Anger

So reacently I have come to realize I might be a little angry...and by might be...I mean I am...and by a little, I mean a lot.

I often think about the funeral of a good friends husband. A good father, a good friend, a good man. I think about how I sat in that funeral home so full of sadness. Yet, I can't help but remember how thankful I was. I was so thankful he did what he did, so thankful my husband was alive, and he made that sacrafice so other fathers, and friends could come home. I felt guilty for being thankful.  How could I be thankful at a time like this?

And now, I am angry. I am angry that this good man made this heroic sacrafice, for my husband to come home and leave his family. I am angry that we had a chance this man never had, and yet MY HUSBAND took this chance away from me, away from our son....away from himself.

Who does he think he is? Alive and safe...and giving up...walking away.

Walking away from people who loved him so very much.

People who admired him, and prayed for him... people who were not supposed to be disposable.

I am angry that for eight years, I have given everything to this man..

Who in the end took the single most important thing from me.

My family.

The ball was this past weekend. And I'm angry. I'm angry that I didn't get to be there, with him...like I'd planned for such a long time. It was something I'd looked forward to all of deployment. Dressing up, and feeling beautiful. Celebrating my huband being home. Being in the company of such brave men, and amazing wives.

I'm angry this was another memory I did not get to make.

It's just like homecoming. Something I so long waited for, taken.

When my husband went to Iraq, we were only dating. I wasn't at homecomin, because his family wanted it to be just them. So this time, it would have been so amazing to experience.

But again, I was not there.

I'm angry that for an entire deployment, my support, my tears, my prayers went un-acknowleged..

by a man who came home and "disposed" of me.

All of the things I so longed for, never came.

Sure he came home...good and safe...
(and for that I am forever thankful)

But he didn't come home to me.

He chose not too.

And somehow, I feel so robbed.

He had a choice... he got to choose...

And he didn't choose to be with us.

Why was I a CHOICE?!?

Sometimes I just don't understand.

I'm so angry...so very angry...

Or maybe I'm just hurt.

I feel like for so long, all I did was support him and make myself available to his needs.

And in the end, it wasn't enough..

And I was robbed of the memories I planned on making.

Maybe that sounds a little selfish, I'm sorry if it does.

But the truth is..

For the majority of a year, all I could think about was his safety and well-being.

I drempt of the homecoming, and what it would feel like..what I would say.

I dreampt of feeling gorgous at that ball..

And celebrating the fact that he was home and okay.

I never got it.

I somehow feel stuck in this deployment.

Like it's never-ending..

Because I drempt of the end being him coming home to us..

And he is not here.

We are not together.

I am not celebrating.

Is it pathetic to be angry?

Marriage and Divorce

Love is such a crazy emotion. It is a constant rollarcoaster, and I can only dream of finding someone willing to constantly enjoy the ride with me. I simply love to love.. I find it to be one of the most impowering things a person can have....true love. The kind of love that never holds back, and never gives up.

Now don't get me wrong, I have come to learn, that sometimes love has to give up. Sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away. I believe that everyone is meant for someone. And if we stay too long with someone who we are not meant to be with, could we possibly miss out on THE ONE? I believe there is more then one demension to love.

My grandparents are in their late 80s. They married at eighteen. For the duration of my marriage I envied this kind of marriage. I hoped that I too would be their age, still married. But I think somethings happen in our lives, that broaden our view. My marriage and now my divorce have opened my eyes. My grandparents seem miserable. They constantly bicker. My grandma often tells people she should of married someone else. I often respond with "It's kind of late now, your old and grey and that person probobly already kicked the bucket. Be thankful you can be old and grey and miserable together instead of alone." For most of my life I have thought I wanted their kind of love... The kind that withers away decades together, and never gives up. I wished the world was still in a "50's mind set", where divorces never happened. But the truth is, now that I have witnessed a failed marriage (first hand), I don't want what they have. I actually fancy the fact that divorce is acceptable. I think it's nessicarry in todays world.

We can forever live with the person we marry...and grow old together, miserable about the life we had, or we can be strong, independant people, and know that we deserve to be happy! Sometimes in marriage, trust and communication are broken. The one person we thought we could always depend on and trust, proves us wrong. And I don't want to live my entire life doubting the person I share everything with. I would much rather gather up my emotions, my trust, my heart, and my life and move on. I would much rather find someone I never have to resent, then forever live a life of wonder and doubt. I feel like everyone is meant for someone. And if we invest ourselves in a marriage where we are not happy, and do not feel secure, then we are missing out on THAT SOMEONE.


