not that I am resentful for what I invested in my marriage or my husband...I am just glad to be able to invest in myself now.
In 11th grade, I left high school to move with my (then boyfriend, now...ex husband to be) to stay with him in TN for the year prior to his Iraq deployment. When he left, I moved back to Michigan and finished my last year of high school. When I graduated high school he came home. When he came home, I left my full time job, my college dreams, and my family to be with him...to get married...to support his every dream. I never once regret it. I never once hated my choice.
But I do think it's time I do something to support MY dreams.
I spent the majority of that relationship being under appreciated and overly obsessed with making everyone else happy. I would of sacrificed my soul to see him smile. What I never saw, was how my self esteem and self worth was slowly being chipped away at. I think when you put so much of yourself into someone else, and receive so little appreciation back, you compromise your very being. Being on the outside, looking in now, I can see just how long it's been since I've been myself. There are so many things about myself, that I never got to be in that relationship. I truly missed me. It seems almost delusional to say, but it's never felt so good to be me.
I spent my entire marriage trying to live up to standards. "What a good house wife would do", What he wanted, what made his job easier, what made his life easier, what made him happier, what made him succeed, what was good for him, what was good for the army...
I never once had the self esteem, or drive to worry about what made ME happy, or what would make ME succeed.
I will forever be a person who puts other before myself. I will never stop living to make others laugh and smile. I will never care more about myself, then the people I love and care about....but I will remember to take care of myself. I think we take better care of others, when we remember to take care of ourselves.
And there is nothing I love more then to see the people who mean the most to me, happy, smiling, and laughing. So from now on.... I'm just as important to myself, as those people are to me. <3
Ok, enough for tonight. I miss blogging more often. I promise to get back to this. I still have so much I want to say, but as usual I'm sorting out my thoughts.
Stay Classy America, Ireland, Israel, Germany, Afghanistan, India, Serbia & Russia.
That's right, I checked my stats...I have readers in all those places. Kinda crazy huh?Anyways, I love you all. Across the world... <3
Monday, April 4, 2011
No I didn't say T & A...I said Q & A.
I was on no sleep. Some of these answers are ridiculously sarcastic.
What is your full name as it appears on you birth certificate: Alyssa Noelle (ill leave my last name off since anyone and their mom can view this blog)
What do you like to be called: Alyssa..or obnoxious loving pet names like baby and sweeie and booboo.
Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake: 21...only there was no cake. How depressing...I didn't get to make a 21st birthday wish? Why didn't I realize this sooner? I was Jewed. *I mean no disrespect to any Jews out there.
Date you were born: December 27th.
What's your Sun sign: Capricorn.
Notable Events on the Day You Were Born: UHM...I WAS BORN! How much more notable could something be? As if anything could top that!
Parent's names: Candy...Really her name is Candice. Parent for me. The man who helped make me was a D bag. :)
Birthplace: Grose Point, MI, in your moms bathtub.
Hometown: Sterling Heights, MI
Current Residence: Still your moms bathtub.
Height: 5'4''
Eye color: Green.
Hair color: Blonde by choice.
Piercings: ears. had my bellybutton before baby bear. And I had my tragius before surgery happened. I could never get it back in.
Tattoos: Seven. I dont feel like explaining, but I really have the urge for a new one.
What's your most attractive feature: People comment on my eyes a lot. And THIS BAD ASS personality too!
Pets: I have a little brother whos 14. Does that count?
What are the perks of your job: I'm a full time mother right now. The perks beat out a pay ck and medical ANYday!
How much do you love your job: A LOT!
Are you an inside or outdoors person? Depends. I'd say I'm a little bit of both.
Do you have children? I have one. I want more. Like 25 more, I think.
What Laundry detergent do you use? Tide.
Color of socks: My feet are naked.
What did you want to be when you were little? A nurse. And a mommy. I always wanted to be a mommy. I'm 1 for 2. Not to shabby.
Danced: This afternoon.
Received flowers and from whom: My ex, at the beginning of deployment. The card should of read something like "I'm going to cheat while away, don't waste your time waiting." but it didn't. *Two thumbs down*
Watched Bambi: Never.
Got a real letter: See the RECEIVED FLOWERS question above.
Gave to charity: Goodwill. I keep that place STOCKED UP.
What did you have for breakfast? I did not eat breakfast.
What was the last movie you saw: I watched the Green Mile a few days ago. I love that movie.
From whom did you get your last e-mail? Tanning coupons.
Last person you went to dinner with? Jaxson. Mom stayed at the hospital, and Dominic is locked in his dungeon AKA bedroom.
What are you listening to right now? Jaxson snore.
Best thing that happened to you today: My son is the best thing that happens to me EVERYDAY.
Candy: I basically hate candy.
Salad Dressing: Ranch
Food: Pizza.
Cuisine: American-Italian.
Pie: Pumpkin. or Apple.
Alcoholic beverage: Sex on the Beach, or Beer. No shots. Thanks for asking though. I do indulge in the occasional margarita too! By Occasional, I mean...DON'T give me tequila often.
Type of Ice: Vanilla? :)
Your favorite potato chip? Hate chips unless their in the form of Nachos. And in that case I like them home baked.
Ice cream: Not a huge ice cream fan.
Sobe flavor: Never had a "SOBE" in my life.
Soda: I'm currently trying to give up pop again so I can loose this tummy.
Restaurant: Yamatos in TN. Hands down. I hate sushi, but their grill is to die for. Also, Old Chicago. And Shields.
Fast Food Restaurant: I gave up fast food too.
Toothpaste: As long as my breath is fresh, we're straight.
Perfume/cologne: Black by Kenneth Cole
Accessory: A kid on my hip.
Clothes: I would live in Victoria secret sweat outfits if I didn't feel like such a bum. So those, or comfy jeans and tees.
Number: 06 and 13.
Flower: Sunflowers or Daisys
Smell: Vanilla
Song you love but are embarrassed to admit to:The Gambler- Kenny Rogers! <3
Favorite sport to watch on TV: HOCKEY!
Sport to Watch at the game: HOCKEY!
Sports team:Uhm is there any team other then the Detroit Red Wings?!
Car: My Black Dodge Nitro is my SECOND baby!
What do you want for Christmas: Love Please.
What movie makes you cry: PS I LOVE YOU, but I love that movie. It's one of my top favs!
Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds please.
Coffee or Coffee Ice Cream: Coffee.
Creamy or crunchy peanut butter: Creamy.
What's the right way to eat a Reese's: I hate chocolate...so no way at all.
Are you a morning person or a night owl? I'll be whatever you want me to be baby ;)
Pedicure or manicure? Pedicure. and that is THE ONLY time (other then my tattoo) that someone is EVER allowed to touch my foot.
What first catches your eye in the opposite (or same) sex (ie, legs, boobs, etc): Height and then eyes.
What do you look for in a person: Respect, if you cant respect me, get the fuck out. Humor, honesty, values.
If you could be any place right now, where would you choose: TN. I miss it soooo much!
Childhood Blanket or Stuffed Animal: I'm a sucker for a teddy bear. Buy me a teddy bear, I'll marry you.
One pillow or two: The more the better..and by more I mean upwords of four.
Which came first; the chicken or the egg? My mom.
Is honesty the best policy: YES! If you can't be honest....what's the point? Why do something you're not proud of?
Are you the jealous type: If you give me a reason to be once...I will be quite a few more times.
What's your pet peeve: Disrespect. Latent, Rude, Careless Disrespect.
What are you afraid of: Being alone forever.
I was clearly bored. Now I shall sleep.
What is your full name as it appears on you birth certificate: Alyssa Noelle (ill leave my last name off since anyone and their mom can view this blog)
What do you like to be called: Alyssa..or obnoxious loving pet names like baby and sweeie and booboo.
Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake: 21...only there was no cake. How depressing...I didn't get to make a 21st birthday wish? Why didn't I realize this sooner? I was Jewed. *I mean no disrespect to any Jews out there.
Date you were born: December 27th.
What's your Sun sign: Capricorn.
Notable Events on the Day You Were Born: UHM...I WAS BORN! How much more notable could something be? As if anything could top that!
Parent's names: Candy...Really her name is Candice. Parent for me. The man who helped make me was a D bag. :)
Birthplace: Grose Point, MI, in your moms bathtub.
Hometown: Sterling Heights, MI
Current Residence: Still your moms bathtub.
Height: 5'4''
Eye color: Green.
Hair color: Blonde by choice.
Piercings: ears. had my bellybutton before baby bear. And I had my tragius before surgery happened. I could never get it back in.
Tattoos: Seven. I dont feel like explaining, but I really have the urge for a new one.
What's your most attractive feature: People comment on my eyes a lot. And THIS BAD ASS personality too!
Pets: I have a little brother whos 14. Does that count?
What are the perks of your job: I'm a full time mother right now. The perks beat out a pay ck and medical ANYday!
How much do you love your job: A LOT!
Are you an inside or outdoors person? Depends. I'd say I'm a little bit of both.
Do you have children? I have one. I want more. Like 25 more, I think.
What Laundry detergent do you use? Tide.
Color of socks: My feet are naked.
What did you want to be when you were little? A nurse. And a mommy. I always wanted to be a mommy. I'm 1 for 2. Not to shabby.
When Was The Last Time You:
Took a shower: This morning.Danced: This afternoon.
Received flowers and from whom: My ex, at the beginning of deployment. The card should of read something like "I'm going to cheat while away, don't waste your time waiting." but it didn't. *Two thumbs down*
Watched Bambi: Never.
Got a real letter: See the RECEIVED FLOWERS question above.
Gave to charity: Goodwill. I keep that place STOCKED UP.
What did you have for breakfast? I did not eat breakfast.
What was the last movie you saw: I watched the Green Mile a few days ago. I love that movie.
From whom did you get your last e-mail? Tanning coupons.
Last person you went to dinner with? Jaxson. Mom stayed at the hospital, and Dominic is locked in his dungeon AKA bedroom.
What are you listening to right now? Jaxson snore.
Best thing that happened to you today: My son is the best thing that happens to me EVERYDAY.
What is Your Favorite:
Breakfast cereal: Peanut Butter Capt N Crunch.Candy: I basically hate candy.
Salad Dressing: Ranch
Food: Pizza.
Cuisine: American-Italian.
Pie: Pumpkin. or Apple.
Alcoholic beverage: Sex on the Beach, or Beer. No shots. Thanks for asking though. I do indulge in the occasional margarita too! By Occasional, I mean...DON'T give me tequila often.
Type of Ice: Vanilla? :)
Your favorite potato chip? Hate chips unless their in the form of Nachos. And in that case I like them home baked.
Ice cream: Not a huge ice cream fan.
Sobe flavor: Never had a "SOBE" in my life.
Soda: I'm currently trying to give up pop again so I can loose this tummy.
Restaurant: Yamatos in TN. Hands down. I hate sushi, but their grill is to die for. Also, Old Chicago. And Shields.
Fast Food Restaurant: I gave up fast food too.
Toothpaste: As long as my breath is fresh, we're straight.
Perfume/cologne: Black by Kenneth Cole
Accessory: A kid on my hip.
Clothes: I would live in Victoria secret sweat outfits if I didn't feel like such a bum. So those, or comfy jeans and tees.
Number: 06 and 13.
Flower: Sunflowers or Daisys
Smell: Vanilla
Song you love but are embarrassed to admit to:The Gambler- Kenny Rogers! <3
Favorite sport to watch on TV: HOCKEY!
Sport to Watch at the game: HOCKEY!
Sports team:Uhm is there any team other then the Detroit Red Wings?!
Car: My Black Dodge Nitro is my SECOND baby!
What do you want for Christmas: Love Please.
What movie makes you cry: PS I LOVE YOU, but I love that movie. It's one of my top favs!
Which Is Better:
Hot tubs or pools: Pools.Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds please.
Coffee or Coffee Ice Cream: Coffee.
Creamy or crunchy peanut butter: Creamy.
What's the right way to eat a Reese's: I hate chocolate...so no way at all.
Are you a morning person or a night owl? I'll be whatever you want me to be baby ;)
Pedicure or manicure? Pedicure. and that is THE ONLY time (other then my tattoo) that someone is EVER allowed to touch my foot.
What first catches your eye in the opposite (or same) sex (ie, legs, boobs, etc): Height and then eyes.
What do you look for in a person: Respect, if you cant respect me, get the fuck out. Humor, honesty, values.
If you could be any place right now, where would you choose: TN. I miss it soooo much!
Childhood Blanket or Stuffed Animal: I'm a sucker for a teddy bear. Buy me a teddy bear, I'll marry you.
One pillow or two: The more the better..and by more I mean upwords of four.
Which came first; the chicken or the egg? My mom.
Is honesty the best policy: YES! If you can't be honest....what's the point? Why do something you're not proud of?
Are you the jealous type: If you give me a reason to be once...I will be quite a few more times.
What's your pet peeve: Disrespect. Latent, Rude, Careless Disrespect.
What are you afraid of: Being alone forever.
I was clearly bored. Now I shall sleep.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Life & Love Baby!
It's gray and rainy. And I'm in a phenomenal mood.
That is not sarcasm for those of you who personally know me and think I mean the exact oposite.
I've been rockin' out to the GAC channel all day, and it has felt amazing.
Although it just gives me another reason to miss Tennessee. :(
I will live there again someday. I feel like I belong there.
Nashville is the most amazing city in the world. (Maybe not, but of the few big cities I've seen, it tops the list.)
For the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again.
I get to simply be me.
If I want to dance ridiculously around the living room...well hell I can!
And no one is going to bitch about it.
And if I want to sing obnoxiously loud in the car,
no one is going to tell me to shut up.
Why? Because it's MY car...Because it's MY life...Because I deserve to be happy too.
I think for the longest time, I was way too concerened with making everyone else happy,
That I never worried about making me happy.
There is no room left for ornery people in my life.
I enjoy laughing waaaayyyy too much for that.
If you can't laugh with me, you sure as hell can't hang with me.
And if you don't appreciate me, you don't deserve me.
Cheers to life and love!
I know somewhere out there I will find an amazing person who will laugh with me, cry with me, and be ridiculous with me :) Someone who will love me for me, and someone who will let me steal their tee shirts, because God knows letting me wear all of your clothes is on the top of my requirements list. DUH!
Life is way to short to not have fun and to sacrifice your own happiness for someone elses.
The past is the past, and I'm never looking back.
That is not sarcasm for those of you who personally know me and think I mean the exact oposite.
I've been rockin' out to the GAC channel all day, and it has felt amazing.
Although it just gives me another reason to miss Tennessee. :(
I will live there again someday. I feel like I belong there.
Nashville is the most amazing city in the world. (Maybe not, but of the few big cities I've seen, it tops the list.)
For the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again.
I get to simply be me.
If I want to dance ridiculously around the living room...well hell I can!
And no one is going to bitch about it.
And if I want to sing obnoxiously loud in the car,
no one is going to tell me to shut up.
Why? Because it's MY car...Because it's MY life...Because I deserve to be happy too.
I think for the longest time, I was way too concerened with making everyone else happy,
That I never worried about making me happy.
There is no room left for ornery people in my life.
I enjoy laughing waaaayyyy too much for that.
If you can't laugh with me, you sure as hell can't hang with me.
And if you don't appreciate me, you don't deserve me.
Cheers to life and love!
I know somewhere out there I will find an amazing person who will laugh with me, cry with me, and be ridiculous with me :) Someone who will love me for me, and someone who will let me steal their tee shirts, because God knows letting me wear all of your clothes is on the top of my requirements list. DUH!
Life is way to short to not have fun and to sacrifice your own happiness for someone elses.
The past is the past, and I'm never looking back.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Empty Eyes
Today I looked into the eyes of an empty soul.
Someone who lost so much of themselves, they aren't even sure who they are.
Today I looked into the eyes of a person I once knew....
Only they were not there.
That person was missing. Gone. The person was no longer there.
The eyes wern't even the same.
Empty, cold, shallow eyes.
Today I looked into the eyes of an empty soul.
Someone who lost so much of themselves, they aren't even sure who they are.
Today I looked into the eyes of a person I once knew....
Only they were not there.
That person was missing. Gone. The person was no longer there.
The eyes wern't even the same.
Empty, cold, shallow eyes.
Today I looked into the eyes of an empty soul.
Someone who lost so much of themselves, they aren't even sure who they are.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
RALPHY!
"For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Really...who do I think I am refering to Ralph Waldo Emerson as "Ralphy"? I do not know.
However, I'm over tired, super annoyed, andslightly extremely anxious.
So I leave you with these beautiful words, from an amazing writer.
I hope I find the time, and organization and patience to blog about everything rambling through my head right now, but you never really know....
.AA.
P.s I am still looking for someone to make me a button, and help me revamp up this blog. I need change...I'm desperate for a change. I may even change the title of this blog, YES again. I just don't feel at home with it, and I really really really want to feel at home with it.
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Really...who do I think I am refering to Ralph Waldo Emerson as "Ralphy"? I do not know.
However, I'm over tired, super annoyed, and
So I leave you with these beautiful words, from an amazing writer.
I hope I find the time, and organization and patience to blog about everything rambling through my head right now, but you never really know....