I think marriage is sacred. It is a beautiful bond between two people. The vows you speak may just be the most important words you will ever say. But at the end of the day, people change, people make mistakes and people take wrong turns. Some things forever dampen those vows, and forever change the dynamic of a relationship. And I think there is a giant difference between leaving a relationship because you just feel like giving up, and leaving a relationship because you won't ever again be happy there. I think too often people make careless mistakes when it comes to marriage and love.
-People leave because they don't feel like putting the effort in. -Mistake.
-People stay and forever hope to find happiness in an unhappy situation. -Mistake.

I think marriage is something you have to constantly work at. But it should never feel like work. When you love someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them, you won't ever have to doubt your comittment. I know there is someone in the world who will love me, exactly as I am. They won't ever make me doubt myself, or their comittment to me. That's the kind of marriage I want. I want to spend my life with someone... Someone who will be there beside me when I need them most, and won't ever leave me alone to fight the big challenges. If I am constantly wondering if you will be beside me when I need you most, or wondering if you will betray me, or lie to me, I don't feel like I am living a happy and successful marriage.

I never want to feel insecure in a marriage. I have for some time had a fear of being left, and I think that has played a big role in my life. I want to find someone who will embrace my fears and help me over come them...Not someone who will play on my fears for their own satisfaction. I want to learn from all my mistakes, and I want someone beside me who will help me continue to learn as we go. Life is a constant lesson, and I think if you can find someone just as willing to learn and grow, you have found something worth keeping.

Overall, I think I have come to accept divorce as sometimes nessicarry. Something I have forever feared and dreaded can now be viewed as a blessing in SOME situations. Sometimes we fall in love, and sometimes we fall apart. There is nothing wrong with that. I think it is more important to be thankful for the time we had, and learn what we need to learn, then to forever stay somewhere we cannot be completely happy. Because at the end of the day, if you're not happy, how can your other half be happy? It is a vicious cycle, and we can either choose to continue it, or we can continue to fake it. And if you ask me, life is far to short to be anything less then happy. And I not only don't want to fake it to make it, but I would never want to be with someone who has to fake it.

The best gift we can give ourselves is happiness.
The best gift we can give someone we love is happiness.
Sometimes that means parting ways.

As Always,
AA

Do we choose?

In life, everything is a choice. We choose where we go, what we do, what we believe, what we say. Of course our choices have consequeces, or reactions, and those are inevitable. But for the most part, our life is consumed with choices. This leaves me wondering....Do we choose who we love?

Do you think it's one of those things in life that just kind of happens...or do we have to make a concious choice to fall in love with someone. Is there a point when we decide, we're either going to allow our hearts and minds to feel these emotions or not?

I guess I feel like for the most part, love just happens. We don't really get to choose who we love, but I do think we can choose to accept it. I think people fall in love, unknowingly. It's something our hearts and minds do without our consent. We can't choose who we connect with, or who makes us feel good. We only get to choose what we do with it.

Theres this feeling you get. Butterflies in your stomach, shaky legs, but most importantly, your heart beats fast. You're overwhelmed with excitment. Love is a feeling, a thought, a sense, an emotion. Most of all it is a hectic mess.

We cannot choose who we love.
We cannot choose what we feel.


We simply choose what to do with it.


What will you do?

Daddy

Fathers day is approaching. It's a holiday in which I always purchase a card for my mother. She has done a damn good job of being both parents- all of my life, which is why I find it nessicary to celebrate her on mothers day and fathers day, along with most other days.

I have very few memories of my father. Even fewer which are good. I do recall being very young, at the cabbin upnorth. Every time we went snowmobiling, I would fall asleep. I remember waking up wondering how long we had been out there. I remember him owning an auto parts store. I remember this giant pink elephant at the party store next to his store. I remember rarely seeing him. I remember not wanting to go.I remember going to my sixth grade daddy-daughter dance with my neighbors dad. I remember so many things, I wish I could forget. Most of all I remember wish for him to be all the things I saw other peoples daddys be. I wanted what they had. I wanted a father. I wanted to admire him. I wanted to know what it was like to be daddys little girl, and to have him light up with joy when he saw me. Instead I got nothing.

When someone mentions my father, most times I remember him throwing a picture frame across the living room of our home. I remember it shattering at my feet, and the fear I felt. I must of been about four. I remember him screaming and yelling, I have no idea what about. I remember my mother calling the cops, and him franticlly cleaning up the glass. I remember standing on a chair in the kitchen scaerd to death I'd slice my foot open on glass and die. I was a dramatic little girl. I remember him telling the cops there was no problem, and that he didn't know what they were called for. I remember my father being taken off to jail, and my grandmother taking my sister and I home with her.

When someone mentions my father, I feel hate. I feel anger. I feel pain. I feel abandoned, and left. Most of all I feel nothing for him. All my life people have told me that our time on earth is too short, and that I should make amends with him. They tell me I will regret the lack of relationship, once he is gone. Gone? He has always been GONE. I'm angry that people put this responsibility on me.Where has he been?

My mother remarried when I was six or seven. To a man I do not think fondly of. It was another relationship filled with hate and anger. Another man who hurt her...hurt us. I remember calling the cops on him more then once. I remember his name calling, his anger, his rage, his obsessive ways. I remember my father never being there to save me, to protect me, to love me. I think most of all I hate my father for never caring that this man too was hurting us. They were more alike then I'd like to remember. Both yelled a lot, both were angry, and loud. Both men treated my mother poorly. For that they were nothing to me.

After my mothers second divorce, I was left wondering what a marriage was supposed to be? What was a real father? Would I have one? Would I ever know what to expect? I have never, and will never blame my mother for the choices that she made, the men she married, or the bullshit she delt with. I know that love is a powerful thing, and sometimes people turn into someone you never expected they could be. Instead I admire my mom. She always had the strength to see a way out, and to continue pushing on for us kids.

I have very few memories of my father. And from the few things I remember, most of all I remember how much I disliked him. A major part of him not being in my life had to do with the choices he made, and the way he made his children a convience. But I too can take some of the blame. I never wanted to be around him. I never wanted to see him. I would refuse visits the seldom times he offered. He was very strict. His stern voice put fear in my veins. He was always angry, and he always spoke poorly of my mother. I think that is what I hated most. Every time we got into the car to go with him, conversations started with things like "Your mother this..your mother that..." In the first little while following his divorce, I recall him always telling us that our mother chose this...that it was her fault he wasn't around all the time...that we weren't a family. When my mother remarried, I remember him badgering us about the new man. Did we call him dad? What was he like? I recall once slipping up and calling the other man "dad" to my father. Hell had nothing on the words and anger that filled his truck that day. I remember questioning how he could be so angry over this? He was never around. He rarely called. Everything in his life at this time revolved around passing girlfriends, his business and hunting. We were merely baggage to him, and he hated to take his baggage anywhere.

My father is not in my life, and for the most part, I have come to accept what has been a fatherless childhood. I know that it has changed me, and shaped me into who I am today. But I also know that because he has never loved me, never been there for me, never cared, I am constantly trying to fill a void that will never be filled. There is this tiny piece of my heart that wishes I could get back the years he carelessly threw away. I know that it has stopped bleeding and scabbed over. I know that one day that whole will be a scar. I am okay with that. I think that scars are just reminders of where we have been and what we have conqured.

As fathers day approaches, I want to send a huge shout out to all the amazing fathers in this world. To often we hear of children who never see their dads, Of fathers who just left and never looked back, of men who forget their children exist. I admire the fathers in the world who do their damndest to be around, and be a positive, supportive influance on their children. Every little girl deserves to have that example of what an amazing man is like, and every little boy needs his daddy to show him what being a man is all about. So if your a father, never forget that what you do today shapes who your children are tomorrow, and never let a single day go by without knowing that you are needed, and loved.

Happy Fathers Day in advance to all you amazing daddys and to all the mothers who play the role of both parents.


    AA

Life, Laughter, and Construction

   Lately, I have been thinking a lot about relationships. Relationships of all kinds. Family relationships, friendly relationships, and well...REAL relationships. I took a trip to Tennenesse. I got back to Michigan yesterday. I thought about a lot of things while I was gone. Maybe it was the constant reminders of my past life there, the friends left behind, the hopes and dream that fell through and the marriage that was born and died in that very city. Maybe it was my mind just needing to decompress.