.AA.
P.s I am still looking for someone to make me a button, and help me revamp up this blog. I need change...I'm desperate for a change. I may even change the title of this blog, YES again. I just don't feel at home with it, and I really really really want to feel at home with it.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Quote Me Not
" His hello was the end of her endings
Her smile, their first step down the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever was as simple as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer was I do. "
Her smile, their first step down the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever was as simple as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer was I do. "
C.B
Monday, January 24, 2011
In a Perfectly-Imperfect World
In the perfect world, I would be Carrie Bradshaw.
I would write and the whole world would listen.
My words would be publicized in amazing magazines.
I would be completely secure with myself, and my life.
I would own lavish dresses, made by fancy people.
I'd wear expensive shoes with red bottoms.
My Mac book would accompany me in bed, on nights when I cannot sleep.
And I would end each day with words of wisdom,
Summarizing the facts of life.
It all sounds so wonderful.
However John James Preston "Big", would have married me years ago.
I'd fill my luxury New York City apartment with babies.
I'd trade in my Manolo Blahnik's for practical shoes,
and I'd only wear Louis to fancy expensive date nights with my husband.
I'd choose our pick-up-and-go army life.
I'd be more then satisfied with babies, and blue jeans.
I guess where I'm going with this is...
I wished the world still lived with the values of the fifties.
People did not have much...
But they valued what they had...their families, and their homes.
We live in a world full ofglamor and substance.
And people forget to enjoy thethings that are not actually things.
I love you Carrie Bradshaw. I really do.
I admire your presence, and your confidence.
I dream of your job with Vogue.
And laying in bed on a Mac Book, writing things people love to read.
I admire the way you carry yourself, and the friends you have.
But I would not trade my life for yours.
I think sometimes, the most important thing we can do,
Is to stop wishing for more and for better...
And look around at what we have been blessed with.
It's easy to admire someone elses life, if you haven't taken the time to admire your own.
Appreciative, AA <3
My words would be publicized in amazing magazines.
I would be completely secure with myself, and my life.
I would own lavish dresses, made by fancy people.
I'd wear expensive shoes with red bottoms.
And those shoes would walk the streets of New York City....
With the best friends a girl could ever ask for.My Mac book would accompany me in bed, on nights when I cannot sleep.
And I would end each day with words of wisdom,
Summarizing the facts of life.
It all sounds so wonderful.
However John James Preston "Big", would have married me years ago.
I'd fill my luxury New York City apartment with babies.
I'd trade in my Manolo Blahnik's for practical shoes,
and I'd only wear Louis to fancy expensive date nights with my husband.
Hell, in all reality, I don't think I would trade places with Carrie Bradshaw.
I'd choose to have met my husband seven years ago, and to have married at 18.I'd choose our pick-up-and-go army life.
I'd be more then satisfied with babies, and blue jeans.
I guess where I'm going with this is...
Things are not always greener on the other side.
It's so easy these days to look at someone else and admire what they have.I wished the world still lived with the values of the fifties.
People did not have much...
But they valued what they had...their families, and their homes.
We live in a world full of
And people forget to enjoy the
I love you Carrie Bradshaw. I really do.
I admire your presence, and your confidence.
I dream of your job with Vogue.
And laying in bed on a Mac Book, writing things people love to read.
I admire the way you carry yourself, and the friends you have.
But I would not trade my life for yours.
I think sometimes, the most important thing we can do,
Is to stop wishing for more and for better...
And look around at what we have been blessed with.
It's easy to admire someone elses life, if you haven't taken the time to admire your own.
Appreciative, AA <3
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Short and Sweet
Little bear didn't sleep last night, and today he seems to be coming down with a cold...so I'm not anticipating much sleep tonight either. I'll keep this rather short, since I'm exhausted and don't feel like going into depth about tonights thought.
In my short life, I have witnessed so many people who think it is okay to treat others like total.....crap.
And I don't think I have ever really taken the time to realize just how wrong this is.
Since when do people think it's okay to walk all over people who love them?
I feel like every time I turn around there is an amazing person being treated like...crap, by someone they treat rather well.
I guess this all really just goes along with my rant about how people continue to take others for granted...but it really has been bothering me lately.
Why do people have so many nice things to say once your dead....
But treat you like shit, and say the meanest things, while your alive and can feel the pain those words cause?
Everyone thought my uncle was crazy before he died. Talked about how he was loosing his mind. I'm fairly positive none of us took the time to tell him how much we'd miss him if he were gone, or how much we loved him, and how funny he was. We didn't take the time to tell him how his funny expressions make us laugh. But now, when my son makes that funny face...I think of him instantly, and regret never saying things. I wish we didn't always learn these lessons, when it was too late...
<3 AA
In my short life, I have witnessed so many people who think it is okay to treat others like total.....crap.
And I don't think I have ever really taken the time to realize just how wrong this is.
Since when do people think it's okay to walk all over people who love them?
I feel like every time I turn around there is an amazing person being treated like...crap, by someone they treat rather well.
I guess this all really just goes along with my rant about how people continue to take others for granted...but it really has been bothering me lately.
Why do people have so many nice things to say once your dead....
But treat you like shit, and say the meanest things, while your alive and can feel the pain those words cause?
Everyone thought my uncle was crazy before he died. Talked about how he was loosing his mind. I'm fairly positive none of us took the time to tell him how much we'd miss him if he were gone, or how much we loved him, and how funny he was. We didn't take the time to tell him how his funny expressions make us laugh. But now, when my son makes that funny face...I think of him instantly, and regret never saying things. I wish we didn't always learn these lessons, when it was too late...
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The moments that matter
I know I just updated and all...but I just had a moment, that I could not pass up sharing.
And it kind of goes along with what I just blogged about..
My son woke up and wouldn't allow me to rock him back to sleep. So I resorted to the old, tiny bit of bottle trick. I made a quick bottle, and scooped him up in my arms. I sat down on the couch and removed his bink.I set it next to us. And began to give him his bottle. About half way through, he stopped looking at me, and began to stare off into space. I figured he was just getting sleepy, before I realized what he was really up too!
His bink was exactly his arms length away. I watched his little tiny fingers fiddle with the nipple, and then the edges. He was working so hard at getting it! He never stopped to look back at me, or even at that bink! He just continued to fiddle, until he had it. And then he pulled it up to his mouth and held it right there next to his bottle. He left it there, until the last drop of milk was gone, and I removed the bottle. Then he placed his bink into his mouth and fell right to sleep.
It's the moments like these that I live for. The moments that some don't understand, and will never cherish.
These are the moments that make me smile, no matter what is going on, and appreciate every second I have with my little boy, cuddled up in my arms.
Somethings are irreplaceable. Most of those things...are not things at all.
THIS was one of those things!
And it kind of goes along with what I just blogged about..
My son woke up and wouldn't allow me to rock him back to sleep. So I resorted to the old, tiny bit of bottle trick. I made a quick bottle, and scooped him up in my arms. I sat down on the couch and removed his bink.I set it next to us. And began to give him his bottle. About half way through, he stopped looking at me, and began to stare off into space. I figured he was just getting sleepy, before I realized what he was really up too!
His bink was exactly his arms length away. I watched his little tiny fingers fiddle with the nipple, and then the edges. He was working so hard at getting it! He never stopped to look back at me, or even at that bink! He just continued to fiddle, until he had it. And then he pulled it up to his mouth and held it right there next to his bottle. He left it there, until the last drop of milk was gone, and I removed the bottle. Then he placed his bink into his mouth and fell right to sleep.
It's the moments like these that I live for. The moments that some don't understand, and will never cherish.
These are the moments that make me smile, no matter what is going on, and appreciate every second I have with my little boy, cuddled up in my arms.
Somethings are irreplaceable. Most of those things...are not things at all.
THIS was one of those things!
I have spent my fare share of gripes on getting no sleep, on a screaming baby who cannot be calmed, on late nights of rocking and feeding..but as these late night moments start to fade, and occur less and less...I begin to miss them more and more. I miss the entire house being dark and calm and quiet, and sharing that intimate time with my baby...where it's just the two of us. Cuddled Close. Experiencing something that matters so much.
I leave you with that tonight. In hopes that everyone has the chance to experience a moment, of any kind...that others would take for granted, but you- you stop to realize what it's really worth, and enjoy its every second. <3
Goodnight,
<3 AA
Monday, January 17, 2011
Just clearing my mind.
The last couple months have brought a lot of pain and hurt to many people.
Among those emotions, are pride, and hope, and admiration.
Some have laughed about memories passed.
Some of have reminiced about good times.
I think mostly, we have all cried.
I have done all of the above.
I admire the men that were lost, I admire their families for their strength and courage. I admire their wives and children, for the battles they will continue to fight each and everyday as they walk down the path of coping, and carrying on.
Most importantly I have learned.
I have learned that you never take a person you love for granted.
You never ever stop appreciating what they are in your life.
Close your eyes and imagine them vanished forever, and then tell me how much they piss you off.
Tell me how much they upset you, or frustrate you. Tell me then that you just don't care.
I have learned just how little...the little things mean, when it comes to that argument, or that fight.
Choose your battles. Some are just not worth it.
I have come to see that nothing in the world can take the place of someone you cherish so much,
and nobody words will ever ease the pain of their loss.
Everyone is always in such a rush.
Where are we going?
If the person we love isn't sitting next to us...there is nowhere all that important to go.
We can close our eyes and dream a million dreams, but if we do not have the one we drempt them with...
What are they really worth?
Stop worrying so much about the little fight, the argument, the misjudgment, the wrong turn, the burn dinner, getting woken up to early, running out of gas...whatever it is. Does it really matter?
I have realized that the most important of all things are family.
I want to wake up every single day to my son and my husband.
Not everyone still has that luxury.
I want to spend holiday mornings in the arms of my love.
Some will miss this, every single year.
I want to watch my son grow old, and give my grandbabies..
while I'm rocking in the rocking chair next to my husband.
Some will never have that.
I admire those who have lose their lover. Their best friend. Their other half.
Your strength is something I can not even fathom.
For today, and for always, I want hold my son and my husband in a higher light then ever before.
I want them to know how much I admire them, and appreciate them.
That the little fight, or the spilled juicy cup, or the hard times, will never matter, like they matter.
Those are merely specks of sand, in the big picture.
If I can wake up everyday with my son and my husband, I am forever indebted to the God, for allowing me to be so blessed, and so humbled to have had this wake up call, and see just what IS important in life.
Don't ever take those who love you for granted.
Don't run through life so fast.
Don't hold on to the little arguments and hard times...
Forever look forward and know, that if you have each other you have the most important things.
My prayer tonight is for the families and wives, who do not have another day with their hero.
May God fill your life with gentle reminders of your love, your lifetime of memories, and your dreams.
May your babies be constant reminders of who they were.
May you forever be greatful for the times you have.
I also pray for me and my family to forever be this aware of what is important, and to continue to take life for what it is worth, and realize what matters the most, and what the real importance is...FAMILY! <3
I guess that's all. I'm going to try to sleep now.
Until whenever..
<3 AA
Among those emotions, are pride, and hope, and admiration.
Some have laughed about memories passed.
Some of have reminiced about good times.
I think mostly, we have all cried.
I have done all of the above.
I admire the men that were lost, I admire their families for their strength and courage. I admire their wives and children, for the battles they will continue to fight each and everyday as they walk down the path of coping, and carrying on.
Most importantly I have learned.
I have learned that you never take a person you love for granted.
You never ever stop appreciating what they are in your life.
Close your eyes and imagine them vanished forever, and then tell me how much they piss you off.
Tell me how much they upset you, or frustrate you. Tell me then that you just don't care.
I have learned just how little...the little things mean, when it comes to that argument, or that fight.
Choose your battles. Some are just not worth it.
I have come to see that nothing in the world can take the place of someone you cherish so much,
and nobody words will ever ease the pain of their loss.
Everyone is always in such a rush.
Where are we going?
If the person we love isn't sitting next to us...there is nowhere all that important to go.
We can close our eyes and dream a million dreams, but if we do not have the one we drempt them with...
What are they really worth?
Stop worrying so much about the little fight, the argument, the misjudgment, the wrong turn, the burn dinner, getting woken up to early, running out of gas...whatever it is. Does it really matter?
I have realized that the most important of all things are family.
I want to wake up every single day to my son and my husband.
Not everyone still has that luxury.
I want to spend holiday mornings in the arms of my love.
Some will miss this, every single year.
I want to watch my son grow old, and give my grandbabies..
while I'm rocking in the rocking chair next to my husband.
Some will never have that.
I admire those who have lose their lover. Their best friend. Their other half.
Your strength is something I can not even fathom.
For today, and for always, I want hold my son and my husband in a higher light then ever before.
I want them to know how much I admire them, and appreciate them.
That the little fight, or the spilled juicy cup, or the hard times, will never matter, like they matter.
Those are merely specks of sand, in the big picture.
If I can wake up everyday with my son and my husband, I am forever indebted to the God, for allowing me to be so blessed, and so humbled to have had this wake up call, and see just what IS important in life.
Don't ever take those who love you for granted.
Don't run through life so fast.
Don't hold on to the little arguments and hard times...
Forever look forward and know, that if you have each other you have the most important things.
My prayer tonight is for the families and wives, who do not have another day with their hero.
May God fill your life with gentle reminders of your love, your lifetime of memories, and your dreams.
May your babies be constant reminders of who they were.
May you forever be greatful for the times you have.
I also pray for me and my family to forever be this aware of what is important, and to continue to take life for what it is worth, and realize what matters the most, and what the real importance is...FAMILY! <3
I guess that's all. I'm going to try to sleep now.
Until whenever..
<3 AA
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Sleepless
It's another one of those 'I'm exhausted, but not to the point where my mind will shut off and let me sleep' kind of nights. I'm not over joyed.
For the first time since my husband left, I returned to Fort Campbell. I felt at home as soon as I was close enough to recognize my surroundings. I wish I could say I returned for good, or even for vacation, but I returned for the memorial of some amazing men. I was only in town for three days, but I enjoyed being there. I somehow felt closer to my husband. I know he was still on the other side of the world, but being there..it reminded me of the life we have together. I passed places that brought back amazing memories, and it made me long for making more. I need to get motivated, and start looking online for a place for us to live, but lately things have been happening one after the other, and I never seem to be able to dedicate two minutes to that task...or sleep...or the organizing and packing of things to prepare for this move. Come on motivation and time management..I know your out there somewhere!
Anyways, in other news...tiny isn't so tiny anymore. He is a whopping nine months old. Don't dwell on that, I might break down and cry! I cannot even believe it has been nine months since he came into the world, and sometimes, I don't want too! He is justgrowing up way to quickly! My little peanut was four and a half pounds at birth, and he is a generous 18 pounds now. He is not a tiny, and people laugh at me when I call him that. Oh and he has to have surgery...yet again. My poor bear has been through so much in his short little life.
Lets recap. Why? Because this is my blog and I can.
Born seven weeks early.
23 days in the NICU.
Daddy deploys ten days later.
We move to MI.
Milk allergy discovered.
Formula recall.
Reflux and colic.
Circumcision surgery due to being a preemie.
Road trip to WI for funeral.
Road trip to TN for memorial.
AND NOW....prepare yourself..
My poor baby goes for his check up, and they discover one of his little testicles went back up.
They say it could be caused by a hernia, or it could be naturally occurring.
They keep reassuring me that this surgery is common, and simple, and everything will be fine.
THEY don't have to undress their baby, put him into a hospital gown, hug and kiss him, and hand him over to a nurse.
THEY don't have to sign papers stating they are aware of the risks of surgery and anestisia.
THEY don't realize I am a first time mother, with a deployed husband, who is handing over her only child to a bunch of people she doesn't know.
The problems have already began. I explained to the doctor when I will be moving away. He offered to do the surgery early enough to alot for Jaxsons recovery before the long trip.
So when I get the letter in the mail from his surgery team stating surgery will be the end of March, I flip.
Surgery will NOT be the end of March. Just wait till Monday. This will be fixed.
My husband should be getting leave soon. I can not be any happier. It has been eight months in the making! Dear Army,
We need this. I desperately need to see him, touch him, wake up next to him.
My husband is my rock, and I admire him, probably more then even he knows.
We will be taking a few days out of town to visit with some friends. Our moms are babysitting. Therefor, we will be spending just a little bit of time with no baby, and no anybody.
I look forward to this most. Even if it is just the travel time, and going to sleep. It's time I will value quite a bit!
Okay, my eyes have become even heavier then before. I need to try and get some sleep. It's four : ten in the morning, and my son will be up within a few short hours..like probably three.
I hate this couch, and truly miss the king sized bed in that hotel room! Oh well.
Until Next Time.
AA <3
For the first time since my husband left, I returned to Fort Campbell. I felt at home as soon as I was close enough to recognize my surroundings. I wish I could say I returned for good, or even for vacation, but I returned for the memorial of some amazing men. I was only in town for three days, but I enjoyed being there. I somehow felt closer to my husband. I know he was still on the other side of the world, but being there..it reminded me of the life we have together. I passed places that brought back amazing memories, and it made me long for making more. I need to get motivated, and start looking online for a place for us to live, but lately things have been happening one after the other, and I never seem to be able to dedicate two minutes to that task...or sleep...or the organizing and packing of things to prepare for this move. Come on motivation and time management..I know your out there somewhere!
Anyways, in other news...tiny isn't so tiny anymore. He is a whopping nine months old. Don't dwell on that, I might break down and cry! I cannot even believe it has been nine months since he came into the world, and sometimes, I don't want too! He is just
Lets recap. Why? Because this is my blog and I can.
Born seven weeks early.
23 days in the NICU.
Daddy deploys ten days later.
We move to MI.
Milk allergy discovered.
Formula recall.
Reflux and colic.
Circumcision surgery due to being a preemie.
Road trip to WI for funeral.
Road trip to TN for memorial.
AND NOW....prepare yourself..
My poor baby goes for his check up, and they discover one of his little testicles went back up.
They say it could be caused by a hernia, or it could be naturally occurring.
They keep reassuring me that this surgery is common, and simple, and everything will be fine.
THEY don't have to undress their baby, put him into a hospital gown, hug and kiss him, and hand him over to a nurse.
THEY don't have to sign papers stating they are aware of the risks of surgery and anestisia.
THEY don't realize I am a first time mother, with a deployed husband, who is handing over her only child to a bunch of people she doesn't know.
The problems have already began. I explained to the doctor when I will be moving away. He offered to do the surgery early enough to alot for Jaxsons recovery before the long trip.
So when I get the letter in the mail from his surgery team stating surgery will be the end of March, I flip.
Surgery will NOT be the end of March. Just wait till Monday. This will be fixed.
Pray things go simply, and that recovery is quick and easy for him!
My mom says I need to have Xanax on hand...she may be right.My husband should be getting leave soon. I can not be any happier. It has been eight months in the making! Dear Army,
If you fuck it up this time....
we will be fighting.
Sincerely,
Me.We need this. I desperately need to see him, touch him, wake up next to him.
My husband is my rock, and I admire him, probably more then even he knows.
We will be taking a few days out of town to visit with some friends. Our moms are babysitting. Therefor, we will be spending just a little bit of time with no baby, and no anybody.
I look forward to this most. Even if it is just the travel time, and going to sleep. It's time I will value quite a bit!
Okay, my eyes have become even heavier then before. I need to try and get some sleep. It's four : ten in the morning, and my son will be up within a few short hours..like probably three.
I hate this couch, and truly miss the king sized bed in that hotel room! Oh well.
Until Next Time.
AA <3
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Please Excuse Me.
Yes, Please excuse me..
For I am about to be a complete bitch.
If you can't handle complete honest bitch...kick rocks.
I am tired of shitty people. I'm tired of it.
Since when do people have such disregard for other human beings?
It seems to me, deployment hits, and our guys aren't even pulled out of the parking lot, before the rumors and drama began.No one is innocent. We have all said yeah I heard this happened..yeah I saw what she was wearing...yeah I heard what she said...but this shit...these rumors, and lies...wooooah!
This is a whole new level of crazy.
And it's not just who you cantrust...
Our husbands are thousands of miles away.
I personally have not seen mine in 8 months.
We're living alone, raising children alone, loosing sleep, constantly worrying, and under extreme amounts of stress and pressure.
It's sad you can no longer turn to a fellow army wife and vent!
It's sad you can't tell her how you're feeling, or why you're upset.
And why?
Because there is now a constant fear that you never know who is going to turn around and tell the news.
You can never be sure who is going to take your story, exaggerate and change it, and make it public record.
We have recently lost soldiers. Amazing men.
We have grieving families. And soldiers still in harms way.
We have soldiers here at home who are injured and ot only dealing with the losses,
but also dealing with being away from their brothers.
And yet people have nothing better to do then degrade and ostracize eachother?
Lies and rumors hurt people.
I don't have it in me to make up lies and rumors.
That's an ugly, ugly trait.
I'm tired of the drama.
I'm physically exhausted.
Do you not have anything in your own life good enough to talk about?
If this is the case, DO Call me up. We can find you a good hobby or book.
If you insist on making up rumors and lies, be my guest...(just don't call me with it.)
I do not want to hear what anyone has to say about me, my husband or my child.
I do not want to hear what anyone thinks about anyone else.
I do not want to hear about another soldiers business, another wives business, or what another mothers, fathers, cousins, sisters neighbor has to say.
If you hear something about me, and it did not come out of my husbands mouth or my own, feel free to pass it around....That's right go ahead. (Not that anyone needed my permission.)
You will look like an asshole, but hey go right ahead.
*End Rant.
I hope to blog again tomorrow. Hopefully with something...anything better then this shit!
Angry, Sad and Disgusted,
AA
For I am about to be a complete bitch.
If you can't handle complete honest bitch...kick rocks.
I am tired of shitty people. I'm tired of it.
Since when do people have such disregard for other human beings?
It seems to me, deployment hits, and our guys aren't even pulled out of the parking lot, before the rumors and drama began.No one is innocent. We have all said yeah I heard this happened..yeah I saw what she was wearing...yeah I heard what she said...but this shit...these rumors, and lies...wooooah!
This is a whole new level of crazy.
I'm disgusted. I'm saddened. And I am fed the fuck up.
Shady ass people, make you constantly question who you can trust.And it's not just who you can
Our husbands are thousands of miles away.
I personally have not seen mine in 8 months.
We're living alone, raising children alone, loosing sleep, constantly worrying, and under extreme amounts of stress and pressure.
It's sad you can no longer turn to a fellow army wife and vent!
It's sad you can't tell her how you're feeling, or why you're upset.
And why?
Because there is now a constant fear that you never know who is going to turn around and tell the news.
You can never be sure who is going to take your story, exaggerate and change it, and make it public record.
It's sad. It really is.
We have recently lost soldiers. Amazing men.
We have grieving families. And soldiers still in harms way.
We have soldiers here at home who are injured and ot only dealing with the losses,
but also dealing with being away from their brothers.
And yet people have nothing better to do then degrade and ostracize eachother?
It is nothing but toxic...
And quite frankly, I don't think people stop to think about how they are making others feel. Lies and rumors hurt people.
I don't have it in me to make up lies and rumors.
That's an ugly, ugly trait.
I'm tired of the drama.
I'm physically exhausted.
Do you not have anything in your own life good enough to talk about?
If this is the case, DO Call me up. We can find you a good hobby or book.
If you insist on making up rumors and lies, be my guest...(just don't call me with it.)
I do not want to hear what anyone has to say about me, my husband or my child.
I do not want to hear what anyone thinks about anyone else.
I do not want to hear about another soldiers business, another wives business, or what another mothers, fathers, cousins, sisters neighbor has to say.
If you hear something about me, and it did not come out of my husbands mouth or my own, feel free to pass it around....That's right go ahead. (Not that anyone needed my permission.)
You will look like an asshole, but hey go right ahead.
*End Rant.
I hope to blog again tomorrow. Hopefully with something...anything better then this shit!
Angry, Sad and Disgusted,
AA
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
And on and on and on....
You wake up one day, and the whole world makes sense.
You see the past.
Times when you were wrong, when you could of swore you were right.
Times when you shouldn't have done, what you did.
Times when you did exactly what you needed too..
And times when everything felt perfect.
I have waken up.
It's that time.
I wish I were the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter.
I wish I could be everything to everyone.
I want to make people happy.
I want to make myself happy.
I want to raise productive citizens ; and successful happy beings.
I want my husband to be proud of the woman he married.
I want my mother to admire her daughter...my son to admire his mother..my friends to admire their companion.
I want to be a million things.
When do we stop wanting?
When can we let go of the past.
When do we forgive ourselves our mistakes,
our misjudgments
and our misfortunes?
We know what we want to change and what we want to keep the same.
The people who truly love us...
They forgive our mistakes, except our imperfections, and look brightly into the future.
I think sometimes we get too caught up on regretting things..
and we forget to learn the lessons that are there.
I will never be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter..
but I will be the best that I can be, and I know the people who matter most...
Well...that's enough for them. <3
Anyhowwww....
I'm posted up in this hotel. King size bed all to myself. I haven't slept in a bed since my husband left for deployment. Strictly couches for me. I was quite elated when I saw this king size bed...overjoyed actually. After 10+ hours in the car, with an infant (might I add), I wanted to crawl under the covers and not come out for a week. Of course, with an infant, who'd been in his car seat for far too long...this just wasn't going to happen. So we did our thing. He played...and played and played! He was ecstatic to be rolling around and stretching out his little limbs! Finally, he rubbed his eyes, and gave me...the look. I gave him his bottle, and let him fall asleep in my arms. I have made a habit of not rocking him to sleep, because we've had previous issues with him refusing his bed! However, tonight...I prolonged my shower. I rocked and cuddled that boy for over an hour. I sat in bed, with the tv on, and rubbed his back and swayed. It was peaceful. It was perfect. It's not often we can sit in the quiet and just be alone. Hell, now that he is 9 months old, it is not often he wants to lay on his mommy.... He would much rather be on the go!
Finally, I laid him into his pack and play, covered him up, and took my shower. I checked on him afterwords, then crawled into this big king size bed. I couldn't sleep. I listened to him make cute little noises, and wiggle around, all while peacefully asleep. Their is nothing in the world more amazing. Watching him, I think of so many wonderful things.
I think of the amazing mom I have, the husband who helped me bring this blessing into the world (not physically, I did that all on my own..haha.). I think of the night I got married, the dreams we have. I think of how amazing it is to see your dream peacefully sleeping before your eyes. My son makes me feel closer to my husband, and for that I am thankful. There is always that piece of him with me. Rather my husband be in Afghanistan or not, there is this little piece of him, right here in front of me. They share so many of the same traits. He is my constant reminder of the man I married two years ago, of my best friend, of a person I admire beyond belief. Each sweet little sigh helps subdue the loneliness I feel. My husband has been gone for eight months now, and we have yet to see the face of r & r. Eight months is a long time. Sometimes I begin to think I have forgotten his smile, or his silly personality, or the way he rubs his eyes when he's over tired. I am instantly reminded that my son has all of these traits. For that, I am forever grateful.
Now that I'm in this big king size bed...it's not as exciting. It's rather lonely. My husband is hogging the covers, he's not reaching out and pulling me over to him, and I don't hear his breath in my ear. I want more then anything to scoop my baby boy up and bring him into this big empty bed with me, but I know he will wake up and be oh so unhappy with me. There is nothing better then sharing a king size bed with your little man....except sharing a king sized bed, with both your men.
I long for February. F...o...u...r...t...e...e...n days of together. ( I say it like that because I don't want it to fly by, like I know it will...) For 14 days my family is whole again. I don't think words can describe the new sense of love I have found for my husband over this long eight months. I have reflected back and laughed, cried, regret and celebrated times we have had. Most of all I have realized what an amazing person he is, and found the inspiration to always be a better me. I want to be everything to him, because he is everything to me. My boys are my rock, my heart, and my soul. Without the two of them, I would come undone.
This is all I leave you with for now.
Until next time...
<3 AA
You see the past.
Times when you were wrong, when you could of swore you were right.
Times when you shouldn't have done, what you did.
Times when you did exactly what you needed too..
And times when everything felt perfect.
I have waken up.
It's that time.
I wish I were the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter.
I wish I could be everything to everyone.
I want to make people happy.
I want to make myself happy.
I want to raise productive citizens ; and successful happy beings.
I want my husband to be proud of the woman he married.
I want my mother to admire her daughter...my son to admire his mother..my friends to admire their companion.
I want to be a million things.
When do we stop wanting?
When can we let go of the past.
When do we forgive ourselves our mistakes,
our misjudgments
and our misfortunes?
I think we learn the most important lessons with time.
We just wake up and know what is right and what is wrong.We know what we want to change and what we want to keep the same.
The people who truly love us...
They forgive our mistakes, except our imperfections, and look brightly into the future.
I think sometimes we get too caught up on regretting things..
and we forget to learn the lessons that are there.
I will never be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter..
but I will be the best that I can be, and I know the people who matter most...
Well...that's enough for them. <3
Anyhowwww....
I'm posted up in this hotel. King size bed all to myself. I haven't slept in a bed since my husband left for deployment. Strictly couches for me. I was quite elated when I saw this king size bed...overjoyed actually. After 10+ hours in the car, with an infant (might I add), I wanted to crawl under the covers and not come out for a week. Of course, with an infant, who'd been in his car seat for far too long...this just wasn't going to happen. So we did our thing. He played...and played and played! He was ecstatic to be rolling around and stretching out his little limbs! Finally, he rubbed his eyes, and gave me...the look. I gave him his bottle, and let him fall asleep in my arms. I have made a habit of not rocking him to sleep, because we've had previous issues with him refusing his bed! However, tonight...I prolonged my shower. I rocked and cuddled that boy for over an hour. I sat in bed, with the tv on, and rubbed his back and swayed. It was peaceful. It was perfect. It's not often we can sit in the quiet and just be alone. Hell, now that he is 9 months old, it is not often he wants to lay on his mommy.... He would much rather be on the go!
Finally, I laid him into his pack and play, covered him up, and took my shower. I checked on him afterwords, then crawled into this big king size bed. I couldn't sleep. I listened to him make cute little noises, and wiggle around, all while peacefully asleep. Their is nothing in the world more amazing. Watching him, I think of so many wonderful things.
I think of the amazing mom I have, the husband who helped me bring this blessing into the world (not physically, I did that all on my own..haha.). I think of the night I got married, the dreams we have. I think of how amazing it is to see your dream peacefully sleeping before your eyes. My son makes me feel closer to my husband, and for that I am thankful. There is always that piece of him with me. Rather my husband be in Afghanistan or not, there is this little piece of him, right here in front of me. They share so many of the same traits. He is my constant reminder of the man I married two years ago, of my best friend, of a person I admire beyond belief. Each sweet little sigh helps subdue the loneliness I feel. My husband has been gone for eight months now, and we have yet to see the face of r & r. Eight months is a long time. Sometimes I begin to think I have forgotten his smile, or his silly personality, or the way he rubs his eyes when he's over tired. I am instantly reminded that my son has all of these traits. For that, I am forever grateful.
Now that I'm in this big king size bed...it's not as exciting. It's rather lonely. My husband is hogging the covers, he's not reaching out and pulling me over to him, and I don't hear his breath in my ear. I want more then anything to scoop my baby boy up and bring him into this big empty bed with me, but I know he will wake up and be oh so unhappy with me. There is nothing better then sharing a king size bed with your little man....except sharing a king sized bed, with both your men.
I long for February. F...o...u...r...t...e...e...n days of together. ( I say it like that because I don't want it to fly by, like I know it will...) For 14 days my family is whole again. I don't think words can describe the new sense of love I have found for my husband over this long eight months. I have reflected back and laughed, cried, regret and celebrated times we have had. Most of all I have realized what an amazing person he is, and found the inspiration to always be a better me. I want to be everything to him, because he is everything to me. My boys are my rock, my heart, and my soul. Without the two of them, I would come undone.
This is all I leave you with for now.
*Disclaimer* Please excuse anything that is out of order, random, misspelled, a hot mess, or otherwise ridiculous. I have been up for 23 hours, and cannot find the urge to sleep, regardless of how tired I am.
Until next time...
<3 AA
Thursday, December 30, 2010
No words left.
It has been some time since I have blogged. In previous posts, I complained. I complained about how ANYTHING that COULD go wrong during a deployment, WOULD go wrong. I complained about my surgery, my doctor mishaps, my sons formula recall, my car being hit....about everything. I took for granted the people who REALLY had something to complain about. Those people who everyday were dealing with the loss of a soldier.
My husbands unit endured terrifying losses last month. Not just his unit..not just his battalion..or even his company.....HIS PLATOON. His guys. His friends. His buddies. The people he not only worked with, but played with. The men he laughed with, and the men he bitched with. Men he helped train, men he fought a long side. Close friends. A friend whose family we are close with. A friend who's wife I know and love.
Rest In Peace to these heros.
But not just rest in peace, THANK YOU. Because of you my husband continues to fight. Because of you he is still breathing, and MY family can still continue to HOPE he will return home. Because of you he still gets to call home, and beacuse of you we still have a chance. I feel personally forever indebted to these men. Because of them, the others...they are standing strong and continuing to fight...because of them families are still praying and hoping for a return. It will never be fair..it will never have an explanation. But I thank you. I cannot say it enough. Every single day--I thank you.
Rest In Peace And Thank You-- November 14th, 2010
SPC. Scott Nagorski
SPC. Nathan Lillard
SPC. Jesse Snow
You are brave, outstanding, heros.
I haven't had much to say since then. I attended the beautiful and tragic funeral of Spc. Nagorski, as his wife and I have become very close. I consider her family. We worked through this deployment together. When she called me and spoke the words to me...that Scott was dead...my heart stopped. I was in disbelief. I was mortified. ME?! How fucking dare I? she is telling me her husband is dead, and MY heart stops? I should have been stronger.. I should have found better words to say. Still to this day, my words can never measure up to what I really feel for her. I cannot express the amount of concern and love and hope I hold for her and her one year old beautiful daughter. I can never find the words to tell her just how much I think about her, or how often I want to just drive to her and hug her.
There was nothing like that funeral. There never will be. It changed me. Made me realize a lot of things about life.. about not just military life, but everyday life. It made the challenges and the risks even more real. It made my heart heavy, and my mind constantly run. My concern for her family, and the families of the others..It will never end. I can only pray I never have to feel that kind of pain and hurt, but somehow, this tragedy has made my mind never stop. I feel pathetic, but there are days when I worry myself sick. I worry that every knock, every phone call...either could be news of another friends husband, or news about my own. And it has eaten me alive. Anytime a spouse calls, my heart jumps before I answer it. A knock at the door...I hesitate and stumble. There was a knock yesterday. My mom told me who it was without even looking. I said I didn't care...I sure as hell wasn't answering it! What if she was wrong? What if it wasn't someone we were expecting. It hurts. It's sad..it's terrifying.. I feel guilty for worrying and guilty for having no answers. Such an amazing woman is already feeling the aftermath of that knock, and here I sit constantly worrying about getting it. I need to feel my husband. Just touch him. Hold him, if only for a moment. I need to hear his voice, I need to see his face, I need to physically see that he is okay.These poor families will never have that. I feel guilty for wanting it. But I cannot yet separate my hope and prayers for my husbands safety for the guilt I feel for those families.
I don't have much more to say right now. I think I'm still trying to regain myself. I feel as though I have lost myself in this world of worry and wonder. I feel like the pain and sadness has overtaken me and until I have found a little peace, I'm just not myself yet. I cannot imagine how these families are feeling, or carrying on everyday, but I will never stop thinking of them, and praying for them, and holding their soldiers in my hearts, for all of the brave sacrifices they have made. These families are compiled of amazing, strong, proud people, and I wish I could take away just a little of their pain.
Until Next Time,
<3 AA
My husbands unit endured terrifying losses last month. Not just his unit..not just his battalion..or even his company.....HIS PLATOON. His guys. His friends. His buddies. The people he not only worked with, but played with. The men he laughed with, and the men he bitched with. Men he helped train, men he fought a long side. Close friends. A friend whose family we are close with. A friend who's wife I know and love.
Rest In Peace to these heros.
But not just rest in peace, THANK YOU. Because of you my husband continues to fight. Because of you he is still breathing, and MY family can still continue to HOPE he will return home. Because of you he still gets to call home, and beacuse of you we still have a chance. I feel personally forever indebted to these men. Because of them, the others...they are standing strong and continuing to fight...because of them families are still praying and hoping for a return. It will never be fair..it will never have an explanation. But I thank you. I cannot say it enough. Every single day--I thank you.
Rest In Peace And Thank You-- November 14th, 2010
SPC. Scott Nagorski
SPC. Nathan Lillard
SPC. Jesse Snow
You are brave, outstanding, heros.
I haven't had much to say since then. I attended the beautiful and tragic funeral of Spc. Nagorski, as his wife and I have become very close. I consider her family. We worked through this deployment together. When she called me and spoke the words to me...that Scott was dead...my heart stopped. I was in disbelief. I was mortified. ME?! How fucking dare I? she is telling me her husband is dead, and MY heart stops? I should have been stronger.. I should have found better words to say. Still to this day, my words can never measure up to what I really feel for her. I cannot express the amount of concern and love and hope I hold for her and her one year old beautiful daughter. I can never find the words to tell her just how much I think about her, or how often I want to just drive to her and hug her.
There was nothing like that funeral. There never will be. It changed me. Made me realize a lot of things about life.. about not just military life, but everyday life. It made the challenges and the risks even more real. It made my heart heavy, and my mind constantly run. My concern for her family, and the families of the others..It will never end. I can only pray I never have to feel that kind of pain and hurt, but somehow, this tragedy has made my mind never stop. I feel pathetic, but there are days when I worry myself sick. I worry that every knock, every phone call...either could be news of another friends husband, or news about my own. And it has eaten me alive. Anytime a spouse calls, my heart jumps before I answer it. A knock at the door...I hesitate and stumble. There was a knock yesterday. My mom told me who it was without even looking. I said I didn't care...I sure as hell wasn't answering it! What if she was wrong? What if it wasn't someone we were expecting. It hurts. It's sad..it's terrifying.. I feel guilty for worrying and guilty for having no answers. Such an amazing woman is already feeling the aftermath of that knock, and here I sit constantly worrying about getting it. I need to feel my husband. Just touch him. Hold him, if only for a moment. I need to hear his voice, I need to see his face, I need to physically see that he is okay.These poor families will never have that. I feel guilty for wanting it. But I cannot yet separate my hope and prayers for my husbands safety for the guilt I feel for those families.
I don't have much more to say right now. I think I'm still trying to regain myself. I feel as though I have lost myself in this world of worry and wonder. I feel like the pain and sadness has overtaken me and until I have found a little peace, I'm just not myself yet. I cannot imagine how these families are feeling, or carrying on everyday, but I will never stop thinking of them, and praying for them, and holding their soldiers in my hearts, for all of the brave sacrifices they have made. These families are compiled of amazing, strong, proud people, and I wish I could take away just a little of their pain.
Until Next Time,
<3 AA
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thankful
I have come to realize I am thankful for something rather unexpected. I am thankful for this deployment. The deployment was not unexpected, but me being thankful for it was! Now, don't get me wrong, if I could have forgone this deployment, I gladly would have, however I have learned some things!
My husband and I have been together on and off (mostly on) since I was fourteen! I think I have spent a lot of time in these years depending on him. I depended on him for support, and for comfort, for doing the "manly" things, for pretty much everything. He has been nothing short of my rock since the day we met. I have also forgotten about myself in these years. I have taken up a liking to all of my husbands hobbies, and joys, and forgotten to be myself. My husband fell in love with POKER in Iraq. When he came home, I learned his game of choice and enjoyed it (most of the time). My husband has been a hockey fanatic since he was a child. I have never watched sport. NEVER... but I now too love the Red Wings and am somewhat of a FANATIC myself. But as for me? I have not yet found the little joys of my life....
UNTIL THIS DEPLOYMENT.
My grandma has a curio cabinet in her living room. I have admired it since I was a little girl. All of the pretty little nic-nacks have fascinated me for as long as I can remember. Being back in MI, I have gone to see my grandma a few times, and still I admire this eclectic collection of treasures. I searched online for some treasures, and have fallen in love with Swarovski Crystals. One day, I too will have a cabinet full of beautiful treasures on display to be admired.
I have come to love myself during this deployment. I have learned I can survive on my own. I am self-sufficent, and I can problem solve without consulting my husband. This is in no way saying I have realized I don't need him, or that I don't still love the things I have come to love because of him. I am just proud to say I have realized to appreciate things for myself, and come to realize I no longer need to dwell on having someone to help me along the way. I am so greatful for this time. I have realized to only appreciate those who appreciate me. I have found independance, and I have stood on my own two feet for the first time in my entire life.
If nothing else has come from this deployment, an appreciation for who I AM, has surly developed. I have faced challenges I didn't even know existed. I have solved problems alone, I would have turned to him for help with, I have found a love for something of my own. I have grown as a person, as a mother, and as a wife.
I have learned more about myself in the last 6 months, then I have in the last 6 years, and for that, deployment, I THANK YOU.
Oh a lower note, I hate you deployment. I hate you for the time, the distance, and the lack of communication. I hate you for taking him so far away, for giving me gray hairs of worry, and for the things he has missed.
However, today I am being thankful, and I am thankful for the growth, change, and adventure you have caused. So today I say this deployment, THANK YOU. Thank you for allowing me to grow, and appreciate my husband in a light I never before would have. Thank you for allowing me a chance to stand on my own, and be strong by myself. Thank you for the triumphs I have achieved because of you. Thank you for sucking so bad, that you have made me stronger.
In a way, I am glad this deployment has been so down right- SHITTY. I am glad it has thrown every single curve ball. I am glad I had my first surgery alone, my car was hit, my child gave me hell, my feelings were hurt, my eyes were heavy, and my heart was tried. Okay, I'm not really GLAD for any of that, but I'm really glad for the outcome, and the strength overcoming these things has given me.
It's almost Thanksgiving. I'm in the holiday mood, and I'm thankful for a lot this morning. I hope everyone out there is finding simple little things to be thankful for.