   On my long drive down, I decided that life is like the highway. You're always on a jounry. It doesn't matter where you are going, there are bumps in the road. Truth is, sometimes there is construction and you feel completely stuck. I feel like- right now in my life, I'm stuck in construction... Bumper to bumper....stop and go....unsure of my destination. In life, just like in construction, we may take a detour, we may make a wrong turn...but eventually we will end up, exactly where we are supposed to be...right? I sure hope so.

   Thinking about all of this quickly lead my mind to evaluate relationships, and their effects on your life. I think that the relationships we choose to hold somewhat define the direction of our lives. Okay, maybe not define...but they greatly affect our day to day.

   I enjoy the kind of love that comes easy. Uplifting, pleasent, simple love. But the truth is, nothing about love is ever simple. In my marriage, I struggled a lot with the issues of trust. I was always the kind of person that said, once you loose trust, YOU CAN get it back...I said things like..It just takes time...or if we both work on it, we will get past this. The truth is, once complete trust is gone, there is no getting it back. You spend so much time dealing with the effects of the lack of trust, that you never get around to working on rebuilding it. I had faith in "the fairytale". The one that ended with happily ever after. Disney never mentioned that "ever after" meant after the messy divorce, the splitting and dividing of assets and debts, and the signature on the dotted line stating that you were no longer married. Happily ever after doesn't exist. The perfect marriage doesn't exist, but the truth is- Real, true love...it exists. The love that grows old and lasts forever. I have not lost hope. I have simply realized that sometimes in life we fall in love, and it feels like a forever kind of thing, but in the end, maybe that love was a stepping stone, a life lesson, to get you to where you are supposed to go. And if that's not true, then maybe the truth is we just fucked up along the way and our choices made it so that this love would not last forever.

  I think for me these last couple months have been more about learning then about anything else. Love seemed so simple to me growing up. I knew what love was, and I knew I felt it, so everything else was just there. I felt that when you loved someone, no amount of bullshit mattered, you still loved them and you stuck it out. I always did my best to make him happy. I would sacrafice anything for his happiness. I thought that's what a good wife did. What I didn't realize, that sacraficing my happiness was causing me to loose myself, and if I wasn't myself, I wasn't the person he fell in love with.

   Love is a game of give and take. And I see now that sometimes you give so much that you are ultimitly taking away from not only yourself, but your partner too. Sometimes I think you just have to let go. You have to allow yourself to grow and change, and if in the end the trust, the hope, the faith...the laughter is gone...You give up and you both allow eachother to move on and find happiness.

   That's the most important lesson I have learned- Not only about love, but about life. I am the kind of person who loves to laugh. I get satisfaction from the smiles on the faces of the people I care most about. So in the days of my marriage where no smiles were presant, and life was a constant routine of muck, I wish I would have realized what was happening. Instead I forced an imagine in my mind of this perfect marriage and perfect family that would someday be. But the truth is, once your marriage is so far gone, you can't get it back. You have to work at a marriage, every single day. You have to be involved in the happiness and love it takes to make a marriage work. And I think there were times when I THOUGHT I was involved, but I was simply hoping that tomorrow would be better.

   My husband was not happy for a while. He pushed me away, and I was the kind of person who let it happen. I never stood my ground. I, instead convinced myself that someday we would get back to the way we were when we first married. I told myself that someday he would again be an active part in this. But the truth is I was telling myself lies. I did what I was supposed to do. I cleaned, I cooked, I smiled, I took him lunch, I made the bed...well most days atleast. But in the end, I did not stop to realize what we were loosing, little by little. We spent so much time worrying about not trusting eachother, and bickering over the little things, that we lost the laughter then once drew us together.

   And so now I have come to realize this: I am the kind of person who likes to laugh. I never want to be with someone I can't laugh with every single day. In ever relationship, there are troubles, and problems, and arguments. There are days when you want to just be left alone, and days when you want to cry, but at the end of the day, I want to be able to laugh with my lover. No matter how angry we may be, or how shitty our day was. Life is far to short to convince yourself that tomorrow will be better. I feel like the sun should never set on an argument, because you are not promised tomorrow. So from now on I am requiring laughter out of every relationship.

   In conclusion, I have come to find this... Everyone deserves to be happy. You only get ONE life, and it's way to short to be unhappy. I never want someone else to sacrafice their happiness for mine. I know that, in order to be politiclly correct, or IDEAL, we are supposed to get married once, have children, raise them in a happy home. But who wants to be politiclly correct, at the risk of their own happiness? I don't think children raised in a home that is forced or fake will be any happiner then children raised in two happy homes. I want my kids to know happiness, laughter and love. Happiness, laughter and love that are genuine and real, not politiclly correct. Life is not always what you think it ought to be. Sometimes you have to make a wrong turn, or take a detour. Sometimes you have to let go no matter how much it hurts, and sometimes you have to have faith in taking that leap. Because at the end of the day, I'd rather see someone I love happy without me, then unhappy with me.

   Trust, Love, and Devotion cannot be faked, cannot be forced, and cannot be found, once they are gone. In love, just like in construction, we have to know when to take the nearest exit, and when to stick it out for the ride.


--AA

Simply Complex

I like to think of myself as a simple woman, with a complex mind. Some may think this makes me less simple..I simply think it makes me more interesting! I fancy the little things in life.- Things others take for granted, Things easily over looked. Active communication, and open conversation is a must. I'm a sucker for a good surprise, and I love to be in love. I like to see people smile, and if you can make me laugh, you've probobly stole my heart, atleast a little bit. I'd take Sunflowers or Daisys over diamonds. (Although, I don't mind diamonds.) I think that happiness and love are ultimatly the best gifts someone can give you. I like to think I'm a simple woman. Someone who seeks the little joys in life. I like to enjoy the moment, but sometimes that complex mind that I spoke of...well it gets in the way. It just does. Sometimes I wish I could put my mind on the back burner, and enjoy the moment a little more. But the truth is, I cannot turn off who I am. And sometimes I think my heart has something to do with the way my mind works too.

Is it possible to be a lover of the simple things, yet have such a complex mind? I often contemplate situations I wish I could just dive into. I argue with myself about what is right and what is wrong. I find happiness in situations I sometimes feel I should avoid. I find myself vacationing in situations that make my heart beat fast, and put butterflys in my belly. However, my mind often reminds me, I'm JUST vacationing. And like any good vacation, the end is the worst part. So what do we do? Do we allow ourselves to "vacation" in these places that make our hearts beat fast, even if it makes our mind spin.... Even if we don't know where we'll land? Or should we forever "live" in situations that feel safe?

Ultimately, the question remains; Is it logical to live for the beating of your heart?


I like to think of myself as a simple woman. One who puts thought into the things she does, and the way she lives. I like to think of myself as a lover of the simplest of things...Someone who is easy to please, and easy to love. But the truth is, I'm simply complex.



Thoughtfully Yours,
AA

I'll tell YOU what...

  This past year has brought so much change to my life. Some good, some bad, some indifferent, and some that will forever change me. People too have come and gone. I think that's all a part of life. I'm a firm believer that everyone who comes into our lives comes for a reason. They may teach you something, help you cope with something, or simply just love you. Some people are in our lives for just a short time, some forever. The best kind of people are the ones who have forever found a place in your heart...the people who reguardless of how long they stay, you will never forget.

  I like to think that God has a plan for everyone. Hope and faith are the only things that help me exist in the toughest of times, and I know that I am exactly where God wants me to be. There is always a reason, and always a chance to make the best of what you have. Life is not about having perfection, life is about seeing perfection in the most imperfect times. And I like to think that imperfection is beauty. -Sometimes life is beautiful and sometimes it is a beautiful mess.- Reguardless, you always have the choice to see the beauty in the misery.

  For quite some time I have struggled with finding closure from my past. Rahther it be issues with my father, my marriage or myself, closure has never come easy. I think I have always felt like I needed someone else to give me closure. Someone who hurt me, someone who betrayed me, or someone who simply changed my life in less then beautiful ways. I've come to realize that closure is my own. I can create it, I can find it, and I can achieve it, without the help of anyone else. Closure comes from within yourself. It comes from your heart, your soul, your mind, your very being. It comes from finding peace within yourself, and letting go of the anger, the pain and the problems that have once controlled you. And it is true...if we cannot find closure, our past controlls our future.