Thankfully Yours,
<3
AA
My husband and I have been together on and off (mostly on) since I was fourteen! I think I have spent a lot of time in these years depending on him. I depended on him for support, and for comfort, for doing the "manly" things, for pretty much everything. He has been nothing short of my rock since the day we met. I have also forgotten about myself in these years. I have taken up a liking to all of my husbands hobbies, and joys, and forgotten to be myself. My husband fell in love with POKER in Iraq. When he came home, I learned his game of choice and enjoyed it (most of the time). My husband has been a hockey fanatic since he was a child. I have never watched sport. NEVER... but I now too love the Red Wings and am somewhat of a FANATIC myself. But as for me? I have not yet found the little joys of my life....
UNTIL THIS DEPLOYMENT.
My grandma has a curio cabinet in her living room. I have admired it since I was a little girl. All of the pretty little nic-nacks have fascinated me for as long as I can remember. Being back in MI, I have gone to see my grandma a few times, and still I admire this eclectic collection of treasures. I searched online for some treasures, and have fallen in love with Swarovski Crystals. One day, I too will have a cabinet full of beautiful treasures on display to be admired.
I have come to love myself during this deployment. I have learned I can survive on my own. I am self-sufficent, and I can problem solve without consulting my husband. This is in no way saying I have realized I don't need him, or that I don't still love the things I have come to love because of him. I am just proud to say I have realized to appreciate things for myself, and come to realize I no longer need to dwell on having someone to help me along the way. I am so greatful for this time. I have realized to only appreciate those who appreciate me. I have found independance, and I have stood on my own two feet for the first time in my entire life.
If nothing else has come from this deployment, an appreciation for who I AM, has surly developed. I have faced challenges I didn't even know existed. I have solved problems alone, I would have turned to him for help with, I have found a love for something of my own. I have grown as a person, as a mother, and as a wife.
I have learned more about myself in the last 6 months, then I have in the last 6 years, and for that, deployment, I THANK YOU.
Oh a lower note, I hate you deployment. I hate you for the time, the distance, and the lack of communication. I hate you for taking him so far away, for giving me gray hairs of worry, and for the things he has missed.
However, today I am being thankful, and I am thankful for the growth, change, and adventure you have caused. So today I say this deployment, THANK YOU. Thank you for allowing me to grow, and appreciate my husband in a light I never before would have. Thank you for allowing me a chance to stand on my own, and be strong by myself. Thank you for the triumphs I have achieved because of you. Thank you for sucking so bad, that you have made me stronger.
In a way, I am glad this deployment has been so down right- SHITTY. I am glad it has thrown every single curve ball. I am glad I had my first surgery alone, my car was hit, my child gave me hell, my feelings were hurt, my eyes were heavy, and my heart was tried. Okay, I'm not really GLAD for any of that, but I'm really glad for the outcome, and the strength overcoming these things has given me.
It's almost Thanksgiving. I'm in the holiday mood, and I'm thankful for a lot this morning. I hope everyone out there is finding simple little things to be thankful for.
Thankfully Yours,
<3
AA
Friday, November 5, 2010
Life has been happening...
I'm not so sure if I have updated about all of the following..so bare with me! Life has been a little hectic, and I have been a little...A LOT tired.
After 4 pediatrician visits in 3 weeks, I took my son to the E.R, where they told me he has reflux which is causing colic. They prescribed him Zantac, and three days later, the miracle drug kicked in! THANK GOD! My son wasn't sleeping but fifteen minutes at a time, and I wasn't sleeping, but 3 hours combined a night.
Yesterday Jax started beta blockers to help with his birthmarks, and so far, no issues. THANK GOD AGAIN!
Hey, it is November...Thanksgivings around the corner, and I SURE AM thankful for a lot these last couple weeks.
I ordered my husbands new wedding band which will be acting as his Anniversary present, and I'm pretty excited about it. I love it a lot, and I hope he does too. Speaking of my wonderful man, hopefully he will be home for some much needed R & R in the next couple months!
Today, I went and got my sons pictures done. Some for Christmas, and some for fun :)
I'll update with those later tonight or when life gives me another chance to have five minutes to sit down.
I'm still catching up on my sleep, and I've got a list as long as the Nile of things to get done.
I have much more to say, but as of right now, my child is a callin'.
Hope everyone is doing well..and getting into the holiday spirit!
I sure am! HOWEVER, I really could pass on these freezing temperatures, and the flakes of snow that just started falling. No, not much snow...just little flurries...but that's more snow then I'm ready for!
Until next time....
Stay thankful my friends. <3
After 4 pediatrician visits in 3 weeks, I took my son to the E.R, where they told me he has reflux which is causing colic. They prescribed him Zantac, and three days later, the miracle drug kicked in! THANK GOD! My son wasn't sleeping but fifteen minutes at a time, and I wasn't sleeping, but 3 hours combined a night.
Yesterday Jax started beta blockers to help with his birthmarks, and so far, no issues. THANK GOD AGAIN!
Hey, it is November...Thanksgivings around the corner, and I SURE AM thankful for a lot these last couple weeks.
I ordered my husbands new wedding band which will be acting as his Anniversary present, and I'm pretty excited about it. I love it a lot, and I hope he does too. Speaking of my wonderful man, hopefully he will be home for some much needed R & R in the next couple months!
Today, I went and got my sons pictures done. Some for Christmas, and some for fun :)
I'll update with those later tonight or when life gives me another chance to have five minutes to sit down.
I'm still catching up on my sleep, and I've got a list as long as the Nile of things to get done.
I have much more to say, but as of right now, my child is a callin'.
Hope everyone is doing well..and getting into the holiday spirit!
I sure am! HOWEVER, I really could pass on these freezing temperatures, and the flakes of snow that just started falling. No, not much snow...just little flurries...but that's more snow then I'm ready for!
Until next time....
Stay thankful my friends. <3
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Bad News, Followed by Bad News, Followed by...You guess it!
I haven't updated in quite some time, and with good reason.
I've had my son at the doctors three times, and last night, I'd had enough and took him to the emergency room.
For the past month, my son has been up all night, SCREAMING like he's being murdered. He gets real bad gas and cries and cries and cries. The doctor has had me change his formula three times, and change bottles twice. I've tried a sleep wedge, I've tried Mylacon drops, and gripe water, to no avail.
Finally last night, to the emergency room we went. They determined he has reflux, which is causing colic. They sent us home with a prescription, and we're praying this does some work!
Exhausted does not begin to explain how tired I am, as I'm averaging three hours, NOT CONSTANT, sleep a night, for the last three weeks. My child is uncomfortable, and I'm at whits end.
The doctor told me all about how her daughter had this, and when her husband finally got home at night she would say..."YOU HAVE TO TAKE HER I CANT DO THIS". She said she cried and cried everyday.
And then I cried. I needed that cry. I cried for everything. For my sons pain, for my exhaustion, for frustration, for anger, for sadness, for my husband not being here, for the hell of it, I just cried. And she told me it was okay. She told me it was more then normal, and to get the hell out of the room sometimes and just take a break. I needed to hear that. I needed to know it was okay to NEED a break from your child when all he does is cry, and I needed to hear it was okay to CRY! I think I was so afraid of crying, and wanting a break, meaning I was failing, so I held it in. And now I feel a little better...if only for a day.
I'm praying this medicine works, however they say it will take five to seven days before we will know if it's working or not. Please let this give us, ATLEAST a little relief.
Untill I have something interesting to say...
I hope everyone is having better days..
<3 AA
I've had my son at the doctors three times, and last night, I'd had enough and took him to the emergency room.
For the past month, my son has been up all night, SCREAMING like he's being murdered. He gets real bad gas and cries and cries and cries. The doctor has had me change his formula three times, and change bottles twice. I've tried a sleep wedge, I've tried Mylacon drops, and gripe water, to no avail.
Finally last night, to the emergency room we went. They determined he has reflux, which is causing colic. They sent us home with a prescription, and we're praying this does some work!
Exhausted does not begin to explain how tired I am, as I'm averaging three hours, NOT CONSTANT, sleep a night, for the last three weeks. My child is uncomfortable, and I'm at whits end.
The doctor told me all about how her daughter had this, and when her husband finally got home at night she would say..."YOU HAVE TO TAKE HER I CANT DO THIS". She said she cried and cried everyday.
And then I cried. I needed that cry. I cried for everything. For my sons pain, for my exhaustion, for frustration, for anger, for sadness, for my husband not being here, for the hell of it, I just cried. And she told me it was okay. She told me it was more then normal, and to get the hell out of the room sometimes and just take a break. I needed to hear that. I needed to know it was okay to NEED a break from your child when all he does is cry, and I needed to hear it was okay to CRY! I think I was so afraid of crying, and wanting a break, meaning I was failing, so I held it in. And now I feel a little better...if only for a day.
I'm praying this medicine works, however they say it will take five to seven days before we will know if it's working or not. Please let this give us, ATLEAST a little relief.
Untill I have something interesting to say...
I hope everyone is having better days..
<3 AA
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