  My past has haunted me for a very long time. I have struggled with knowing my self worth, and feeling confident with who I am. I don't find this irrational. A little girl whos father never cared to be around...? A father who hurt her, abandoned her, and made her a convience...How could I love myself if my own father could not? How could I feel worthy of love...worthy of confidence...worthy of anything? MY OWN FATHER DID NOT FIND ME WORTHY OF HIS TIME AND LOVE, how could I expect anyone else too? I think for a long time this has weighed on my heart. I allowed others to treat me poorly, because I didn't feel worthy of better. I allowed people to make me their door mat, patiently waiting for them to walk over me, whenever they felt like prancing through the door. I allowed people to disrespect me, because how could I command respect? I did not feel worthy of respect, or confidence, or love for that matter.

  After years of feeling worthless, I have finally come to see the other side. (Some one may of helped me see the other side...thank you.)   I think I finally see that I don't need anyone else to find me worthy of the things I want in life or the things I want out of love, for that matter. I do not need someone else to validate my worth (even though it feels damn good when they do). I feel like for the first time in a long time, I don't need someone else to make me feel important or special. I have realized it was my fathers loss to not love me. I would agree it was a loose-loose situation, however. I would have loved to have had a father who I could forever admire...but the truth is, I didn't... I don't, I never will....
And for once I feel at peace with that.

  I think for a long time I felt as though I was the only one who suffered from his decision to never be there. I was not. Infact, I lost much less then he did. He not only never got to know me, he will never know my son; his grandchild. He has a child and a grandchild in this world, and he will never know us. He will never know who we really are. He mearly knows of us. And that truly is a shame. I can finally see my own worth, and know that HE IS MISSING OUT. Now, I'm not going to say the lack of a father in my life was not a loss to me aswell, but I cannot change the choices of others. And I have lived my life long enough feeling like there was something wrong with me. I have lived for FAR TOO LONG feeling as though I did not deserve the love and care of my father, or any other man for that matter. I wondered if I would ever be capable of deserving love. And now I finally feel as though there was nothing I had done or could do to change that. I had irrational fears and gult for a majority of my life.

  I -to some extent- feel as though I am worthy of more then just love and care. I deserve to be treated as well as I treat others. I may not be a model, I may not be super skinny, I may not be perfect, but I know my heart is beautiful. I know that I love unconditionally, I give my all to the people I care about, and I care about every person who comes into my life, reguardless of how long they stay. I know that I like to make others happy, and making someone smile or laugh, makes my day. I know that I love beyond a doubt, and I know I am worthy of all the same. I have hope, that I never again will allow someone to treat me like less then I am worth. I feel it is only right to be treated as good as you treat others. And people who don't notice your worth, or treat you like less then you deserve, DON'T DESERVE A PLACE IN YOUR LIFE.

  I feel free. Almost. I know this is a journey, and I have not reached the end- I'm still walking the path. But it is definatly good to feel like some of my wounds have scabbed over and they continue to heal. It feels good to finally know realize, that I have all along deserved love. I have deserved effort, and patience, and time, and affection. I deserve everything I have always given, and never required in return. I will (try to) never again allow myself to fall at the feet of others because I feel worthless. I have to require more of the people I care for, and I have to require more of myself. I know damn well I am capable of amazing things. I know I love beyond extrodinary means, and I know that I too deserve that kind of love in return.

  My life is no longer just about making other people smile. I'll make me smile too. And I know that I will find someone who cares as much about my happiness as I do about theirs. Because after all, isn't that what loving someone is all about? Maybe for a long time love has been a false sense of security for me. I know I have loved. I know I have been in love. But I do not know if I have known love this way before. I don't think I have ever before realized that love shouldn't conquour you. You should not have to sacrafice your own happiness to please someone else. If you cannot simply be you and be loved for it, are you being loved at all? Sometimes I feel like so much of me has changed because of past relationships. Past loves. And sometimes I miss those parts of me. But I am comfortable knowing, I now get to be me, and watch someone fall in love with me for exactly who I am, exactly as I am, without requiring me to dote on their every need and want; without making me compramise myself. I'm no longer worried about being everything to someone else. I am more concerned with being myself, and allowing THAT to mean everything to someone, somewhere, someday.

-As Always,

AA

"Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope."